Update: SD not going to BM's

taagent · June 2009

Here is the update some of you are waiting for.

DH talked to a lawyer, because he is not on SD's birth certificate (State of SC doesn't allow another man's name on the BC if the mother is married to someone else). He has no legal standing to get custody. So, if he were to call CPS there is a possibility that if they removed the kids, SD wouldn't be given to us, but rather end up in foster care. BTW - it will cost us $10,000 to petition for paternity.

However, DH did talk to BM. He talked with SD first, then called BM. BM explained what happened, and she said exactly what SD said happened was true. She also said that after it happened she told her bf if anything like that happened again she would leave with the kids.

DH told her straight out that we aren't sure if we are going to allow SD to return back to her on Saturday. THat SD is scared (and BM said she knew that), The ONLY way he would allow her to go over there was if the other child wasn't there. He told her if we found out that the they were we would call CPS whether SD went to us or a foster family. BM AGREED! He told her that if she ever finds herself having both girls she needs to call us IMMEDIATELY and we will come and pick up SD.

Basically if the other girl is there SD will not be and vice versa. BM agreed to everything! BM said she would call us in a few days and let us know what the schedule with the other girl is like next week...if she doesn't, SD doesn't go back and BM knows this. He also said that if there were any other issues with the other girl in that house that SD would be removed whether BM stayed or not. Again, BM said okay.

I am honestly really surprised BM didn't put up a fight about it. Granted she hasn't discussed this with her bf yet so things may change but DH put his foot down and is determined to stick to it. SD has said that she wants to see her mom but doesn't want to be there when the other child is there. DH asked BM "what if she does something to her while she is sleeping?" and BM said, "what is to prevent her from doing something to me while I am sleeping". I told DH, that was the whole freaking point! We know she would protect SD if she was able, but if she isn't then there is no one to protect her.

So that is where we are.

RedHeadedLeo85 · June 2009

Im so happy that things are working out well for you. I bet thats a lot lifted off of your shoulders. Have you talked with SD about it? How does she feel? I bet she feels TONS better now!! How is the water bottle thing going?

J&A2008 · June 2009

Thank you for the update. What a relief. I still can't believe BM would allow that to happen when she (now) obviously realizes how it was affecting SD.

I'm so happy you get to keep her.

jpowell3 · June 2009

What a relief (for now) that bm agreed to everything, I'm sure your sd is VERY happy about that. The situation must have really been bad for bm to agree right away to everything. I hope she can stick to the agreement.

sprky79 · June 2009

Does your state do a voluntary acknowedgement of paternity? Thats what my sister's babydaddy had to sign when my nephew was born, maybe that would help get him recognized as the biodad?

Ilumine · June 2009

Can you use this situation as a touch off point to get BM to help you get a real CO in place and getting your DH's paternity set?

Explain to BM that if something were to happen, SD would have to go into the Foster Care system unless these things were taken care of?

taagent · June 2009

Thanks ladies. Here is what happens in the state of SC. If the mother is married to someone other than the father at the time of the baby's birth the husband is automatically assumed to be the father.

In our situation, BM had been separated from her husband (legally and physically - he lives in FL she lives here - for 4-5 years before SD was born).

An acknowledgement of paternity ONLY applies in the state of SC to unmarried mothers. If BM wanted to prove paternity she would have to request a DNA test for her husband and prove her husband isn't SD's father (yes, she is still married to this man) before she could request a DNA test for DH. The other option would be for DH to request a paternity test to prove he is SD's father. Unfortunately, vital statistics will only change her birth certificate if they are told by the court to do so - so we would have to get an attorney and go to court to establish paternity which will cost us $10,000.

Because SD doesn't have ANY father's name on her BC BM has the right to say that if anything should happen to her SD can go to DH, which she has. So we are covered if BM dies or is incapacitated, but may not be in other situations.

BM will not request a paternity test for her husband because she is afraid that if she does it will blow up in her face since he has sole custody of her oldest son (which CPS gave him before the other two kids were born) and hasn't paid a cent of child support in about 14 years. He has just asked to be left alone and hates BM.

SD feels better. She is alittle confused. After we told her what was happening she asked if she would be able to play with the other girl and we said probably not. We still have to work out some details and honestly this may finish off BM's relationship with her bf so things may change once again, not sure yet.

DH was feeling a little better but i is hard to see what is coming around this corner, so none of us feel especially secure about not having more issues crop up.

Pokes · June 2009

First, Im glad to hear that BM agreed that something had to be done to right the situation. Something should have been done ealier, but alteast she agrees.... Im always amazed when they do that!