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Adoption
Hitting a small snag....
We have been excitedly working on the baby's room, shopping for items to take with us to pick up baby, and booked a flight to meet the B-Mom...all costing lots of cash. Last night, while at work admitting patients from Open Heart surgery to the ICU ( stressful business ) I rec'd an e-mail from my attorney. She told me that the B-mom needs dental work and asked us to help. We were also notified that some other unusual expenses have been requested as well. She then told me that Medicaid may not pay for delivery if she is induced ( so we may be present at the birth). I am pretty upset and feel that we are being taken advantage of a bit, as we had set up a budget and were comfortable with the expenses set up before we accepted the situation. We have not yet seen mom's medical records or ultra sound pictures although we have seen the actual ultrasound report.
We seem to be having a problem with the B-mom's attorney as well. She did not want us to sen her retainer until we spoke. When I called her (twice) she would not take my calls and told my atty that the B-mom and I had not spoken "enough" We got her first call on a Tuesday, and spoke twice while I was on vacation.. and by Monday, when I returned, I was told we had not spoken enough! WTF! Now the atty is "upset" that she does not have her retainer yet. We only got the call 3 weeks ago, and were not expecting this so we needed to obtain funding ffrom our 403B acct, and it took a few days. The $ was sent out last week, so I don't know what the big deal is!
I am feeling like a punching bag right now. I spend all of my time doing stuff for this adoption and am getting a little worn down. I am fearful that not paying for "dental work" may cause the B-mom to change her mind and that paying for the delivery ( when we were told she had Medicaid before we decided to go with her) is going to bankrupt us. I so want this to come to fruition and am really feeling badly today. I am going to call my attorney now, and was just hoping for some one to cheer me along! Thanks Ladies 
WHAT'S IN MY CAMERA BAG: Canon 40D, 50 mm 1.8 prime and not much else yet! Learning to edit with PSE 8 AND LR 3. My real name isn't Tiffany, and I'm a photography newbie!
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Re: Hitting a small snag....
I wish I knew the words to say hun I REALLY do. I seldom pray but I think I'm going to for you; I hope that everything works out & SOON.
I know nobody said it was going to be easy but they also never said it was going to be this damn hard.
BIG HUG all the way from Barbados.
Is there a medical reason why she has to be induced? If not then Medicaid likely won't pay for it. Medicaid rarely pays for anything elective.
Medicaid will pay for a good bit of dental work though, so she needs to check into that.
I do not think that you should allow them to push you around or beyond the boundaries of your budget. That is emotional blackmail. What does your attorney say?
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. This is my opinion is on the dental work and the reason. I wouldn't pay for it. For one, it is not a pregnancy related expense. I wonder how the attorney is going to list it for the court. For our adoption we had to send in an itemize account of all bmom expenses. Perhaps you could ask the attorney how she or he is going to explain this amount to the judge and how it relates to the pregnancy.
In our situation we had to say no to a couple of expenses because the bmom lived at home. In our failed match, the emom wanted us to give her our extra microwave, our attorney said that we couldn't because it could look like a bribe to the court. I asked if we could buy her one and she said no. The only thing we could do was give her a gift card for Wal-Mart...but we still couldn't tell her to buy a microwave with it.
Best wishes. It will all work out.
Sorry to hear about your problems.
We are also feeling the pinch money wise. We have been told to hire a attorney (3,000) to get the Visa when someone would just tell what form to fill out I could. Now they are saying we have to go back to Canada when we were told we would not have to (3,000++).
I feel your pain.UGH
Speak with your attorney and maybe he will give you some insight.
Oh my gosh, i am so sorry you're having to go through all of this.
:::VIRTUAL HUGS:::
Like previous posters have mentioned, this looks exactly like emotional black mail to me. You have been so strong up to this point, do not let her take advantage of you. If you have a budget, stick to the budget, and remind BM, that you have the budget, so that you ARE able to pay for a home, and items for the new arrival
Good luck, keep us updated!
Dental work -- unless it's threatening to the pregnancy, I wouldn't pay for it. Additional, Medicaid will cover a large portion of dental work, so unless she's getting veneers or something, she shouldn't really need you guys to help. I'm also curious if she's having the work done now, lots of dentists don't want you to have dental work done unless it's emergency while you're pregnant because of the risk of infection. I would be highly suspicious of this and quite frankly, I would say no.
All of our expenses had to/have to be approved by a judge. We were a little surprised when our birthmom ask for "help" for a few weeks after the baby comes around the house. She has no local friends/family who can help, her husband works all day, and she'll have children to get to/from school and her youngest at home all day. She is having a scheduled c-section (for medical reasons) and won't be able to lift anything and have limited movement for a few weeks. Medicaid won't cover it, but the judge did agree that we could pay for it up to a certain amount (we're just hiring a housekeeper/nanny/general help, not a nurse). But she had to submit all of her expenses and we can give her cash, but cannot tell her what to spend it on. If she blows it on something else, not our problem. Except for the help, we are allowed to write a check directly to the agency who we're using.
I would be surprised if a judge would approve dental work. If you're in a state where expenses don't have to be approved, it's a tough decision to make. I think it's worth standing up and saying no though, you have to draw a line somewhere and if she wants to continue with you, she will. It's a tough situation all around and I feel your pain (we're there too). (((HUGS)))
I'm sorry to hear about these things--others have offered great advice so I'm just going to say this:
Don't allow yourself to be a punching bag! IF something sounds fishy--which this does--it probably is! Follow your gut and your heart--and your attorney!
And if you need me to come with brass knuckles. I'm there
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WOW...it looks like you are in a really difficult situation. We didn't pay any BM expenses, so no personal advice to offer. I would be inclined to say no to the dental expenses, it just doesn't seem related. Ultimately, I would probably do whatever your attorney advises.
Thinking about you, I'm sure this is so heavy on your mind and heart!
Wow, you have been under a lot of stress! I'm sorry you are going through this!
I ditto PP on the dental work - unless her dental condition threatens the pregnancy, which is unlikely, it should probably be delayed until she's post-partum. Like others said, Medicaid should cover it. If not, have her check and see if there is a dental school locally; they often offer outreach and low/no cost care.
As far as the delivery, I would avoid an elective induction for a couple reasons. First, if there's no medical need, why risk it? A chemically-induced delivery can be long and painful. Second, what happens if she is induced (and Medicaid doesn't pay) - and then she decides to parent her child? She will have made a decision that puts her in further economic straits because she'll be on the hook for the hospital bills.
Obviously, I hope that she follows through with her adoption plan, but I would also be concerned for her making a medical decision that, while kind and generous to you, may not be in her best interests. Not to mention that her attorney sounds kinda loosey-goosey - I would not want her to try and come after you for expenses incurred by her client that were made for your benefit. Does that make sense? She wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on, but I'd hate to see a situation that turns out badly become even more nightmare-ish because of a hinky attorney. Just food for thought.
Again, I truly hope this works out for you, but I agree with others that this seems to be heading down emotional blackmail territory - and her attorney may be part of the problem.
Oh, Tiff, I'm so sorry you are going through this! It does seem like she's trying to take advantage of you, and I can't imagine how hard that is to deal with.
I wish you the best as you decide just how to respond to her, and I pray that your relationship stays strong despite the necessary boundaries it looks like you are going to have to draw.
Wanted to add on the delivery. Our BM was induced. I'm not sure the exact reason, but we knew upfront this would happen and we also knew we were responsible for the medical expenses. He was a big boy even two weeks early so he was coming one way or not. Our fee was lower, so even with the medical it was cheaper than almost all other cases we had seen prior.?
The hospital we delivered at had an agreement that if we paid at checkout they charged us 1/2 the cost. It was a special adoption agreement. Maybe you could talk to the hospital if it is something that is important to you. I understand about the money thing. I will say that being in the delivery room was really special for us. It had a lot to do with the relationship we had with the BM, too.?