In-Law/DH Vent

doctryan · June 2009

At a base level we handle family differently. DH and I are both huge fans of family, but I am comfortable talking to my parents once a week or every other week. He speaks to both his parents every day. Before DH and I got married we discussed how often we would see our parents. Specifically, how often we would see his parents because they live in town and at that point we agreed that once a month was a reasonable time frame. For the last 9 months, we are seeing them once or twice a week and this is waayy too much for me.

In general his parents are great. I have a few issues with them because they spoil him much more than we do. Which normally seems like a grandparent's right, but I don't think it can be when they are a constant in the child's life. His mother is also passive aggressive and has at times disregarded instructions or requests without an apology or acknowledgment, so that has definitely build up my resentment.

That is the background. Today I tried to tell DH that I needed a break from the family. That I need us to move to maybe seeing them every other week. Since I work 5 days a week, I only have 2 days to spend with my son and I don't always want to share that time with them. DH did not agree and feels that once a week is appropriate, but I don't have to come. This really hurt me, because if I don't come, then I miss out on time with my son.

I don't know what to do. I don't want us to fall apart because of in-laws. But this is one of those things where if something doesn't change, I fear a long term wear and tear on our marriage. And I already see this getting worse, since they now ask to go to music class with us and they will want to go to all the soccer games, if we plan a trip to the aquarium - they want to come.

Sorry for the long and rambling vent.

MLvK · June 2009

doctryan:
I don't want us to fall apart because of in-laws. ?

I think that same sentiment every time my in laws come up.

I hope you guys can work it out. ? No fun. ? ?Your points are dead on. ?

Mrs.Guz · June 2009

DH and I have had fight after fight after fight over his parents. I often times felt that they were really tearing DH and I apart and that our marriage wouldn't last much longer if things didn't change. FINALLY the "*** hit the fan" when I was pregnant and he finally saw what I've been seeing for years. So things have been SOOO much better since then.

DH needs to learn to tell his parents NO. Grandparents are wonderful, but in moderation. I wish I had advice for you, but I really hope things work out for you!

ebearwife · June 2009

Its an ebb and flow with ILs. Mine live next door. Some days its great to see them bc I need a break or to clean or cook dinner. Some days I want to live on the other side of the planet. But now that they have agreed to watch P one day a week, its gonna save me $1200/year. Can't beat that with a stick.

jodylynn · June 2009

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. You want YOU time with your husband and kids and that is not too much to ask for.

dbryson · June 2009

I have total crazy ILs too ...his entire family is a little loony (they gave knives to three year olds to throw at a target, fill baby bottles with Coke for 3 month olds...oh, do I have stories) but I can see it on both sides.

We see his family about once a month, but they live 3.5 hours away. But I think it is really hard for you to have them intown and tell him he can't see his family. If the shoe was on the reverse foot and my DH told me I couldn't see my family who lived in town I would blow a gasket.

Can he maybe do a lunch date with them and the baby? So it doesn't take away from your family time but gives them time together. Or maybe if you are going to the grocery store/mall/hair apt whatever he could go visit while you are running errands.

DH and I talked about seeing a counselor because of his parents. His Mom makes nasty remarks and does things I consider inappropriate but always when he was in another room. My SIL, who is also crazy, complains of the same stuff which got DH to thinking and then he did witness some stuff and is now on my side. I also made him "grow a pair" and stand up to his parents on some things. I am not scared to put them in their place and it is much better coming from him than me and he realizes this now. We still have our moments but better. I have a friend who is seeing a counselor for her inlaws and it is REALLY helping her. They also live intown so it is touchy for her too.

Good luck!

K&P414 · June 2009

While I think you have a totally rational claim I would suggest on waiting until the new baby gets here before you make any new plans. It could go either way once the baby gets here. You might enjoy a few minutes alone or your husband could realize that now that there are 2 kiddos you have less time 'together.' I'd wait it out a few weeks before I addressed anything. Good luck!

Janimal · June 2009

I think it is waaaay harder to draw boundaries now, as it appears a pattern has already been established.

I wish I had some decent advice that would help your DH understand that you need time as a family just you guys, not always including your ILs. Of course you want your ILs in your lives but it is fair for you to have family time without them also. I would say you need a very deep heart to heart with him, with the understanding that this isn't about his parents, this is about YOUR needs to be a family with DH and your LO, not with other people around. Make it not be about your ILs. Anything negative you say about your ILs will be an attack on his parents in his eyes. And I don't think that helps or is the point. If you can make the point that you want time for the 3 of you, perhaps that will help.

If it doesn't work, if he won't listen to you or is defensive, then perhaps a 3rd party can intervene. A professional counselor might be able to make him see that your family needs time without his parents always there.

Best wishes.

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