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3rd Trimester
heatherlane
member
I'm a Selfish Brat..(very long...)
heatherlane
member
Sigh...so, I have an invalid grandmother that lives with my parents, and my mom is her primary caregiver. She has lived there since last August when she broke her hip, and it has been a huge emotional roller coaster as she has gone from OK to ICU to OK to sleeping all day to able to walk to unable to feed herself and on and on and on.
My mom is drained...physically, emotionally, mentally...every way a person can be drained. She has three brothers who think they are doing a lot to help her, but can't seem to understand that she has given up all of her freedom and most of her free time to do this. In a nushell, she works as a nurse M-F from about 6AM-noon, and then comes home and takes care of my grandmother all afternoon, evening, and night. Unless she plans way in advance to have the brothers come to give her a weekend off (about once a month), she usually only has about 6-8 hours on Sunday free, and she has to leave home to get any peace of mind.
She tried suggesting to the brothers that they each take a weekend, so that she can have three weekends off a month, and she would be there for one, too. So, she's only asking for their help 48 hours in a month, and they don't want to do this. They want to put her in a nursing home, which my mom just can't bear to do. Part of the problem is that she lets them off too easy. She'll complain to me that they aren't helping enough, but to them she sounds easygoing if they say they can't help.
I'm really scared that this behaviour will continue when her first grandson is born, and at some point she will really resent her mom and/or brothers for missing so much of his early life. It's frustrating, because when I bring it up I feel so selfish, but I'm really just trying to get her to be more firm with her brothers so that when the baby comes, she can call someone up when she wants to come and visit and it won't be a hassle. They all have their grandkids already, and have not given up any events like my mom has.
The selfish part is that my 30th birthday is in a week, and I was hoping to plan a dinner for myself on Sunday since I knew that was the only day my mom has free, and mom just told me that she's going to the lake on Sunday. Obviously, I want her doing what she wants to do on her only day off, but I know I can't plan something for next Tuesday b/c she won't be able to come. It just sucks in general, and the damn hormones are making me cry when normally, I would be really happy that my mom is getting to go to the lake and I would just go along with them!
Arghhh...anyway...a lot of this doesn't make much sense, but I needed to vent. I should get a blog.
Um, yeah. The Bump be too crazy for pics of my kid.
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Re: I'm a Selfish Brat..(very long...)
What about getting her a part time nurse to help on weekends? The brothers can pay for it. If they are willing to put her in a nursing home that costs money, then hopefully they can put some money down for a part time weekend nurse!
If they don't want to give their time, then they should just give their money!
Sorry, about your bday too! Maybe just let your mom know you are a bit bummed but leave it up to her still! I wouldn't give her too much of a quilt trip consider all she does!
My DH and I go over every Wednesday night. For a long time, it was to give her a break, but she started sticking around the house b/c she liked our company. We still go over every Wednesday, and we plan on dinner so mom doesn't have to worry with it, but the further along I get, the less I'm able to do the things I used to do like get my grandmother ready and put her to bed, etc.
Oh, I would definitely not tell her I was upset about the birthday thing! I'm actually really glad that she is going to the lake...I'm more upset that I didn't plan far enough in advance to get someone to come over Tuesday so that we could all go out!
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Can you call her brothers and tell them that she needs some time to herself and explain your concerns to them? It might be awkward, especially if you don't talk to them much. It may also be so unusual that they take notice and take it seriously.
A part-time nurse/sitter is also a good option.
Sorry that you are going through this.
Thanks for everyone's kind words. She does have a nurse, but she's there while my mom is working. There is not enough money in my grandmother's funds to pay for more than that, although I like the idea of my uncles chipping in!
It's not my place to call my uncles...my sister is a little more outspoken than me and when she has tried, all hell breaks loose. They feel defensive and resentful that they are being portrayed as not caring as much.
In any case, we'll just have to wait it out and see what happens once the baby is here. It may change my mom's mind about the nursing home, especially if my grandmother stays in the state she's in now. Part of the problem is that sometimes my grandmother is so weak that it really doesn't matter where she is, but when she's strong enough to eat by herself and walk with a walker, she becomes really adamant about not being in a home.