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Adoption
HTT - How to deal with Birth Mother's pain
Hi all,
It's been awhile!! G and I just had our mandatory adoption seminar this weekend and it was intense!! We met with adoptive couples, birth mothers, saw a video of a birth mother placing a child into the arms of an adoptive mother at the hospital. etc.
I never believed that birth parents were like "la di da, anyone want my baby?" but I never really thought about / understood the depth and the impact of the pain that they experience. And it terrifies me, on two levels.
1) the idea that if they are in so much pain that they will revoke consent and we will have to give the baby back (there is a 10 day window where I live)
2) just the confusion that I know I will feel.... extreme joy at finally becoming a mother coupled with extreme pain at knowing what another woman is going through. And though I know this is a plan she has made and we will establish a relationship to the best of our abilities, I still can't help but wonder if I will always feel like I stole something from another woman.
It's just something I have to process, but wanted to ask:
1) what are things that you do (or plan to do) to alleviate the guilt/pain?
2) what are some ways that you (or plan to) honour the birth parents?
3) if you have experience in an open adoption, what are some things that both parties did that made it easier to cope?
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Re: HTT - How to deal with Birth Mother's pain
What really helped us 'prepare' for meeting a birth mother and what might happen when the baby is presented to us is watching Adoption Stories on TLC. They cover all paths in adoption: DA, IA, FA ... but the DA ones really touched us. And, of course we cried every time but you get to hear from the birth family and understand their perspective better.
I also want to add in here that we are not the right people to 'deal with' a birth mother's pain. Often times, she is the only one who can understand and 'deal with' that. But this is the reason we chose an agency which provides free of service, for as long as the BM needs, counseling and support services both over the phone and in-person (when possible). We wanted to make sure that she was taken care of before, during and after with all the emotions that she would have.
Anyway.
1) the idea that if they are in so much pain that they will revoke consent and we will have to give the baby back (there is a 10 day window where I live)
I think that their pain is bitter-sweet just as your joy is bitter-sweet. They love their baby - lack of love is not the reason nor is loving them so much the reason for their placing the baby for adoption. They know that, for what ever their reasons are, that adoption is the best thing for the child and that their child will have a better life than one that they could provide.
There is always a chance that a birth family will revoke their consent. The national average is 20% disruption but this number decreases AFTER relinquishment is signed. However, each agency can have their own rates - I would find out what your specific agency's failure rate is. If they say they don't know or dont keep track - they are lying lol and IMO not worth working with.
2) just the confusion that I know I will feel.... extreme joy at finally becoming a mother coupled with extreme pain at knowing what another woman is going through. And though I know this is a plan she has made and we will establish a relationship to the best of our abilities, I still can't help but wonder if I will always feel like I stole something from another woman."
I never felt like I stole another persons baby. But I did remember feeling BEFORE we went to the hospital (since we met our son after he was born). The BM presented our son to us in the hospital lobby. It was surreal. Before that moment I was all worried about ..."what we just walk out of the hospital with her baby" ... but when that moment came - it didn't feel awkward at all. It was sad, wonderful and beautiful.
As sad as it was - it was also very beautiful to watch our birth mother help DH put DS in his car seat and for his BM to sit in our car with him and say her good byes. All I thought was ... so much love she has for him - how could we not feel love for her too!
1) what are things that you do (or plan to do) to alleviate the guilt/pain?
I don't know about others but I really think that as pre-adoptive parents 'we' thought too much about these issues. Maybe over-thought them because what you imagine is different sometimes than what actually happens or how you feel is different.
I honestly did not feel any guilt or pain because even though I know it was hard for her - our BM was stead-fast in her decision. She obviously loved DS but she wanted something better for him.
Once you first become a parent - you don't get a lot of time to reflect. I think it was probably two weeks before DH and I finally had a moment where we could sit and reflect on everything that happened. But when you do have those brief moments for reflection all you see is the beauty. Yes, it is sad for the BM but what she did was so beautiful.
2) what are some ways that you (or plan to) honour the birth parents?
The best thing we can do to honour our BM is to do our absolute best to provide for and properly raise our son.
She sacrificed so that we could have this wonderful baby in our lives. The most honorable thing we can do is do what she would have wanted to do herself.
Too often I hear from post-adoptive couples about what a pain it is to send pictures and letters to their BM. It's as if a light switches after adoption and they just want to forget that they adopted and want to move on with their lives as a family. So ... honor your birth mother by keeping your word about contact and PUT EFFORT and joy into writing her letters and putting together pictures for her.
We also honored her by the middle name we selected for our son.
3) if you have experience in an open adoption, what are some things that both parties did that made it easier to cope?
Our adoption is 3/4ths open. I think that you have to make sure that the BM knows what you envision for contact. Again with the respect and honoring of the BM - keep your word. Don't make promises or agree to something that you dont think you can maintain. For example: if she asks if getting together twice a year is okay. Dont say yes, for the sake of 'getting the baby'. If you dont think you would be open to twice a year meetings then dont promise that.
From what I have heard from BMs in semi to open adoptions the most painful aspect is when adoptive parents break their promises or re-neg on some aspect of what was assumed or agreed upon.
1) what are things that you do (or plan to do) to alleviate the guilt/pain? I believe that communication is the only way you can get through this. I don't think that you get through the entire process without feeling some sympathy for your birthmother, but having honest communication where she is comfortable talking about it with you (and not just a counselor -- b/c I believe if she isn't comfortable talking to you, no matter how much counseling she receives, she may have unresolved feelings that she bottles up b/c she doesn't feel like she can express them to YOU) is the best scenario. Sometimes we'll hear things that are painful for us to hear, but in the end, everyone involved is doing what they feel best is for the baby in that particular situation. Our birthmother has expressed that she will feel emotional and may cry and that we shouldn't let that upset us because they will be tears of many emotions, not just pain and we shouldn't feel guilty. It was a beautiful thing for her to share with us.
2) what are some ways that you (or plan to) honour the birth parents? By keeping our promises to our birthmother. (The father is out of the picture, before anyone flames me. I'm not intentionally not mentioning him.) She made a few requests and we will keep them: 1) if the baby is a girl, she provided a middle name (it is also her middle name), 2) they have a traditional homecoming outfit in their family, and we will carry on that tradition, and 3) she would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with our family and her family, and 4) she would like us to call her each year around the baby's birthday.
3) if you have experience in an open adoption, what are some things that both parties did that made it easier to cope? Again, communication is the key. The rollercoaster of emotions (especially if you're matched with a wait and it's very open) is enormous. Both of our lives changed drastically with a 5 minute phone conversation and suddenly our lives, however complicated they might be, were irrevocably tangled together and the baby isn't even here yet. It's messy but wonderful to be establishing this relationship with our birthmother and her family. I would say to also keep in mind that the level of openness is up to HER, not you. If you don't like the level of openness she desires, you need to decline the match. That's not the decision you get to make. Our adoption is 100% open at this point. She has stated that her wish is only to talk to us around the baby's birthday in the beginning, but that she doesn't want pictures or letters or emails. She actually called it a "thank you" call. So just be open to listen to what she wants -- the best compliment she paid us was that we listened more than we talked.
It sounds like you are going through quite a bit of what I went through and still do on some days!! BMs give us such an amazing gift it is not easy to not feel like you our in debt to them for the rest of your life.
1) what are things that you do (or plan to do) to alleviate the guilt/pain? We have a very open relationship with the whole bio family...including aunts, cousins and even great grandparents! This has helped us quit a bit. They will say things like we are so proud of the whole situation and that shows to me that it has been a positive to all involved.
2) what are some ways that you (or plan to) honor the birth parents? They are part of our family quite a bit. Like Ad's first b-day is this weekend and they will be there just like mine and DHs family will be. We also have a website that I update photos on every month. This was something the bio family really wanted and we were more then happy to do.
3) if you have experience in an open adoption, what are some things that both parties did that made it easier to cope? The first few days of our adoption was kinda a mess! Ad's bio mother actually came and stayed with us for a few days. I honestly think that was the best thing for our relationship. It gave her confidence that we were going to be able to take care for the baby and gave us confidence that BM was going to be a part of Ads life. I think just building a very solid foundation to the relationship is the best option.
I guess in closing what has helped the pain is just to be open and honest about it and talk about it with everyone involved. Plus the open adoption plan we have has really helped all sides of that pain I think.
Oh I totally agree. My intent was not "how to deal with her own pain" but more "how will I deal with the pain of seeing her in so much pain".
We are very early in our process, and the realities of DA are just opening up to me so I think this is an important one for me to explore with my own feelings. I'm trying to visualize it as much as possible. I very much want an open arrangement and think it would be amazing to continue a long term relationship with the birth family so I'm trying to stand in their shoes... and I'm seeing that it is a very painful place to be, much more than I thought.
To be honest I did experience a lot of what you are talking about and wasn't expecting to. I never watched any videos and had no clue. I had never even been in a maternity ward. The whole thing was surreal. I was very emotional and the pain of our BM was overwhelming for me at times. I sobbed through the whole signing of our papers.?
1) I don't feel guilty about being my son's mom. We talked at length with both birthparents and extended family and found that they felt guilt about asking us "to take on their responsibility". Hearing how each of us felt helped to alleviate those feelings on both sides. We both felt like we had been given a gift. Open communication is the key, as others have mentioned.
2) Honor by living up to promises. There were some things asked of us and we told them what we honestly felt comfortable with. I think the BM felt relieved because I would guess it showed we meant what we said and wouldn't overpromise. Not only does she look forward to updates but so do we. We can't wait to share all the experiences (vacations, sports, parenting styles, etc.) that we had discussed and planned with her. ?
3) We spent a LOT of time together in the hospital. A lot of alone time without the social workers where we had open conversations. The BM gave us some parenting tips that she had used. For her getting to see us learning to be parents in front of her seemed to bring about a sense of peace for all of us. We didn't want to disappoint her. ?We also brought our laptop into her hospital room and spent a while just showing her a ton of pictures of our life. She had seen a lot from our profile, but she loved looking at his nursery and photos from trips we had taken. It gave her an opportunity to feel more connected with the life he would be entering.?
The reality of DA is that you can think about every situation or way that something can go and chances are it will go differently.
We visualized and watched shows that displayed the process of BMs being in pain and agnozing over their decision. We tried to prepare ourselves by talking with psychologists who specialize in adoption.
In the end, we had a situation were the BM was not visually in pain. She was confident and self-assured in her decision. She received much counseling and it helped her get to the place she needed to be. There were tears but it was not the full out sobbing tears that you imagine and visualize - though others who have gone through the process on this board have experienced that level of emotion with the 'exchange' of parental rights.
Trying to stand in the BM's shoes is a good way to see her side and to understand what a gift she is giving you and what sacrifices she is making - first and foremost for the child. I get so upset when I hear adoptive families minimize birth parents (including birth fathers) and then ignore then post-adoption.
I just think that you have to keep a healthy perspective and balance. You can't force a relationship with a BM and therefore, each situation is different. While it may be healthy and productive for some BMs to develop the ability to lean on the adoptive family during her grieving process - in other situations that might not be as healthy. Ultimately, I believe BMs need a third, independent party to help them work through their feelings.
Anyway ... done rambling.
ITA, and thank you for posting this. In order to process things I usually look at them from every extreme and this is a big one for me. I want so desperately to honour the choice the birth parents are making and I am surprised that I have a little teeny hidden insecurity that is suddenly popping up that says "my god, I hope that we're enough for them and I hope that we can live up to what they want for their child"
I completely agree though that when the time comes I need to focus on the child and what is best for them and let the birth parents work with supports on their own and just be there to honour their wishes for contact and other special things that might be meaningful. One instance I have heard of is that a birth mother I met gave her little girl a blanket for the adoptive family to take home and it is still with her 15 years later. Our agency offers unlimited free counselling pre and post placement for birth parents and I am very grateful for that.
As a birthmom, I will share my thoughts.
1. Each birthmom is different. In the state where I lived there was a 10 day rescind period, that entire time I was on bedrest due to having an emergency c/s. I kept busy by working on a cross stitch for her. Yes, I did cry a lot during that period, that is a given. There is nothing the adoptive family could have said or done to take away any of that pain. What helped me was keeping busy, and thinking about how wonderful the gift of those hospital days were. I never had guilt or regrets, I knew that adoption was the best thing for her, me, and the birth father. Nothing could change that.
2. I know that things happen for a reason. I never once thought during that 10 days that I wanted to change my mind. Just a bit of background, my daughter was born 2 weeks prior to Sept 11, 2001. My 10th day was Sept 10th. I can tell you that if Sept 11th, had happened 1 day prior...I would have been on the phone to the agency to rescind. Now, I do not say that to scare anyone looking to do a DA. It is more a reflection and a fact, that God works in mysterious ways and while Sept 11th was a horrible tragedy, it occurred at exactly the right moment for me. It helped me accept and move on.
3. As a birthmom, I looked forward to the letters and pictures I received regularly. I loved the visits I was able to have with the family, and see how she was growing up. Those were my saving grace.
I am not sure if this helps, but those are my thoughts.
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
I can only say that it sounds like you're starting to "get it" (re: the loss aspect, the grief, etc.). I don't mean that disrespectfully -- I think most of us get to that point when we step back and go "Whoa... this isn't ALL happy or easy."
Some disconnected thoughts --
The concern of consent being revoked: I hear what you're saying, and I feared that, too. But I also got to a point of understanding the magnitude of the choice at hand, and that *my* desires were least important at that point. What matters in those moments is baby's best interest and bio mom's choice. If she knows the choice to relinquish is the *right* choice, it still won't make it easy, and it will still be incredibly painful, but she will know that it's right. She's not making the choice for herself, she's doing it for her baby and what she feels is in his/her best interest... so going through the understandable pain of relinquishment won't necessarily change circumstances.
The confusion: Yes, it is a whirlwind of emotions!! I know it sounds awful, but happiness and joy were pretty far down on my emotional list in those first few days and weeks. Those DID come, but in the beginning, it is all about survival and coping from a traumatic experience. Or it was for me, anyway. I definitely felt a lot of guilt.
Have to go, but will try and come back later to answer your other questions!
Ok, I'm back (even though it's the next day now).
To answer your questions at the end (from our experience anyway):
1. Some of the other ladies said that there's really nothing you can do to take away the guilt and pain. I'd pretty much agree with that. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom, but from MY experience, placement was SO emotional and SO difficult... I really had a hard time with guilt, wondering if we were doing the right thing, fearing DD would grow up to hate us, guilt over "taking someone's baby away," etc. I don't think anything could have really prepared me for the emotions that I would feel. I think it would have helped a LOT to have an agency that understood my feelings and supported me, instead of the one that we had that chose to attack and demean us instead. But that's another story.
Basically, we just had to let time pass and allow that to "heal" the wounds. Dealing with the emotions of everything was very similar to experiencing the death of a loved one, in a way. It doesn't ever go away completely, but you can begin to function again with time and "accept" even the painful parts of life.
2. Honoring is all about keeping your promises to them. This is why it's SO important not to promise anything you can't keep. Send updates on time and put your best effort into them. Be thoughtful in the pictures you choose to send. Respond to emails and letters in a timely fashion, and remember how nerve-wracking it can be on their side of things. I send our daughter's mom a small gift for Mother's Day (she is also parenting a child, so that was an "easy" decision for us) and for her birthday, just to let her know we are thinking of her. I send her a card and a little gift for herself and for her parented child at Christmastime. DD's only had one birthday, but we invited her to the party b/c we wanted her to feel she was an important member of the family who was welcome to participate. She chose not to come, and we understand that, but I'm glad that we at least extended the invitation.
Another issue in honoring -- treating her like a PERSON, with respect. We had a family member make a very off-the-cuff remark about DD's firstmom several months ago. It caught me so off guard that I didn't respond at the time, other than to stammer around about how that wasn't okay. I went back to that person later (after I'd had a chance to collect my thoughts and cool down b/c I was VERY angry!) and confronted them about it, explained why that was NOT an appropriate comment, how that made not only ME feel, but how things like that had the potential of hurting DD later in life, how DD's firstmom is a part of our family, that we love and respect her, and that we would NOT tolerate such commentary in the future. The person apologized and I think they understand better now. I really don't believe they meant any harm, but it was something that had to be nipped in the bud.
3. For DD's firstmom and myself, the MAIN source of healing in those initial emotional, confusing, and painful days was direct contact. She sent us the first email like two days after we got home, and I have never been so happy to hear from anyone in all my life!
We continued on with daily emails for a week or two, then it slowly tapered off (by her choice), so now we just let her take the lead in our contact. If it's been an exceptionally long time since hearing from her (maybe 3-4 months), I send her a brief email to ask how she's doing, how things are going for her, give her a short update on us, etc. I honestly don't think anything could have helped me heal more or bond with DD more than hearing from her bio mom in the beginning, and I know it was healing for her as well to hear from us.
We had a ceremony in the hospital chapel and I really think it helped connect us and provide closure. My mom and I read some poems and letters and lit a candle and they did the same. It was really special and I think helped all of us confront those bittersweet feelings.
I really wish they had not shared their joy at the passage of the revocation day. (They sent me a picture of her with her 'first bouquet of flowers' and explained that it was the 15th day)
BM's need counseling. It was really important in my healing.
I totally agree with the importance of keeping your word in an open adoption. Renegotiation was traumatic for me. IMO it's fine to say, Yeah, that sounds good, can we pencil it in though and discuss it again XXX because I'm not sure how we'll be feeling then.