? For those with multiple losses
I never thought this would happen to me not just once but twice. The first time I feel like I lost my innocence so this time around I was not as excited and felt somewhat skeptical about successfully carrying this baby to term and prepared myself mentally/intellectually for this. But I think this is why I am not feeling as emotionally affected.
The first time I also had about five painful weeks to process everything from the time I was told I would miscarry to actually miscarrying. This resulted in a roller coaster of emotions and I felt them all. This time I used miso the night I found out. I have only cried about three times (one time very painfully and publicly at the dr.'s opffice right after I found out). I am not sure how to process what I feel emotionally. I'm not even sure what I feel emotionally besides grief, self pity and a sense of failure.
Maybe it is so soon that the reality has not sunk in for me? Did anyone else experience less crying or grief the second time around? I am scared to TTC again but DH and I agree we will not give up. But I feel guilty for not grieving as much this time.
Re: ? For those with multiple losses
I've lost 5, most early, but this last one was a tri13 baby girl at 9-10 weeks. I've processed each one differently, but the last one took in ALL the others, and I was a huge hot mess for several weeks. Still am, at times.
There's no right or wrong way to experience the emotions. Just recognize them, know you're having a hard time and be kind to yourself, and ride it out. Sometimes your mind protects your heart, just roll with it ;-)
(I'm sorry for your losses, I really am)
DavezWife - I am so sorry for your losses. I can't begin to imagine. I thought I would be a hot mess too and warned DH that I may have a nervous breakdown, he was worried. It is still early so I might still have one once it sinks in. I have already told DH that I am going to look into counseling and he is completely supportive.
Your DD is adorable!
My first loss I handled much better than this one. I was 8 weeks along and they just kept telling me that this happens to every woman once, it was early. So, I guess I believed it, silly in retrospect. So then when I got pregnant this time I had good ultrasounds, everything was fine. Then I made it to second tri, again, everything perfect. They tell you once you see the heartbeat your chances of loss go way down, once you get to twelve weeks, way down again. Then bam 16 weeks no heartbeat. Totally caught me off guard. I still 7 weeks later have no idea why we lost the baby.
I'm sorry for your losses, I think everyone handles them differently. But, it could be that it hasn't hit yet, I'm not sure.
I am very sorry for your losses.
I had my 2nd m/c this spring, and did find myself reacting differently, but it's hard to describe how. The first time the bleeding started and we weren't sure what was happening. We went in to the dr and saw the heartbeat and they tried to reassure me, but it didn't really work. I had a couple more days of bleeding, and then the m/c. I feel like that time allowed me to cry and really take in what was happening.
The second time, we went in for an 8w ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I knew right away it was over. I cried there, and in the parking lot, but not much since. I ended up having a D&C - almost 2 weeks after the u/s but I never felt I had the processing time of the first m/c.
I was definitely angrier the second time, and more numb as well.
After the 2nd I also found I wanted some memento for both losses and bought a little "baby bean" bracelet with crystals in the colors of the birthstones each baby would have had. That has helped.
My losses were about two years apart (avoiding in between), but I've found I didn't really deal with either one better than the other. I think in some ways my more recent loss was more difficult just because I was further along and had actually felt pg and begun to relax and believe we would really have a baby.
I'm sorry for your losses. However you deal with them is just how you deal, no right or wrong. No matter how you feel in the coming days and weeks, know that everyone here is here for you. I've found it's a constant process of ups and downs. ::hugs::
I grieved for our first one right up until the day I was surprised with implantation bleeding for our second. I have not been as depressed or grieved with the second.
I was more attached to our second - she was with us longer and I thought everything would be okay.
Sometimes I feel guilty too, for not grieving as much.
But with my first I thought that it might have been my fault, that maybe an ignorant mommy did something that hurt her baby. With my second I know I did everything right.
Mostly I take comfort in the thought that my little ones are playing together in heaven.
This also helps me get through the days.
I'm so sorry to hear of your lossses. I too have lost two pregnancies....my first loss (she was stillborn) was at 22 weeks and my second loss was at 21 weeks (she lived for 22 minutes after I delivered). I think the first one was harder to deal with in certain respects because I never in my wildest dreams thought that something like this would happen and when it did happen, it all happened over a couse of 24 hours.
Our second loss was just as devastating, but I had 3 weeks of hospitalized bedrest to come to face the fact that I would most likely lose this one too. I don't know if it was the few minutes of holding her while she was alive that helped the grieving process, but the emotional recovery time was somewhat easier the second time around.
I lost our second daughter in Feb 2008 and our first in May 2006 and not a day goes by that I still don't think of them, but it is easier to think of them and smile now. I am currently 26w4d pregnant with our third and you simply learn to never take one single day of your pregnancy for granted.
My heart goes out to you.....I know what you're going through and how terrible it is.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. My first miscarriage came after a pregnancy that we had only just begun to think about (I had gone off of my B/C and we got pregnant the very next month). I was about 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant and then lost the baby 1 week later. Unfortunately, we found out we were pregnant just a few days before Christmas, so we decided to tell everyone...we had no idea what was in store for us. After losing the first baby I decided to find a regular OB/GYN and make plans for trying again. The doc said to wait about 3 months and then try again. So, we waited 3 months, tried one month without success and then got pregnant the very next month. Once again, around 6 weeks I started having spotting and within a week I had miscarried again. This time I went to the doc and started asking questions about what could be wrong with me. He was a complete jerk and avoided all of my questions. He finally told me that he would not do any kind of testing on me unless I had a 3rd miscarriage...he actually wanted me to suffer through this again! I left that office never to return again.
Thank goodness a good friend of mine from work had a wonderful OB/GYN that was very intuitive and willing to help me and listen to my issues. At my first appointment with her she ordered a ton of bloodwork. Shortly thereafter we determined that I had a genetic abnormality that was called MTHFR (couldn't tell you exactly what it stands for). The MTHFR gene mutation affects how you process folic acid and it can cause blood clots (both of which are really bad when you're pregnant of course!) She put me on an 81mg aspirin a day and 4mg of folic acid a day. I took those and prenatal vitamins for about a year before I was ready to try again. My husband and I tried once and got pregnant right away...and I just had a different feeling about this one. I went in right away and had 2 ultrasounds done (1 at 6 weeks where I saw the heartbeat and then another at 8 weeks where my husband and I heard the heartbeat). Since then we heard the heartbeat again on a doppler at 12 weeks. So far everything seems to be going fine (13 weeks and 1 day), but not a day goes by that I don't worry about losing this baby. Please know that you cannot give up hope...I was devastated after both losses, but was finally able to move on and gave myself plenty of time to heal before we tried again. Best of luck to you, and always keep your head up!