until the blood test after the miscarriage began. So, I feel cheated from knowing there was a baby inside of me. And I feel like I don't quite deserve to grieve like someone who had already started shouting from rooftops.
I told a friend the day after the first faint positive. I wasn't to know I wasn't crazy to suspect that I was actually pregnant. She laughed and told me congratulations. I told her to wait until it was official. She told me there was no such thing as a false positive. But I still waited to feel like a mother-to-be.
I researched false positives and faint positives. I read about evaporation lines and squinted at each test looking for blue, not gray. I forced my husband to look at the tests again and again. "Are you sure?"
After being three days late, and having four faint positives, I asked a co-worker for her opinion. She jumped up and down and told me I was pregnant. I hesitated to join in on it and told her we'd celebrate when I knew for sure. I made the appointment for the next morning to be officially tested by the doctor. Then I spotted later that afternoon.
The next morning, three and a half hours before I was going to get to be tested by the doctor for pregnancy, I woke up to my period.
Two blood tests, one ultrasound and five crying fits later, I was told that I had been pregnant and that I was now miscarrying.
I feel like I couldn't possibly understand what someone who has carrying a child within her and made plans for the birth feels like when they lose their baby. And yet I hardly feel like I can pretend this is just a normal cycle. I wake up feeling normal like before I took those tests and go to sleep crying on my husband's chest. I feel angry randomly and antsy other times. I wonder if it actually happened at odd moments and yet find myself encouraged that "at least I can get pregnant". Not everyone gets a trial run. Not everyone gets to test drive their reproductive system.
Not everyone gets to say goodbye to a baby they didn't even know they were carrying.
And now, not everyone gets to explain why I'm grieving a missed chance and at the same time trying to dust myself off to try again next month.
Not everyone does. But I do.