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Northern California Babies
Transitioning from newborn parent to toddler parent
This is probably going to ramble a little, but bear with me.
I think I'm having a hard time with this transition. When Dane was a newborn, the goal was to attend to his needs quickly and give him whatever he needed, so he learned that people loved him and would take care of him. I am now used to jumping up the minute he starts to whine and running to him...but I don't think that's the approach we need to take anymore and I'm trying to figure out how to teach myself to parent this next stage.
In the last 2 weeks, he's become REALLY whiny when I'm in the room but not paying 100% attention to him (folding laundry while Daddy feeds him, etc) or when I set him down to play for a few minutes so I can pee or do dishes or whatever. I know he's not neglected...so why do I feel guilty? What should I be doing about the whining/crying when I know he's not hungry/dirty/tired...he just wants his way? Is this something I can work on with him or does he just need to outgrow it? How can I balance being there for him in a loving way and over-coddling him?
Told you I was going to ramble : ) Any advice welcome!
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Re: Transitioning from newborn parent to toddler parent
There's absolutely some separation anxiety going on - more that he wants to be held by me rather than sitting with Daddy, being held by grandma, etc. He'll start to wail if he sees me, even if he was happy 2 seconds ago with grandma.
This is something that's going on with Sabrina as well. Her PT said aside from separation anxiety which is common around 9/10 months, that when they start becoming more mobile they'll also go through a phase of needing/wanting you or someone there. Like they wander off and then they are all - AH! Where did they go!
So we're definitely seeing that, BUT we are also seeing that part of it is not getting her way or us not being 100% focused on her. I was actually going to ask Julie about a book she read for Ryan because I think she mentioned there was a version of the same book for 9 month olds.
This is it exactly. Super helpful, thanks!
I feel like I'm still trying to learn where those boundaries are with Eve. I think for me, it became easier when I somehow had the ephiphany that some whines and cries were "real" and some were meant to manipulate the situation. And I don't mean manipulate in a bad way, I just mean that she was trying to effect the outcome of a situation to make it what she wanted.
Now we work on trying to speak her feelings back to her. So, if she is crying or whining because she genuinely needs something, it still gets taken care of right away. If she's crying or whining because she wants something (mommy, daddy, to go outside, to stand up on the couch, her pacifer when it's not paci time), we try to let her know we understand the way she feels and explain why somethings can't happen. So, if I was folding laundry and she was whining because I was in the room, I would say something like, "you're feeling sad because mommy's in the room and not playing with you. Mommy can't play right now because she has to fold laundry. I'll play with you as soon as I can." Then we try to make sure we follow through on any promises that we make. At first, it didn't seem to make much of a difference, but now, it's really helping. We're even working on signs for different emotions. She hasn't used them yet, but we use them when we id her feelings and it really seems to help.
I am likely not the right person to ask, but I'll share our experience...
In hindsight, I think I expected too much of Ty too soon. Separation anxiety started for us around 10 months and didn't really subside until well after 20 months. Granted, he didn't need me right by his side, but he certainly wasn't happy if I left his sight (and would let me know when I returned- he still does this). I couldn't run to the bathroom at play dates, run to the car...etc. Ultimately, I think time and maturity cured our separation issues.
It took a while for me to learn that he wasn't going to die if he cried for a little bit...and it also took me learning to allow him to form strong bonds with other adults. Trusting that his Daddy wouldn't let him die if I wasn't there, etc. I think we both had a tight hold on each other and we both had to work through our own versions of SA. Now that I read this back I am totally no help. Huge hugs, it's a hard transition...
We've been trying this too. DH & I have spent all our not-at-work time focused on Nick since he's at day care all day. Nights & weekends are the only time we have to be with him. So we are almost always doing Nick oriented things and we are giving him 100% of our attention.
Lately we've tried to focus more on the three of us, versus just Nick. Meaning we try to do what we need to do while Nick is playing, etc. And instead of running to him everytime he whines for us, we try to stay in tune to when he really "needs" us vs. just being "needy". Does that make sense? I'm not saying we ignore him or don't play with him, but we try to operate like a normal household. There are times when we have to do chores (which we try to involve Nick in as much as possible) and then there are times when we'll sit & play with him. Emphasizing that we try to include him in all that we do when possible. And when it's not possible, we flip flop - one plays & one works.
It's been a weird & hard adjustment and we're still working on it. My reaction is always to just jump when he calls. But I think it's important for all of us.
It's really helpful, actually! Even just to know I'm not the only one that has struggled with this is really great.