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I MISS this board! And I need marriage advice
I feel so badly that i haven't been on since I moved to Houston. It's hot as hell here. Hotlanta my arse! But it's nice. The people are super friendly and the drivers are better but I really do miss my friends in Atlanta, the board and all of the adorable babies and the trees. I think Houston has a lot to offer for us though.
Audrey and Ethan are in their 4th week of ISR swimming lessons and they're doing so great. Learning to swim has been such a quick progression and though I wouldn't let them out of my sight around water I think they could now both survive an accidental fall in the water. Audrey has also started taking gymnastics which she totally loves. I'm surprised by how into it she is but she really loves challenging herself physically, both with the swimming and gymnastics. Ethan is growing like crazy and eats like nothing I've ever seen. He's funny and rowdy and the opposite of his sister. The second time around has been a fantastic journey and I can honestly say I'm now enjoying every minute being home with my kids. Anyway, there's my update.
Now, onto the marriage thing. We're having some serious problems. I knew this going into my marriage but I thought we could grow and learn together. My Dad was very critical of me and really beat me down. I needed a spouse that could help lift me back up but I've ended up with my Dad. I want for us to work. I honestly can't imagine ever being apart from him and I want to figure out how to have a happy life together. We've talked and talked and talked and we don't ever seem to get anywhere. So, now I need help. I know that he doesn't want me to feel stupid or inferior. It's just his way of talking to people. It's condescending to me. And I know that I'm not the only one. My friends see it, my Mom sees it, everyone that we used to work with together had the same issue with him. But I can't get him to see it. He just says I can't accept feedback and it's a character flaw of mine. His Dad was very critical of him and his Mom is very critical. All of my sisters-in-law agree that his parents are critical and not supportive, but he doesn't seem to think that's the case at all. I don't know. I'm rambling now. But if anyone has any recommendations for books we can read together, I'd really appreciate it.
And now that I've got my PC hooked up, I'll be around more! And maybe, just maybe I'll eventually change my siggy pic. Halloween was, what, EIGHT months ago!?! LOL
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I MISS this board! And I need marriage advice
Sooooooooooo good to hear from you Kim! It sounds like TX is suiting you well! The kids are happy and you are doing great as a mommy!
Re your marriage: have you considered some counseling? Would your DH be up for doing that? Sounds like you both need someone to vent to and learn how to better communicate.
Again, good to hear from you and hope to hear more from you and see how your kiddies have grown!
Hi Kenzi! I have to say that every time I see your siggy pic it makes me giggle. Your DH looks like he's such a sweet Daddy and Miss Millie is getting soooooo big!!
I forgot to say in my rambling post that we both want very much to have a happy marriage and when I suggested counseling, he was all over it. We're looking into it now and will probably travel to Dallas for a while to see someone that was highly recommended. Until we start that though, I just something to read. Actually, we both want something to read.
I am on overnights so that is why I am posting at this ungodly hour! Thanks for the compliments about Millie! She has been away at her grandparents all week and I go pick her up tomorrow. I can't wait!
Oh, that is so good that you both are up for some counseling! I think it could do us all some good when it comes to communication and other things. I don't have any suggestions on what to read but it sounds like you and your DH are both on same page to making things work. Keep us posted on how you guys are doing!
Kim you are such a strong woman I hope you know that. You have two beautiful children and deserve to be happy.
A couple of things that I can suggest based on my personal situation are: yes definitely go to counseling. I say go as a couple but also go for you too maybe separately. Dave and I have gone now on two different occassions and it seems to have helped us drastically. Nothing is ever perfect so just realize and understand that. Second you need need need to do something for just you. Tell him that. Whether it is going for a walk alone, shopping, a movie, to the gym, a makeover, spa, out with some girlfriends but do something. It will help you too. The other thing you might want to do is have day or night dates with your hubby too without the kiddos so you can continue to work on things.
After having kids your whole life changes and it can be so hard to adjust. I feel sometimes like I have one agenda and Dave has another we never seem to be on the same page and I end up resenting him. Of course we both can do things to better the relationship.
Hang in there girlie and have a terrific fourth!!
Hi Kim,
Good to hear from you. Houston summers can be brutal!
I agree with the pp, try to see if your husband will go to marriage counseling. Maybe having someone outside the family talk to him will help him see that he is being critical.
Good luck.
I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how things are going!
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Have you guys found a place yet? I'm so happy the kids are doing well. I totally agree with Kiersten about counseling. It sounds encouraging that S is willing to go. Keep your head up and know that we all miss you very much. It's so good to see you on here again!?
I was just thinking about you this morning and was going to page you to say hi. ? I'm glad you are all settling in to your new home. ?I read Shahed's blog post about your new home in Katy the other day. ??
Great for Audrey and Ethan on the swimming. ?Ethan is so amazing and ahead of the curve. ? Actually they both are!
I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. ? Ditto, counseling. ? It was good for me reading the replies because my DH and I are in a bit of a rut with communication too. ? We just seem to annoy each other a lot. ? Just last night we talked about how annoyed we both seem lately. ?
It's hard when its someone's personality to expect any change. ?I think my DH is a little too laid back and that is where we have problems. ? He is so laid back that he is practically only half listening to me most of the time. ? He says he will work on it, but its 37 years of this behavior. ?He would have to make a concerted effort to change it and being as laid back as he is, he barely makes a concerted effort to remember to take out the trash. ?I don't foresee him actually changing. ?Shame on me for feeling that way though.?
Sorry, not meaning to hijack your post. ? I just meant to say that I think we all go through it. ? What I tell Nico (a lot) is that he's the only person I ever met that drove me nuts and I didn't want to walk away. ? I walked away from a lot of boyfriends before him that I couldn't take their sh!t. ?I knew before I married him that he drove me nuts with his crap. ?But I love him anyway and I can't imagine my life without him. ? ?Is it bad that I think love is not wanting to walk away from the all the crap? ?LOL.
Good luck. ? I miss you guys. ? I am glad to hear from you. ?
HI!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you hear us talking about you at a GTG the other week?
Someone asked if anyone had heard from you...and here you are. Perfect!
So glad to hear you all are settling in in Texas, but so sorry to hear about the marital woes. I don't have a ton of time at the moment but I'll think about books to recommend. In the meantime: how about individual and/or couples' therapy? DH and I have been doing couples' therapy for a few months now and it really helps to have an objective 3rd party listen to us bicker, and offer insights and suggestions as to how we can get out of whatever rut we've gotten ourselves into lately. Seriously, even just you going by yourself could help you achieve some insight into how to help your DH speak to you in a way that doesn't bring up those feelings that remind you of your r'ship with your dad. (I hear you there!) HTH for now; so nice to hear from you and hope you post more often now!
Kim, the fact that he agreed to do counselling is awesome. A lot of men wouldn't do it. I am glad you to are talking about the issue as well. I think you guys are beautiful and I know he knows that he has a friggin great woman, wife, mother to his children. Hopefully the counselling will help him to realize that his condensending tones are hurtful.
I am so exciting for Audrey and Ethan. I miss you guys. I know Nkosi would love to see Ethan now.
How about the books "Captivating" and "Wild at Heart"? John and Stasi Eldredge do a fantastic job of teaching what men and women's true heart desires are. It really helped my husband and I to see what was at the core of our marriage issues and to look beyond the crisis of the moment. HTH!
First of all glad DH is open to counseling. Being married is NOT easy. I don't think as individuals we fully change once we reach maturity. I think we can try to alter our "faults" or be kinder to others, but its hard to break lifelong habits and tendencies. When I was going through some stuff years ago, the best advice I got was .....think about the situation....can you change it, if so what do you need to do to change it? If you can't change it, you have to think of a way to deal with it or live with it, otherwise you can become a bitter victim. That being said, if DH can't change his ways, its up to you in how you react.
I think some things to help would be do something for yourself every week at a minimum. I did a bootcamp 3 days a week this spring, it was awesome. Those stupid exercise endorphins really do make you feel good about yourself, and this is coming from a lazy person who is constantly fighting off depression....well it seems like I have been since my mom and sister died when I was 20. I dropped down to only once a week with the boot camp group on Sat mornings and its AWESOME. Its MY time. I try to exercise during the week alone, not always successful as I am lazy, but the weekend session gets me out with other adults doing something good for myself. Its time away from everyone and I love it. I ususally treat myself on the way home with a decaf iced coffee with cream and splenda - hey don't want to blow my calories. :-) As a bonus, I am wearing some shorts and capris I had when I met Andy 10 years ago. Sure I still have some inches to lose to feel good about myself.
I will also be working this fall 2 days a week at SC's preschool as an assistant teacher. I think just working even though I will be making diddly will help me feel like I am contributing to our house - even though raising the child is invaluable. That has been bothering me and I think it will be great as it fits right into our schedule and I will be at SC's school.
You have been through ALOT with DH lately, that remodel and move holy cow! That would totally test any marriage and would probably break many. Plus you deal alot with you in-laws.
Anyhoo I think the counseling will help you communicate and for S to maybe hear how his behavior is affecting you. Will he be able to change completely, I doubt it but I think he will probably become more sensitive and you will better learn how to communicate or just deal with it.
You are an awesome mom and lady. Miss you so much.
Hi Kim!!! We miss you, too! I miss Audrey-isms, so please stick around and share.
Glad to hear that the kids are doing so well and that Houston is good (albeit hot). Anyway, I do not have much advice since everyone else gave you such great advice, but like everyone else I think counseling would be great and would help with communication which siunds like the major source of the problem. It might really help S learn how to listen to you and how to talk to you without being so critical. It sounds like he just doesn't know how to change his behavior. I've never been to marriage counseling, but I have been to therapy for myself and found it extremely help to have that outlet. I know it might be hard to go by yourself since you have the kids, but if there's anyway you could it might be helpful even if it's on a limited basis. Just a thought. Of course we are always here for you to vent! Miss you!
Sam
Ditto this. I also recommend Loving Solutions and The Five Love Languages both are by Gary Chapman. Best of luck to you.
My Sister lives in Houston, and I was shocked to find out the temp hit 101 yesterday! Stay cool.