Joining you all here...
3ltlones
member
Two weeks ago I found out that we had lost our baby. I went to the doctor for our 16 week appt, I had been having u/s every 2 weeks because of a 12cm fibroid on my uterine wall. I was just there the week before for some pain and had had an u/s that showed everything was fine with baby, the pain was caused from the fibroid, and everything was really crowded, so any stretching caused me to be uncomfortable. So, at this appt when we didn't hear the hb with the doppler I wasn't too concerned thinking things were just too crowded, so we did an u/s to see baby instead. While waiting my doctor said I could schedule the big u/s for just a couple more weeks.
The u/s started and immediately I saw no hb, my ob kept going between the fibroid and the baby, when I said "there is nothing there" he started to cry with me, telling me how sorry he was. I was by myself and just saying "oh god" over and over again. We sat for another 20mins or so, he kept telling me how sorry he was and held me while I cried. I told him I needed to call my husband, the hardest call I have ever had to make. My ob and I decided that that evening we would decide where to go fromt there.
I called him that evening and we talked about a D&E, we were going to do it Sat. but I had added complications because of the fibroid, and Sun was my 3 yr old daughters preschool graduation. I didn't want to take the chance of missing it, so we planned the D&E for Tuesday. Walking around that weekend and attending functions, were like living in hell, putting on maternity clothes(I was measuring 8 wks ahead because of baby and fibroid) and flaunting a beautiful belly, but trying to hide it at the same time. It's like a nightmare you can't wake up from.
Tuesday morning I went in for the surgery, we signed all of the papers for the cremation and autopsy to be done. And off I went, after the surgery, I kept passing out, I was bleeding alot more than expecting and my bp wouldn't go above 92/60, they decided to admit me to watch my bp. About 10 hours later, the pain became unbearable, and I passed out again, my bp dropped to 80/40 and I had a heart rate of 38. The doc came in to check me, my uterus had stopped contracting and the blood was going back up into my uterus. I needed a D&C. While in surgery they removed 2 litres of blood from my uterus and removed some tissue that was behind the fibroid. After that my blood count was extremely low, I received 2 units of bloods. I was finally released from the hospital 2 days later.
So, now we wait, I go for u/s every 2 wks to watch the growth of the fibroid and have to wait at least 9 months to TTC again, if we decide to at all. We are extremely scared right now, we have had a miscarriage previously at 8 wks, and were always told you reach a safe zone after you are in the second tri, which of course is not what happened. I have my second follow up this thurs were I will hopefully receive autopsy results and find out the sex of the baby. Once we know the sex we will name him/her. We are also waiting to hear back from the funeral home so we can go and get the babies cremains.
I feel like I am drowning most times, but am trying to make it through. Most people in my real life don't understand what I am going through and tell me I should be grateful for the children I have. I know how blessed I am for what I have, but loosing this miracle is still extremely painful.
Thank you for listening to my story. I'm so sorry to all of you who have lost babies, it is a tragic heartbreaking thing.
Re: Joining you all here...
Your story is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I can see why you are scared. We named our baby a unisex name since we didn't know the sex at the time. Hope you feel better soon.
Aww that is so heartbreaking, I dont even know what to say.
We are all here to support one another and try to stay positive. I know it may seem so hard to do right now. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. My prayers are with you and your family. 
(((BIG HUGS)))
Kelly
Your story broke my heart. That is an awful thing to have gone thru. It sounds like you have been put thru alot.. I am terribly sorry for your loss and I understand what you are going through. I had a 2nd tri loss myself. Its an awful thing for anyone to go through.
I can tell you that the pain does ease with time. Just take one day at a time, if that is too much take an hour a time, etc... I have posted before that my pastor told me that grief is an emotional roller coaster ride. That is the perfect description of what I have gone thru. There are ups and downs and curves, and upside down spins.. So strap yourself in and remember to deal with each emotion as it comes....
I have other children myself and I am thankful for the children I do have also. But it in no way takes the pain of losing baby Grace any less.. The pain was raw and real..
I hope that you get to feeling better very soon. And if you need someone to talk to I am available. I have been in your shoes. I have blogged about my experience (link in siggy) if you are interested.
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
OH hun I'm so sorry. I know what you mean by wanting another child. I sometimes think that I should be greatful for the 2 wonderful boys I have, but one more child to add would in my mind be perfect. After 3 m/c now I'm not sure that's in the cards or if we'll ttc again.
I'm so sorry for you loss. *hugs*