How to politely tell Mom to suck it?

thailajo · July 2009

I am home visiting my family for a week, and instead of relaxing, I have now started obsessing over the fact that my mother is going to be there immediately after the baby is born. She is extremely overbearing but gets her feelings hurt very easily at the same time.

Ex: This week she asked me for the 10th time "is baby moving around today?" just to "make sure" that I know that if baby isn't moving I should let someone know. Also she told me that I should have a phone on me at all times when I am home alone... "just in case"...

I know DH is already concerned because until last week he had never even held a newborn baby... Now I'm starting to panic because I can just see one of us doing something that she thinks is wrong and correcting us....or her seeing DH and then coming to me and saying "you know you really should tell him to...yadda yadda"

I don't know how to prevent this from happening. I've already told her she can only stay 5 days after the baby is born, and then she has to go home, that she cannot come into labor and delivery with me etc. She thinks I will change my mind about all this, but I won't. She drives me crazy when I DO know what I'm doing, I can't imagine having her think she needs to "teach" me how to be a mom.

Because I know I can't say to her "Mom, when you come you need to keep your comments to yourself" without her getting hurt... this is really stressful!

kaylenpar1 · July 2009

Don't be afraid to put your foot down- and start as soon as possible. This is your baby, and if she's stressing you out already, you don't want any more on top of a newborn and sleep deprivation- that's when most blow-ups occur and things are said that can't be taken back. Try to politely tell her- if she doesn't get it, then say it more bluntly. She may get her feelings hurt, but she'll more than likely pout and then move on.

rommelea · July 2009

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's how I feel about the situation so I'm going to say it... It may very well be stressful right now to say something like "Mom you're going to have to shut up and let me and DH do our own thing/learn on our own when the baby is here"... but not saying it will lead to an even more stressful situation. Right now you don't have a screaming baby to deal with while you have the conversation, if you put it off - you will. Either way, you need to let her know how you feel because if you don't you'll be the one to pay for it. GL!!!

lkich · July 2009

Try to tell her that you want to learn your own way to do things, just like she did. Let her know the books etc you are reading to prepare and let her know that if you want advice you will ask for it but to please not offer it until then.

niracess27 · July 2009

We are in the same situation only BOTH our mothers are like that and they will both be in town.

DH and I are kinda worried about it. Our mothers have a hard time getting along, it's a good thing our Dad's will be here too to maintain the peace. I have elected one of my aunts who knows how my mom is to help us out with her.

jjwheat1007 · July 2009

I know that she's your mom and you love her and that you want to be polite, but at the same time, this is your baby, your DH, and your family. It's best to be honest and tell her to suck it. She's a big girl and has gone through enough things in her life that she should know by now to mind her own business when someone tells her to, even if it's her own daughter! Good luck - don't give in. You need to do and say what's in your heart.

musicamh · July 2009

Boy do I understand!! However you are now the mother. If you are on edge, uncomfortable, and stressed so will your baby. You are going to have to start making really tough decisions and it will never stop. As silly as this may sound, I actually came up with rules for L&D and afterwards and sent her a copy. I then went over each of them so that she could understand why I was saying each of them. Of course she thought some of them were ridiculous (and honestly some of them were lol so I modified them slightly) but on the same token it made my expectations clear and DH has full authority to enforce them!! Your mom may be hurt but I promise she will eventually get over it. Did her mom stay with her. Remind her of how self conscious she was about having the ever watchful eye. If she didn't have her mother remind her that she had the freedom to make mistakes without criticism. Hopefully she'll understand. If not she'll get over it the moment she lays eyes on your LO!

afg · July 2009

Well, I think it's either, her feelings get hurt or you and your husband are driven crazy by her.

I'd just say to her "Mom, I appreciate your help, but you have to let me and H take care of our LO. Some of your comments are hurtful" or whatever....

thailajo · July 2009

musicamh:
Boy do I understand!! However you are now the mother. If you are on edge, uncomfortable, and stressed so will your baby. You are going to have to start making really tough decisions and it will never stop. As silly as this may sound, I actually came up with rules for L&D and afterwards and sent her a copy. I then went over each of them so that she could understand why I was saying each of them. Of course she thought some of them were ridiculous (and honestly some of them were lol so I modified them slightly) but on the same token it made my expectations clear and DH has full authority to enforce them!! Your mom may be hurt but I promise she will eventually get over it. Did her mom stay with her. Remind her of how self conscious she was about having the ever watchful eye. If she didn't have her mother remind her that she had the freedom to make mistakes without criticism. Hopefully she'll understand. If not she'll get over it the moment she lays eyes on your LO!

Can I get a copy of these rules?..lol

lasirene · July 2009

Is there any possibility of you and DH taking an infant care class through the hospital? We did this a few weeks ago (2 Saturdays 3h. each) and this really helped both of us gain some confidence and knowledge. If you guys are lacking confidence, I can see it being harder to ask your mom to step aside--but if you have your own arsenal of tricks and books (we got lots of good handouts and other info at our classes) you will most likely feel better about asserting yourselves.

NavyPilotWife · July 2009

I know what you mean. My mom loves to dish out advice, most of which I either already know or is completely irrelevant. She's over emotional as well, so she can't take any form of criticism. I can only stand her for about two days, but since I'm her only child and this is the first grandchild, I told her she could stay for a week and a half. She has an 8 hour drive, so I figure she can come up after we've been home for a day or two.

Good luck with your mom!

sweetfern · July 2009

I already laid down the law for my MIL and Dad as to when they can come up. My mom isn't invited to stay, so that isn't a problem. We just told them that we want a few days to ourselves first mostly to avoid any "you should do it this way stuff" so we have time to adjust on our own. We also live a good distance from everyone, so that helps. I think most of our family respects our wishes. I think you just have to be firm, yet nice about. Tell her you need to figure it out for yourself, if you need help/advice, you'll ask.

mediadiva · July 2009

You have the best excuse in the world, hormonal and pregnant. Yell at her if you have to, she will get over it. Do not allow her to come between you and DH bonding as a family and learning together. overbearing is BAD. My mom actually suggested to me we don't have anyone over the first week (with DD anyway, #1). She had to be there anyway, but left me alone and was only there a few days. I was happy when it was me and DH. We had to learn together and bond in how we delt with things. I see so many women not let the husbands/men do stuff with the baby, and it doesn't allow the men to build confidence. My DH is so great with DD< I really had to make myself leave the house sometimes and let him be alone with her, those times he was alone with her i could see his confidence grow and he figuerd things out on his own. Also remember what works for your MOM may not work for YOU, what works for YOU may not work for DH. Meaning how to get the baby to cry, to sleep etc. baby's react different to different people.

musicamh · July 2009

thailajo:

musicamh:
Boy do I understand!! However you are now the mother. If you are on edge, uncomfortable, and stressed so will your baby. You are going to have to start making really tough decisions and it will never stop. As silly as this may sound, I actually came up with rules for L&D and afterwards and sent her a copy. I then went over each of them so that she could understand why I was saying each of them. Of course she thought some of them were ridiculous (and honestly some of them were lol so I modified them slightly) but on the same token it made my expectations clear and DH has full authority to enforce them!! Your mom may be hurt but I promise she will eventually get over it. Did her mom stay with her. Remind her of how self conscious she was about having the ever watchful eye. If she didn't have her mother remind her that she had the freedom to make mistakes without criticism. Hopefully she'll understand. If not she'll get over it the moment she lays eyes on your LO!

Can I get a copy of these rules?..lol

sure lol i'll have to type them up i'll post them later on. I'm still kind of new to this whole message board thing but i'll see if it works!!

musicamh · July 2009

Labor and Delivery Rules

1. No one Is allowed in other than_________

2. If I ask anyone to leave please respect my wishes and do so quickly

3. No comments about what you did or heard and how you did it better they will only be stressful

4. Please leave during vaginal exams ALL except DH

5. Please leave for 3^rd stage of Labor ?birth of placenta?

6. No one below 50 yard line PERIOD this is cause for immediate expulsion from room

7. After the delivery there will be family time only of DH, Me, and Baby ONLY

8. We will accept visitors in the recovery room after a small window of family bonding time ( mentioned above)

9. Please do not hog the baby others would like to hold her

10. No one is allowed to kiss or place their face in the babies face period

a. You aren?t aware that are sick until it is too late and DH and I will be the people dealing with a sick baby

11. If you are sick you are not allowed to hold the baby PERIOD

12. All other guest will be invited to a meet and greet with the Baby after a few weeks.

13. Advice is just an opinion. If you expect us to follow your advice it is a demand. We will ask for help and we will ask for advice. Otherwise please do not critic me or DH (you can say that this is for others at the hospital as well. So she doesn?t feel singled out)

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