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2nd Trimester
Inlaws still not speaking to us ...
Maybe if I wasn't such an insomniac these days, I wouldn't post at 1 in the morning.. lol Oh well.
Here is the post I posted originally ... it's kind of long, but if you want to skim it, this post will make more sense. https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/18373534.aspx
We went to where both our families live for the 4th, and DH's parents refused to return his email/calls that let them know we were in town and would like to see them. They also refused to return any contact he tried to initiate last week. Personally, I think they are acting like a couple of 10 year olds, but I would never mutter those words aloud. :-P
I am sad beyond belief that they have pretty much cut us out, at least for the time being. However, I still don't think I have done anything wrong. I don't feel like it was wrong for me to express my unhappiness with DH, nor do I feel wrong that I asked him to let them know they could not stay. A) They asked him if they could stay ... they didn't even ask when I was in the room. 
They are his parents. If it had been my parents, I would have been the one to tell them. C) I still think it is rude to assume that you have the right to stay at someone's house longer than planned just because you don't have to work the following day. D) As far as he has let me know, DH is on the same page as I am about these things.
Anyway, in short ... what do I do now? I don't want to call them up and apologize because I'm not sorry that we asked them to leave. I'm sorry they're feelings are so hurt ... and I'm sorry that they aren't speaking to us (especially sorry for DH ... and I've told him this over and over).
Bah. :-P
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Inlaws still not speaking to us ...
that sucks! the good news is that you and your hubby are on the same page, if this happened to me, he would have never said they are not welcome and i would have just been biting my tongue the entire time. you are very lucky in that sense! anyways, i think i would just call them and apologize (while fingers crossed in the back of me) just b/c they seem too stubborn to realize you have a life and you are not a hotel. ... but i can understand apologizing should not be the case since you didn't do anything wrong...
How about sending them a letter saying "we love you and don't want you to be mad at us, we only had plans that night" simple and to the point, if they decide to stay mad than let them.. they may just need time. Usually people forget why they are even mad when it's petty things like this. They might just need time.
good luck
I would try to extend an olive brancy yourself. I know that you did have every right to assert, and ask them to leave, but really in the end, they are family.
I have some overbearing parents, and line crossing inlaws too. We have had to set boundaries in the last 2 years, but what I have learned is that we need to pick boundaries that are truly important. They obviously did not have the money to stay at a hotel, and if any of our family were in town we would be offended if they chose to pay to sleep somewhere rather than stay with us.
Trust me when that baby is here, there will be bigger fish to fry, and you never know when you may need help from a mother-in-law to come stay while you heal from a c-section, or something.
I would try to make sure that this is mended. If I were you.
Sheesh; I am so sorry that you are dealing with such immaturity from people who are thought of as adults! It can be mindblowing the way some people behave.
Part of me wants to say, "don't appoligize b/c they had no right to assume they could stay an extra night, esp since they knew you had plans with friends." On the other hand; explaining why you asked them to leave could save you when the baby comes. Let them know that you welcome them and want their help and company BUT it is your home and you need your boundries.
As adults; sometimes we have to suck it up and appoligize for things we don't feel we should just to end the conflict. Be the bigger person here. It would suck if there were still hard feelings when the baby comes.
THIS!?
I couldn't have said it better. Just be the bigger person, it's just not worth it. You made you're point, and you can also let them know when you extend an olive branch how you both felt. You never know when you might really need them once the baby is here.
I'll be completely honest and say that I think you were totally wrong on this one and I'd be mad if I were them too. They are family, visiting from out of town, they want to spend some time with you, I don't see why they couldn't have either joined the party or been asked to go out to dinner or something....I just cannot even imagine that in your situation I would have told them they had to leave. I'd definitely be hurt if I were them too. I really think they deserve an apology and that you sound like a brat. Sorry, just being honest.
I will also say that their reaction is going a bit too far. I'd definitely be hurt, but cutting you out seems silly too.
agree, very selfish and rude beahavior so I understand why your in-laws are hurt
Well, working with people on a constant basis and dealing with people getting upset over silly little things I've learned a great apology technique. You could call and say "I'm sorry we hurt your feelings, but you have to understand that we had plans. What can WE do in the future to make sure that nothing like this happens again?"
Most of the time an apology likes this saves the situation from turning into a complete blowout. I feel like I am going to be doing the same thing once the baby is born because my b/f's family lives like 10 min away and think thye need to be here all the time....
I understand your predicament, (my in-laws are nuts) but I have learned over the last 6 years of my husband's and my relationship that it's just not worth it. When I say nuts, I mean my ILs have been divorced for almost 20 years and are still acting like 10 yr olds about it. My MIL is at least nice but I can't stand my FIL and his wife most of the time. Self-absorbed doesn't even begin to cover it. For example, they left our wedding without tell my DH (or me) goodbye, they still haven't told us they enjoyed the wedding or given us so much as a card saying congrats (it's been 2.5 yrs) and last Christmas DH and I were running about 20 minutes late (because we have to drive all over town) and they started dinner without us. This is just a small sampling of the kind of crazy we have to deal with. I could go on and on.
I used to get really, really upset and angry over this kind of stuff. Mostly because it upset DH and hurt his feelings. However, I have come to realize that they are just selfish idiots and there is nothing DH or I can do to change them. We mostly ignore their crap and when we can't, we try and deal with it in the least inflamtory way possible.
Unfortunately, I think that you and DH are going to have to bite the bullet and apologize to them. I don't think you should have too, but I think it's the only thing that would work. While I understand that you weren't expecting them to stay another day and it messed with your plans, they are family and we do all kinds of stuff for family that we would never do for anyone else. I personally would never kick my parents out like that but I would certainly consider it with my ILs (but probably would let them stay just to avoid the scene). Every family is different. I would apologize, tell them you're sorry you should have let them stay but you were caught off guard and over-reacted. In the future, if they want to stay with you and DH they need to let you know ahead of time how long they will be staying so that you can plan accordingly. Explain that you didn't mean to hurt their feelings and ask them why they are so upset. Sometimes people just need to vent (I am an attorney and a certified mediator for a living and you would be surprised how often people just want to let the other side know why they are upset). Acknowledge their feelings, explain yours and tell them you hope in the future you can all communicate better so that this doesn't happen again. Again, I know you shouldn't have to apologize but I am telling you from experience (both personal and professional) that once they start acting like little kids there is nothing to do but placate them. It's not right or fair, but that's just the way it is if you want your DH to still have a relationship with them. Good luck!
I agree that you didn't do anything wrong; however, they are family. You can apologize w/o saying you did something wrong, because it's really hurting their feelings that you feel bad about right? I would apologize only for that, along with the explanation that they most welcome in your home, but ask that they tell you up front how long they intend to stay, as you may have plans.
Just keep it simple and sincere-don't give in and say you should have let them stay-keep the boundaries! Overall, this is not worth fighting over who was right or wrong (even if you were more right than them!)
I read your previous post, so I got the whole story. I ABSOLUTELY think you're right in this situation. I would understand their side a little better if you never let them stay or they had let you know earlier or something like that.
Anyway, my advice would be to write them a letter and say you're sorry that they took this situation the wrong way and simply leave it at that. I don't think I'd even explain myself...although that's what I'd want to do (well, the beginning of what I'd want to do to the MIL). That way they can take the apology however they want.
On the other hand, I don't know how the relationship has been in the past. If they're constantly overstepping boundaries, I'd either ignore them or write to them stating that you would love to sit down and discuss boundaries with them.
Good luck. Feel bad for both of you. Please tell DH I'm proud of him for supporting you in this difficult time w/ his family.
They knew well before they got here that we had plans that evening. And it's not that I don't want to see them/spend time with them/etc ... but we spent the weekend with them two weeks prior AND we already planned on going down to where they live the following weekend. It's not like we never see them, you know?
Anyway, I do see your point ... and I probably should have asked them directly earlier in the day. I asked my husband 3 or 4 times after we arrived back home ... and he chose not to ask until later. My MIL has a very short set of strings and I did NOT want to make her feel unwelcome, so I put off asking because I assumed they were going to leave on Sunday. Those were the plans they made ... so those there the plans I was anticipating. Thanks for your response.
Thanks (to everyone, not just this poster.
). Perhaps I will do this ... just to stop the drama. Like I said, I don't feel bad about asking them to leave. I would have done the same with my parents. And yes, if we were visiting our parents (either set), and we intended to stay longer than we planned, I would clear it with them as soon as we decided to so do ... not an hour before we have to leave. We don't have bedrooms at their houses, so they are making space for us. They don't mind, but if there was any reason why they couldn't house us an extra night, I would definitely understand.
Anyway, I think if it doesn't blow over by this weekend ... I will just write them and apologize for hurting their feelings and let them know that they are still welcome here, but that our plans do not always coincide with what they are asking of us. It's not like I never want to see them again -- heck, we bought a futon so they would have a place to sleep when they come! But I need my boundaries with my MIL who says that now that we live closer, she can "come over all the time".
Thanks again girls. Will let you know how this one pans out.
My feeling as well. I know some families arent close in that way.. opening your home for them even if longer than expected. I am a southern girl and the way I was raised, I would NEVER even think of asking my in laws to leave,, even if I felt they were over extending their welcome. How would you feel if they treated you that way?
Good luck and I hope they come around... I would go out of my way to make it right
As someone who has dealt with in-laws that get an inch and take a mile, I understand how important it is to push boundaries. I was a push-over the first year of DD's life and allowed them to come and stay with us whenever they wanted regardless of plans and it bit me in the butt when they booked themselves a two week stay at our house without asking. We both work, they wanted us to pull DD out of daycare for the entire time they were here... it was a ridiculous request. Anyway, I put my foot down and told them that they could stay with us but they would be bored from 9-5:30 b/c DD would be in school. They were furious and decided not to come. Was I wrong? No. Did they get over it quickly? No. Did I apologize? Sort of... I wrote my MIL an email where I made it clear that I was sorry she was hurt/upset but that they needed to understand our point of view as to why we weren't going to take her out for two full weeks. In the end, the ball was in their court and if they wanted to see DD then they'd have to get over it.
I honeslty wouldn't take full blame here or they will continue to walk all over you and abuse you, if they are anything like my in-laws. You can tell them you are sorry that they were hurt because you asked them to leave, but remind them of their original intentions to stay through Sunday and that they should respect your lives/plans as well.
Good luck. In law drama is the worst. At least mine live far, far away.
I snipped some of this.
Thanks for the input. This is how I've been feeling. I thought it was plenty gracious for us to allow them to stay in our home when we weren't even here ... and had they told us they wanted to stay until Monday BEFORE Sunday at 4:30pm ... I probably would have been willing to be more accommodating.
However, my MIL also sat me down a month before I married her son and told me that I was "taking her son away from her" and pretty much demoted my position as his wife. Soooo... needless to say, I feel like it is time to stand up to her and finally set some boundaries. Anyway, I do think I will just give it a few more days and if they are still refusing to talk to my husband, I will send an email and let them know I'm sorry their feelings are hurt and explain why I did not want them to stay another night. They can take it or leave it at that point.