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Please talk to me about open adoption

crystalpopcorncrystalpopcorn member
in Adoption

Last week, I posted that we submitted our application.  The agency we applied to has a two month waiting period before they will process the application or the application fee.  They also told us to expect a 22-24 month wait for a match after homestudy approval.  This agency practices semi-open adoption. We obviously really like this agency, but we are concerned about the long wait time.  We have the option to withdraw our application before it is processed with no penalty.

A friend recommended an agency that practices completely open adoption.  I spoke with a SW there, who said that identifying information is almost always exchanged from the very beginning.  The idea of starting off with this much openness makes us uncomfortable, but I hate to close the door on this before truly understanding what it would look like. 

Will you please share your experience with a completely open adoption?  How does it work?  Are you comfortable with the arrangement?  Why or why not?

I guess I am just seeking your general thoughts on the process and any guidance you can offer. 

Thanks!

 

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Re: Please talk to me about open adoption

  • Married3.22.03Married3.22.03

    Hey there!

    I don't have tons of time to respond right now, but wanted to say we have an open adoption.  I guess it would be "completely open" in the sense that we know last names, addresses, phone numbers, email, etc., if that's what you mean.  We are comfortable with it b/c we're the ones who decided to do it that way!  (DD's firstmom, DH, and myself)  Our agency actually DIScouraged that, rather than encouraging it, but I have some thoughts about why that is -- too long to type out right now.  :)

    Anyway, feel free to browse through my blog that is primarily on adoption:

    www.takinganewapproach.wordpress.com

    Hopefully that will be helpful to you!

    I also just started a new blog that I think I'm going to use as more of a "transition" to more of a "mommy blog," and will be throwing some adoption/open adoption ramblings in the mix sometimes there as well:

    www.scatteredthoughtsofamom.blogspot.com

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  • Married3.22.03Married3.22.03

    Oh, and I guess I should say two more things --

    *FOR US* our OA has meant direct contact between us (mostly through email, though we have spoken on the phone as well) and us planning our own visits (rather than using the agency as the go-between).  DD's firstmom has distanced herself somewhat more and more as time goes on, BUT I also know (from experience) that if we EVER have a problem or need her, she is a phone call away.  :)  I know that when it comes down to it, she would put aside whatever emotional things she has going on for DD's benefit.

    The other thing I wanted to say is just continue to keep an open mind about it!  I'm not saying be pressured into it, but I am saying that with an open mind, you MAY end up changing what you want or feel is best for your child.  :)  I never ever would have thought we'd have an OA, but yet here we are!  And I'd do it again that way without a doubt.

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  • crystalpopcorncrystalpopcorn member
    THank you so much. I will definitely read your blog.  I am trying to keep an open mind, which is why we are going to meet with that agency next week.  We were originally planning to go with IA, so moving to an adoption where all identifying information is exchanged would be a huge jump for us.
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  • kgs0505kgs0505 member
    I highly recommend the book "Dear Birthmother".  It's all about open adptionand the benefits.  It'll definately help you process your thoughts and fears.  Good luck :)

    TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption! 

    image


    Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!

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  • jacksjerseygirljacksjerseygirl member

    1. That wait time sounds high unless they offer reduced fees inexchange for longer wait times. Our agency has an 18mo average with average fees for caucasian babies.

    2. We were completely open to an open adoption but we did not want to start off open. We figured it was better to start off semi-open and if the right connection was there with the birth family then we could agree to be more open with them if they wanted to.

    3. As a result, we went into our adoption of Grant as a semi-open but after only an hour with the birth mom we felt okay to be more open. She does not have our last name but we have hers, we exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses. It's not a 100% open adoption obviously. We hope that she will maintain contact with us and that we can eventually all feel comfortable with having yearly get-togethers and more contact.

    4. I feel very strongly that it is in the best interest of the child to know about their birth family and if possible have contact. But, not every situation is perfect and you are not going to connect with every birth parent. I don't worry about extortion or anything like that - there is a legal system in place for a reason. But if the birth parents do not have a good social background this can cause an issue for the child.

    I guess in the end - it is, like anything else in adoption, a leap of faith. You just have to decide whether or not you could handle the 'worst case' senerio. But there are plenty of agencies with shorter wait periods with average fees that do not require automatic open adoption too. If you would like information about the agency we used which I recommend 1000% please PM me - they are not licensed in all states but do work with BM and adoptive parents in all states but three (nebraska, new york and I forget the third).

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  • crystalpopcorncrystalpopcorn member
    imagejacksjerseygirl:

    1. That wait time sounds high unless they offer reduced fees inexchange for longer wait times. Our agency has an 18mo average with average fees for caucasian babies.

    2. We were completely open to an open adoption but we did not want to start off open. We figured it was better to start off semi-open and if the right connection was there with the birth family then we could agree to be more open with them if they wanted to.

    3. As a result, we went into our adoption of Grant as a semi-open but after only an hour with the birth mom we felt okay to be more open. She does not have our last name but we have hers, we exchanged cell phone numbers and email addresses. It's not a 100% open adoption obviously. We hope that she will maintain contact with us and that we can eventually all feel comfortable with having yearly get-togethers and more contact.

    4. I feel very strongly that it is in the best interest of the child to know about their birth family and if possible have contact. But, not every situation is perfect and you are not going to connect with every birth parent. I don't worry about extortion or anything like that - there is a legal system in place for a reason. But if the birth parents do not have a good social background this can cause an issue for the child.

    I guess in the end - it is, like anything else in adoption, a leap of faith. You just have to decide whether or not you could handle the 'worst case' senerio. But there are plenty of agencies with shorter wait periods with average fees that do not require automatic open adoption too. If you would like information about the agency we used which I recommend 1000% please PM me - they are not licensed in all states but do work with BM and adoptive parents in all states but three (nebraska, new york and I forget the third).

     

    Thanks Jacks!

    1.  Yes, it does seem like a long wait time.  They said that is what we should expect, since we have a child already.  The wait for first time parents is 12-18 months.  The fee is 17k, which is only slightly lower than other agencies in the area. However, it is a flat fee.  There are no additional expenses for the BM. 

    2. THat's the direction we were hoping to take too.  We would start off with semi-open and move toward open if it made sense.

    3.  This is completely unrelated, but Grant is one handsome little guy!  He is so adorable!

    4.  I agree!

     

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  • nisemsnisems member

    Our social worker recommended the book Making Room in our Hearts: Keeping Family Ties Through Open Adoption by Micky Duxbury https://tinyurl.com/pt3tnv

    I found that it helped me identify a lot of my fears around open adoption, helped to ease most of them and really allowed me to see the benefits for all parties involved.  Most of the adoptions profiled in the book are very open, so it gives you a good view of the most extreme openness and how it can work.  Best of luck to you! 

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  • Jas*sGirlJas*sGirl
    We too have an open adoption.  Much like Married's situation.  They know everything about us, even down to our birthdays. :)   At first I was a little nervous about the whole situation, but I finally got to the place I am now by reading BMs blogs.  The blogs made me realize that most BMs were not going to try and come and steal the baby back, or try and sue us for custody, they honestly just cared about their children they placed and just wanted to see them thrive and grow.  Most BMs also always referred to the adoptive families as their children's real parents.  If you can find a good one they are usually really really touching, honest and open!!  Many of the blogs I had read have been taken down now or I would share them with you.  :(
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  • Jas*sGirlJas*sGirl

    I just saw in married's blog a list with some blogs she follows.  There is one in there that is great!  Its called from the mind of a birthmom.  She is one of the blogs I followed in the beginning!!!

     

    I would just post the link here, but out of privacy for her I will let everyone find it on their own.  I dont want to over step boundaries or anything.  :)

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  • silliestbunnysilliestbunny member

    Read The Open Adoption Book.  You'll have to order it but it really helped both DH and I embrace open adoption.  Sure, we'd "signed" knowing it would be some form of open but we weren't terrible comfortable.  This book gave me a lot of insight.  It's worth reading!

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  • Mrs.BoomBoomMrs.BoomBoom
    I'm a BM in a completely open adoption.  I don't do secrets well so I can't imagine it any other way.  We met before birth, I moved there to give birth.  I met extended family and went to their house.  AM was in the delivery room.  We exchange letters and pictures and phone calls without a middle man.  I've been to visit a few times.  They've been to visit a few times.  They came for my wedding and my daughter was a bridesmaid.  She's totally secure in knowing who I am and her place in the world.  They also have an open adoption with the family of their son and have even sent son to vacation with birth grandmother.  This year, my daughter (who will be 13) is vacationing with my mom.  I loved what I was told by a social worker at an adoption conference when I first placed..."When the child is young, the birth parent(s) generally want more contact and the adoptive family wants less, as the child gets older, the birth parents move on and don't need as much contact and the adoptive family has grown more secure and wants more."
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  • rianalsrianals member

    I'm a birthmom in an open adoption.  It has been completely open since before P was born over fourteen years ago.  I went to their house for a visit the first time about 2 weeks before she was born, they came to my house for the first time when she was about 3 months old. 

    Part of the reason that our open adoption has worked so well is that we were a really good match from the beginning.  From the first time I met them, before I selected them, I felt like I had known them forever. 

    I know that all open adoptions aren't easy, but ours really hasn't been difficult.  Of course, it has been difficult for me to visit and then have to say goodbye again, but I feel very secure knowing there will be another visit at some point.  It has been difficult for P, when she sees my lifestyle and doesn't really know why she isn't a full time part of it.  She wishes she could have grown up with her birthcousins and misses the relationships that didn't form.  There have probably been some challenges for her parents, but I haven't talked to them about what they have been.  Anyways, I think the difficulties we have experienced have been totally normal, considering the situation.  The good thing is that we haven't had difficulties because of miscommunication or overstepping boundaries.  From the very beginning, we have had very respectful communication that was honest and open. 

    One thing that really helped our relationship get off to a good start was that my counselor walked us through an open adoption agreement.  It isn't legally binding.  We sat down and discussed as many aspects of the relationship that we could, using a form that the agency had.  It involved visits and other contact, who would call who, what level of openness each person was comfortable with, etc.  It was really helpful to talk about where we thought the relationship might go.  By the time we finished that meeting, we were ready to exchange last names and phone numbers.

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  • JewelzNBeanJewelzNBean member

    I am going to try and be as short winded as the other BMom's have been here!!! My son, M, is 10, and we have had an open adoption from the start.

    At first, we didn't know their last name until the adoption was finalized, and on our first visit, we met at their friend's house (their friends went out and we had the place to ourselves). Our second visit was at a restaurant. Our third was at my grandmother's house - this was all in the first 8 months (which in my opinion was really nice of them to let us visit that often!!). After that, they felt safe with us. I feel completely respectful of that! Then they basically opened up their lives to us - we visited at their house, and once, they even sent us out with M in their car to go to the park just the 3 of us (me, M and M's father!!).

    We communicate in waves, and it's very casual. We never had our caseworker as part of our communication - neither of us felt that we needed that (but I am sure that some situations may warrant it).

     

    I think that the best thing is when both sides come into it without expectations of how things are going to be. It's a constantly evolving thing, and each side has to do what is right for the child. At age 3 or 4, constant communication might not be the best thing, but at 9 or 10 it sure is nice that M knows that he can call me whenever HE wants to - whether it's with a question or if he just wants to talk. Nothing is set in stone, and we all know that we are just going with the flow of what is best for him.

     

    I hope that helps somewhat - I know there is sooooo much more to OA than the communication issue, but I think that is one of the hardest parts to accept when you just don't know what your situation is going to look like.

    Please feel free to let me know if you have any questions or want any more info from me! Best of luck as you evaluate all of your options!

    jewel_hamilton (at) yahoo (dot) com

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