I am just so livid and hurt!!

July_2009 · June 2009

You should talk to your husband about having this friend stay in a hotel close by. If he does not listen or gets defensive you have to figure out why he is giving this woman more importance at this stage. Is the woman going through some troubles, have your guys offered her the stay before you knew you were pregnant, is she a very close family friend who helped you guys out during your troubles? If it is none of these, I dont see a reason why she should live with a couple who is about to have a baby. Is the coming to help you guys out with post delivery process, like a doula? who is she?

AutumnBride929 · June 2009

NDwife07:

Then again, we're not even letting family stay with us after the baby is born, so maybe i'm just an evil wench.

Hahaha, I love it. I don't blame you. By the way, I'm from Grand Rapids! I miss it.

belladee08 · June 2009

Mil so missed the big picture.. Try and hang in there and good luck!!!

orion09 · June 2009

BearkatLou:
A) I'm not sure I would have ever brought MIL into the issue

It's obvious DH doesn't care about your feelings because he is so obviously not taking into account that you are 1) his wife 2) going to be post-baby 3)not into having her over

C) He is defending this "friend" of his over his own wife. This makes him a douchebag.

D) Not trying to instill insecurity, but seriously??? With his behavior, I'd question if this chick was really just a "friend"

this!! especially (C)

janice74 · June 2009

BuddhaKitty:
?
Yes about staying with you all would be a wee bit cramped but if she were to stay somewhere else then he would spend time commuting back and forth getting her to come over to see you and the baby! Do understand what i am saying? Relax and if I sense anything,I will be the first one to say so .

Have you heard the saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" ?It really sounds like she is trying to tell you to do that. ?If this "friend" gets a hotel room then you and MIL can't keep an eye on the two of them.

I really honestly agree that the two of you need counselling. It also sounds to me like the MIL is WITH you on this, but is trying to be loyal to her son.

BuddhaKitty · June 2009

July_2009:
You should talk to your husband about having this friend stay in a hotel close by. If he does not listen or gets defensive you have to figure out why he is giving this woman more importance at this stage. Is the woman going through some troubles, have your guys offered her the stay before you knew you were pregnant, is she a very close family friend who helped you guys out during your troubles? If it is none of these, I dont see a reason why she should live with a couple who is about to have a baby. Is the coming to help you guys out with post delivery process, like a doula? who is she?

She's no doula. She's not there to help. He's known her for... a year or two. She's never helped us out through any troubles or anything specific. She's just a friend of his who wants to see the baby. Can you believe this shiit?

The way it happened is that DH *told* me she is coming. Didn't ask me. But just *told* me. If I said no, he would have gone off on me about my "insecurities". Backtrack - there has been one co-worker/friend of his (not her) in which I was suspicious of her intentions, so I was insecure about HER. But if I had said no to this friend staying with us, he would have wipped out the ole' "OH YOU'RE INSECURE AGAIN" bit.

Update: He just texted me telling him he told his friend, MIL and SIL not to come. Now he's just blowing things out of proportion to make me look like the evil biitch.

Mr. & Mrs. G · June 2009

Jimsgirl5821:

and also no one has brought this up..but what chick decides to stay with a couple (one of which she barely knows) while they are about to be having a baby? So if you go into labor while she's staying there is she supposed to come to the hospital too b/c you guys have to entertain her? And is DH gonna stay at the hospital with you or be expected to stay home cause you cant leave the guest alone? If I was this friend I would feel so out of place and would never in a million years accept DH's invitation.

This exactly!

July_2009 · June 2009

BuddhaKitty:
July_2009:
You should talk to your husband about having this friend stay in a hotel close by. If he does not listen or gets defensive you have to figure out why he is giving this woman more importance at this stage. Is the woman going through some troubles, have your guys offered her the stay before you knew you were pregnant, is she a very close family friend who helped you guys out during your troubles? If it is none of these, I dont see a reason why she should live with a couple who is about to have a baby. Is the coming to help you guys out with post delivery process, like a doula? who is she?

She's no doula. She's not there to help. He's known her for... a year or two. She's never helped us out through any troubles or anything specific. She's just a friend of his who wants to see the baby. Can you believe this shiit?

The way it happened is that DH *told* me she is coming. Didn't ask me. But just *told* me. If I said no, he would have gone off on me about my "insecurities". Backtrack - there has been one co-worker/friend of his (not her) in which I was suspicious of her intentions, so I was insecure about HER. But if I had said no to this friend staying with us, he would have wipped out the ole' "OH YOU'RE INSECURE AGAIN" bit.

Update: He just texted me telling him he told his friend, MIL and SIL not to come. Now he's just blowing things out of proportion to make me look like the evil biitch.

YAY...for him asking them not to show up. I guess it doesn't matter what he feels in the heat of the moment about you. The point is it makes no sense whatsoever to have a stranger dying to see your baby to the extent that they camp at your place. I am so glad he is asking them not to come. Don't buy into his emotional blackmail and tell him a stern.."I am so glad your friend will not be here during the birth because we wont be able to give our 100% anyways". But also why is he mixing the MIL/SIL and this random stranger into the same lot? Let him calm down , you also calm down and then have another discussion about this later on. For now...the great news is....she is not coming.YAY for you.

NKufferman · June 2009

I hear you. Who wants a house guest when they're either due or just had the baby. Unless of course it's someone that is coming to help you.

She seems to have missed your point. It doesn't sound like you mind her visiting - it's just the timing of it.

electricdoctor83 · June 2009

This is why I don't talk to my MIL about personal issues/decisions, especially if they involve my DH or our home and marriage. It never ends well....

chyscottbaby · June 2009

First off let me just say that I'm sorry you have to deal with this while being this pregnant. However, there is no way in hell that any of DH's friends or my friends would be welcome to stay with us or even visit for that fact while I am either just getting ready to deliever or have just delievered.

There is enough going on in your lives that any uneccessary intrusion just does not need to happen. The friend could very easily visit in a couple of months after everything gets settled. This is obviously not a jealousy or insecure isssue, it's a I'm having a baby and don't have time to entertain everyone else around me kind of issue.

I would certainly try to discuss this further with your DH. GL!

choltbaby · June 2009

I am so sorry you are having to go through with this. I can assure you that if my husband insisted on having a female friend come stay with us during that important bonding time there would be plenty of room for her because my tail (and my baby) would be outta there! There is no need for him to feel that the see the baby immediately, imo. I am also sorry your MIL is ok with this. Luckily, mine would not be.

JCsMomma · June 2009

janice74:

BuddhaKitty:

Yes about staying with you all would be a wee bit cramped but if she were to stay somewhere else then he would spend time commuting back and forth getting her to come over to see you and the baby! Do understand what i am saying? Relax and if I sense anything,I will be the first one to say so .

Have you heard the saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" It really sounds like she is trying to tell you to do that. If this "friend" gets a hotel room then you and MIL can't keep an eye on the two of them.

I really honestly agree that the two of you need counselling. It also sounds to me like the MIL is WITH you on this, but is trying to be loyal to her son.

This! If I were in this situation (not even regarding talking to MIL about it) I would be seeing some major red flags. It is not normal for a husband to want some random chick he's known for a year or two to be there around the birth of your child and stay in your home. I wouldn't want MY best friend of 20+ years to be there... it's a special time for me and my DH!

BuddhaKitty · June 2009

UPDATE: the text in << >> is her most recent response. Mine follows.

I should be a damn diplomat.

<<Hope that what you have written makes you feel better!!>>

It did and did not at the same time - I do not enjoy composing messages like that, especially to people I care about tremendously.

<<When you have time do go thru the entire mail again. What you wrote and what I replied and think it over................>>

Oh trust me, I did go through it before replying to you - over and over.

<<I am not being rude to you and have always been fair,though you may not agree with me.>>

My original message to you was a concern I had about having an extra guest staying at our place right before/right after Layla is born. What are my concerns about that? I will elaborate since I didn't the first time around. For one thing, I would like (DH) to initially focus on his child and his wife rather than focusing on entertaining a friend of his. THAT alone should be a good enough reason. You might think that we can juggle both of these things with ease, but I strongly feel that having a child for the first time is challenging enough without having to accommodate other people (family is the only exception). Secondly, your argument and *main concern* in your first reply was that he would have to shuttle her to-and-from. I don't mean to be rude, but aren't there going to be a lot more things to be concerned about rather than shuttling (his friend)? And:

1. Who says we have to shuttle *anyone*, besides who counts (family), when we are preparing for the arrival of our first baby?

2. Is (friend) not capable of staying in a hotel and RENTING a car for herself so that she does not need to be shuttled, also so that she can take herself sight-seeing if we get tied up with something and cannot be attending to her?

3. Is it so important that (friend) is here for the birth - can she not visit two, maybe three months later when things calm down, beacuse I would be more than happy to accommodate her at that time.

I think these are some very valid points and I am actually quite perplexed that you do not seem to understand this (maybe you do now? If so, good.) I think I have every right to have some, if not most of the "say" in how our home environment will be as I bring our first child into the world, don't you?

Those are my concerns, (MIL). But your response to my concerns? Completely and utterly accusatory of me being "insecure" about infidelity and that I am "driving my husband away". Then I wondered if this was your way of getting me to just sit down and shut up? I don't know, but that's not happening, because:

1. If my mild-tempered pregnancy hormones/outbursts are enough to "drive (DH) away", that would say a whole lot about the type of person he is; because, like I said before, there are MUCH WORSE ill-tempered pregnant women whose husbands still stand by their side. (Note: I strongly feel that he will want to keep our new little family all together as much as possible, as hard as it may seem at times).

2. He has had numerous outbursts at me while I was pregnant as well. He is not perfect. Repeat: He is NOT perfect. And neither am I. Another note: His imperfections are part of what makes me love him so damn much. There's a pretty deep meaning behind that but explaining it would cause me to go off on a tangent. I am a pretty sensitive person, but whoa, can you imagine how intense it is to be overcome with tons of pregnancy hormones as a sensitive person? His outbursts upset me, and I may have said some things back, yet I was not "driven away."

On another note, you always tell me to "make HIM happy, make HIM comfortable", and even to "Clean up the house" when I worked not one, but *two* jobs while pregnant. BUT - I trust that you tell him to do these same things for me? To help me out a little more because it is getting difficult for me to move, bend down, and otherwise do normal physical activity? If you tell him these things, great - thank you. If not, yet instead you are telling me to do these things for him, then I am sorry but that is just all kinds of wrong. I see marriage as a partnership which involves both parties contributing in maintaining the household, especially if both are working the same amount of hours per week. And if one should fall sick, or... pregnant... it is only fair that the other one makes up for what the other cannot do. Does this sound fair to you or not?

And you have always told me to come to you for "fair" advice. This is what I have done, and done so rationally. Yet 90% of the time you jump right to his defense, which is expected, because you are his mother - but to do this AND make grossly innaccurate assumptions (I'm referring again to your first response)? First of all I must say, I am getting a wee bit tired of being treated like I am an overreacting, psychotic witch every time I voice a concern. Which begs the question, have you raised (DH) to think that he could never, ever do any wrong? <--- if that question seemed totally insensitive, hurtful and uncalled for, then so was your statement about "driving him away" and my "insecurities". This question was meant for you to see how I felt yesterday as I read your message. Do you see what I mean?

I would like to end this message by saying that I can only hope you are able to see my perspective a little bit more clearly now. This was intended for you to hear (or read) what needs to be said. I am not crazy, (MIL). I am a hard-working, ambitious woman, I love my husband to death, I have learned to stand up for myself - aggressively, if needed (which I can thank (DH) for, because this is part of his personality that has rubbed off on me over the years, hehehe)... but most of all I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. Just because we butt heads occassionally, does not mean I want to exclude you from Layla's life. I want you to be there, to hold her, bond with her, and let your voice be one of the first voices she hears because you are her grandmother and she will love you just like we do.

Lots of Love,

Me

ctana · June 2009

BuddhaKitty:

UPDATE: the text in << >> is her most recent response. Mine follows.

I should be a damn diplomat.

<<Hope that what you have written makes you feel better!!>>

It did and did not at the same time - I do not enjoy composing messages like that, especially to people I care about tremendously.

<<When you have time do go thru the entire mail again. What you wrote and what I replied and think it over................>>

Oh trust me, I did go through it before replying to you - over and over.

<<I am not being rude to you and have always been fair,though you may not agree with me.>>

My original message to you was a concern I had about having an extra guest staying at our place right before/right after Layla is born. What are my concerns about that? I will elaborate since I didn't the first time around. For one thing, I would like (DH) to initially focus on his child and his wife rather than focusing on entertaining a friend of his. THAT alone should be a good enough reason. You might think that we can juggle both of these things with ease, but I strongly feel that having a child for the first time is challenging enough without having to accommodate other people (family is the only exception). Secondly, your argument and *main concern* in your first reply was that he would have to shuttle her to-and-from. I don't mean to be rude, but aren't there going to be a lot more things to be concerned about rather than shuttling (his friend)? And:

1. Who says we have to shuttle *anyone*, besides who counts (family), when we are preparing for the arrival of our first baby?

2. Is (friend) not capable of staying in a hotel and RENTING a car for herself so that she does not need to be shuttled, also so that she can take herself sight-seeing if we get tied up with something and cannot be attending to her?

3. Is it so important that (friend) is here for the birth - can she not visit two, maybe three months later when things calm down, beacuse I would be more than happy to accommodate her at that time.

I think these are some very valid points and I am actually quite perplexed that you do not seem to understand this (maybe you do now? If so, good.) I think I have every right to have some, if not most of the "say" in how our home environment will be as I bring our first child into the world, don't you?

Those are my concerns, (MIL). But your response to my concerns? Completely and utterly accusatory of me being "insecure" about infidelity and that I am "driving my husband away". Then I wondered if this was your way of getting me to just sit down and shut up? I don't know, but that's not happening, because:

1. If my mild-tempered pregnancy hormones/outbursts are enough to "drive (DH) away", that would say a whole lot about the type of person he is; because, like I said before, there are MUCH WORSE ill-tempered pregnant women whose husbands still stand by their side. (Note: I strongly feel that he will want to keep our new little family all together as much as possible, as hard as it may seem at times).

2. He has had numerous outbursts at me while I was pregnant as well. He is not perfect. Repeat: He is NOT perfect. And neither am I. Another note: His imperfections are part of what makes me love him so damn much. There's a pretty deep meaning behind that but explaining it would cause me to go off on a tangent. I am a pretty sensitive person, but whoa, can you imagine how intense it is to be overcome with tons of pregnancy hormones as a sensitive person? His outbursts upset me, and I may have said some things back, yet I was not "driven away."

On another note, you always tell me to "make HIM happy, make HIM comfortable", and even to "Clean up the house" when I worked not one, but *two* jobs while pregnant. BUT - I trust that you tell him to do these same things for me? To help me out a little more because it is getting difficult for me to move, bend down, and otherwise do normal physical activity? If you tell him these things, great - thank you. If not, yet instead you are telling me to do these things for him, then I am sorry but that is just all kinds of wrong. I see marriage as a partnership which involves both parties contributing in maintaining the household, especially if both are working the same amount of hours per week. And if one should fall sick, or... pregnant... it is only fair that the other one makes up for what the other cannot do. Does this sound fair to you or not?

And you have always told me to come to you for "fair" advice. This is what I have done, and done so rationally. Yet 90% of the time you jump right to his defense, which is expected, because you are his mother - but to do this AND make grossly innaccurate assumptions (I'm referring again to your first response)? First of all I must say, I am getting a wee bit tired of being treated like I am an overreacting, psychotic witch every time I voice a concern. Which begs the question, have you raised (DH) to think that he could never, ever do any wrong? <--- if that question seemed totally insensitive, hurtful and uncalled for, then so was your statement about "driving him away" and my "insecurities". This question was meant for you to see how I felt yesterday as I read your message. Do you see what I mean?

I would like to end this message by saying that I can only hope you are able to see my perspective a little bit more clearly now. This was intended for you to hear (or read) what needs to be said. I am not crazy, (MIL). I am a hard-working, ambitious woman, I love my husband to death, I have learned to stand up for myself - aggressively, if needed (which I can thank (DH) for, because this is part of his personality that has rubbed off on me over the years, hehehe)... but most of all I want to be the best mother I can possibly be. Just because we butt heads occassionally, does not mean I want to exclude you from Layla's life. I want you to be there, to hold her, bond with her, and let your voice be one of the first voices she hears because you are her grandmother and she will love you just like we do.

Lots of Love,

Me

OK, I am really confused. Did you have this entire conversation with your MIL?

If so, how on earth did she respond?

LVargovl · June 2009

I know I am in 2nd tri but I saw your post and I was thinking that even though you don't know his friend really well, maybe you could call her and explain the situation. It might piss your husband off, but at least his friend may be better able to understand why it wouldn't be a great time for her to visit. I wouldn't feel bad or weird doing that, it is your pregnancy and you should have a say about who is at your house during this special time. Maybe just explain to her that she could come and visit sometime after the baby is born...

LVargovl · June 2009

woops i guess i didn't read all of the posts...at least part of the problem is solved the friend isn't coming....in-laws....just be thankful they don't live with u... and you are not married to them, so although its nice to try to get along with them, all that really matters is you, your husband and your baby on the way. Good luck...hope everything works out

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I am just so livid and hurt!!

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