Depression over C-section...just now setting in?

BetchySprout · June 2009

Up until recently, I was just kind of "hey, it happens" about it, but the fact that I ended up in a c-section has been creeping up on me and bothering me. A lot of what-if's. A lot of did we do the right things.

Anyone else in this boat?

I know most other c-section moms don't agree with this, but I know some do. I don't feel, at all, like I gave birth to my son. I was there, he was delivered, but I didn't give birth to him. And I hate that.

smacb · June 2009

I have a healthy baby and enough real drama in my life that I don't lose sleep over how he was born.

mrsmorris1 · June 2009

I can somewhat relate. I hated my labor/delivery experience. Everything I wanted to avoid happened and then I had the recovery from hell. I so wish I knew what it was like to push out my baby and be able to hold her right away. I'm scared that I won't be a candidate for a vbac and that will just make me so sad. Everyone says that "at least she's healthy" and somehow that just isn't that comforting.

userdeleted · June 2009

Yes, but I had these feelings right away after his birth. It was all kind of muddled up with the fact that he was early and in the NICU - I was very upset about how everything went down for a long time. I never expected to be like that - before he was born I was like you, kind of like "whatever."

I wouldn't say I'm over it now but I am not as sad as I was. It is helpful to focus on the next baby and my hopes for how that birth will go. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

userdeleted · June 2009

smacb:
I have a healthy baby and enough real drama in my life that I don't lose sleep over how he was born.

This is really not helpful. Try to have a little sensitivity towards someone who is dealing with something they find difficult.

LilMissLadybug · June 2009

I struggled with it after both kids.

MrsKellyOrBust · June 2009

Like pp said, I don't lose sleep over it but am planning a VBAC for #2. DS was breech, there really wasn't much I could do.

Meka13 · June 2009

I do ok until someone else I know has a baby and talk about their birthing experience, it is tough. I know we did what we had to do, 36 hours of labor and I never dilated my contractions were 3mins apart and water had broke, we had to get her out, I am aware we did what was best but I still feel cheated in some weird way.

mrsmorris1 · June 2009

smacb:
I have a healthy baby and enough real drama in my life that I don't lose sleep over how he was born.

Yeah, pretty much what I just said isn't comforting. You proved my point.

emiliemadison · June 2009

There is nothing that makes me more sad than hearing people say that you are WRONG for having the feelings you have, or that all that should matter is that "the baby was born, safe and sound". As though you would trade the baby's safety for the birth experience you wanted! That's not the point. The point is, you wish things had happened differently. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some women dont mind that they had a c-section, and I envy them. But my feelings (and yours) are VALID and real and there's nothing wrong with them.

I wanted a vaginal birth. DD was footing breech and it wasnt an option for me. I mourned the experience I'd desired. That's normal. I felt bad that I didnt get to be part of the birth. That's normal. I wished I could have done something differently. That's normal. I was angry that people kept telling me that I should just be glad the baby was fine. Of course I was glad. That didnt make me feel any differently about having a c-section.

It has taken me a long time to heal- physically and emotionally- from my experience (which was truly very awful and painful). I'm still healing- emotionally. I had a wonderful VBAC which has played a large part in my healing process.

Just know that, whatever your feelings are, you're entitled to them. But do learn to deal with them productively. For me, it was doing research about VBACs and birth in general. Part of my driving factor in becoming a midwife is BECAUSE I had a c-section. It wasnt what I wanted, but it helped me become so much more informed and driven.

mrsmorris1 · June 2009

Here here, Emilie. Thank you for sharing!

jculp · June 2009

I had a Csec and it was definitely not my plan. I had a horible delivery experience and I just recently started getting past the "whatever" stage to where I am now sad about how it all went down. But quickly I am reminded that it was that way for a reason. I don't have any advice really, just that this momma is in the same boat!

BetchySprout · June 2009

emiliemadison:
There is nothing that makes me more sad than hearing people say that you are WRONG for having the feelings you have, or that all that should matter is that "the baby was born, safe and sound". As though you would trade the baby's safety for the birth experience you wanted! That's not the point. The point is, you wish things had happened differently. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some women dont mind that they had a c-section, and I envy them. But my feelings (and yours) are VALID and real and there's nothing wrong with them.
I wanted a vaginal birth. DD was footing breech and it wasnt an option for me. I mourned the experience I'd desired. That's normal. I felt bad that I didnt get to be part of the birth. That's normal. I wished I could have done something differently. That's normal. I was angry that people kept telling me that I should just be glad the baby was fine. Of course I was glad. That didnt make me feel any differently about having a c-section.
It has taken me a long time to heal- physically and emotionally- from my experience (which was truly very awful and painful). I'm still healing- emotionally. I had a wonderful VBAC which has played a large part in my healing process.
Just know that, whatever your feelings are, you're entitled to them. But do learn to deal with them productively. For me, it was doing research about VBACs and birth in general. Part of my driving factor in becoming a midwife is BECAUSE I had a c-section. It wasnt what I wanted, but it helped me become so much more informed and driven.

Thank you so much, this really helps. I just registered for the ICAN boards, and hope to have a VBAC next time. I think the problem is that I never mourned the birth I didn't get. I have a healthy baby and wouldn't trade that for anything, but I still just kind of brushed the birth off...and now it is hitting me hard.

userdeleted · June 2009

emiliemadison:
There is nothing that makes me more sad than hearing people say that you are WRONG for having the feelings you have, or that all that should matter is that "the baby was born, safe and sound". As though you would trade the baby's safety for the birth experience you wanted! That's not the point. The point is, you wish things had happened differently. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some women dont mind that they had a c-section, and I envy them. But my feelings (and yours) are VALID and real and there's nothing wrong with them.
I wanted a vaginal birth. DD was footing breech and it wasnt an option for me. I mourned the experience I'd desired. That's normal. I felt bad that I didnt get to be part of the birth. That's normal. I wished I could have done something differently. That's normal. I was angry that people kept telling me that I should just be glad the baby was fine. Of course I was glad. That didnt make me feel any differently about having a c-section.
It has taken me a long time to heal- physically and emotionally- from my experience (which was truly very awful and painful). I'm still healing- emotionally. I had a wonderful VBAC which has played a large part in my healing process.
Just know that, whatever your feelings are, you're entitled to them. But do learn to deal with them productively. For me, it was doing research about VBACs and birth in general. Part of my driving factor in becoming a midwife is BECAUSE I had a c-section. It wasnt what I wanted, but it helped me become so much more informed and driven.

Thank you, this is very encouraging. I have a question for you if you don't mind. Did you ever worry, when you were preparing for your VBAC, that you were just setting yourself up for disappointment if it didn't happen?

I know that it's important to prepare - and it's something I really really want. I'm just a little nervous that it will all be for nothing and I'll be totally crushed. I don't really know how to avoid that though...just giving in and going for the c/s is not an option and I don't think it'd take away the disappointment anyway.

Any awesome tips, oh wise one Wink

byrne15 · June 2009

honestly? i still think about this every day.

i labored for 16 hours, had an episiotomy, failed foreceps attempt and then a c-sec under general anesthesia. no family was allowed to be with me because of the emergency of the situation. i always wonder what ds looked like when he 1st came out or what he sounded like during his 1st cry. when i woke up from anesthesia ds was 2 hours old, was cleaned up, swaddled, fed his 1st bottle and sleeping.

it was like they just handed me a baby...any baby. it wasn't til ds was 12 weeks old or so that i started to bond with him, and that in itself makes me sad.

i am BEYOND determined to have a VBAC next time

Kentuckychick_8201 · June 2009

I didn't have a C-section but if I had I think I would have definitely had this issue. If I were you I would go and talk to a therapist that specializes in PP issues. I would also try to get support from other C-section moms. I bet you would feel better talking about it. I suffered from PPD and being in therapy has really helped me, just to know that I am not alone. GL! I hope you feel better soon.

stellasam · June 2009

I didn't have a c-section so I can't really personally comment on your question, but I've read a book that deals with exactly what you're going through (not exclusivley, but it's a pretty major part of the book). It's called Birth as a Healing Experience ... I forget the author but I'm sure it's on amazon. Good luck- from what I gather your feelings are completely normal and common.

BetchySprout · June 2009

byrne15:
honestly? i still think about this every day.

i labored for 16 hours, had an episiotomy, failed foreceps attempt and then a c-sec under general anesthesia. no family was allowed to be with me because of the emergency of the situation. i always wonder what ds looked like when he 1st came out or what he sounded like during his 1st cry. when i woke up from anesthesia ds was 2 hours old, was cleaned up, swaddled, fed his 1st bottle and sleeping.

it was like they just handed me a baby...any baby. it wasn't til ds was 12 weeks old or so that i started to bond with him, and that in itself makes me sad.

i am BEYOND determined to have a VBAC next time

Your story makes me so sad and really, truly, I am tearing up reading it. I am so, so, so very sorry that this happened to you. I wish you all the luck on the world for next time.

I was born by forceps, and so was my sister. In my mind before my son was born, that was the most intervened my birth could get, and I feared it. Little did I know! I never progressed past 2 cm and DS had possible cord compression...I didn't get anywhere near as far as you did.

emiliemadison · June 2009

Rach03k:
emiliemadison:
There is nothing that makes me more sad than hearing people say that you are WRONG for having the feelings you have, or that all that should matter is that "the baby was born, safe and sound". As though you would trade the baby's safety for the birth experience you wanted! That's not the point. The point is, you wish things had happened differently. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some women dont mind that they had a c-section, and I envy them. But my feelings (and yours) are VALID and real and there's nothing wrong with them.
I wanted a vaginal birth. DD was footing breech and it wasnt an option for me. I mourned the experience I'd desired. That's normal. I felt bad that I didnt get to be part of the birth. That's normal. I wished I could have done something differently. That's normal. I was angry that people kept telling me that I should just be glad the baby was fine. Of course I was glad. That didnt make me feel any differently about having a c-section.
It has taken me a long time to heal- physically and emotionally- from my experience (which was truly very awful and painful). I'm still healing- emotionally. I had a wonderful VBAC which has played a large part in my healing process.
Just know that, whatever your feelings are, you're entitled to them. But do learn to deal with them productively. For me, it was doing research about VBACs and birth in general. Part of my driving factor in becoming a midwife is BECAUSE I had a c-section. It wasnt what I wanted, but it helped me become so much more informed and driven.
Thank you, this is very encouraging. I have a question for you if you don't mind. Did you ever worry, when you were preparing for your VBAC, that you were just setting yourself up for disappointment if it didn't happen?
I know that it's important to prepare - and it's something I really really want. I'm just a little nervous that it will all be for nothing and I'll be totally crushed. I don't really know how to avoid that though...just giving in and going for the c/s is not an option and I don't think it'd take away the disappointment anyway.
Any awesome tips, oh wise one

In my mind, not trying would have been the disappointment. I obviously knew there was a chance I'd have to have another c-section, but I was going to do everything in my power to avoid one. If it happened because of things I COULDNT control, then at least I'd have given it my best shot.

I started my research very soon after my DD was born. And it was hardcore research, including talking to Drs, midwives, attorneys, reading peer reviewed medical journals, reading books that had medical research citations, etc. I then began the process to get my masters in midwifery. I am not a casual googler on the subject Wink

I felt very informed, and prepared to be my own advocate in a medical community (and a community in general!) of people who set VBACs up to fail. I knew that if I had another c-section, it would be because there was a VALID, EMERGENT medical need for one and that I wouldnt have to wonder or worry later that I'd been pressured into one.

With my VBAC, I labored at home for 30 hours and then at the hospital for over 40. I was stalled at 6cm for 12 hours while in the hospital. My midwife was amazing and never once suggested a c-section. I didnt NEED one. I feel fairly strongly that if I'd been with an OB, I would have been pressured to have a c-section. I dont blame the OBs for this, really, because that's the method they default to. Obstetrics is a surgical specialty and if things dont go as "planned" (ie: textbook labor of 1cm/hour during active labor, baby delivered within 12 hours of water breaking, etc) then they try to "fix" it by doing a c-section- even if there is nothing actually there to "fix".

My advice is to do your research, find a midwife who has a high VBAC success rate (I know there are OBs who support VBACs, but I think a midwife would be a better choice), find a doula to be with you for the birth, and know that you will just give it your best shot. That's all you can do. I wish you lots of luck. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or want more info.

cbwm · June 2009

All that matters to me is that I got a healthy baby out of the deal. I don't give a flying fuuck how I gave birth to him. I carried him for 9 months, I gave him life. He's here, and he's wonderful.?

Seriously, I don't understand WHY this is a big deal to anyone. I was hell bent on going into labor on my own, laboring unmedicated and pushing the little guy out my hoo. No one was going to tell me that it wasn't going to happen any other way than that.

But, my blood pressure started getting crazy. Dr and I decided induction was best. After 18 HOURS of labor, I caved in and got an epi, but the kid wasn't moving, so off we went to the ER.

You've got a wonderful, healthy baby. Quit focusing on how he got here and turn your attention to the future and all of the happiness he's going to bring you.?

preg_amy · June 2009

I know exactly how you feel. And it's slightly comforting (as much as it can be) to know that other women didn't dilate. I didn't get past one cm and I was in labor for 36 hours (3 min apart) and had my water broken. DS's heart rate was dropping with every contraction.

My c-section was also horrible, though not as bad as byrne's. My epi didn't work during the surgery, and while I'm glad I didn't get put under general, I still think about how I couldn't pay attention to what was going on because I was vomitting and in so much pain.

I probably think about it at least 5 nights a week before I fall asleep. I replay the whole labor and delivery in my head and wonder what I could have done differently to prevent the c-section. I try to make myself feel better by saying that it's good that we were all healthy and that at least I didn't have to go through pushing or anything... but in reality, it doesn't help at all. I blame myself, and my OB, and even the nurses, even though there's probably nothing any of us could have done.

I also worry about my next child's birth. I want a VBAC, but if I didn't dilate this time, why would I dilate the next time? I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

Jenn478 · June 2009

Wow, I was seriously just putting away the dishes thinking these exact same thoughts! I have a friend who is 39 weeks and just sent me an email that her OB is already talking about induction and I told her I would avoid if all is good until she is 41 weeks.

I still feel so much guilt about the c/s and my failure at breastfeeding, it is just horrible. I have been feeling great and am weaning off my PPD meds, but wonder if I still need to talk with someone about this, it does not depress me anymore just makes me wonder what if a lot.

I seriously wonder what it is like to give vaginal birth and sadly will never know.

preg_amy · June 2009

cbwm:
All that matters to me is that I got a healthy baby out of the deal. I don't give a flying fuuck how I gave birth to him. I carried him for 9 months, I gave him life. He's here, and he's wonderful.
Seriously, I don't understand WHY this is a big deal to anyone. I was hell bent on going into labor on my own, laboring unmedicated and pushing the little guy out my hoo. No one was going to tell me that it wasn't going to happen any other way than that.
But, my blood pressure started getting crazy. Dr and I decided induction was best. After 18 HOURS of labor, I caved in and got an epi, but the kid wasn't moving, so off we went to the ER.
You've got a wonderful, healthy baby. Quit focusing on how he got here and turn your attention to the future and all of the happiness he's going to bring you.

Wow... just... wow.

June2007 · June 2009

In a highly flammable (according to most on here), I am thrilled I got to give birth to a beautiful daughter with out the pushing, sweating, vaginal tearing drama. I walked in, layed down, and had a baby in 20 minutes. It was amazingly easy. Why does something have to be painful and torturous to be meaningful? Of course my DD was breech so I had little choice in the matter and had ample time before hand to prepare, but I was happy with my birthing experience. Your situation may have been different and you are completely entitled to your feelings.

I understand your depression in a way because you did not get to control your experience and it was not what you had anticipated. But, you know, thats the way life goes. GL and i hope you can try a VBAC if there is another DC in your future and get your birthing experience that you crave.

emiliemadison · June 2009

cbwm:
All that matters to me is that I got a healthy baby out of the deal. I don't give a flying fuuck how I gave birth to him. I carried him for 9 months, I gave him life. He's here, and he's wonderful.
Seriously, I don't understand WHY this is a big deal to anyone. I was hell bent on going into labor on my own, laboring unmedicated and pushing the little guy out my hoo. No one was going to tell me that it wasn't going to happen any other way than that.
But, my blood pressure started getting crazy. Dr and I decided induction was best. After 18 HOURS of labor, I caved in and got an epi, but the kid wasn't moving, so off we went to the ER.
You've got a wonderful, healthy baby. Quit focusing on how he got here and turn your attention to the future and all of the happiness he's going to bring you.

THIS is basically the most condescending, self centered, closed minded view there is. What do you possibly think you will accomplish by telling someone that because YOU feel one way about something, that they should as well and that their own feelings are invalid? This doenst make someone feel better, it only makes them feel like there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do. Shame on you.

mrsseguin · June 2009

I think it is a different experience for everyone. For me, I pushed for 3 hours, tried forceps, then had a c-section. I was ready for him to be born at that point, after 14 hours. Now, had DS been breech and I hadn't had the 'opportunity' to try and labor and give birth vaginally...I think I would be more upset about it. Everyone's experience is different, and the expectations are different. I think it is totally normal to 'grieve' not giving birth the 'normal' way.

Mrs.BLG · June 2009

I didn't have a c/s, but I did not like my birth experience and it also took me a while to get over it. I already know that next time I will wait until 42 weeks to be induced and I will not take any other meds besides the epi. I will also speak up more next time. My Dr. had a midwife in the office and she was supposed to deliver, but I needed an episiotomy and use of vacuum, so the Dr. had to come in and deliver. In my opinion, she waited way too long to call the Dr. in. She was also showing the nurses some pic she had on her cell phone while I am there pushing my brains out!

I was so exhausted from all of the pushing. I didn't even watch DS come out (I was pushing so much, I just had my eyes closed the whole time). Then they wisked him away b/c he needed oxygen and I didn't get to hold him until I was stitched and cleaned up (they didn't lay him on me when he came out).

I know you c/s gals have it worse w/ not being able to see your LO right away, so I am by no means saying that my experience was worse than yours. I am just saying I can related to the birth experience not being what you wanted/expected.

JimsBride08 · June 2009

I go back and forth about it. Some days it really bothers me and other days I don't care. I'm glad my girly bits are still intact and all, but I wonder if I really *needed* the cesarean. I plan to do A LOT more research before I have another kid and if I decide to VBAC, hire a doula to help me. ((hugs)) And don't listen to the few people who are being b!tches-nobody can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. We all know you are happy to have a healthy little one even if you don't like how he came out.

Geekchick921 · June 2009

emiliemadison:

There is nothing that makes me more sad than hearing people say that you are WRONG for having the feelings you have, or that all that should matter is that "the baby was born, safe and sound". As though you would trade the baby's safety for the birth experience you wanted! That's not the point. The point is, you wish things had happened differently. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Some women dont mind that they had a c-section, and I envy them. But my feelings (and yours) are VALID and real and there's nothing wrong with them.

I wanted a vaginal birth. DD was footing breech and it wasnt an option for me. I mourned the experience I'd desired. That's normal. I felt bad that I didnt get to be part of the birth. That's normal. I wished I could have done something differently. That's normal. I was angry that people kept telling me that I should just be glad the baby was fine. Of course I was glad. That didnt make me feel any differently about having a c-section.

It has taken me a long time to heal- physically and emotionally- from my experience (which was truly very awful and painful). I'm still healing- emotionally. I had a wonderful VBAC which has played a large part in my healing process.

Just know that, whatever your feelings are, you're entitled to them. But do learn to deal with them productively. For me, it was doing research about VBACs and birth in general. Part of my driving factor in becoming a midwife is BECAUSE I had a c-section. It wasnt what I wanted, but it helped me become so much more informed and driven.

I love you so much right now. What I bolded is VERY true for me, too. I felt so wronged and I would cry about it and just be depressed all day. It used to get me so down. Now, whenever it starts to creep up on me, I do research on VBACs and scope out hospitals and midwives and doulas in the area because I am determined to VBAC our next child.

And part of what has made me consider midwifery over med school is my own birth experience. I wonder if it was God's way of telling me the path I should take, but God wasn't clear enough and I'm still undecided, but it's started me down another path.

lanie26 · June 2009

I'm taking a break from crotchphoto2009 to say, I completely understand. And what I will never understand, is the need for some people to tell you you are wrong for feeling ripped off and hurt and upset about how you gave birth.

It was an awful experience for me and I had issues bonding as a result. My spinal went too high, I had issues breathing. I felt very out of control and was so scared of what may happen to Jo. Of COURSE i was thrilled that she was ok. But that did not make me happy about my experience.

Hang in there. ?

byrne15 · June 2009

cbwm:

All that matters to me is that I got a healthy baby out of the deal. I don't give a flying fuuck how I gave birth to him. I carried him for 9 months, I gave him life. He's here, and he's wonderful.

Seriously, I don't understand WHY this is a big deal to anyone. I was hell bent on going into labor on my own, laboring unmedicated and pushing the little guy out my hoo. No one was going to tell me that it wasn't going to happen any other way than that.

But, my blood pressure started getting crazy. Dr and I decided induction was best. After 18 HOURS of labor, I caved in and got an epi, but the kid wasn't moving, so off we went to the ER.

You've got a wonderful, healthy baby. Quit focusing on how he got here and turn your attention to the future and all of the happiness he's going to bring you.

oh i didn't know this post was titled "if you had a c-section and didn't give a crap"

start your own post if you don't care how your baby got here

here's a pat on the back....now go!

Hippinski · June 2009

I would strongly encourage any mom who is having a hard time with the emotional side of a C-Section to check out the ICAN organization. They can help so much and if nothing else hopefully you will see that you are not alone with your feelings.

And to the idiots who think it's a good idea to spout off crap about 'all that matters is that you get a healthy baby out of it', really? Really? Of course we are happy and overjoyed that we have a healthy baby. That in NO WAY changes the fact that we are mouring the loss of the birth we wanted and that for me personally, I am pissed that I was treated as a patient/"piece of meat on an operating table" and not the human being that I am.

caharden · June 2009

I TOTALLY understand your feelings! I too had a c-section under general anesthesia. My husband wasn't allowed to be in the room. During surgery my bp went nuts and so it took a while to get my pressure stabilized afterward. So - my DS was a few hours old when I first saw him. Actually - I woke up to my husband putting my breast to my son. Our families even got to see Jonah before I did. It was really hard and sometimes it still bothers me.

I do my best not to focus on it - I acknowledge the feelings but choose not to focus on them. I have to say though... my pregnancy went so well and my recovery was also great... so, I was blessed. But - we all have our journey and we all need to work on things on our own pace.

mrsmatto · June 2009

Pattypoundcake:

I don't feel, at all, like I gave birth to my son. I was there, he was delivered, but I didn't give birth to him. And I hate that.

This is not judgement regarding your feelings on the matter but as a mom who also had a c/s, please know that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt gave birth to that baby! My mom had a c/s with my brother because the placenta ruptured and she started hemoragging (sp?). Both she and the baby almost died. I KNOW she feels that she gave birth to him - she almost died for him!

Feel better.

Want a personalized experience?

Depression over C-section...just now setting in?

Re: Depression over C-section...just now setting in?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards