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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
The Martyr Mother
The post below got me thinking about something I've been considering ever since DS was born. I think the root of a lot of the "bad mom/good mom" arguments are that some people think that a "good" mother is what I like to call the Martyr Mother. Some examples: "I never have sex with my husband because we have a baby and babies change things", "I can't do (insert activity/goal/aspiration here) because I am a mom now", "I hate my friends because they don't understand what it's like to be a mom", etc. All of these points can be valid to some extent, but I think most of the time people say them because they think that falling on your sword makes you a "good" mother, even though they are miserable. I want my son to have a mom who is a whole person, and who doesn't have to totally rediscover herself when he leaves the nest.
Just some musings...
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Re: The Martyr Mother
Amen! You worded it much better than I did (believe it or not, that's what I was going for with my post below - not even close!
)
Well said, and I completely agree.
My lupus Birth Story
Oh absolutely. "I'm a 100% mother. Why have children if you don't want to spend every spare second with them" is one of my faves.
Have you read the historical parenting advice? Mothers are incredibly easy to manipulate and have been exploited historically with economic trends. So, after WWII a ton of literature emerged criticizing working moms as being responsible for ghastly things like a child being gay, or a murderer (you know things on par like that) and during WWI, articles came out insisting that SAHM's were responsible for raising horrible pampered children with sexual problems.
Really. I mean historically, the "good mother" myth has been very interesting.
well said...
This is a valid point. I was speaking more to people who only do things because that's what "a good mother does".
ITA
I heart you!
Nothing proved this more to me than staying home for 8 months with my daughter. Yes I love her. Yes I miss her when she's not around. But going back to work & getting to talk to adults & being productive other than changing diapers & stimulating DD is sooooooo friggen good for my emotional state. I was becoming very resentful of DH. I even was resenting his commute time. I wanted a time to commute. lol
I still enjoy the things I once did & than some, not so much. I just find a hard time to do those things sometimes.
:gigglesnort:
As if JK is a "mom" show! OMG /dies
i LOVE this. so true!
I sometimes feel guilty for working, and not being able to spend a lot of time with my daughter. But then if I don't work, we wouldn't have a roof over our heads, or food to eat. DH wouldn't be able to support us all by his lonesome. So I know its a sacrifice that is best for my family.
After I had DD, I would feel guilty if I had to run an errand after work, or get my eyebrows done. I didn't take care of myself for a long time after her birth, and it made my self esteem disappear. It wasn't until DH pushed me to do things for myself that I realized its ok to be apart from DD. She's in great hands when I'm not there, and I feel so much better about myself now. I also cherish the time we do spend together, and I know that if I was a SAHM, I'd get lazy. I would be in pjs all day, and would never leave the house. It wouldn't be beneficial to me or my daughter.
I think everyone has mom guilt. I know I have a lot of it, but nothing in life is perfect. And I'm glad I have DH to show me that I'm making the right choices for our family.
I'm not the martyr mother, but at the same time there are a TON of things I do because it's what a good mother does. For example... I don't have sex while my child is playing on the floor. A good mother (hell, a decent person) doesn't do that sort of thing. I don't get really drunk because I would never want to be intoxicated if something happened to my child. (Although I've been pregnant for two freaking years so that might change once or twice after I have this kid!!!!) I don't party every weekend because I want to spend time with my child. Most of the things I do revolve around the fact that I am a mother. Being a mother is now part of what defines me... it is one of the most important aspects of who I am and where I'm at in my life. Nothing means more to me.
You should've been there. I had to change the subject.?
Interesting b/c I think the good mother myth was a strong contributor to my PPD. While the medication helped, I think a big part of why I feel better is also due to the realization that I can't be the perfect mother. In recent months I've come to realize that there is no way I will ever meet all of the societal pressures and expectations we place on mothers and that my son doesn't need a perfect mother to be a healthy and well adjusted child. I have been working hard to balance my life more and taking care of me more. I still wish we had more time for DH and I to go out on dates or spend time with our friends, but we're working on it...
This is something I really struggle with. I am entirely too rapped up in being the "perfect" mom. I know where this urge comes from, my mom was not a good mom, not very nurturing and I always had to take on the role as adult. I actually have been going to counseling to deal with this and some days it is better and others not so much. I am constantly worried about going out with DD, missing a nap or a late bedtime so basically I avoid going out a lot. I know this is bad and definitely impacts my mood. We are going CA next week and I am so scared about her being able to adapt.
I have so many friends who just seem so relaxed, I really wish I could get there. I don't want to be a martyr mom, I want to be a person.
I was totally The Martyr when I first had Evan.
I completely and utterly lost myself to motherhood. I lived pretty much solely for my son.
I went through a hard period when he was about 1.5 where I realized I was practically a shell of who I used to be, and felt like I had nothing to offer aside from what I could offer my son. It was a hard realization to come to.
We did not have a "child friendly" life when we first got pg with Evan. Huge huge partiers, always on the go, always out. So it was a huge adjustment period for me once I had another little defenseless human to care for.
I'm only now REALLY finding the ability to say "no" to motherhood stuff in order to keep my own life.
It's all about balance, and some people just have a hard time finding the balance right away, between being a wife, a mother, and still your own person.
I don't judge people in the slightest for being The Martyr, or having motherhood as the single thing that they live for. I really don't. I know how that feels.
I think Mrs.Provost said it perfectly, but I wasn't implying that you shouldn't feel your role as a mother is the most important role you'll ever play, or that there aren't some things that responsible, loving mothers do and sacrifice for their children. If you enjoy spending all your (not YOUR, ABM, the general Your) time at home with your husband and children, then by all means do it! But if you enjoy spending evenings out with friends, or sneaking off to do your DH while your DS is playing happily, and you don't do those things ONLY because you think that good mothers don't do those things and you are harboring feelings of resentment or sadness because of it, then I think there is a problem there that needs to be addressed. It's about balance.
I don't either, because I understand it, but I do judge when they try and make it seem like you're less of a mother than they are. Like my friends' comments- it's as if she needs other's validation or to make other moms feel as though they're doing something wrong. Anytime I mention doing anything non-DD related she's like "well I have two kids so everything I do is for them" so I'm supposed to feel bad, or something.
I struggle with this all the time and it is so nice to see it written out for me to read and remember. I think it is because my mom left us 3 years ago. She was a regular mom one day and the next, she packed up and took off. We haven't seen her since. She never said goodbye or anything.
Sometimes (usually it is in the middle of the night when DS won't go back to sleep), I feel like handing DS to DH and taking off. Of course it is just a fleeting thought and I would never do it, but I beat myself up for even thinking it. Like just thinking it makes me like my mom or something. Or when I contemplate quitting EPing early than 1 year so I can get my sanity back, my thoughts go to "why do I care more about my sleep than my son?" And I know that is not true but I feel like if I make any mistake then I will be no better than my mom.
I don't know if that makes any sense.
This post has helped me a lot. Its made me realize that as hard as I've tried to be the 'perfect mother', its just not possible. I've carried around guilt because of this since DS was born. I'm not currently working but I go back in a few months and I think it'll be good for me to be around adults again. I explained this to a friend who sh!t a brick about my desire to go back. She is the typical "Martyr Mother" (who is more of a toxic friend,anyway) but it made me feel horrible.
This last year has been a struggle of balance for me. If that means Dh and I have to sneak off to the bedroom while Ds hangs out in his baby jail for a few minutes, than so be it. I'm a mother, but I'm also a wife, sister, friend and an individual. Its all about balance. thank you for posting this!