Do you ever feel worse for your parents?

EmptyOven25 · July 2009

With IUI #1 in the near future (tomorrow), my mom is over-the-moon with excitement. My mom and I are extremely close, but she doesn't really understand this whole IF thing, and doesn't know anything about success rates and what-not. Every time I have to call her with BFN news, she sounds so sad and disappointed. Usually, she says something like, "I am so sorry you are going through this," which makes me even more upset. She wants grandkids SO BADLY, and I just hate hearing her get so excited about the IUI when there is still a possibility that I'll get a BFN in two weeks.

Anyone else have parental issues like this?

colbie77 · July 2009

I feel exactly the same way. We told my mom about our IUIs and she was always so excited, and then so sad for us when the BFNs came in.

To top it all off, my mom has cancer (diagnosed about 6 months after we started trying), and having grandchildren is her biggest dream. To not be able to give that to her is heartbreaking.

qtpa2t · July 2009

I have felt that way often. To make matters worse, my father is 83, and my mother is 65 with a brain tumor. I hope they are still around in a eyar.

kimarino13 · July 2009

Yes. My brothers probably won't have kids, and my SIL won't either. So MH and I are both families' only chance for grandkids. I know how sad they all got after every loss.

Dr.Loretta · July 2009

No, because my parents have 4 grandkids and another on the way.

Not to be harsh, but your mom needs to take it down a notch. It's stressful enough dealing with IF without having your parents adding pressure to the mix.

pinkcallalily · July 2009

I know exactly how you feel! My parents (especially my dad) want grandchildren so badly and my grandma would love to have a great-grandchild. My brother and sister have both said they don't want children so it's up to me to produce grandchildren and I can't. My FIL also really wanted grandchildren and he died very unexpectedly in October with no grandchildren (my dh is the oldest by several years so no one else could have given him any). At the funeral everyone kept coming up to me and telling me how horrible it was that he never got to have any grandchildren - it made me feel so guilty even though I really couldn't have done anything more to fix it.

Mrs.Kiltlifter · July 2009

Yup all the time. I also feel really bad since my DH cannot have biological children and so I have this sorrow for my MIL and FIL.

jehnm · July 2009

I think this is probably a common thing when you are close to your parents. My mom is supportive, but it's so hard to tell her when we have bad news. She had no trouble getting pregnant so she also can't understand. She says it's just really hard to see my having to go through so much sadness. The next few cycles I think we may just tell her we are still on a break and hopefully we'll eventually have good news to share! My parent's don't have any grandkids yet, but my brother just got married so it may not be long!

SASSI712 · July 2009

Well...in my case I was never able to give my mom the granchild she wanted so badly...she passed away 9 years before I had my son...and I can tell you that to this day I still have guilt..I was almost 26 when she passed and just 2 days before that she was telling me how bad she wanted a granchild and i told her that we have plenty of time and that I wasn't ready to settle down and have a child yet...so yes...I know the feeling!!!

RFBsbride · July 2009

Absolutely - my parents are "struggling with IF" right along with DH and I. I'm not sure I could make it through some of the heartbreaking news without my parents love and support. We were visiting them in FL when we got the call (at a Red Sox game no less!) that we had lost our second donor and we had to go back to square one. The four of us cried and cried and then we lifted each others spirits. I am my parents only living child and their only shot at being grandparents, but they have both told me over and over again that they feel their life is full and if grandchildren are not in the future, they are just fine with that. I would still really like to give them at least one though.

EmptyOven25 · July 2009

Dr.Loretta:

Not to be harsh, but your mom needs to take it down a notch. It's stressful enough dealing with IF without having your parents adding pressure to the mix.

I think this is a little bit inappropriate. My mom isn't "riding my case" about my IF or anything. I think she is extremely sad that I am going through this while all my friends are having babies and all her friends are having grandkids. I think your response would apply to a selfish mother whose only concern is herself, and that is not my experience with my mother. I, like so many of the other posters who have responded to this thread, think my mother would make a fantastic grandma and would love to make that happen for her. She's not adding any stress.

EmptyOven25 · July 2009

jehnm:
The next few cycles I think we may just tell her we are still on a break and hopefully we'll eventually have good news to share!

I've tried this several times, and I just can't keep my big mouth shut!! lol Good luck to you. Hopefully you'll have good news for them soon.

greekwife05 · July 2009

Yes! My dad is planning on collecting his retirement at the end of next school year and would like to travel but he always says that when he does that that'll be when I get pregnant.

I feel like telling him that he should just go because it may never happen.

He has two grand daughters from my older brother but we never get to see them so he's looking forward to me having children so he can actually spend time with them.

MrsP71506 · July 2009

This may sound crazy, but this is why my parents don't know anything. I know it sounds weird, but my mother is a worrier and it would just give her so much stress and I just can't do that to her. She is the mom that calls me and leaves a message and if I don't call back in an hour she calls again and is asking where am I. I love my parents and there are times I really wish I could just tell them, but DH always reminds me what it would do to my mom. We figured that if we have to go to IVF then we would tell them.

smilee · July 2009

Neither of my parents are still alive, but I know this would've taken a toll on my mom.

I do feel bad for MIL... she becomes so vested.. and so devastated every time something crappy happens.

We are thinking of not telling the next time we cycle for this reason.

Two*True · July 2009

Our parents don't know we are trying but I'm sure I would feel this way. I already feel bad because my dad is in his 70s and I worry he won't ever get to see his grandchildren. Plus my parents have started to hint at wanting grandkids so that makes me want a child even more.

Temp848906437505510 · July 2009

Yes, a huge component of the grief I've gone through has been the fact that I was unable to make my parents grandparents.

bcbuttons · July 2009

I know exactly how you feel too. I think its really hard for them because being our parents they want to "fix" the problem. I think my parents feel helpless because no matter what, all they can offer is support! My mom even tried to pretend she wanted to buy one of my old cameras from me... for the exact amount I just paid for our injectables cycle, ha!! I told her we didn't need the $$ and she said, "I just want to feel like I'm helping!"

EmptyOven25 · July 2009

bcbuttons:
I know exactly how you feel too. I think its really hard for them because being our parents they want to "fix" the problem. I think my parents feel helpless because no matter what, all they can offer is support! My mom even tried to pretend she wanted to buy one of my old cameras from me... for the exact amount I just paid for our injectables cycle, ha!! I told her we didn't need the $$ and she said, "I just want to feel like I'm helping!"

That totally sounds like something my mom would do. She's always offering to pay for stuff when she figures out how much it all costs.

MrsKylieJ · July 2009

With my parents, no. They have like 30 grandkids. While they would like us to have a child, I think they will survive if we don't.

My aunt- yes. I brought her to tears as she went through exactly what we are going through (they tried for 5 years, they never found anything wrong with either of them, and finally adopted my cousin). It kills her that I am having to go through the same crap she did.

pubgirl1976 · July 2009

Yep, both DH and I are only children and I feel incredibly guilty that we can't produce a grandchild for our parents (and even though neither set say anything to us about it, I know they'd all love to be grandparents).

CarrieB. · July 2009

i feel incredibly guilty about not being able to give my parents grandchildren. i'm the oldest daughter and the only married one. last Christmas my dad said really loudly how he really wanted grandchildren - a lot of their friend have grandchildren... i feel horrible really about this. but we don't talk to them about our IF at this point and they don't ask us directly which is nice at least.

ked1068 · July 2009

I feel that for my parents...DEFINITELY. Heck, they've cried just as hard or harder when I've delivered my not happy news over the last few years. It breaks my heart that they are hurting. They want so badly to be grandparents and more importantly, for us to be parents, but feel as helpless as we are!

Having ILs who aren't as wonderful makes me happy that my parents are so great...they are happy with us and grieve with us. I'm very lucky to have such a support system.

(Hey C ~ with my first IVF I didn't tell my parents we were doing it and it was H*LL! I vowed to never do that to them again.)

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