Sharing work with DH - issues
ArcticFox
member
I stop by this board every so often.. I've read some of the posts (including some recent ones about resenting one's DH). And I do have some issues where I feel resentment about DH not watching DD enough.
My issues are a little different than some of the current posts.. I would love any input or sharing of advice on some issues...
- I do all the housework, cleaning, laundry - DH never has to scrub a toilet, vacuum, or anything. I also cook 99% of the meals and do 95% of the grocery shopping (as well as most chores). Which is fine - I would rather DH come home and he can spend time with me and DD instead of doing chores. BUT... I think I'm going to lose my mind. He never has any dinner ideas, he's always running to answer his cell, and he's late a lot because he goes and does hobbies. What is the cutoff on that? I mean I think at this point I'm going to have to divide up days of the week - like we each get 2 evenings where we watch DD while the other person does their own thing, and then we share a day (of going to the park or whatever).
- I feel frazzled because DH gets home and even though then he watches DD if he has time, I'm slaving over dinner prep (for all 3 of us, which means I cook our meal and prep DD's meal), and then I do all the cleanup.
- DH manages to make the time for stuff like even signing up to be a treasurer of a club, yet DD's swingset has been broken for 2 months. Should I be seriously p*ssed (I am)?
- On weekends, DH is so tired from going on club hikes etc. that he sleeps in, and sleeps when DD takes her naps (which is like 3 hours per day). We seriously have no "us" time because DH scarfs down lunch and then crashes. And this is a serious issue b/c I am preg and exhausted and really just sick and tired of everything so I certainly am not feeling like fooling around - ever. I mean there is no time where I feel sufficiently relaxed or in the mood, because I never have a break.
- Then - the garage is trashed, DH's office is trashed, he throws his laundry all over the bedroom floor.. I want to rip my hair out because I want him to watch DD but I also don't want to spend that time crawling around on my hands and knees picking laundry off the floor or cleaning his office (which in 2 months needs to be 100% cleaned out for guests).
Sorry I kind of rambled.. hoping some of you can relate.. what do I do? Like "make" him clean up all weekend or something? Because I'm getting seriously furious.
Re: Sharing work with DH - issues
IMO:
First of all.... YOU ARE PREGNANT! (BTW congrats) He needs to be picking up A LOT of the slack here! Even if that means not going hiking or whatever it is that he's doing. I think in your case it would be really helpful to make a list and ask that he does those things weekly, explain to him that one, you're exhausted and two even though your a SAHM he's still a husband and a father, he shares responsibility here. The best thing you can do it talk, without the tv and without other distractions. Ask him if you make a list if he'll go get the groceries, and if you make dinner if he wouldn't mind throwing all the dishes in the dishwasher. Ask him to take the trash out when it's full (no matter who notices it first). Tell him you're stressed and want to take a nap, can you please watch the LO? I don't know if this is with your case, but men sometimes just don't notice. And asking (to me) sometimes feels like I'm nagging. But I know if I don't ask, he won't notice to do it. And secondly, when he does do something, praise him! I know it's frustrating to do when you might not get praise for all the things you do, but he will never want to help again if he's thinking you either didn't notice or didn't care.
Communication...
And good luck!
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am amazed (and jealous) that you are able to get so much done.
As for you're original question... I can relate to feeling frazzled and overworked. Luckily my DH is very good about helping out, but I still do the bulk of the work around here.
I've found that a lot of times all that I have to do is ask him nicely if he "would" (not "could") do specific things. Then I'm always sure to acknowledge it with a genuine Thank You. He thrives on positive reinforcement.
There are a lot of things that DH simply doesn't even notice or see that need to get done, unless I point them out to him. But now that he knows what to look for he is getting better at taking the initiative. Also I know sometimes he won't do things because he doesn't know "how" I do them, and is afraid he'll mess up.
Lastly, maybe it would help if you leave for a day and don't take you DD with you. Tell him what time you'll be home and sweetly ask him to have dinner ready and finish the laundry. At least he'd get a feel for how hard it is.
I can't realte to exactly your situation but I will tell you a little about what we do.
First of all no one gets to just take off for their hobbies in the evening, yk? We discuss it together first, and balance thigns for the family. Typically we each get one, maybe 2 "free" nights a week to go do whatever hobby thing (brewing beer for DH and knitting group for me). The rest of the nights we tag team the household needs and DS's needs.
Second, DH is a total slob. So the only reason our house is some semblance of tidy is because I stay on top of him about it. As soon as I notice the garage has filled up with crap again I ask him to clean it out. Sometimes he has an excuse- something else he wants to do isntead. Typically we negotiate that it will be cleaned by the end of the weekend, for example, and then I remind him periodically that he committed to finishing it by x time.
We negotiate sleep too- it isn't fair for one person to sleep in all the time. We usually go every other day.
The biggest thing, I think, is that you have to tell you DH how you feel and negotiate both your expectations. Of course he will be resistant to losing free time. Who wouldn't be? But if he is a sane reasonable person who loves you, then he will want to be fair to both your needs and his.
I agree .... Communication is the key. I also agree ... men just don't see the same things we do and their "priorities" in the house are not the same as ours.
I've had partners in the past that were useless. However, somehow I won the lottery with my current husband. He does he laundry everyday. First thing out of bed he's in the laundry room folding what's in the dryer, rotating from washer to drryer and starting a new load. I haven't done laundry in over a month and can't even remember when before that.
When I am exhausted, tired, irritable, he will also help with the cleaning of the kitchen. He will cook if I can't think of anything to cook or don't feel like it.
He gets this trait from having to do things that his first wife didn't do. They were married 13 years and for the most part she was a SAHM but she wasn't so good at being domestic all the time. When she left him the first time, he did what he had to do to take care of the kids ... laundry and kitchen. Fortunately for me it stuck.
If your's is resistant to change and doesn't want to willingly help, you could stop washing his clothes, stop cooking for him, cleaning up after him specifically. It sounds mean and petty, but it will make a huge statement to him. He should be assured that you love him but you really need his help. The marriage is a two-way street as is helping and spending time with the LO.
GL with everything!