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Parenting
Would you stay in your marriage for your kids sake...
even if you were completely unhappy?
With all this Jon & Kate drama, it makes me wonder. If you and your husband were at completely different places, didn't really love eachother anymore, but had children, would you stay married for the kids? I have a few friends that had no idea their parents weren't happy until they moved to college and their parents filed for divorce.
I am not sure what I would do. In my case, DH and I were not married when we had DS. We wanted to make sure that when we got married it was because we WANTED to, not because we were having a baby, kwim?
WWDY?
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Baby Miles
Bryan Smith - Freelance Photography
Baby Miles
Bryan Smith - Freelance Photography
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Re: Would you stay in your marriage for your kids sake...
I would think of my kids, but I think I would try to tend to my relationship with my spouse, but if it was just that bad, I would split.
I wonder how much jon and Kate tried to work on their marriage.
This is a complicated question for me. It's not an easy one to answer.
I grew up in a home with two people who can't stand each other. They're still married, after 30 years, and literally have nothing in common besides their kids. I always said I never wanted a marriage like theirs.
I did get married before getting pregnant, because I wanted to be sure that he wanted to marry ME, and not me for the kids. Now we have kids, and with kids comes all kinds of issues I wasn't prepared for.
Marriage, I think, is SOOO much harder after kids. And, it complicates things. I'd like to think that I'd stay for as long as I could, even if miserable. In the miserable times, I'd like to think we'd be working things out. If it got to the point where we hated each other, then yes, I hope we'd divorce. I don't think staying together for the kids even though you hate each other is teaching a very good lesson.
So, I guess I don't know the answer!
Nope. When DH was married before, he agreed to stay for their son. His ex had it in her head that he would just fall in love with her again. When he flat out said he wouldn't love her again, he was staying for their son, she finally got it, and then they divorced. It's not fair for kids to grow up in a home with 2 parents who don't want to be together. What kind of impression about marriage does that set in your kids' minds? That's what they're going to grow up expecting of marriage...no love, just 2 people co-existing for their kids.
If it possible to make the situation pleasurable, maybe.
It does not seem like J&K are working at it though. It appears that she is off "working" and he is resenting being left at home with the kids and he checks out when she returns.
I'd normally say hell no.
But I think I'm doing it now.
I'd like to say no. (can't really say until I've been there, I guess)
My aunt and uncle did this...but their kids aren't dumb. My cousin (who is now 25 and engaged to be married) said many times that she was scared to take the plunge into marriage because she didn't want to end up like her parents and have a sh*tty marriage like theirs.
Kids pick up on EVERYTHING. I find it hard to believe too many parents could pull off fooling their kids.
And what are you teaching your children? That you should stick it out and you don't have a right to be happy just because you are a parent? I'd want to teach my girls that they are strong, independent women who deserve happiness...with or without their spouses.
I know that if DH and I did not have kids, I would not be married right now. Having children FORCED us to do marriage counseling and work out our issues, so therefore, we stuck it out for the kids....and came out on the other side, so to speak.
We have a much better relationship now than before our children, and that says a lot.
Honestly this is so hard for me to answer. I know the right answer is no, but my parents are still together, and they adore each other. It would have broken me growing up if they had split. I honestly think it STILL would. (I'm an only child and have always been very very close with my parents.)
I would hate to do that to my little ones. Ugh.
Nope. Kids are not stupid and can sense a shiittty marriage. My mom's parents were in a horrid marriage-yelling, drinking, dad gone, etc. To this day, and she's 61, she said she wished they would have gotten divorced so she wouldn't have had to live in such an unhappy and unstable home.
EDIT: obviously I'd stay if our marraige was going through a rough patch, as they all do. But if we were miserable to the point of never having sex, not sleeping in the same room, only talking to each other about kids activities and household duties, no, I don't think so. If I did stay, I'd probably have to start taking drugs so I would be able to function in a loveless marriage.
Christmas 2011
Probably not.
My parents were divorced, and by the time I was 12, we were begging my mom to leave. But that was because my dad had major mental and alcohol issues. I don't know about general unhappiness.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
ditto
I don't know.
I'd like to say no, I wouldn't stay.
But DH and I went through a hellacious year and a half. We both were unhappy on so many levels... sure, there were happy moments with smiles, but internally we were both a mess.
I stayed.
Why? Not sure I could explain it now... I guess I wanted to give us a chance to work at it.
Now I'm so glad that we did. 6 months ago we were on the verge of divorce--we were really ready to go our own ways. But we decided to give it one more shot... and we both really put all-in. And as a result, our marriage is better now than when we got married...
So I don't know... my brain says I would go... but I don't know what the timeline is for that. We were pretty miserable for a year to a year and a half before I decided it was time to go... Of course, I stayed in the end LOL.
Sorry that was rambly...
I think barring cheating or abuse, I'd likely stay and see if we could work it out, but I would not stay indefinitely. If we tried different things to get to a happier place, and we were still not happy, then I'd be more likely to end it.
I think, also, I'd do what I could to make myself happy. IMO, you can't be happy in a relationship if you yourself is unhappy. I'd want to know first that I was doing what I could to be a happy person (working out, eating healthy, seeing friends, enjoying my job) before I blamed all of my unhappiness on my relationship w/ my husband. I think it's easy to transfer your general unhappiness on the people you are closest too.
This.
Liam is 5!
Short-term -- absolutely
Long-term -- no.
I think every marriage has rough spots -- even extended rough spots, and I wouldn't end a marriage because I was unhappy without spending at least a few years trying to fix it. If it couldn't be fixed then I would get a divorce.
Well, I think every person is coming from a different place. What your background is has a lot to do with what your answer will be. In my case, my parents divorced when I was 5, so at the time I didn't really even care - it wasn't until years went by that I became aware of how sh!tty my parents' marriage was. Turns out, my mom is a huge doormat, my dad was physically/emotionally abusive to her, and my stepdad is emotionally abusive but not physically so, which in my mom's mind makes it ok. So the only happy times we had were the 5 years in between when she wasn't with a man, because she can't be with a man and have a healthy relationship. No one ever considered the ramifications that would have on me.
Some daughters grow up in this kind of environment and become the same as their mothers (like my mother). Others, like me, see it and say, "That will never be me or my kids." A lot of ppl don't consider spouses as parents until they become parents. I think that is a mistake. You need to walk down the aisle knowing you and your spouse will be caring and respectful to each other and to your future children. I never would've married DH if he didn't practically radiate that. There's no way to really know until you actually become parents, but there are a few precautions you can take. DH and I did an Engagement Encounter premarital counseling class. It was a Catholic prerequisite, but you don't have to be Catholic to do it. The class forces you to look at issues you never thought to/were too uncomfortable to discuss. If you can't get through this class, you can't get through a marriage. Like, what if you can't have children and one of you wants to adopt and the other doesn't? You sure as sh!t better know how your fiance feels about that before you say, "I Do." For some ppl, that's a deal breaker.
So I guess my answer is one should take every precaution against divorce to begin with. I feel unless the marriage is abusive in some way, you really should be able to work it out. You need to understand that the decisions you make now WILL affect your children. If you absolutely can't, then... whatever, I'm not going to judge. I just know it won't be me.