Do you think this will come back to bite us?

Andrewsgal · June 2009

Kind of long sorry.

We live in the same neighborhood as DH's stepsister, and she and I have DD's the same age. They bought way more house than they could afford and are always struggling, they also make HORRIBLE money choices (Gymboree clothes instead of their electric bill).

So anyway DH's father and stepmother come down about once every two months, but both just retired so we expect to see them a lot more. They constantly treat DD and my niece different claiming it is because we have "so" much more money than SIL. This is not really true, we just make better choices (yes I know how much salary my BIL makes).

Anyway because our financial status is used against us we have started lying or just plain avoiding the truth with both our IL's and SIL. For example DS has swim lessons tomorrow, because the ILs are in town they wanted to get together to play. I told them that I would drop DD off and DS had an appointment so we would be back an hour later. Or they want to take the kids somewhere on Saturday we told them we would have to push it back an hour, they asked why and DH ignored the question. (DD has gymnastics). We basically tell them nothing about our kids lessons, school or any extra for the kids.

I told DH this is all going to come back and bite us. He says he is just sick of getting *** about how much money we have and how much better off we are than SIL in response to screwing E and J. Anyway WDYT?

pincushions · June 2009

I think what your doing is fine.

Unless your SIL knows about your kid's schedule!

CleoKitty · June 2009

I guess I just don't understand- why not just say, "Sure, we'd love to get together to play. But, we won't be able to make it until after dd's swim lesson."

It just seems like a really weird thing to lie about. I get that you don't want to rub it in their faces that you can afford to do certain things that they can't, but it's just swim lessons. Swim lessons are no big deal at all.

elm1032004 · June 2009

First of all I don't think that you guys being more financially responsible should impact the way the grandparents treat the grandchildren.......I would be sick of listening to it as well. You can't tell them how to spend their money but they shouldn't tell you that you guys are loaded just because you make responsible choices....

Zenya · June 2009

hmm - I think it's odd, I guess? Just seems like a lot of work. I would just be honest about your life and if that means that they treat your kids differently then that's just how it is. That's their choice and then you can choose how much contact you want with them.

knmommy · June 2009

I don't know what to tell you, we are in the same boat with my IL's. Could your DH talk to them about it?

ellemoney:) · June 2009

I think you're doing the right thing. ?I wouldn't want to hear about how you making good choices is just b/c you have more money & not b/c you're not blowing money.?

If anything does ever come of it you could just say that you didn't want to say how much stuff your kids are doing b/c of what they don't get to do? ??

veloelle · June 2009

How are they treated different? How is your financial status used against you? Do the IL's not buy your kids things because they think you can afford it? If that's the reason, I would still tell them what you are doing w/ the kids. Every family has *that* sibling or IL that is a total idiot w/ $$ and gets $$ from the parents. Honestly, I think they are the losers. Sounds lame, but I'd much rather be able to pay my bills than mooch of my parents than be 35 and still calling mommy.

I don't have ILs (both died since we've been married) so I don't have IL issues that I read about on here. But really, unless they are mistreating your children, why not tell them?

joseysbride · June 2009

Well, you can only lie so much before things start getting mixed up or people start asking questions.

I think it would be much easier to just tell them upfront what you just said. That you don't like to always get grief about what you give your kids and how much money you have, and the truth is that you don't feel you make any more than your BIL/SIL, you just manage your money more wisely. Maybe just your dh could talk to his dad about it?

AnnapolisLari · June 2009

I have no filter when it comes to stuff like that.

I would just say that it's unfair to treat your kids differently because you and YH make different financial choices. Maybe they need to hear it.

Andrewsgal · June 2009

We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

Kapalua · June 2009

I don't know if it's right or wrong...but I would totally do the same thing. It sucks, because you shouldn't have to hide that your kid has swim lessons or gymnastics or whatever.

I'm very careful about what I tell me parents re: purchases or whatever because they like to have an opinion on everything I do.

What really sucks is that they justify treating the grandkids differently...that's just wrong!

elm1032004 · June 2009

CleoKitty:

I guess I just don't understand- why not just say, "Sure, we'd love to get together to play. But, we won't be able to make it until after dd's swim lesson."

It just seems like a really weird thing to lie about. I get that you don't want to rub it in their faces that you can afford to do certain things that they can't, but it's just swim lessons. Swim lessons are no big deal at all.

I don't think it's about rubbing it in their faces that she can afford swim lessons when SIL can't, I think it's that the ILs take that information and use it as a reason that they do more for SIL's child becasue Andrewsgirl and her DH can afford to do for their kids on their own and they are sick of hearing how well off they are

notlori925 · June 2009

I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel sometimes like my parents treat my nephew differently and sometimes a little better than they do my DD. I don't think there is anything wrong with not telling them about these things. Truthfully, it is no one's business what you spend your money on and if they are only going to use that information to treat your kids differently then by all means don't tell them and if it ever comes out then deal with it when that time comes.

emilykristene2006 · June 2009

I'm confused. How do they treat them differently? I wouldn't lie. I would probably ask them why your financial business matters and tell them the girls shouldn't suffer.

shopgirl_07 · June 2009

So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

camrude · June 2009

If we lived by my IL's I think we would do the exact same thing you are doing because we already get some of that and we live 2000 miles away from them.

Andrewsgal · June 2009

shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

Zenya · June 2009

Andrewsgal:
We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

But who cares? you don't need them to buy PJ's.

CleoKitty · June 2009

Andrewsgal:
We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

I guess I still just don't get it. You don't need them to buy pajamas for your kids, so what's the big deal? Like a pp said, there's always that one loser sibling in the bunch who mooches off of the parents for everything- in this case it just happens to be your SIL.

Your kids really aren't going to care who buys their pajamas. I doubt they'll even notice that grandma and grandpa help out your SIL's kids and buy them more things.

Andrewsgal · June 2009

Zenya:
Andrewsgal:

We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

But who cares? you don't need them to buy PJ's.

You are right we don't it is just that DD does not understand, and we are

Andrewsgal · June 2009

Zenya:
Andrewsgal:

We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

But who cares? you don't need them to buy PJ's.

You are right we don't it is just that DD does not understand, and we are

sick o

Andrewsgal · June 2009

Zenya:
Andrewsgal:

We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

But who cares? you don't need them to buy PJ's.

You are right we don't it is just that DD does not understand, and we are

sick of

Andrewsgal · June 2009

Zenya:
Andrewsgal:

We lie to SIL because she goes right back and tells MIL, we lie to the IL so we don't hear about it. "Oh well you guys don't need us to buy pajamas for the kids like we did for neice because you can afford your own ifyou can afford swim lessons"

DH has talked to them over and over it is pointless.

But who cares? you don't need them to buy PJ's.

You are right we don't it is just that DD does not understand, and we are

sick of getting

emilykristene2006 · June 2009

After reading the rest since I've posted, I agree with shopgirl. It sucks for your DD, but really, you don't need them to buy her things. Maybe you could just sit down with MIL and tell her that you understand she is helping out BIL/SIL, but it hurts your DD when she doesn't get something also. Maybe just don't do it in front of your DD?

Zenya · June 2009

Andrewsgal:
shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

ok - I get it more now. I still wouldn't lie though. I'd probably restrict contact with them.

Andrewsgal · June 2009

emilykristene2006:
After reading the rest since I've posted, I agree with shopgirl. It sucks for your DD, but really, you don't need them to buy her things. Maybe you could just sit down with MIL and tell her that you understand she is helping out BIL/SIL, but it hurts your DD when she doesn't get something also. Maybe just don't do it in front of your DD?

Yep I guess this is a big part of it. We hate hearing about it, but I just wish they would at least hide it from DD.

pincushions · June 2009

Andrewsgal:

shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

that is just wrong.

Hell my MIL is buying my unborn niece exactly the same things she is buying DD. They aren't even related but my MIL is very if one gets it so do the others.

shopgirl_07 · June 2009

Andrewsgal:
shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

Well in that case I'd tell your IL's to please stop giving gifts to the cousins in front of your children if they're not getting gifts too. You probably will never change their perception of the situations and their behavior but at least if you come at it from the point of view that your DD is getting hurt, maybe they'll understand and be more discreet. Not telling them about swimming lessons, etc will have NO impact on the situation.

Heidisean · June 2009

I wouldn't lie but I would bring up the facts with them. n

kylara111 · June 2009

After reading the whole situation, I agree with Zenya. I would spend less time with them. This is about favoritism, not money. DHs family is like that and I can tell you that it certainly does affect relationships and makes one child feel like "less" than another. My ILs don't live near us though so its easy for us to insulate our DDs from things like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

Jen2124 · June 2009

Going from the info you posted here (which i'm sure there is more to it), you said they mis-spend and buy things like Gymbore instead of the electric bil. ^f this is the case, wouldnt that mean their d was-is geting a lot of "stuff" too, since the mis-spend? That is the classic way to misspend (on your kid), so it seems your in laws would actually see her getting just as much from her parents as your dc gets from you!

joseysbride · June 2009

Zenya:
Andrewsgal:

shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

ok - I get it more now. I still wouldn't lie though. I'd probably restrict contact with them.

Ditto. That is awful that they are favoring one grandchild over the other right in front of the kids. I would just tell that that since they obviously don't understand where you guys are coming from, then you're not going to be able to spend as much family time with them all.

Zenya · June 2009

It kind of sounds like the woman is being nasty too. like making a dig at the OP in front of the kid. That's what would upset me.

mikeandmonica · June 2009

I didn't read the other responses, but can you just talk to the inlaws about how much it bothers you that they treat the kids differently, and that it isn't that you make much more money, it is that you are smarter with your money and don't make bad decisions?

FooBride · June 2009

shopgirl_07:
Andrewsgal:

shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

Well in that case I'd tell your IL's to please stop giving gifts to the cousins in front of your children if they're not getting gifts too. You probably will never change their perception of the situations and their behavior but at least if you come at it from the point of view that your DD is getting hurt, maybe they'll understand and be more discreet. Not telling them about swimming lessons, etc will have NO impact on the situation.

I agree the only conversation to have with ILs from now on is to ask them to refrain from displaying gifts in front of your children. Of course as they get older it may be tough to have the kids hide it from eachother (look at what Grandma got me).

This happened to me as a kid. I was in the exact same situation as your DD. Be honest with your kids, they'll ask questions. I always blamed my grandma and not my parents for the situation. It sucks, but sadly it's the truth.

elm1032004 · June 2009

shopgirl_07:
Andrewsgal:

shopgirl_07:
So you think lying about your situation is worth it because? To get more gifts? Personally, I think this is ridiculous. Be happy that you've made good choices and that you can support your family. Don't worry about what other people do.

It has nothing to do with gifts. For example yesterday MIL gave neice a dress in front of DD, when DD said "nana where is mine" she replied "oh I am sure mommy already got you one". I could care less about the presents it sucks that DD gets screwed.

I would tell them to stop doing this in front of your children as well, unless it's a birthday or some reason where niece should get a gift and your kids shouldn't it's not right to do it in front of a little kid that doesn't understand. Turn it around on her and say, how do you think niece would feel if you gave DD stuff in front of her and gave her nothing...

Well in that case I'd tell your IL's to please stop giving gifts to the cousins in front of your children if they're not getting gifts too. You probably will never change their perception of the situations and their behavior but at least if you come at it from the point of view that your DD is getting hurt, maybe they'll understand and be more discreet. Not telling them about swimming lessons, etc will have NO impact on the situation.

KoriBrett · June 2009

I know this will be a giant surprise (ha!) but I wouldn't lie about it. Yes, it will eventually come back to haunt you.

You can simply say "we have something to do that was already planned"

Or just flat-out say that she has gymnastics at x o'clock, and tell them to suck it. Well ok not really, but you know what I mean. But somehow, someone will say the wrong thing and they will find out. Not worth the hassle of lying, getting caught, having the big fight.... plus would you want DD & DS to see you doing that and follow suit? That would kill me right there.

DandR · June 2009

I can understand why you want to, but I think setting a good example for your kids takes precedence over trying to make your situation seem different to the IL's in hopes that they will treat you fairly. Not worth it. Eventually your kids will tell the IL's "We were at gymanstics!" or "we went to swim class today!"

Tell your IL's that its starting to bug your kids when they don't get the same gifts as the other cousins....and if they have a problem with that, then they are jerks and you should just avoid them....

Then the snippy part of me thinks to avoid them, you should tell them you are taking your kids to the circus, going to a movie, a mini vacation to a hotel so your kids can swim, a major shopping spree because your kids have grown out of their clothes and you just saw the cutest line of clothes at gymboree that your kdis MUST have...all..of...it. and lie making it seem like money is growing from trees for you!!! KIDDING!!!!

krub · June 2009

I'm pretty much the same way with my dad and step mom for the same reason. It kind of sucks that I can never share my happiness about a bonus or raise, but that's how it is.

Lately I have really tried to make an effort to stand up for my kids and protect them from this sort of thing. So, I wouldn't tell you ILs where you're going, just that you have plans. And, I would ask them to stop giving gifts to only one child in front of yours b/c it hurts her feelings and you are raising your children to be considerate of other people. Not that they can't give whatever they want, but that they can't be mean to you and your kids b/c you won't allow it anymore. Just imagine what will happen when they're older and you're not around all the time? That is what has really made me stand up for my kids with my parents lately.

gracendantho26 · June 2009

I would just be honest about how you feel about the situation and the discrepency in the way the kids are treated.

And doesn't your DD talk about her swim lessons, gymnastics etc. She doesn't ever bring it up to the grandparents??

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