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Care to critique my "story" ?

DavezWifeDavezWife member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Although many of my friends/family know we lost this last pregnancy, we have not shared the results of the testing with anyone. (Trisomy 13)

I've worked on this story for my blog for quite some time, so much so I've become "blah" over it.

Would you please read it, and share any thoughts or comments with me? Does it make sense? flow right? sound stupid? (honesty please)

For some reason, it's very important to me that it's a nice explanation, and tells our story in the right way. Sorry it's long, you're sweet to play along.

thanks! (ignore the html if it comes across funny... not sure what the nest will do with it)

 

_________________________________________________-

They say "knowledge is power."
Well, we got "power" well over a week ago, and I am still trying to put words to how I feel about it. For some reason, I know that there's power in there somewhere, hidden under grief; diluted from tears; smothered with pain.

For those catching up, you can read our good news HERE and the unfortunate events HERE, INSTEAD.

Caught up? Great. Let's continue.

Part of the reason we chose to go ahead with the D 'n C after we found out the baby died, was that it would allow doctors to test the fetal tissue, and possibly identify the cause of this particular miscarriage. Remember this one was MUCH later than the other four. This one was almost "in the clear."  This one was the 5% odds of a loss. This one was already getting it's name argued over.

I went back to my post-op appt, thinking I would again walk out of that building powerless. Just as I did on May 26th, I anticipated more feelings of despair, like I would somehow define a whole other level of emptiness.
But the test results were already back.
And as if it's possible, <em>it was the best bad news we could get.</em>

See... the other miscarriages were more explained. I had a pointy finger out, and for the most part, it was aimed right at my ovaries, and their lazy attitude. But this one... well... I, for one, was blindsided. <a href="https://www.imeem.com/rockmusic7/music/MML0DCBA/bon-iver-blindsided/">(one of my favorite Bon Iver songs, listen to it HERE)</a>
But something I found almost as painful as the loss itself, was the fear of WHY it happened.

The guilt of "what if it's something I did? Ate? Drank? Didn't eat? Didn't drink? Didn't do?" was sick. The elevated anxiety as a by product of those thoughts was almost paralyzing. The only thing that trumped it was the fear that something was "wrong" with one of us genetically. Lazy ovaries, old eggs, and that eager *** "Aunt Flo" always arriving for her monthly visit early, or at latest, on time... feck. What else?????????? Stop the ride, I wanna get off. Wait! I want back on. keep going... my family... my kids... I have to find them....
Yeah. Chittiest.rollercoaster.ever.

So right in front of me was the power.
And it had a name.

<em>Trisomy 13. </em>

This rollercoaster just.got.chittier.

Basically T13 is a chromosomal mutation that happens as the embryo 1st starts to grow. Somewhere something went apechit and the 13th chromosome had an extra bit on it. Sometimes it happens because one of US had the bit. Nope. We're in the clear there. Sometimes bits flipped, nope. A freaky lightening strike hit us.
Nothing we could do. Nothing to prevent it, fix it, or stop it from happening.
And nothing we could do would have saved this baby from certain demise. <em>T13 is "incompatible with life</em>."
These children are a <em>mixed up mess</em>, they <em>rarely</em> survive the pregnancy, and they <strong>never</strong> survive the 1st part of life.

That's just great. So even though we had plenty of names already picked out for "Harvey", the wee one already had a name. And we didn't know it. (and incidently, we were not going to know it for a while, as we decided to pass on advanced testing that would have told us this error) It's not a name I ever would have dreamt about. It's not pretty, it isn't cute, and it's doesn't go with the middle names we <del datetime="2009-06-20T12:50:40+00:00">were arguing over</del> picked out. It rips my heart out to hear the words "Trisomy 13"... I don't want one of my children to be named that. It even has an unlucky number to it. WTF? But it is what it is. And here we are.

Yet I don't want this loss to remain anonymous. We're told the odds of lightening striking twice are as high as they were being hit in the 1st place. Not much condolence to parents wishing they weren't sitting ducks to begin with.

But I'm left with that one thing.
Knowledge.

That knowing what hand we were delt has a name. Has little chance of happening again. And that we didn't make the rollercoaster take that turn.

Yea, that's real nice and all. But I'd still give <em>just about anything</em> to go back to being tired and green again.

Join us - Commit Random Acts of Kindness, and say "I did it for Cricket" Cricket's Cadence
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Re: Care to critique my &amp;quot;story&amp;quot; ?

  • taratrutaratru member
    Love it.  Just the right mix of wry and genuine.
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  • Cow-girlCow-girl member
    Very nice thanks for sharing....
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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  • TravelinMamaTravelinMama member

    I don't believe in "critiquey" such stories, as it is YOUR story and your words.  No one can critique what has happened to you.

    Thank you though for sharing. 

    Marie, wife to Ron, mom to DS
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  • DavezWifeDavezWife member
    the story is what it is... I guess I meant more the writing.. the words... if they "flow" ok or if it's as jumbled as my heart and head is ;-)
    Join us - Commit Random Acts of Kindness, and say "I did it for Cricket" Cricket's Cadence
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  • sunflower.17sunflower.17

    imagetaratru:
    Love it.  Just the right mix of wry and genuine.

    i agree. i loved it.

    tears in heaven. 5.21.09 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • Can't Wait To Be A MamaCan't Wait To Be A Mama
    That is great, you did a really good job on it.
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  • someflower6someflower6 member

    i love to write, and getting it "right" is very important to me. in fact, most of the time i don't even write about the things that are most important because i don't know how to put them into words.

    you did an excellent job or explaining not only the situation, but your experience. what you felt, what you thought, all the motions. i think it is absolutely post-worthy, and i'm really glad you're sharing your story with others.

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  • DavezWifeDavezWife member
    thanks guys.....
    Join us - Commit Random Acts of Kindness, and say "I did it for Cricket" Cricket's Cadence
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  • MBZMBZ
    I think it was very well written. It made me cry. I myself have a beautiful DD, 4 mc on my belt, the last being a result of Trisomy 21 and I am still trying to wrap my head around that one. I, unfortunately, know how you feel, and could really relate to your words. Thanks for sharing :)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
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  • EviebeeEviebee

    imagetaratru:
    Love it.  Just the right mix of wry and genuine.

    This, and I think it was beautiful.  And the writing and flow were just great.  It really read like you must feel.

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