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3rd Trimester
BeanieWeanie
member
Another Mom vent - apparently mine knows EVERYTHING...
BeanieWeanie
member
...and I have no idea how to raise a child. Maybe I should just squeeze him out and hand him over to her, since she'll obviously do a much better job looking after him than I possibly could.
I was just talking to her about the things I have left to buy - I want a Boppy for nursing and then later figured I could use it for tummy time and/or propping LO up when he's learning to sit by himself (to avoid toppling accidents). She said it was a waste of money, you don't need a pillow to nurse and "tummy time sounds like some new buzz word waste of time." I told her tummy time was important b/c (aside from assisting with gross motor development) babies who spend too much time on their backs get flat heads. I work in a daycare and know numerous babies have to wear helmets for this very reason. She tells me "yes, but you haven't raised them" and that only parents with flat heads have babies with flat heads. This went on for a while. She also said we should just buy second hand things, because that's what she did. Surely it's up to me and DH whether we want to do that or not? And it's not like we're over spending anyway - I've been super disciplined at researching everything before I buy it to get it cheapest, and we're doing without a lot too.
Anyway, this is stressing me out also because she's coming to stay for five weeks to help with the baby (planned long ago, before she started dolling out her helpful "advice" - plane tickets are booked, etc.). Last time she saw DH she spoke to him like he was a child, tried to give him advice on his career (he's a software engineer - something she knows nothing about) and manners - the man is 27 years old. It really bothers me when she's not nice to him.
I don't know what to do about this - any advice on dealing with menopausal, largely irrational mothers would be very much appreciated. I can't talk to her since she'll just get upset but I was thinking maybe a well-worded email or something. WDYT?
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Re: Another Mom vent - apparently mine knows EVERYTHING...
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i got flamed by my mom via emails after i told her i was going to attempt a non-medicated birth, followed by breastfeeding. i just sent a calm, polite explanation and left it at there - despite her many other obnoxious comments/emails. but then...she's probably not going to visit us for a very long time.?
maybe if you had talk with her? sounds easier said than done, but it seems you need to get some boundaries set up before she descends on your home!!!?
I am sure it would be hard, but if it were me, I would have to tell her now what you expect from her coming to "help" you. That she treats you and DH with respect and she realizes that this is your child to raise.
I think that holding it in and being pissed for the whole time she is there (not that you don't have the right to be) will not let you enjoy the time you have with your LO.
If she can't respect that, she shouldn't be staying with you and just stressing you out.
Alot easier said than done, I know!
Well, my mother is post menopausal and irrational and tells me that I know nothing either - so I know how you feel. This is from the woman who told me I need to 'better myself' by getting a masters degree (she has a GED, BTW, gotten due to bribery by my dad when she was 28 with "I'll buy you a new car"). I digress.
The best way that I have found to deal with the mother is to not be around her. I limit my interactions with her and a few years ago I FIRMLY stood up to her and her ways and she has respected me since (after about 10 months of no contact). That's what worked in my situation. That may not work for you though. You just need to stand your ground and not let her push you around. This is YOUR and your DH's child and YOU BOTH should make the child rearing decisions - no one else. And this should be made clear to her.
I'm sorry you have to deal with a mother like this.
Ugh, that sucks. I thought I might be in for that when my MIL questioned why we can't put the baby down on his/her stomach because "both of my babies always slept on their bellies and they're fine."
Cue: small HEART ATTACK. Immediately I was thinking, YOU ARE NEVER WATCHING OUR CHILD. But, I explained how the incidence of SIDS has dropped 50% since those guidelines have been established and sent her an article on it and she was actually grateful for the information.
I think, for she and I, there will just be a lot of so-much-has-changed-in-35-years types of conversations.
I mean my husband and I weren't even brought home from our respective hospitals in car seats -- but that doesn't mean it was a GOOD IDEA.
My mom told me about a friend that said " now they have this new fad where babies are suppose to only sleep on their backs" so her friend proceeded to tell her how when she babysits and the parents are not around she lays the baby on its stomach and when the parents come home she'll turn the baby on its back so she won't get caught.
I told my mom please don't get crazy ideas, and we both laughed it off but inside now i wonder if my mom will try to pull off similar stunts when she babysits.
With all due respect to your mother she is completely wrong and you are correct on the importance of Tummy Time. It is especially critical to have tummy time now that the AAP is recommending that infants sleep on their backs to reduce the risk of SIDS. By spending so much time on their backs it is delaying gross motor development and children are learning to crawl and walk later because their not building stomach muscles early enough. Tummy Time helps to counteract this phenomenon. I'd go to the American Academy of Pediatrics web site download some articles and email them to her.
I'm a bit older so I'm a lot less concerned with confronting people (especially parents and in laws), but if you have it in you (I know it can be tough standing up to ones mother.) I'd lay some ground rules for the visit. Even fish stinks after a week - 5 weeks is a long time. Make sure you tell her how much you apprieciate her helping, however things have changed a lot since she gave birth and there are lots of ways to parent - she need to respect your choices and be respectful to your husband in his home.
Honestly, the first couple of times the flash back will be ugly, but eventually the pay-off will be worth it. You don't want to go through life always being treated like her kid - at some point she needs to see you as an adult, wife and mother.
I just did this, and added in as nice a way as I could that I really appreciate her advice but think that my experience working with babies & toddlers for the past 3 years is also useful and therefore would really like it if we could both give each other input without getting upset.
I would talk to her if I thought it would get us anywhere, but it never does. I tried a couple of times because she would bicth about DH to me and I didn't like it, but she took it as me attacking her and it just made it worse. Maybe I will try when she's actually here, rather than over the phone.
Thanks for all your input ladies!
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She sounds like a winner.
*As for tummy time- ask her if she has a masters degree in education because you are right on. Stimulation at an early age is an essential part of a child's development and tummy time is part of that. Not only is it stimluation but it helps to develop their neck muscles. (Think about it- when babies crawl they are on their tummy.) (Free advice from a M.A.Ed in Special Education)
*As for buying stuff 1st or 2nd hand- that is your choice. (If you buy second hand you and DH can save some money and buy her a ticket home.)
5 weeks!! Good luck. If you weren't breast feeding I'd tell you to drink.