Need your opinions, please re: friend dilemma

californiafrog7905 · June 2009

Hope I can make this short, but I can't promise; I'm still upset about it.

So I have a friend I've known since we were kids; we were really close through college, and then we started to lose touch (more on her end; I tried to keep contact) and our lives went down different paths. I'm married with a baby now, and she's still single and going to law school after working in NYC for a while, etc.

My friend's grandmother passed away last week, and my friend called last Wednesday night to tell me and to say that she'd be in Atlanta this past weekend, and she wanted to see me and meet HC for the first time. Naturally, I was very sad for her loss (VERY long story short: this set of grandparents raised my friend from 9 years or so; her mother was seriously mentally ill, and I got to know the grandparents when we were kids. Went to the grandfather's funeral a decade or so, and then I also went to my friend's mom's funeral a couple of years ago, even though I didn't know her at all.), but also excited that my good friend would be in town and could meet my daughter, and we could catch up for however long she had. We made plans to have breakfast together Sunday morning. This was the same night that HC started getting sick, and I got so caught up in taking care of her that I pretty much forgot anything except to make sure I didn't make any other plans Sunday morning.

So something happened to the ashes in the mail, and I guess that screwed up the schedule of events or whatever, but regardless, my friend said she'd call me when she got into town Friday morning and let me know what was going on. Didn't hear from her then, but I assumed she was busy with family and would let me know what time she could meet Sunday. Saturday night I texted her to touch base and asked her to call me about the next morning. A second time Saturday night I texted and said I was going to bed and for her to call me about meeting.

I didn't ever hear from her. I had to find out on FACEBOOK that she was doing Sunday brunch with her family and then heading out of town. !!!!!

So basically she blew me off, and I was hurt and mad and confused. I finally texted her last night and basically asked, "WTF?" as nicely as I could, trying to be sensitive to the fact that her grandmother had just died. She wrote back something along the lines of, "things got really busy, you didn't attend the memorial service, and it just didn't work out."

??!?!?!? Since when does a death in the family make you forget your manners about making a stupid phone call???? And for the record, she never ASKED ME to come to the memorial service. I wouldn't have been able to anyways, with a sick baby, but she never even said she'd call me with details. Nothing.

So here's my question: Am I allowed to be pissed at her for completely blowing me off, or is she at all justified in being mad at me for not attending the service for her grandmother, thereby (somehow) justifying her not even calling me to cancel our Sunday morning plans?

Okay, this did get long....thanks for reading this far if you did! I think this friendship may have run its course, but I'm still nursing hurt feelings at being so completely ignored, when this so-called 'friend' went to all the trouble to call and let me know she was coming to town and wanted to see me and HC. Sigh....

missmlp · June 2009

I do understand she had death in the family but her actions were extrememly rude especially since she reached out to you. You should be more than pissed. But to be honest her selfishness is reason why you guys lost touch in the first place.

slwprincess · June 2009

It sucks when friendships fizzle out. It always makes things so awkward and then you start having to question everything and read between the lines. I do think it was rude of her to not even call you to let you know she couldn't make it when it was she who initiated the whole thing. And no, I don't think that you were rude for not going to the memorial service... if she had invited you or even given you the time, then maybe you could have sent flowers and apologized for not being able to leave a sick baby. But since she didn't even do that, I don't think it is fair for her to hold that against you at all. But, she does get a free pass for the whole grieving thing, you know? I think I'd just let this one blow over.

myrall · June 2009

I tend to agree with MissMLP. But being pissed will only take up more of your energy and time than is warranted. Obviously, she doesn't put as much stock into the relationship as you do.

I know it sucks, but I think you'll only make yourself madder the longer you stew on it. Try and let it go.

MLvK · June 2009

Here's what I would do:

Decide how important it is to salvage the friendship (it sounds like this isn't the beginning of the end). ?If its important to you, send her a card and say you are sorry for her loss, sorry you weren't able to connect on her visit and sorry that your friendship seems to be waning.

Put the ball in her court and if you don't hear from her, you will know how important the friendship is to her.

But don't beat around the bush. ?Be direct and clear about how you feel without pointing any fingers as to who is to blame for the distance.

Good luck. ? I think all friendships go through this, especially when life stages change in such different directions. ? I hope it can work out for you both. ?

bentpinkies · June 2009

When it comes to loss, people can be totally unpredictable in their reactions. Your friend may have had the best intentions - wanting to see you and meet your daughter - and then just got caught up in being with the rest of her family and grieving for her grandmother. I'd try not to be pissed at her for this. If her grandmother raised her, I can't even imagine how painful this must be for her.

Sure, she should have called or texted you to let you know she wasn't feeling up to it, but I really wouldn't hold it against her. I really don't think now is the time to confront her about your friendship. She was probably physically and emotionally drained by the time Sunday came around, especially if there was an issue getting the ashes. In moments like these, I think we have to let go of our expectations of our friends and let them be selfish.

As for the memorial service - I wouldn't feel bad at all that you didn't go. If she wanted you there, she would have asked you to come and given you details about location, place, etc. I've never been one to show up to funerals or memorial services of friends' loved ones unless specifically asked to attend.

Hope that helps. Many people on this board know that I lost my sister several years ago to cancer and honestly, if my friends held me accountable for my actions before and after her death, I probably wouldn't have any friends anymore. Nothing I did while I was grieving had anything to do with any of them and wasn't meant to offend or hurt them in any way - it was just me coping the best way I knew how. Thank God they stood by my and supported me even when I wasn't capable of being a good friend in return.

JoelsGirl07 · June 2009

Yes you are allowed to be pissed. I have a similar situation for you, and I was pissed (and we are no longer speaking). I invited two of my former classmates from nursing school (we graduated in March, wedding was in Aug). I called them 2 weeks before the wedding to find out if they were coming, nothing. I texted, I emailed, I called several more times - nothing. I un-friended the one I was friends with on FB, figuring they just decided not to be my friend anymore b/c they still lived in TN. She re-requested to be my friend a couple weeks later (when she realized I was no longer on her friend list) and I sent her a message asking why they never called me back). She rudely messaged me back that I was so selfish for only caring about my wedding and that the other girl had had surgery, and some long stupid story. I was never called and told my friend was sick, so how was I supposed to know. Second, answer a freaking email or phone call, don't just call off the face of the earth...and BTW..youBOTH did not have surgery....

So yes, it's ok to be pissed. Big Smile

julienandy · June 2009

You mentioned you have been drifting and your lives are totally different now - which doesn't seem huge, but you both now have different perspectives on things. Its not unusual that people drift apart, its sad but it happens.

I have buried both my parents, 2 siblings and my son - along with grandparents, and uncles all of whom I loved dearly and were close to. I can tell you when you are in the midst of making arrangements and grieving the loss there are so many emotions going on its hard to focus on other stuff - especially if things get screwed up or changed at the last minute. I love my friends dearly, but when I have been through the losses, I leaned mostly on my family - not that my firends weren't important its just how it went.

Yeah, you got blown off, which sucks and she didn't respond to your texts - which was rude, but I say cut her some slack. CALL her, don't email or text and tell her how sorry you are that you missed seeing her and how sorry you are for her loss. Grief sucks and it helps when others reach out to you. I really don't think she would be mad at you for not attending it sounds like you had no idea what was going on with the mail problem. I will also say a single person might not understand what having a sick baby or toddler means -heck I didn't until I had one.

You have a right to feel what you are feeling they are your emotions, but I think if you want to try to do something be the one to contact her to talk. I honestly bet when she got yoru text she felt bad that she had family plans and maybe she was goign to call you, but it just didn't happen.

Or you can just let it go and send a sympathy card with a note explaining how sorry you are you missed her.

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