I wasn't sure I was even pregnant... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I wasn't sure I was even pregnant...

until the blood test after the miscarriage began.  So, I feel cheated from knowing there was a baby inside of me.  And I feel like I don't quite deserve to grieve like someone who had already started shouting from rooftops.

I told a friend the day after the first faint positive.  I wasn't to know I wasn't crazy to suspect that I was actually pregnant.  She laughed and told me congratulations.  I told her to wait until it was official.  She told me there was no such thing as a false positive.  But I still waited to feel like a mother-to-be.

I researched false positives and faint positives.  I read about evaporation lines and squinted at each test looking for blue, not gray.  I forced my husband to look at the tests again and again. "Are you sure?"

After being three days late, and having four faint positives, I asked a co-worker for her opinion.   She jumped up and down and told me I was pregnant.  I hesitated to join in on it and told her we'd celebrate when I knew for sure.  I made the appointment for the next morning to be officially tested by the doctor.  Then I spotted later that afternoon.

The next morning, three and a half hours before I was going to get to be tested by the doctor for pregnancy, I woke up to my period.

Two blood tests, one ultrasound and five crying fits later, I was told that I had been pregnant and that I was now miscarrying.

I feel like I couldn't possibly understand what someone who has carrying a child within her and made plans for the birth feels like when they lose their baby.  And yet I hardly feel like I can pretend this is just a normal cycle.  I wake up feeling normal like before I took those tests and go to sleep crying on my husband's chest.  I feel angry randomly and antsy other times.  I wonder if it actually happened at odd moments and yet find myself encouraged that "at least I can get pregnant".  Not everyone gets a trial run.  Not everyone gets to test drive their reproductive system.

Not everyone gets to say goodbye to a baby they didn't even know they were carrying.

And now, not everyone gets to explain why I'm grieving a missed chance and at the same time trying to dust myself off to try again next month. 

Not everyone does.  But I do. 

Lucas Arlo - 2/26/10, Cordelia Jane - 1/20/12 
#3 is due 8/27/14


Re: I wasn't sure I was even pregnant...

  • (((HUGE BIG HUGS)))

    I have a pretty good idea how you are feeling; I lost our first on the same day that I got my BFP. Even if you didn't know, you still grieve.
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I too discovered my pregnancy after I had already miscarried. I felt, and still feel, robbed.
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  • first of all, i'm sorry for your loss. because it is a loss. you have every right to grieve and post here. you do not have to compare your pain to anyone else's because we all feel it, and we all support each other.

    second, i wish i could find the original post... am posting an exercpt from a previous post that someone got from someone else. in the post i read, she said she reposts it from time to time so hopefully she will again... anyway, i think this will sound familiar... it helped me come to terms (at least a little) with my loss....

    "You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.

    When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend."

    again, i am so sorry for your loss, and i hope you find some peace and comfort soon. the women on here are very supportive, and i encourage you to look through previous posts to see that you are not alone, and many women mourned about situations very similar to yours.

  • I'm sorry for your loss.  Thank you for posting this.  I didn't know I was pregnant until I started miscarrying.  My husband doesn't understand why I'm so upset because "we didn't know." I feel robbed too.  I feel like I have to say goodbye to the baby that I never even got to say hello to, never got to be excited about.  I broken down in Michael's today when I heard a newborn baby crying, knowing that I wouldn't be having a Christmas baby.  It sucks.  I've only told two people other than my husband.

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