stepchild does not like you?
shari_rngleson
member
hi ladies...
i need advice. I have been in my stepdaughter's life since she was 7 (she is 12 now). i would do absolutely anything for her...and i feel like i have over the years. i drive her to many activities, friends houses, have sleepovers parties at our house for her, i even asked her (instead of my own father) to walk me down the isle when i married her dad 1.5 yrs ago.
anyway, we now have a 6 month old daughter too and we have tried to include her in everything. just when i think everything is going right, i swear her mom brainwashes her to not like me. i always just brush it out and hope my true colors show through but i feel like she is becoming more and more distant. the only time she texts me back is when i have hand-me-down juicy couture or abercrombie clothes for her or she want something.
any advice, i desperately want a good relationship with her but she is sooo loyal to her mother and feel like i dont have a chance!
Re: stepchild does not like you?
I think it's great you want her to like you. I remember being a teenage girl, and even though I now consider my mom my best friend, I was distant and moody most of the time.
You said you include her in stuff, which is great. Do you also get to do things with her, just you and her? (I know it is hard to find time!) Like shopping? Or something she'd like? I remember my mom going to coffeeshops with me at night sometimes to hear friends from school play. Stuff like that might help you bond more than just family time with DH & baby.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things - stay involved and be there for SD. If she doesn't (and she probably won't) see it now, she will appreciate it when she's older.
I can relate - SD is very close to her mom and it bothers her mom that SD and I get along well. I do feel that SD holds back with me sometimes, mostly because she doesn't want to make her mom upset.
Hang in there - and just know your being a fabulous SM!
I honestly think she's acting like a normal kid/teenager. Like the others said, continue as you are.
My only two cautions are:
1. Do not make this out to be about her mother. This is between you and your SD. Do not even bring her mom or accuse her of brainwashing her to hat eyou. Even if there is legitimate proven reason for you to think she is meddling, pick your battles because mom will always win out. Focus on your relationship leave others out of the issues you may have - big or small.
2. One of the biggest mistakes I think parents make the mistake of doing is trying to be best buds with their kids. You can't be friends and a disciplinarian. And if you are, you are always trying to find that difficult middle ground. Right now at this age, you need to be a parent. Not a girlfriend or buddy. That does not mean you can't have a good time of be friendly - it just means being a parental figure is first and foremost. You can become good buds later, when she's an adult and matures and is capable of relating to another adult. It's okay not to be her friend. She needs you to be the steady eddy and love her regardless no matter how bad her behavior toward you because when the time comes, it will be worth the wait and patience you will probably have to show for possibly 6-8 years to come.
My SD is 19. Hates me on minute. Loves me the next. I was disowned and hated 2 months ago. Now she misses me and her dad and loves us to death. Go figure. I don't bother to try and understand it and just enjoy the good times when I have them, and ride the storm out patiently and maturely until the nice side of her shows herself again. Ever since I figured that out...(which was very recently)...life is so much less stressful. And my daughter has a personality disorder. Feel lucky you don't have that to contend with!
I feel for you, I am in the same boat, and just recently posted about my situation, but I saw your post and knew I had to respond. I agree with PPs, in that you should continue to do what you are doing. My situation is slightly more difficult bc SD and I are on opposite sides of the country, and so visits are few and far between. I also agree that this needs to be between you and SD, do not include BM at all. (I have learned this the hard way.)
All you can do is your best, and hope that one day your SD will come to understand how much you do truly care about her.