Blended Families
caitlyn_alexis
member
BF is a piece of sh*t! (long)
caitlyn_alexis
member
I am new to this board, but I'm looking for anyone who knows what I'm going through. A little background: I got pregnant with DD when I was 17 BF was 16. He was not there for me at all! I went through my whole pregnancy/labor without him. My mom & best friend were a major support for me (thank god). He has pretty much been in & out of her life the entire time. She currently spends every other weekend with his mom, and has for quite some time. He also has another D (20 months old) with another girl and has the same relationship with her as well. In fact, his other D is being raised by her maternal grandfather (her mom has some issues). I recently got married and have a 3 mo. old S. On several occassions BF has said he wants to terminate his parental rights. He says he cannot afford the CS or Insurance that he is required by the state to pay. WTF! He only pays $190/mo in child support. That doesn't even cover 1/2 of her expenses and I have never complained once! I am the one that had to work full time & be a full time mother, going without things for myself in order to make sure my DD was taken care of! What has he done?! Don't get me wrong I don't regret my daughter one bit. She is my life. Now I have the perfect life with my DH, DD, & DS. Out of the blue the other day BF called up and said, again, that he wants to sign over his rights. This time, though, he sounds serious. He said he is also signing rights over for his other DD too. He doesn't even want DD to call him. He said he needs to move on with his life. How can he just walk away from her now?! She is almost 6 years old! It's going to break her heart. She loves him so much, and wants to spend time with him. On one hand, I think he should sign over rights and let my DH adopt her since BF is not an active father, but on the other hand she would be crushed. How could I tell her your father doesn't want anything to do with you? I don't know what to do. Any suggestions? TIA
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BF is a piece of sh*t! (long)
When will people understand. In most states, when you terminate your parental rights, it doesn't terminate the child support obligations!!! He's ordered to provide support until the court orders otherwise, and they won't make such an order simply because he's filing a notice of terminating parental rights.
It sounds like he doesn't have much of a relationship with her anyway. He's an absolute putz but your DD doesn't need to know that at her age. She'll figure it out.
On the one hand, the courts won't let him simply sign away his parental rights merely to get out of a child support obligation. What a wad he is and a load of crap that is. Signing over his parental rights will merely grant you the right to make all decisions and means he will have absolutely none. He *can* sign over his parental rights and negate the child support obligation if your DH is willing to adopt, as part of the adoption process. That (adoption by SF) will negate his child support obligations.
It's said three ways from Sunday, child support and visitation/parenting are two completely different animals. The court won't let him simply sign away his child support obligations by signing away his child. It's not in the best interest of your DD. It also creates a higher risk of the state becoming financially responsible in some manner. They won't simply do it because he wants to terminate his relationship with her. Sheesh.
On to point two...I assume DD has little to no relationship with her BF and more of a paternal/child bond with her SF. How long has he been in her life? What is his relationship with her, and hers with him? If he's willing to adopt, the court will look favorably on it. However, you will have some issues with DD if she's got a current/starry-eyed, daddy's-my-hero type relationship. If he doesn't see her so much, she'll grow out of it and begin to see him for the dipwad he is, and will appreciate your DH all the more for being a good father to her. That, I think, is when you'll want to be more open to discussing an adoption by SF, when she realizes he's more of a father than her BF has been. Right now, she's still young enough to "appreciate" having a daddy, especially a "good time" daddy, and right now she's still learning and understanding familial relationships. (I have a five-year-old living with me, her sister lives with her mother and her brother was adopted. She's been asking about her dad lately (thanks to her mom for bringing that up, and in a horribly jarring manner) and creating imaginary friends/family members.
Until you know what you want to do (talk with DH, see what he says about BF terminating his rights and SF adopting her) don't burden her with the knowledge that her dad is a load. When she hasn't seen her dad, views SF as her father, that's when you want to start talking about SF adopting her. (Or you can let her bring up the subject when she's ready.)
Until that time, gnash your teeth, tell him he's full of crap if he thinks termianting his parental rights means he's no longer on the hook for child support and hope he grows up someday and realizes what he's missing and what your DD wants from him. But don't tell your DD about any of this, not until there's more of a foundation as to what's going to happen, rather than simply her BF being a toad because he doesn't have enough in his "party" fund.
BM has not been part of my stepdaughter's lives for a year and 7 months, and we doubt we will ever see or hear from her again.
My girls are 4, 7, and 8 right now.
Its hard to accept and its going to break her heart and be prepared for some acting out and lots of tears, but this is probably for the best. If he is a deadbeat, that isn't going to change and the older DD gets the harder it will be for her to accept the loss of a parent. Our counselor is amazing and has said a number of times that this age group rebounds way faster from losing a parent in divorce/custody/death situations than those ages 11-17.
I wouldn't push for an adoption right away. Give her time to heal and come to terms with your DH being her new father figure. She will get there. If you need any suggestions, help or need to vent-add me to your friends and I will be here. We went through hell for 2 years and things are good here now. The girls are happy and healthy and 2 of the 3 of them don't want to have contact with their BM ever again. The 3rd said she wants to see her but never go back to live with her or stay with her again.
Kids are resilient. Pain is inevitable but with love and support from you and your DH, your DD will be ok. Let it happen-if he is going to ditch on her now, he will still do it and you can't force a relationship.
GL.
One simple sentence.
You can't force him to be the parent that he doesn't want to be.
All you can do is be the best support you can be to your DD. It's hard to explain to her now, but later on, she will realize and understand.
Im sorry that your DD has to go thru this. GL
RSVP Date: 2/28/2011
Dude, he's a douche. You've had six long ass years to accept this and figure out how to explain it to your daughter. I've sort of been there so you just have to tell her quite simply. Personally, I think you are more upset than your daughter will be and you need to put your own feelings on the backburner. Please explain to me how a little girl adores a man she sees twice a month? I think you are more hurt than your daughter will be and you're projecting how you would feel as a 23 year old woman onto your daughter.
"Honey, I was talking to your dad the other day and he feels bad that he isn't able to see you and be the kind of daddy he knows you need." (yes, lie like a cheap ass rug and put a smile on it while you're are it.) "He loves you very much and he wants you to have an awesome daddy who will love you and spend time with you the way he should. So daddy has asked (DH) to be your daddy. Won't that be cool? Daddy will always love you, honey and he wants what's best for you. . . . Don't worry. You'll still see grandma and he'll still be your daddy but now you'll have two daddies."
Or something like that.
Click me, click me!
Oh and before you do any of this, you need to talk to a lawyer and get all this in writing. What BPO said is mostly true but in many states, if your DH is going to adopt the child, the courts will consider terminating rights and granting the adoption, with the BF not having to pay child support.
But I wouldn't talk to your daughter about this until you know for absolute certain that the termination and adoption will be approved.
Click me, click me!
I think all of the advice the other ladies gave you was great, just wanted to say that I know what you are going through, our family is going through the same thing, bf has decided he isn't paying anymore, doesn't want any contact, and wants to sign over his rights asap. I stopped responding to him (unless he tried to contact ds which he doesn't, it's only to ask me when he can terminate his rights), we will probably go forward with the process but not yet, ds still remembers daddy as being "fun daddy who takes him to a fun places buys him stuff and than leaves" now they have no contact, ds doesn't really ask about him and in a year or two we will move forward with the termination and adoption process. When he does talk about him all we say is how much he loves him.
I think Hindsight gave great advice on how to tell dd and my ds. Thanks Hindsight, I wasn't really sure how to approach the subject when the time came.
We are in a similar situation. BM has little to no contact with SS... I have been his 'mom' for the past 5 years as BM contacts him when she pleases and will see him maybe once a year.
SS is 9 and the longer it goes on, the harder it is on him. While he is learning that BM is a douche, its still Mom and he still wants to see her.
That being said... if she would just go way, stop all contact with him (she doesn?t have any rights to make decisions about him anyways) then SS could essentially move on and I could finally adopt him.
I don't know how a parent can simply walk away from a child, but if BF is willing to let her go and let her get on with her life, I would take it. She is going to be miserable for a time, but in the long run it should be better for her. As many others have sad she doesn?t seem to have that much a relationship with him now so it may be the best time to just let him go.