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Adoption
too thin skinned
ok, i realize i am sensitive but I get the meanest comments (all from strangers) about Grayden's adoption you could ever imagine...it bothers me so much (i lose sleep over it and thats not a nice thing when you are caring for a newborn).
anyone else?
How do you handle them? Am I just a wimp?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: too thin skinned
you really want to know? I can hardly type them they make me feel awful.
Paraphrasing here but things like "Grayden will never feel good enough b/c he is living in the shadow of his brother Brenham (uh who is not living but biological) and always feel like he was a way to "replace him" and "fill a void"
And I make someone feel sick because I took him away from his mother and i will never be as good of a mom as she would be.
adopted kids will suffer a lifetime of agony b/c they feel like adoption is second best to having biological children
just awful stuff like that. they dont know my heart and if they did they would know that Grayden is loved more than I ever imagined I could love someone and I know 100% i would love him just the same if he were bio. 100% honestly. But people don't believe that unless you are in the situation. Sad.
I?m a big believer in taking things from whence they come. These comments were obviously made by people with strong opinions about adoption, but who are either completely ignorant about it or could never understand the love that motivates most adoptive parents. Given that, my first reaction would be shock and hurt, but once I thought about it, I would realize that I don?t put any weight on their opinions and they couldn?t hurt me or in any way detract from the magical relationship with my child.
I would say these people are toxic, and I would do everything in your power to separate you and Grayden from future contact with them. The last thing you need is them spreading these types of untruths around your son or others with whom he?ll interact. Exposing him to such negative people would be the surest way to make him feel less than best.
Please, please, please don?t let these people hurt you. They are negative, hostile, and vile. They should have no power over you. YOU know the truth about your love for your son and how much he means to you. You also know the truth of how he came to you, and that you in no way extorted his birth family. Please do not let these insignificant people hurt you with their uneducated, hateful comments. They aren?t worth it.
And, Katie, I?m sorry it hurt to type that all out. I just wanted to make sure I had a firm grasp of what type of comments were being made in order to give you an honest answer. Thank you for indulging me.
I'm so sorry. People can just be cruel, but especially online when there's no "face" to the person throwing the insults.
You are not a wimp at all. Things like that are MEANT to bother someone. It's unfortunate that so many people are being hurtful.
You know I have lots of thoughts on adoption and the ethics that surround it all, but that in NO way means that you are a bad mother!
Grayden may go through some negative feelings about being adopted, and that is 100% NORMAL for adoptees to experience. But it isn't at all a reflection of your love and parenting him! I don't at all believe that adoptees are doomed to a second-class life, but I DO believe they have extra "stuff" to deal with (like I have infertility, you have the loss of Brenham, etc.). It doesn't mean you can't move past those things and have a fulfulling, happy life. It might mean there will be times of working through things, but it doesn't choose your "destiny," so to speak. Does that make sense?
I'm just rambling now... I haven't read these comments, but from what you're saying, I imagine this isn't what most people are trying to convey. I guess what I'm saying is -- you are a GREAT mother, you know that you love BOTH your sons equally (though maybe in different ways, as most parents of multiple children say). It's all too easy (maybe especially so in adoption) to let others make you feel inferior in the beginning. It happened to me, too, and while I can look back on it now and be disgusted at how I let it affect me, it was DEVASTATING at the time.
Adoption loss/grief is something totally separate from being able to be a great mommy. It may certainly be a part of who you are as a mom, but it doesn't mean you are any less of a mom because of it.
Have you thought about making your blog private, at least for a while? Or what about having comments moderated, and then having someone else weed out the bad ones for you so you don't have to see them (and neither does anyone else)?
Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry. People can be be so self-absorbed and hateful sometimes. I can't imagine what you went through with losing Brenham - and then to have some haters feel the need to comment on your adoption, too.
Remember 2 Samuel 22:33: It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. God arms us with His love to protect us from those who would seek to deter us from His path. Your path to parenthood included adoption and God would never have trusted you with the care of little Grayden if He didn't know that you were the right parents for him!
I know it's hard to ignore the hurtful comments, but think of all the positive feedback you receive on your blog! How many hundreds of strangers' lives have you inspired with your story? Take the love others are showing you and use it as your armor against those who don't know you and won't even try to educate themselves.
This makes me so angry.
But I understand why they bother you, even when they are from strangers. They would bother me too.
And after everything you've been through, you deserve to be happy about this blessed child and not be made to feel guilty!
I have no advice, but am sending big hugs your way!
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
i am so sorry you are dealing with this when you should be enjoying your baby. I am sure they are coming from someone ignorant who knows no better. You know in your own heart that you are a fabulous mom and that you will teach Grayden all he needs to know and that you love him dearly. That is all that matters.
((hugs))) to you.
I agree that you should make your blog private or disable comments. I know it is a pain to make it private (we had to do it) but it might give you piece of mind. I don't think you should feel like you owe the world details of his life now. You were generous to share your journey thus far with everyone.?
As for the folks that say you are replacing Brenham... you know I was shocked that people would have the nerve to say this, but I have a friend who people have said it to her face. She and her husband have two daughters and the third passed away after being born at 29 weeks last May. She just gave birth to her son a few weeks ago at 28 weeks. The comments she has gotten have been crazy. People asking if they were replacing their daughter. Someone even told them that at least this way they got the son they had always wanted and they wouldn't have if their daughter hadn't of died. Horrendous. I think some people are idiots. I know that doesn't help you, but take comfort in knowing their are idiots everywhere. ?
I have not received any typeo of negative comments like that. It sounds like some of these are from ppl who intimately know you and your family (friends and family)??
They would no longer be my friends and I would no longer consider them family and that would be the end of that.
I'm so sorry you have had these comments from such unsupporitve ppl. We have had 99.9% positive. Ugh.
I have followed your blog for a while - through all the things you have been through, and people making these comments to you infuriate me!
You are such a kindhearted, beautiful person! You have been very inspirational to others! I just cannot believe these rude people! I am sooo sorry you are dealing with this!
Breaks my heart to read this because I'm going through certain aspects of it as well; I've cried on her atleast twice about it.
How do I handle them? Some days I can handle the "abuse" better than some; and you will forever be a "wimp" because it hurts as much as we don't want it to. The thing is I thought I could just ignore these comments as I do with people with negativity in other areas of my life; but this is YOUR baby and you want to protect her from all of the bad people in the world.
So I don't have a ton of great advise because I'm on the same journey but from what I read these comments are not from strangers (or they would not know about you departed Bio child) so sit them down and talk, send a letter, write an email (thats what I did) make sure that they understand how you feel and most important what you will not tolerate.
((BIG HUG))