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3rd Trimester
The hurtful things people say.. with a bonus PIP
A little bit of background: All of my family lives in another state, and I don't get to see them very often. If we are lucky about once a year we are able to visit each other. Needless to say I haven't seen anyone for the duration of my pregnancy yet because they want to come up when I'm closer to popping.
Because of this I set up a flickr account for my husband and I to share with my family. It's got photos from our wedding, our kitties, progress pictures of my belly and such like that. I figured it was the least we could do, and I knew they would be excited to see the pictures. For the most part they have been all happy when we update with new photos saying how happy I look and things like that.
Last night I get a call from my grandmother a little after 9. DH and I were finishing up a movie so I let it go to voice mail. Now, my grandfather is very sick and might not make it much longer, so when I listened to the voice mail I put it on speaker phone so DH could hear it in case something had happened to him.
The message went something like this "Hi Honey, it's your Grandmother. I saw your new pictures yesterday! I hope you don't gain any more weight otherwise that baby is going to be walking around soon! And wow, you've still got a long way to go!! It's going to be hard for you later. Anyway I just wanted to see how your doctors appointments have been going. Talk to you later."
Needless to say, that just about broke me. She doesn't see what she said as a hurtful comment, or why it might be considered a hurtful comment. She's been saying stuff like that to my mom for years.
I'm a bigger girl. I always have been. I've always had body image issues surrounding my weight too, so being pregnant and gaining weight hasn't been an easy thing for me to see. Most days I'm sensible enough to realize WHY it's happening, but others it does get the best of me. Yes I have put on a good amount of weight for this pregnancy, but there isn't a whole lot I can do about it at the moment. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
For reference: One of the 28 + week photos she was referring to.
I spent most of the evening last night crying and having a big pity party because I just couldn't believe that someone would say something like that. Poor DH just didn't know what to say, and did his best to comfort me telling me my body was just along for the ride.
Pregnancy is a beautiful wonderful miracle, and should be embraced.
How do you deal with people making comments like that?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The hurtful things people say.. with a bonus PIP
How do I deal? By having a little cry and eating a bowl of ice cream!
If your doctor hasn't said anything about weight, there's no need to worry about what other people say, especially when they have a history of making hurtful comments. Your 28-wk picture looks great to me!
i'm so sorry she said that to you! i'm in the same position as you, in that i live in a different state than all my family. when i was about 28 weeks, i flew home for a couple baby showers. my dad picked me up from the airport and the first thing he said to me was, "they need to take you back to the doctor. there's no way you only have one baby in there, you're way too big." WOW, dad. really? all i said was, thanks, daddy very sarcastically. it made me want to cry and it stuck with me the whole weekend. but, eventhough it still hurt, i soon figured out (after hearing him say the same thing to my aunt who looked like she had a basketball under her shirt), that he somehow saw that as a twisted compliment - that he was telling me the baby was going to be big and healthy.
so, i've decided that that's how i'm going to look at it and try not to be so hurt by it. and, you're right in that you can't lose the weight now, so who cares? you do what's right for you and if your gma brings it up again, just tell her that your doc thinks everything is right on track and you're gaining exactly like you're supposed to (even if that's not true). sorry you have to deal with this and GL!
I'm sorry, that wasn't the best thing she could have said. I don't know what you looked like before, but I think you look beautiful right now, and you don't look like you have gained an enormous amount.
Keep your chin up!
Awwwwww - I'm sorry!! Like you said though, she doesn't realize how hurtful those comments are too you.
You are pg and your beautiful. Like you said, you know weight gain is a part of it - love it or hate. You will have a miracle at the end.
I hope you feel better!
First - people suck, and don't think. Why is it ok to comment on a pregnant woman's weight but not on any other woman's?! COME ON! Ergh. I totally understand where you are coming from, this weekend and last week I saw my in-laws and EVERY single time a new person saw me I got "WOW, you've gotten so big" or "Holy cow, you just keep growing" or "look how big you are!" or my favorite "Wow, how much weight have you gained?!?" and I just want to punch them and say "Hey dummy, I'm growing a baby...you'd be concerned if I weren't getting bigger. P.s. mind your own business or I'm going to start commenting on how big YOUR tummy is getting and I'm doing just fine in the weight gain department...thanks for your concern." People just don't think about it. What gets me is most of the comments come from women who have had children before! Did they forget what it was like when THEY heard those comments? I'm so, so sorry. Ignore them and listen to your doctor. If THEY express concern then that is one thing, if they aren't concerned then vent to your husband and make jokes about it because those people are stupid.
Aw, I feel for you. Try not to take it personally. She's just being a grandma and sometimes grandmas don't have sensors. My grandmother, who has since passed away, used to always tell me that I was gaining weight and needed to watch my diet no matter if I gained or lost since I last saw her. Then she'd tell me to "sit and eat"
It's a fond memory that can never be replaced. She just has your best interest in mind.
My grandmother is like this too. She feels free to comment on everyone's weight and it has gotten worse since I've been pregnant. I learned years ago to ignore her for the most part, but it occasionally still gets to me. And it makes my DH so mad. I was visiting with her after my baby shower a couple of weeks ago and she told me about a conversation between her and her sister. It was along the lines of talking about how good I look except for my enormous legs (which aren't that much bigger). Then she told me that I was bigger than my mother (who is of average size and looks darn good after having 3 kids). I looked at her and said "Well, I AM 8 months pregnant, what do you expect" That shut her up.
Just remember that there is a very good reason you are gaining weight and you are going to have a healthy baby. I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt if I said something to upset her a little bit--everyone has their insecurities. It would make her think twice about future possible hurtful comments.
Its definitely a hard thing to hear...
i get comments like that all the time... mostly from my side of the family or even some friends. But just like someone else said if your dr hasnt said anything abt your weight gain and isnt concerned then dont get yourself too worked up... even tho its easier said then done.
Im a bigger girl as well and when ppl tell me oh youve put on this or you your face is fat that... i try with the best smile i can come up with say that everyone is different so if i gain 80 lbs then i gain or if i only gain 10 so what.. my dr says im fine i feel geat my baby is healthy so leave me be..
its hard but youve just got to try and brush it off.
You look great!!!!!
I'm the one who's maligning my looks/swelling/bloating. DH won't put up with it and won't allow me to wallow in self-deprecation which I do appreciate, just not always at the time that I am seeking to wallow.
Won't be long now and I'm looking at using my feelings about my current self-image as the inspiration to keep my post partum stupendous weight loss into high gear.?
First of all, you look great!
Secondly, I think that most grandmas have a skewed idea of how much weight is healthy to gain. They were told to only gain 15 lbs per pregnancy. When I tell my grandma how much I've gained she looks at me in horror! My mom is always telling her that I'm supposed to gain 25-30 lbs.
This. And I think that you look great!
I love to say "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" when people say things about my weight.
Everyone is different and they should just be happy for you.
When I was pregnant with my son (5 years ago) I experienced a similar situation with my grandmother. Everytime she saw me she would ask how much weight I had gained and if the doctor's were getting concerned. It made me feel horrible and like a big cow. I was healthy and according to my doctor's my weight was right on track. After explaining to her that for my pre-pregnancy weight the doctor's wanted me to gain about 30 pounds my grandmother was in shock. Evidentally when she had her kids 50-60 years ago they didn't want women to gain more than 10 pounds or the much more than the weight of the baby. Times have changed (thankfully) and I don't think her comments were ment to be hurtful, she just didn't know. Needless to say my grandmother hasn't commented on my weight once this pregnancy!
Grandmothers don't seem to think before they speak a lot of the time. At my shower, my mom was so excited to share the name she wants to be called as the grandmother. My DH's grandmother and her friend both immediately said, "You can try and get her to call you that, but she'll call you whatever she wants". Way to burst my mom's bubble!
By the way, I think you look cute!
How is it that my BABY is going to be 3?
BFP-2/25/11; 8 Wk U/S-3/25/11-No HB, measured 6.5 wks; D&C
This is why I haven't posted pics for the family that is distant. My whole life, bothr my maternal grandmother and my dad's mother (notice I DON'T call her grandma - long story) have always nit-picked my appearance - for the record, I have PCOS, so I can't exactly help the weight gain all that much.
My maternal grandma, however, is concerned that I'm not gaining ENOUGH weight while pregnant, LOL (she has come around to somewhat understanding that I have a condition). If I still spoke to Dad's mom, she would probably be a b!tch as always.
I know it is hard, but try not to let it get you down too much!?