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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
I need advice re: DH
There are things he does that really bother me. He's a great dad, but he had awful role models growing up and I just feel like sometimes he doesn't do enough.
For example, if I went to work the first thing I would do when I got home is pick DD up, play with her, sit on the couch with her, etc. He doesn't usually. he comes in, changes clothes, goes to the couch. Sometimes he will, but not usually. Now she's not old enough to realize yet, but it REALLY bothers me. He also acts like he's being put upon a lot of the time when I ask him to do things. I seem to get the standard response of inward groan and "can't you do it?" whether it's put the dogs out, change her diaper, fill her cup, hold her while I do something, on and on. Yes, usually I can do it myself, but would it really kill him!?
It goes like this most days. He comes home, basically ignores her (I know it's not intentional) until I tell him to watch her so I can cook. He'll play with her or watch tv with her while I cook. Then he'll put her in the high chair to eat. I fix her food. I clean her up, I do her bath, I get her dressed, I put her to bed. He will round up pacifiers. If I ask him to do anything else I get, 'ugh, can't you???" I am so tired of it. Last night I brought this and a couple other things up to him and he flipped out. He said I said he's a horrible dad, and that he's nothing like his dad, etc, and that he does spend time with her, yadda yadda.
He has only left the house with DD alone twice ever. When I had my surgery in jan my mom asked him to fix her a bottle and he had to ask her where the liners were and then put the wrong mix in. He still asks me what drawer her blankets go in and where the washcloths are.
i am getting so tired of it.
sorry that got incredibly long. Anyway, my point is, I need to know what I can say that won't send him into defense mode. I just want him to understand where I'm coming from. I'm really starting to resent him and I hate it.
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Re: I need advice re: DH
try telling him that you aren't talking about his parenting skills at all - you think he's a great parent. what you are talking about has more to do with how you guys are splitting up the household duties (which have multiplied since your DD was born).
I'm sorry that's happening. DH and I have our problems, but he is unbelievably helpful with DS and household stuff. I honestly don't know how I would do it without him. Props to you for being patient.
Is there any way that you can have an "event" that you have to go to once a week, so he can do the whole dinner/bathtime/bottle thing himself? I've found with my husband the best way to get him involved is to just throw him into it, but not hover.
I'm sorry you are frustrated.
My BIL can be like this..my SIL has vented about him, although I think he's better about getting to the kids right away when he comes home. I don't have much advice because what I suggeste to my SIL didn't work (my BIL gets defensive too).
My only suggestion would be to talk to him when you're not frustrated, and maybe come at him with a more, could you do x, y, z more often vs. what he doesn't do. Maybe he won't get defensive that way.
I'm so sorry he hasn't really taken your DD out...that's so special and fun for my DH. He's a firefighter, so home 2/3 days (when he's not working his 2nd job) and tries to take her to open gym at Gymbo every day he can. But I think his capability comes from the fact that after my leave was up, I went back to work and he was home alone with her on his off days..he was forced to do it. Now that I'm laid off, he does defer to me more for decision making but the one thing I LOVE about my DH is that he'll come in and say, ok, give me a job, what do you need me to do? Even if it's nothing, him asking means the world...maybe say that to your DH?
I wish. I signed up for a gym program, and he said he would watch her. Now it's always, i have to do hw, i'm tired, something. I know he is capable. It's so annoying. And the thing is, DD was his idea. He begged ME to TTC when I wanted to wait. Now he will act like it's a burden to do routine care (not all the time, but enough).
When you talk to him, use "I feel" statements. I feel disrespected when..., I feel unappreciated when..., and give specific examples.
I agree that you need to toss him in and let him fend for himself. That's the fastest way my H learned.
I think men have difficulty multi-tasking. My husband has only taken our children out once by himself and that was to a doctors appt. However, in his defense, we have two children and it's a lot of work and overwhelming for me!
I think you need to sit down and tell him your frustrations. Whenever I bring something up to DH that I'm upset about, I try to stay really calm and use words such as "let's find a way together to fix the problem."
It also sounds like you need a break - who wouldn't! Maybe setting a designated time for you to get out of the house would be useful too. Not only will you get a break, but DH might get a clearer picture of what you do on a daily basis. Good luck!
I do this. I mean., he's not useless or anything, but if I do the 'will you fix the bottle while i get her dressed' sometimes he will just fine, but sometimes he grumbles and asks if he has to. ffs, she's his child too, you know?? should i have to do everything? come on.
all i ask is that he take on something without acting like i'm his mother ordering him around, with a teenager's eyerolling response.
Ugh, I'm sorry. The resentment is not fun, is it? My DH is really very good about playing with DS, but I still feel like I do the bulk of the childcare & housework, and I start to feel resentful too, sometimes.
The thing that works best for us is when I ask him which thing he wants to do - do you want to clean up from dinner or get DS ready for bed tonight? Do you want to change the diaper or prep DS's lunch? Will you fold laundry or put DS down for a nap? Etc. There are a few things he NEVER does (bathtime, especially), but otherwise he's usually willing to do one of the things I suggest.
I also had to stop expecting him to do it on my timetable. He is pretty good about cleaning up the dinner dishes, but sometimes they sit on the table for an hour before he gets to them. I was irritated one night because they weren't done by the time I bathed DS and put him to bed, and DH said, "Relax, I told you I'd do it, and I will!" And he did. So I've tried not to put a timetable to it now, unless I really need something done immediately, and then I say so. (I often have to tell him that things with DS need done quickly - as in, he needs to go down for a nap within the next 15 minutes - or he'll wait an hour and DS is falling apart b/c he's so tired.)
Er...sorry so long. Maybe it helps a little?
What if, instead of having to go to the gym, you had to do a "work" event every Wednesday. Then he can't argue with that, you go to the gym (or mall or movie), and he gets comfortable/appreciative of everything it takes to care for your DD.
I SAH, so there's no 'work' to have a thing for...
I do plan to take some classes in the fall so he's going to have to do more. I won't be able to study all while he's at work.
I could've written this post myself, even down to the grumbling under his breath about having to do things. It used to be that my DH worked 2 jobs so I didn't mind all of the things I had to do, and I WOH too. Now, he doesn't work 2 jobs but he's been kind of lax about his parental/household responsibilities.
I hope someone here knows the right answer.
Because you're a SAH mom I think there's a level of expectation from him that its your job and you have to do it. I also think he sounds a bit tired and lazy from his day. I am a working mom and I wind up doing the brunt of the evening work because well, I enjoy it. I ask DH for specific things or give him a choice like the posts above. But I generally try to be organized and have a quick meal prepared so the three of us sit and he and I have a beer and chat in the evenings while DS plays with us.
I think you're giving him a hard time. You've mentioned that he does do things like play with her while you're cooking and i think you almost have to resign yourself to the fact that you are going to do be doing most of the work. Also, I don't truly believe fathers have excellent relationships until the child is at least 2. at this point he's probably just not feeling that bonded to her in the sense of wanting to hang out with her but that will change as she gets older.
I wouldn't bring any of his upbringing and fathers and role model stuff when you talk to him about this. That's just beating a dead horse and is unproductive. Compliment him on the good things he does. I also wouldn't count the time he takes her out by himself because it should be more of when you all go out. But it sounds like since you're a SAHM you need a break.
I absolutely couldn't disagree more. You don't have to resign yourself to anything. It took 23 chromosomes from each of you to create DC. A marriage is a partnership. If you resign yourself to doing most of the work, you're resigning yourself to the position of a doormat.
Bullsh!t. Being a SAHM doesn't mean that you become DH's servant or maid. It doesn't mean you live a life that requires you to do most of the work. It DOES mean that you do DIFFERENT work than your DH. But that doesn't absolve him from doing any of the work. And it certainly doesn't absolve him from grumbling about having to do it.
I also disagree that they don't have a strong bond or excellent relationships until 2. Different? Yes. Less than excellent? Also bullsh!t.
thank you. he watches her while i cook dinner if he wants to eat. it is impossible to do without having to listen to her have a hissy fit at my feet or in the other room. it does not kill him to play with his daughter for 20 minutes. I'm not going to resign myself to anything. I've seen some of the monsters created from the school of wife does everything. NO way am i spending my life that way.
and the reason i mentioned his dad in this post is because HE brings it up. I don't just say, 'dh, i know your dad was a jerk. and you are like him in these ways.' geez. i try to ask in the nicest way i can think of. he's a parent too!
What about you two sitting down and designating specific jobs? Sometimes, that works best to resolve issues of who is going to do what. Since you're doing it all now you might as well give him the option of which job he'd like to pick. For example, he's dish guy or bathtime guy. Then whatever you do don't ever do his job for him and don't criticize the way he does it. He might take ownership of his role as Daddy then.
PS, I am in no way the wife that does it all. I just think you're living in a bubble if women think they're going to split the houseduty and childrearing roles 50/50 evenly. I think women always do the majority because, as the PP stated, we can multi-task!
DH does some of what you mentioned, but not to that extent. I also get frustrated because I feel like I have to ask my DH to do stuff for DS...he doesn't usually take the initiative. When DH comes home, he gives DS a hug/kiss and then changes his clothes and goes online. He'll play with DS while I cook, but many times I have to "remind" him.
I've set the evening routine so that he is more hands on...I prepare everything for DS's dinner and feed him when needed, but DH cleans him up afterward. I bathe DS, but DH dries him off and gets him into his PJs. I fill up his bottle, but DH gives it to DS and then puts DS to bed. I think you should try to set something like this up with your DH.
I'd also recommend getting out of the house so your DH has to step up. Once or twice a month make plans to have dinner with your friend(s). Make sure to go at your DC's dinner time, so that your DH is responsible for handling everything. Good luck!
I disagree with this, and I also disagree with your post above. Both DH and I work. He picks up Seth from daycare and watches him while I cook dinner, or we trade. Whether DH cooks or not, he does the dishes. I unload/put away. I clean bathrooms, he cleans appliances and vacuums. We each do our own laundry and take turns running Seth's things through the wash. DH bathes Seth every single night, and I generally nurse Seth to sleep, but DH looks forward to the nights when I'm out because he gets to "nurse the baby" (said with a wink and referring to giving a bottle). We each straighten the house and do housework while the other is doing his or her part of the bath/bedtime routine, so that once DS is down for the night, we are free to spend time together without tasks to accomplish.
Marriage is a partnership. I am not fond of partnerships that aren't equal. Yes, we have different strengths, but we put those to work in the ways that benefit us the most. If I end up doing "extra" things, then those are simply the things that I like to do (buy Seth's clothes) and prefer to do myself. I don't think that my marriage is for everyone, but it is what DH and I enjoy. It sounds like Jen isn't happy with the way hers is working, so I don't think she needs to resign herself to unhappiness.
Ditto. Are there times when I do more? Yes. There are also times with DH does more.
Also, I'd still like you (carrie) to respond to your statement that dad's don't have a solid relationship until 2.
I worked for a while then became a SAHM. I did do more around the house when I became a SAHM, but he still helped with the house and DS.
Also, DS is 14 months old and him and DH have a great relationship. DH plays with him a lot and DS loves DH so much. He even looks around the house saying "Dada" when DH is at work.