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Need some advice about annoying father......(long vent)

volleydivavolleydiva
in 3rd Trimester

Ok, so my dad is very much a person dependent on other people in his life.  His mom did everything for them as kids (there were 6 of them), then when he married my mom she basically coddled him, because he's an idiot and doesn't think for himself.  Now I pretty much do everything for him.  I know I shouldn't and he needs to learn to have a mind of his own, but when he does use it, it always gets him into trouble and me or my mom have to bail his dumb a$$ out.  He has a job where he has no real help and I end up going down there a minimum of 2-3x's a week to do basically his assistant's work because she never shows up (this has been happening since I stopped working there years ago).  I understand he needs help and don't mind helping, but again it has become where it is my "job" that I don't get paid for when someone else is getting the money.  Not necessarily his fault as his boss doesn't like me and refuses to hire me, even though I have done all the work for the last 10 years pretty much free.  There were a few times in there that I actually got paid.  Anyways, my problem is he calls me about 5-10x's a day, usually 10 to ask me to do something or to ask a stupid question.  I mean he asks questions sometimes like, "where can you buy breakfast sandwiches?"  "Does fry's carry them?" I mean seriously he can't figure out anything for himself.  He also continues to call my mom about dumb things like this all the time too. (They've been divorced for over 7 years now).  He is the biggest stress in both me and my mom's lives but we don't know what to do about it.  My problem is that he doesn't get boundaries and doesn't think about other people.  He never once thru this pregnancy asked how I was doing or how things are going or anything.  I have this fear that once the baby is here and I am tired and worn out and irritated that he will continue to call constantly and not let me get any rest or take care of me and "My Family".  He is very self-centered.  Any advice, I am already starting to freak out!  I would sic my DH on him, but he will be very rude and I don't want him snap at him.  We (Me, siblings, mom) have told him in the past that he calls everyone too much and that we are super annoyed. 

 

Sorry it was so long.....Vent over.   

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Re: Need some advice about annoying father......(long vent)

  • CubsGirlNYCCubsGirlNYC
    my advice is just to stop, you are enabling him, if you continue to do so, he'll continue. I know it's probably hard but you shouldn't have to deal with the stress
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  • volleydivavolleydiva

    imageCubsGirlNYC:
    my advice is just to stop, you are enabling him, if you continue to do so, he'll continue. I know it's probably hard but you shouldn't have to deal with the stress

    I know your right, maybe I just needed to hear it from someone other than family!  I get the worst of it as I am the only adult child left in town! 

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  • CubsGirlNYCCubsGirlNYC
    I'm sorry you have to deal with that, it sucks when you have to be a parent to your own parent. I hope that no matter what you decide it gets better and you find yourself with less stress. Good Luck!
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  • emariaemaria

    you can't really fault him because in all honesty, you're the one who has created this dynamic.  when he calls don't answer.  when he asks you to do something, don't do it.  when he "needs" to be bailed out, refuse.  it's really that easy.  you create your own misery and your own happiness and right now you're not doing yourself any favors nor are you doing any favors for him.  if you don't allow him to make his own mistakes and learn from his own decisions then what's going to happen when you and your mom can't make yourselves available to him?  he needs to learn now what it means to be a grown up otherwise you'll still allow him to run your life after your child's here and your LO might end up resenting you for it.

    and seriously - you've been acting as his assistant for years without pay?  i really don't even know what to say about that...

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  • laylabaileylaylabailey

    I agree with emaria. Focus on you and your baby. Because little one is going to need your full attention once they arrive. Strange how even though they are your father, a 13 year old can seem way more mature and intelligent at times.

    Good luck!

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  • Rossi17Rossi17 member
    You are not his parent. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Talk to your Mom about it. (Did she divorce him, or did he ask for the divorce?) If she was the one that asked for the divorce, apparently she got the clue that the relationship they had was not right. I would have a good argument with him maybe somewhere safe, public place or in the presence of others except they have to be quiet and not interfere, so he doesn't get too loud or aggressive, and discuss how he has not been there for you, and all the things that you wish he would be as a father. Also, how you feel like you are the parent; always taking care of him. Maybe even have your siblings there if they all agree that they have the same issues with him. Write the issues down so you don't forget. And don't attack him, make it about yourself and your needs. He might get defensive, and that's OK, but make sure he lets you talk and doesn't interrupt (don't interrupt him either). Make him see that the way he is was not really his fault, but unfortunately the product of your grandmother not allowing him to become responsible for himself. It's not too late for him. 
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