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We gave BM an ultimatum last night

taagenttaagent member
in Blended Families

DH and I went over to the house and had a chat with BM.  She keeps asking DH how long it will take before SD will be able to be around the other girl so here is what we layed out.

1.  The other child needs to see a therapist to determine whether she has adolescent bipolar disorder which we all think she may have and  have her ADHD meds adjusted if she really has that and she needs to take them every day.  We want PROOF that this is happening, something from the doctor that shows they attended.

2.  If she goes along with this then we are asking for full custody (during the week), we will be able to enroll SD at the school down the street from us and BM will have visitation on weekends.  As long as the other girl is seeing the therapist and doing whatever they recommend (ie meds or whatever) SD can spend time with the other girl on the weekends.  For now the weekend is Friday evening until Sunday 5pm.

3.  If things continue to go smoothly, as we hope, the weekend will be extended so that BM can drop off SD at school on Monday.  At christmas and spring break SD will get to spend one full week at BM's with the other child present.

4.  If SD feels comfortable and safe, and the other girl is receiving therapy and taking meds (if prescribed) we will consider going back to 50/50 next summer.

5.  If the other child doesn't go to therapy/ stops taking meds, we will NOT permit SD to have any contact with her.

6.  If there is ANY kind of issue where SD feels unsafe (not just sisterly arguements) we will immediately call CPS or just remove SD from the house.

BM was upset about only seeing SD on the weekends.  She saw nothing wrong with when school starts everything going back to normal since the kids wont attend the same school.  I told her that they are home all night together.

I also told her that SD was scared to come back to her house on Saturday.  That she kept saying that she wondered if the knives would be put up, and then talked about scissors.  SD was sitting there for the last part of the conversation because BM felt it was about her.  SD told her that she is scared when the other girl is there even if BM and her bf are home, if they aren't in the same room with her.  The only reason she was comfortable was knowing the other girl wouldn't be there.

We told her that this way, she can have her bf back, and have the plan to get everything back in place but it would take a little bit of time.  I told BM that more than anything SD had to regain her sense of safety and trust around this other girl.

What do you think?

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Re: We gave BM an ultimatum last night

  • DREWLILYDREWLILY
    Good for you! I hope that this plan works and that SD will feel safe being over there. I would type all this up and have BM sign it so at least it's somewhat of a formal agreement just in case.
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  • CaelenEsqCaelenEsq
    That sounds like a solid plan. I agree with getting this in writing. Good luck!
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    My honest opinion?  I am no expert but think that threatening to kill others does not sound like bi-polar and if a therapist does not get the whole story, they can mis-diagnose or overlook thee severity of this.  (She will need a GOOD therapist that only deals with kids, the rest usually say they can do it but are not experienced enough.  And she needs a Psychiatrist to prescribe meds and see her regularly to adjust it to get it right.  How old is this other girl?  Can you trust whoever would be in charge of making her take the meds to ensure that happens?  This whole thhing sucks so much, especially for your SD and even the other sick girl.  And BM is out of her mind that the BF is more important!
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • luckyangelluckyangel member
    I think it sounds reasonable.  My only concern is how will ANYONE know if the other kid is taking meds?  One of the problems we ran into with BM was that she stopped taking her meds and that was part of why she went nuts so fast.  It happened so quickly (within days) that noone even knew she had stopped taking her meds. I would see about getting SD into a self defense class or something so you know if the other kid freaks out, she can defend herself. 
    accordingtoabby.com" "From of suffering emerges the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran
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  • taagenttaagent member

    As far as threatening to kill and bipolar it is during a tantrum, which happens out of anger.  According to the research I have done, it isn't uncommon to be violent during this time.  In the note that this other child wrote (she is 12) she basically says that she doesn't know what she is saying or doing and sometimes doesn't remember it afterwards which is also a sign.

    As far as the meds, she takes meds now for ADHD and they often fight about them, so SD knows when she does or does not take them, but I agree it wont be a guarantee, however, if they don't make her take them and there is any issue SD will be removed.

    I agree about the self defense classes. 

    I have found a counseling service that deals with children and various mental health issues including, ADHD, anger management, impulse-control disorder, bi-polar disorder, oppositional defiance disorder etc. so if it isn't Bipolar, they may be able to to determine if one of these other things is the issue.  When I looked at differences between ADHD and bipolar her symptoms fit bipolar almost perfectly, and my understanding is that often adolesent bipolar disorder is confused with ADHD which she has been diagnosed with.

    I will look at getting the agreement in writing, I think that is a good idea too.  The other option for BM is that SD has NO contact whatsoever with this other child.  Honestly, our hope is NOT just that SD is helped by this situation, but that the other child is too.  If this forces them to get her the help she needs then so be it!

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  • taagenttaagent member

    I appreciate the input, I didn't diagnose using webmd and I know it is difficult to diagnose but at the very least she needs counseling.

    We don't have a court order, however I do not think that BM will stop DH from seeing her.  If that were to happen, we would sell everything we had to pay for a lawyer and fight for full physical and legal custody and she knows this. 

    I agree too that a note will only get us so far but that plus SD saying she is afraid and doesn't want to be there may give us the upper hand and I don't think BM is in a great position to try it.  She has one son already she has no contact with and no one is completely sure why, she gives a version that is completely implausable and she is essentially choosing her bf over her daughter's welfare. 

    I know we are walking a thin line but I am not sure at this point we have any choice.

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  • jpowell3jpowell3
    Your plan sounds good & I second the opinion on self defense. Judo is a great one for women to learn, it is about using your opponents weight & momentum against them (aka, fighting off a bigger girl wouldn't be hard for her) and it also teaches you how to fight & disarm someone with weapons. Look into it, she will maybe even have a little fun in class!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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