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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
GRKaters
member
NTR: Do you have a best friend? LONG
GRKaters
member
The kind of friend you can (and do) call at all hours of the day or night, with any problem or concern or even happy news to share? The kind you've stayed close with despite living in different cities (if you do) and being at different stages in life? The kind of friend you'd call to pick up your toddler if he was acting up at your doctor's appointment and you just couldn't leave yet, or the kind you'd call to get your sick kid from school if you were unable to get there right away?
I don't. DH and I pretty much stopped hanging out with our "friends" when DS was born, and I realized recently that none of them ever call us to do things, though we continue to try and set things up with them--dinners, activities, get-togethers, etc. Nobody reaches out to us, though. I don't have a close girlfriend I can vent to when DH is annoying me, or I've just had too long of a week with DS.
If you have that kind of friend, where'd you find him/her? Did you grow up together, meet each other in a mom's group, what? I lost touch with my bestest best friends in high school when they moved away, and then the next group in college, when *I* moved away. Nobody ever responded to my emails or written letters attempting to keep in touch. This all hit me last night, when I was feeling incredibly lonely after not leaving the house literally all weekend. It was sad and isolating (I was sick, and was also trying to accomplish a house project) and not one person called to check up on me or to offer help.
I found out later (on Facebook, how lame) that a group of "friends" met at a local brewery to hang out. These are people I meet with weekly for a girls' run and nobody even dropped a text to say they were going. So how do you get and keep those good friends without feeling like you're always the one to make the gesture or invite yourself along to things? I feel like such an Eeyore all moping around about this.?
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: NTR: Do you have a best friend? LONG
I do have a BFF...but she lives in another state. We met in elementary school and have been best friends since the 6th grade. So, I can call her day and night, share all kinds of news, etc...but physically here, I don't really have anyone.
I did join MOMS Club and there is a great group of women that I know I could trust to help out with DD if I really needed them to. But, it's not the same.
I feel ya!
I'm in a similar boat. I still have a "best" friend, but we've definitely grown apart since DS was born. She just got married in December and is still in that newlywed phase and is nowhere near being ready to TTC. She seems to hang out with her other childless friends because it can be too much of a hassle to try to get together with me (her words). I feel like our other friends have started overlooking us for plans, too. It sucks.
I joined a mom's group and I have clicked with one of the moms. I wouldn't say we're best friends yet, but we email or text each other when we're having bad days and we commiserate about our DS's (they're a week apart in age). It is nice having someone who knows exactly what you're going through and can vent with.
I had a best friend like that. She is single, and she moved to Bangladesh for 1.5 years to teach and recruit for a women's school there. She hasn't met DS yet
We are actually in the process of moving right now to be closer to some of our work friends who have children. We are going to put our son in the same daycare, join the same gym, etc. Hopefully things will work out that we have a little more of a group of people we can lean on (and vice versa).
I have a few lifelong friends...but no one living closeby. I don't hear from them as much as I'd like...but I know they will always be the kind of friends I can pick up where I left off with every time I see them...and I'm thankful for that.
I have friends in the area I live...but none that I have that BFF feeling with. I absolutely understand how you feel. 2 of my good friends were out together on Friday night at the bar literally across the street from my condo and neither one called. I was a little bummed. I know since having DS I'm a little unavailable and not always able to go out, but they could have called. I don't always put in the effort either...but it gets tiring feeling like I'm always tracking down my friends and they aren't really doing the same.
I am thankful that DH is my best friend...but I do wish I had a female friend who I was just as close with.
I've never really had a best girlfriend like that either. I'm a bit reserved and I don't tend to have friendships that are everyday kind of relationships. My best friend right now is probably my SIL. But she lives in another state so again, it's not an everyday kind of friendship.
My dh does have friendships like this, I think it's just a different style of relating to people.
Aww, I'm sorry! That is hard!
I have a best friend. We've known each other since 1st grade. Have been friends since 5th grade. We have remained best friends despite going to colleges in different states, and now we live in different states. We haven't lived in the same area in 5 years. But we talk on the phone almost everyday. We used to talk everyday during the week on our way home from work. But she has a different schedule now so its harder to talk in the evenings. Somedays we'll talk multiple times in a day. I consider her my sister.
However, it sucks that we aren't in the same area. I miss her. I don't have anybody like that where I live. So if I did have a sick kid and needed help, or needed a friend to come over, etc I don't have her. I do have a few close girl friends, but not a best friend.
I don't think you can really seek out those kind of special friendships. It is a special relationship and you have to find somebody that you really click with. When you find somebody that will be your best friend like that, you don't feel like you're the one always making the effort, etc. I wish I could find an additional best friend that lives by me, but I just haven't found that person yet. Again, I think you can have good friends and have fun with them...but its not the same as what I have with my best friend.
I have one BFF. We grew up together and were side by side since I was born (her mom watched me). We had our rough patches when I was pregnant and young and we were at different timesin our lives, but no matter what, she was always my BFF and I could call her and she would do anything for me at the drop of a dime. She is literally like a sister to me.
As for my other "friends"....a lot of them dropped off after I had kids. I would try and stay in touch but I was never asked to hang out or go anywhere because they thought I couldn't just because I had kids. It really sucked and was a hard time to go through, but I am glad that I know who my real friends are now.
Maybe you could try hooking up with a mom's group or even local nesties through gtgs! I have met a lot of great women through my local Nestie Baby GTG groups. Some have become very close friends of mine!
I have a local BFF who I could call. She is single and childless but loves DS and I know she would be there for me/him in a pinch if I needed her to be. DH also has a large and local family, and I know I could call on his cousins and their families if I needed. They all have kids though, and know how it is.
There are a few friends I feel I have grown apart from since DS has been born. I am also in a couple mom groups, but it takes me a long time to get close to people, so I don't quite count any of them as close friends yet.
I totally know where you are coming from. Although I do have a BF (my roommate from freshman year in college), we rarely see each other (1 or 2X per year) and talk on the phone maybe quarterly. When we're together or on the phone it's as if no time has passed, but I feel like life has gotten in the way of having truly close friendships like you describe.
We moved a couple of years ago and now all of my friends are about 2 hours away in various directions. I have made a few friends at work that I do things with socially but it's not the same and you can't really be yourself around work friends. I think what bothers me the most is that even though I am very busy with DS, I still constantly initiate getting together with various friends and they can never commit to getting together, even when I offer to come to them. Several of my friends are what I call "friend collectors." They have so many friends they are constantly booked up and over-committed. I have also found that people I thought were good friends, but not BFFs, that I could talk to about Mom-stuff (PPD, questions/challenges with DS) have been judgy and weird with me.
I remember when I was growing up that my parents didn't have any super close friends and I always thought that was weird. Now, I understand. For the most part, I've gotten tired of trying to reach out to people so I only put forth effort for those who demonstrate they are willing to do the same. Sorry I don't have any answers for you. If you figure it out, let me know!
I have one friend that has lasted through HS, work, and college, and we've been friends since we were about 7. She is single w/o kids, though, so we live different lives. She came by for a couple of hours on Saturday to hang out, only to leave to go hang out with some girls at the bar within walking distance from my house. She didn't ask if I wanted to go. I get really lonely too when I think about it.
My sister and I are like this...we both have littles ones six months apart and we both SAH, so we talk everyday and we get together frequently.
I have a lot of mom group friends, but none that are "best friends." I think it's really a lot harder to find that special bond as you get older...I feel like I am always working to get everyone together and I get very irritated when people don't respond or don't show.
I don't have a bf either and it makes me so sad sometimes... All of my "true" friends live 5 hours away (and although I can call them whenever, it's too far to really be able to count on them in a pinch... If that makes sense.)
That's not to say that I dont have friends around here... I do, but I dont consider them the type of friends that I can count on in a pinch. They are all totally flakey or self-absorbed or at a totally different life stage.
This is probably why i'm on here so much. lol There's always someone on here willing to chat or help, ya know?
I know how you feel.
I have a *new* BF (at least I consider my BF). She was a friend of mine through a group of girlfriends who I was extremely close to. We wound up pregnant together and once our babies were here we became inseperable. She is an amazing person, mom and wife. I really enjoy our time together. Our DHs get along so well which helps. They can do man things together (like build our deck) while we hang inside with the kids. It just happened.
My "old" BF lives in another state. We went to college together. I don't get to see her too often - only for major events or weekend visits. Shes not married and lives with her mom. Things are very different for us. But, I know I can call her and count on her at any time!
I'm sort of the same way. Even my closet friend I wouldn't consider a diehard BFF. I've never had that kind of relationship with a girl... like the bff you see on tv/movies. I've always longed for that kind of relationship with a girl but it just never happened. I've always been more comfortable around guys. My BFF that I had that everyday type of relationship with was a male, but we had a falling out recently and haven't talked in a month. Our relationship was complicated by the fact that he had feelings for me and being that I'm married and have a child it sort of needed to end because it was beginning to impact my marriage.
I'd really love a close female friend. I'm so jealous of women who have that. I've tried mom's groups but it's a little awkward for me because I don't find that I have a lot in common with the women I met.
Moxie and Mischief - The Offbeat Mama's Guide to
Burlington County and Surrounding Areas
I just wanted to chime in and say that I, too, have had my feelings hurt over Facebook. I hate when people write about their social engagements on their wall, knowing that people who aren't invited will see it. (Actually, I think that's why they do it, to show how "popular" they are.) I actually deleted my Facebook account because I didn't want to play the high school games anymore.
Sorry you are feeling sad, I am sure you have more friends than you know!
Please try not to feel like an Eyeore -- it sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat.
I have two "best" friends, one I met in the 8th grade and one from college. But one lives in Switzerland and one lives in Peru, so it feels like I don't really have any BFFs to call on day or night. My sisters are really the people I am closest to, besides DH, but one of them lives 4 hours from me and one lives 4 hours from me.
I was feeling like complete loser last week, because DS was sick, and DH and I don't have any one we are close enough to in this city to just call up and ask for watch him to help us out.
We do hang out quite a bit (for people wth LOs) with one couple -- the husband went to law school with DH and they have twins DS's age. I really, really like her. We do go to dinner and email ourselves and definitely have developed a good friendship outside our husbands. Do you have a person like that you could start working on being better friends with?
Have you thought about meetup.com? I haven't tried it, but a woman I work with said it changed her life. She was able to meet all kinds of people interested in the things she's interested in and who WANT to make friends with people.
Just wanted to say I hear ya.
I am in the same boat and know how you feel. It seems like after having DD, everything has changed. When I do talk to "friends" (people from work who mainly are younger than me and have no kids of their own) I feel like they have no idea what I am talking about and don't understand at times. I feel like I am more "mature" than they are (I hope this doesn't sound like I am being stuck up) because I don't go out w/ them to the bars and go to their drunken get togethers. I have one friend that we get our kids together (her DS is 3 months older than DD) once a month if that.
Other than that I find myself always calling the people I know and keeping in touch and setting up times to hang out. I rarely get calls from them, nor do they ever set get togethers. Sometimes it bothers me, but then other times, it doesn't because I have had my feelings hurt too much to care while growing up. I always tell myself that I married my best friend for life and that we are raising our child together and that is what means most to me at this point of my life. I like meeting new people, but am too shy to do so.
(((hugs)))
It looks like there are quite a few of us like you!
I used to have a bff when DS was first born - but then we moved to the East and she's not too keen on long-distance friendships. It took me a really long time to get it. I used to make all the effort and slowly realized that's just not what she wanted. Oh well. (it hurt like hell...) I also have a SIL that I get along really well, but she's in CA as well and it's just not the same.
I can totally related to what you are feeling.
I have a couple of girlfriends that I would consider BFFs.
All of them are from high school. One has a little boy a year older than DS and we have similar child-raising views.
My other two close girlfriends are still single. They love Carter, but it's hard because I don't feel like they truely understand the extra responsibilities of being a parent.
My best friend is a college friend of mine and yes, I can call her day and night. I feel lucky, although, I probably only see her 5-6 times a year. We talk often. Other than that, I do have friends from high school, college and work. However, I wouldn't consider them best friends. Things do change alot when you get older. I met a couple of women at the story time at the library in my town and we are now getting together on Fridays. It's fun and we all get along well. So, I am having fun making some new friends too. It is harder to find people that you click with though.
Yes, I do have a best friend. She lives in NYC. We are very, very close and have no secrets. We would do anything for each other. In fact, last week she got her car towed and impounded in the city for having an expired registration and I raced to the DMV, paid her fines ($150!!) and overnighted her registration to her, no complaints (ok, a little bit of ribbing). Even though she is in NYC and I am in NC, we still text and IM all day long, every teeny detail of our day. She just sent me an IM that said, 'I am eating my lunch.'. Thanks for sharing love. :-) We are definately in different places. She lives an exciting single life in NYC and I am married with a child, although we both work in high-tech so we have lots to talk about, both personally and professionally.
I'm sorry you don't have someone. I think you're going to have to make the effort if you want to be close to this group of girls and ask them to do something. Something is sending a signal to them that you're not interested.
I have to say I'm very lucky...I have quite a few friends I can think of to do all the things you mentioned. One is a friend I grew up with, we've been friends since 7th grade. We remained friends through college (me in Iowa, her at Purdue), her living in Seattle for 3 years with me still in Chicago.
Another friend (MOH in my wedding) I met while studying abroad in Sydney, in 2001. She was from Ohio, but attending college in Pennsylvania. We remained friends through going back to our respective colleges, her moving to Boston after graduation and eventually moving to Chicago and being my roommate for a year!! One of my other great friends is actually a friend that my Sydney friend grew up with.
My final friend that I could do this with is the girlfriend of 3 years of one of my DH's best friends.
We could also call one of my DH's friends...I call him my surrogate husband LOL, and he's just as much my friend as DH's. They went to high school together and have remained great friends.
I have some friends from college and others from high school that I could do the calling in the middle of the night thing, but wouldn't ask them to pick up my toddler...partly because they don't live right in my area and they all work during the day
But overall, my DH and I continue to work to cultivate our friendships. They are super important to us...I still have brunch with my girlfriends almost every week.. I am very lucky that my high school friend is also now friends with my Sydney friend and her home friend, as well as the girlfriend (LOL at the terms and not using names). One of my SIL's is a great friend too, and has been out with my friends as well...I never realized how lucky I am!!
Oh, and not to make my post ANY longer, but to answer your question...after I had the baby, I made the effort to show my friends that I wasn't changing...sure I don't go out every weekend anymore, but we're all hitting 30 and they don't anymore either LOL. But I felt I needed to prove to them that I wasn't going to become "just a mom" and I felt that was my responsibility in the beginning. And our relationships didn't change much. Are you close enough to one of the girls in that running group to ask why no one called you? I'd bet the answer is that they just didn't think you'd come, which sucks
I'm so sorry you're going through this!