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Austin Babies
MrsAJL
member
Hard decision to make (vent)
MrsAJL
member
DH and I wanted to TTC #2 this summer. Because of pre-existing medical conditions, I've been visiting all my specialists. Now, not one physician has flat out said "You shouldn't have a 2nd child" but there has been some concern expressed with what could happen to my health after the pregnancy.
With DS, I did have some problems post-partum that have accelerated (for lack of a better word) my condition and there is a good chance that subsequent pregnancies would also have a negative impact on my health.
*phew* All that to say, we're leaning towards having only DS rather than risk health complications for myself. I'm really sad about this. I'm not as sad about not having another baby as I am sad that I'm losing what I had expected my life to be (house full of children).
I don't know. I'm just sort of feeling out of sorts about all this. I might DD this later, but I could use some input that we're making a good decision and not doing a disservice to DS for not giving him a sibling.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hard decision to make (vent)
That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to be in. I think you are right in putting the priority on your own health--your son (and any other children) need a healthy mother in their lives.
There are other ways to give your son a sibling if that's a priority for you. Have you considered adoption for expanding your family?
Just remember that you are making every decision out of love--love of yourself and your health, love for your DS and deciding to ensure that his mother is around and healthy, etc.--and that can't be wrong.
One of my reasons for perhaps staying with one child is that pregnancy did nasty things to my body including increasing my cancer risks significantly. I will see my specialists before deciding whether or not to have another child, and I applaud you doing the same. My thought was that I would much rather only have one child and an emptier home, than to bring other children into the world and end up not being around to raise them. Perhaps it's selfishness on my part, but I don't want to leave my child(ren) motherless.
Are you opposed to having non-biological children? You could foster or adopt and still get your dream of a house full of children.
Do you feel like your doctors have too negative of a viewpoint? Do you want to get other opinions?
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with these questions and what if's.
leaving now. see you there in 15 minutes!
Without knowing all the details I would think you would be doing a greater disservice to DS by putting your health at risk and not being a healthy mama.
While it is great to have siblings and multiple children--I know that my mother had health issues that caused her to have a stroke when I was 16. She never was the same parent again. While I am greatful she is alive she is not the same mom and I was put into a caregiver role at a very young age (my parents were seperated and I was the only one left at home). I would have gladly given up all 4 of my siblings to have my "old" mom at all my big events like graduations, my wedding, birth of of my children.
I would get a 2nd and 3rd opinion for sure before making a final decision but I would never feel guilty about not being able to have more children.
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are in this position.
Perhaps it would help to think of this as a decision you are not making now but simply putting off for a later point in time. Your son is only 18 months old, so decisions about biological siblings don't have to be made right away. I don't know the details of your medical situation, but perhaps advances could be made in the next few years that would make a second pregnancy safer for you? I think for me, it would be easier for me to think of this as a decision we're delaying making rather than definitively saying that we're done having kids. Does that make sense?
If your son does end up being an only child, it could be a great experience for him. I know plenty of only children who say they wouldn't change a thing about their childhoods - and I know plenty of people with siblings who don't have close relationships with their siblings as adults.
If this does become a permanent "we're done having children" situation, then certainly take some time to grieve that because it IS a loss. In time, if you and DH feel strongly about having that house full of kids, then there are other options to consider if you are ready - foster parenting, adoption, and surrogacy are all wonderful ways to expand a family, and at some point in the future, they might be right for your family.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
So sorry your having to think about this. I agree w/ Mcgee, maybe you just put it on the backburner for a year or so to see if things change.
::Hugs::
This. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this...
As the previous poster said, without knowning the specifics, I'd still have to say I'd lean toward just having one. It's such a difficult situation to be in no matter what the reasons but your first child deserves to have you around and such (mentally and physically). But vent away because few of us are in your shoes and I can't imagine how hard that kind of decision must be =(
Were you ever cautioned about getting pregnant in the first place? Your post actually brought to mind the scene in Steel Magnolia's where Shelby's mom (played by my favorite actress, Sally Field) is upset that Shelby is having a baby - considering her severe diabetes. The famous quote that the scene results in is "I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special". I'm sure DS is already plenty special to you and you'll have to focus on that to decide.
ETA: The word you're probably looking for instead of accelerate is exacerbate. It just popped in my head while I was making dinner!
Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate your words. I think mcgee said it best though. Maybe this is something that DH and I just put a pin in for the moment.
Like I said, none of my physicians have said that I shouldn't have another baby. They're being realistic. The message has been to be aware that with my disease, subsequent pregnancies could bring on more health problems for me.
We're stuck between a rock and a hard place and have a lot of thinking to do. I just hate that we have to make this decision. Weighing the odds really sucks.
We had a similar decision to make. Except it was DH and not me that has the health concern. He was born w/ a severe heart defect (that has led him to have 5 open heart surgeries and will need more in the future). Our chance of having a child w/ his defect or worse is about 5-15%. We got pregnant knowing that risk. Thankfully dd's heart is normal. No defect. That said, we considered having another child, but the worry, the risk is not one that we want to put a child through in the event he/she would be born with a severe heart defect. The other consideration for us is knowing that DH's life may not be that of a normal adult (75+ years old for a male) we're chosing to have just one child and be thankful that dd is healthy and currently he doesn't have to have a procedure done this year.
His quality of life is one of the most important things for us.
You have to make your own decision, but having one child is not a bad thing if your quality of life will be "normal".