DH's loyalty is with his mom

shiv165 · June 2009

I wasn't sure how to title this post because I do feel that DH should be loyal to his mom, dad, sister etc but we went out to dinner with them this weekend to celebrate fathers day and I felt that I was treated pretty badly by MIL. One example that hurt my feelings is my SIL is a SAHM and when she asked me about bathing DD I told her I bather her every night. No big deal - I just said it was our routine and that's it. SIL laughed and said that she wishes she could do it every night but by the end of the night she's so tired that she just skips it a lot. I totally understand that! - Conversation could have been over but MIL decides that she has to say - don't worry ____ (her daughter/my SIL) she's at work all day and only has one baby so she's got a lot more time and energy than you do.

This made me feel like she doesn't respect the fact that I am working 12-14 hours a day and feel like I have to pack everything in when I do get home and I am somehow less of a mother.

When I told DH this on the way home (and this is only 1 example of about 5) he told me that he didn't want to hear it and I only want to create conflict between me and his mom because I am selfish and I've ruined his fathers day. It was a pretty bad conversation.

I just feel like no matter what, he takes his mom's side. Do any of you feel this way and what is a PC way to bring this up without another argument?

*KatieH* · June 2009

Wow I have to say for that your husband sucks. ?I give so much credit to us moms working or sah it's tough. ?Your mil and sil suck too. ?

?

stephm0188 · June 2009

MIL's are like kids... you need to pick your battles. She sounds obnoxious, but if she's not meddling in your relationship or harmful to your child, I'd let it go.

goodtobethelarkster · June 2009

I'm having a hard time understanding where you're coming from because what your MIL said doesn't strike me as all that bad. She could very well have just been trying to make SIL feel okay about not giving her baby a bath every night rather than attacking you.

Temp552270562505132 · June 2009

well if he's not gonna stick up for you, do it for yourself! in response to the jab she took at you: "yeah.... im such a slacker mom, working 12-14 hours a day and trying to cram in parenting all in just a few hours. shame on me."

there's no "PC" way to talk to your H.

kick him in the nuts and be done with it.

Lucky_Dragonfly · June 2009

so how does his mother putting you down consitutute you ruining father's day? that was a pretty shiitty thing of him to say.

MH doesn't necesarily side with his mom but he doesn;t object to her either and just "yeses" her all the time becuase he doesn;t want to listen to her and then when I want him to say something he won't So.. i have started to phrase it "either you say something or I will and it won't be pretty." Usualy gets the trick done.

*KatieH* · June 2009

Lucky_Dragonfly:
so how does his mother putting you down consitutute you ruining father's day? that was a pretty shiitty thing of him to say.?
MH doesn't necesarily side with his mom but he doesn;t object to her either and just "yeses" her all the time becuase he doesn;t want to listen to her and then when I want him to say something he won't So.. i have started to phrase it "either you say something or I will and it won't be pretty." Usualy gets the trick done.

?

Unfortunately I have had to use this same approach.. worked like a charm. ?

shiv165 · June 2009

Lucky_Dragonfly:

so how does his mother putting you down consitutute you ruining father's day? that was a pretty shiitty thing of him to say.

Well I was complaining about it on the way home when he wanted me to be doting on him for being a great father or something (that's really a whole different story). I agree - it was a crappy thing to say and we really still aren't speaking because of it - although I am not all that sure he notices.

brandonsfuturewife07 · June 2009

your SIL sounds lazy. i'm a SAHM, and i bathe DS every nigth as part of his bedtime routine. the only time i don't is if he seems too tired or if we're out & about, and he falls asleep.

i would just roll my eyes at both of them and let this one pass.

msabol2077 · June 2009

I give you so much credit for working full time. DH used to be like this when we first got married before we had our LO. He has been way better with this stuff. I know how you feel tho, you can't say how you really feel and there really isn't much you can do unless you want to start a fight. Honestly tho I would sit down and tell him exactly how you feel, maybe that will help a little.

akiernan · June 2009

I honestly don't think this is about the SIL and MIL as much as it is about the husband's response and reaction.

Seriously? He sounds like an assshat.

iowandfw · June 2009

if your h was mine, one of us would have been in a hotel.

***

divakat · June 2009

I don't have any advice to offer, but I want to tell you that I am in the exact same boat. My MIL and SIL gang up on me all the time and my DH never stands up to them. He just defends their actions and says I'm being too sensitive. The only thing that I've decided to do to "solve" this problem, is that I am not going to spend time with them except for major holidays. I just don't feel like constantly being bullied by them. If DH wants to see them, he can go by himself.

Brookie-Cookie · June 2009

brandonsfuturewife07:

your SIL sounds lazy. i'm a SAHM, and i bathe DS every nigth as part of his bedtime routine. the only time i don't is if he seems too tired or if we're out & about, and he falls asleep.

i would just roll my eyes at both of them and let this one pass.

BW, come on now. I rolling my eyes at you for this one.

philosoraptor · June 2009

Why did you just sit there and let her get away with it? Say something to her directly - don't involve your H.

Janimal · June 2009

goodtobethelarkster:

I'm having a hard time understanding where you're coming from because what your MIL said doesn't strike me as all that bad. She could very well have just been trying to make SIL feel okay about not giving her baby a bath every night rather than attacking you.

This.

shiv165 · June 2009

philosoraptor:
Why did you just sit there and let her get away with it? Say something to her directly - don't involve your H.

You're right - I actually did say something but I always get flustered in situations and it takes me a few mins to come up with a response...pathetic After she said that I had more time and energy I responded and said "actually, I'm not exactly swimming in free time with my schedule and it doesn't have anything to do having more energy - I am pretty freaking tired by the end of the day."

It was mostly ignored. My MIL is a nut and I am aware of that - what's most upsetting is that I don't feel like I have an advocate in my husband. He is so oblivious to these things and then when I bring them up to explain how I felt, he gets angry with me.

kgb1411 · June 2009

wierd advice that has been passed through the women in my family: Start complaining about the crappy stuff that your mom does (I am sure you can think of something). Eventually he will jump on the bandwagon and start complaining about his mom to you. The goal is to get him to talk about his mom being rude, not defending her behavior.

Anyway, take it or leave it, but my mom actually told me to do this (and gave me some examples of how she pisses me off...lol) and so far it has worked.

shiv165 · June 2009

Janimal:
goodtobethelarkster:

I'm having a hard time understanding where you're coming from because what your MIL said doesn't strike me as all that bad. She could very well have just been trying to make SIL feel okay about not giving her baby a bath every night rather than attacking you.

This.

I get what you mean. It really was a dig about how I don't "do" as much as my SIL as a mom. There were also many more comments and passive-aggressive examples from the evening but it's not important. I was more referring to my husband and our relationship than that with my MIL.

shiv165 · June 2009

kgb1411:

wierd advice that has been passed through the women in my family: Start complaining about the crappy stuff that your mom does (I am sure you can think of something). Eventually he will jump on the bandwagon and start complaining about his mom to you. The goal is to get him to talk about his mom being rude, not defending her behavior.

Anyway, take it or leave it, but my mom actually told me to do this (and gave me some examples of how she pisses me off...lol) and so far it has worked.

Interesting theory! I will try this...thx

philosoraptor · June 2009

shiv165:
philosoraptor:
Why did you just sit there and let her get away with it? Say something to her directly - don't involve your H.

You're right - I actually did say something but I always get flustered in situations and it takes me a few mins to come up with a response...pathetic After she said that I had more time and energy I responded and said "actually, I'm not exactly swimming in free time with my schedule and it doesn't have anything to do having more energy - I am pretty freaking tired by the end of the day."

It was mostly ignored. My MIL is a nut and I am aware of that - what's most upsetting is that I don't feel like I have an advocate in my husband. He is so oblivious to these things and then when I bring them up to explain how I felt, he gets angry with me.

DH and I used to have this same fight. Then one day he finally told me that he's so accustomed to his family acting this way (I have an even more horrible FIL, and my SIL is beyond words) that he doesn't really notice it anymore, and that furthermore, nothing anyone says is going to change their behavior. In fact, it would just cause more problems. He's right.

Ignore them as much as you can. Obviously they're not worth your time or energy.

MegGary · June 2009

shiv165:
Janimal:
goodtobethelarkster:

I'm having a hard time understanding where you're coming from because what your MIL said doesn't strike me as all that bad. She could very well have just been trying to make SIL feel okay about not giving her baby a bath every night rather than attacking you.

This.

I get what you mean. It really was a dig about how I don't "do" as much as my SIL as a mom. There were also many more comments and passive-aggressive examples from the evening but it's not important. I was more referring to my husband and our relationship than that with my MIL.

So saying something negative to her is ok as long as SIL gets a boost?

I wouldn't stand for that either. Your MIL was out of line. Your DH should of stood up for you or at least comforted you when you told him about it later.

He doesn't have to get "why" it bothered you. He just has to "respect" that it did & be supportive of you.

LaurenL1976 · June 2009

*KatieH*:
Wow I have to say for that your husband sucks. I give so much credit to us moms working or sah it's tough. Your mil and sil suck too.

ditto

brandonsfuturewife07 · June 2009

Brookie-Cookie:
brandonsfuturewife07:

your SIL sounds lazy. i'm a SAHM, and i bathe DS every nigth as part of his bedtime routine. the only time i don't is if he seems too tired or if we're out & about, and he falls asleep.

i would just roll my eyes at both of them and let this one pass.

BW, come on now. I rolling my eyes at you for this one.

not so much lazy, but shouldn't it be the other way around? the working mom being too tired to give baby a bath?

whatever, she was making excuses & wanted OP to join her in complaining.

SpecialWife · June 2009

stephm0188:

MIL's are like kids... you need to pick your battles. She sounds obnoxious, but if she's not meddling in your relationship or harmful to your child, I'd let it go.

I agree but I'm sorry your dh spoke to you the way he did. I would be crying if my dh said that to me.

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