Update (Long rambling vent.. again)
So, BM finally called to speak with her child. They spoke shortly then she wanted to speak to ME about visitation. She doesnt talk to DH because they dont get along, so I get the JOY of talking to her. Anyways, she only wants to see him once before her wedding in sept because she cant afford to see him anyother time... said she couldnt feed him. OK, not really the deal, she had agreed to see him atleast twice before the wedding so he would have time with her. Finally we got to the point where we sat down with SS and talked about everything... about his mother, how she loves him but she had gone back on her promise, again. We also told him how we felt.... that we know she doesnt have a lot of money, but also it didnt seem like she was trying any harder to fix the situation (When SS was about 1 my now husband lived 2 hours from the 2 of them... he called every day to talk to him and worked 2 jobs to come home every weekend for only 24 hrs, BM shows no interest in working more than part time so she could see her son). Half way through SS starts to cry, something he NEVER does so we knew that he was finally starting to understand everything. I told him that I would offer to take him down to his Moms one day in July with movies and food so all it would cost her was time, no money at all. I called back and left a message for BM telling her this offer and letting her know that her son really wanted to just be with her no matter how short the visit is. We still havent heard back from her 2 days later. Nice.
But ofcourse dealing with all this made me a mess. I spend about an hour just crying about how unfair it is to SS to have to go through this and how unfair it is that SHE gets to be his mother but doesnt appriciate it at all. So overall.. was a great weekend! (yes, Im the queen of sarcasim!)
Re: Update (Long rambling vent.. again)
Just out of curiosity, how old is SS? I'm wondering why he needed the conversation about how mom let him down (again)? He knows this. He doesn't need to know the day-to-day details, imo, of when mom's supposed to come and how often she lets him down and how much dad does for him, etc. He knows this already. Your telling him "yeah, she loves you, but she doesn't love you enough" doesn't help him. Also, he's a child. He has no business at this age hearing how you feel about his mother and her actions. He's having enough trouble learning how to understand and deal with his own.
Also, IMO, you need to step back. It doesn't matter if she and DH don't get along. The custody, etc. is between them and you're taking the calls for him and being an intermediary doesn't help them learn to get along and communicate. Especially since it seems you don't like her or get along with her either. He picks up the phone, or she gets to talk to her son. "Hi, I love you. I'll talk to you soon." etc. You're adding another layer of dissension between them, enabling the situation and the acrimony, so to speak. Hand him the phone and say "Deal with it. Civilly." and quit being the middleman to two people who don't get along. People will learn to get along a lot better if they are forced to.
MrsBPO,
Thank you for your opinions. SS is 9, will be 10 this October. We sit him down and speak to him about these things at the recommendation of his councilors and psychologist. He has trouble dealing with emotions and will not unless he is spoken to about them. If he does not deal with them he acts out with anger and from time to time violence so when we know he is really REALLY hurt about a situation with his mother we sit him down and talk to him about it in order to let him deal with his emotions directly versus acting out against others.
Also, I speak with BM in order to give SS a chance to see her. I would love to step back and let her and DH talk about visitation but it won?t happen. BM would rather not see her child versus deal with her ex to get it organized. Do I enjoy talking to her about it, no, not at all, but I do so in order to give SS a chance to see his mother. Your suggestion to make them such it up and do it has been tried in the past, but for the 6 years they dealt with each other directly nothing ever improved therefore I have taken over the role to give SS the chance to see his mother which, I feel is important despite the fact that I do not like her. I?m willing to do anything that is in the best interest of my SS.