SAHMs: Anyone else struggling?

MrsGsoon · May 2009

I stopped working in November, and obviously knew things were going to be a little tight financially going from 2 incomes to 1. Well now I have been home 7 months, and I am 2 months away from being totally out of money in my individual bank account. By that I mean I have 2 months worth of student loan payments left. There is no more discretionary money. I am having a hard time with clothes for this summer with my PP body, and just want to spend a lousy $50 at kohls or target, but I can't even do that. This is the first time in my adult life that I have been in this position, and it sucks. I don't mean this to sound petty- it isn't about clothes. It is about the loss of my financial independence, and I'm feeling so depressed over it.

Ok, vent over....

JLS0320 · May 2009

I'm confused, you can't spend $ unless it's "yours"? DH and I have one account and if I were to SAH (which I can't) I would still manage the finances and go shopping if I pleased. I'm not flaming I am just confused

tracieanchris · May 2009

im confused too, you dont share money?

MrsGsoon · May 2009

JLS0320:
I'm confused, you can't spend $ unless it's "yours"? DH and I have one account and if I were to SAH (which I can't) I would still manage the finances and go shopping if I pleased. I'm not flaming I am just confused

Sorry, I wasn't clear. Of course I can spend the money in our joint account, but emotionally it just FEELS terrible knowing I no longer have my own money to do what I please with, no questions asked. Again, it isn't about shopping, it is about missing financial independence

Cassandra1028 · May 2009

We went over the money coming in (just his) and money going out before deciding if we could afford for me not to work. My "husband's money" pays for everything, including my student loan.

Not trying to be a wise-a$$, but didn't you look at that before deciding to stay home?

And why can't your DH use "his" money to pay for your student loan?

MrsGsoon · May 2009

Cassandra1028:

We went over the money coming in (just his) and money going out before deciding if we could afford for me not to work. My "husband's money" pays for everything, including my student loan.

Not trying to be a wise-a$$, but didn't you look at that before deciding to stay home?

And why can't your DH use "his" money to pay for your student loan?

Oh my god, OF COURSE we looked at that! We are living very well. Both have new cars, live in a home we built a year ago, etc. Money is not an issue for us as a family. Please re-read what I wrote. I was simply asking if anyone else felt a little depressed when they realized that their days of having their own income that they could spend any way they wished were over. Maybe you have to be there to realize it is just a weird feeling, thats all

Donny-stfu · May 2009

I get what you mean. When I quit, I had my own bank account and I was used to spending my money on whatever I wanted, and we never had to worry. I stopped working because my income wouldn't even cover daycare. Now, I used up the last of 'my' money, and we are relying on DH's income. I can't just go and spend money whenever I want, because we are now on a budget and it sucks. You just have to go with it.

Ashley Pharez · May 2009

This is exactly why I could never be a stay at home mom. I guess I'm too selfish. If I want to go buy a new outfit or a get a pedicure I sure as hell am going to do so.

I'm sorry! Maybe you could work part time?

laurandjim · May 2009

I understand what you're saying. I would be really uncomfortable without "my own" money. I've never been dependent on DH for money or anything like that. It was hard enough when we combined finances when I stopped working last year but I still have $ coming in from various things, so I still feel like I have my own money that I can spend without consulting DH.

Can you do any jobs on the side so you can have your own money?

Ashley Pharez · May 2009

MrsGsoon:
Cassandra1028:

We went over the money coming in (just his) and money going out before deciding if we could afford for me not to work. My "husband's money" pays for everything, including my student loan.

Not trying to be a wise-a$$, but didn't you look at that before deciding to stay home?

And why can't your DH use "his" money to pay for your student loan?

Oh my god, OF COURSE we looked at that! We are living very well. Both have new cars, live in a home we built a year ago, etc. Money is not an issue for us as a family. Please re-read what I wrote. I was simply asking if anyone else felt a little depressed when they realized that their days of having their own income that they could spend any way they wished were over. Maybe you have to be there to realize it is just a weird feeling, thats all

Look you are just going to have to get over that. I know you feel guilty about it not being money YOU earned but seriously I'm sure if your husband knew it would make you feel 10 times better to get a few new outfits then he would say go for it. A happy mom= a happy baby. Go treat yourself now please.

MrsGsoon · May 2009

sesa:
I get what you mean. When I quit, I had my own bank account and I was used to spending my money on whatever I wanted, and we never had to worry. I stopped working because my income wouldn't even cover daycare. Now, I used up the last of 'my' money, and we are relying on DH's income. I can't just go and spend money whenever I want, because we are now on a budget and it sucks. You just have to go with it.

THANK YOU! It is just a different mentality, and today for some reason it makes me a little sad. Obviously I wouldn't change our situation (I wouldn't have stopped working if I did!)

jacksjerseygirl · May 2009

MrsGsoon:

JLS0320:
I'm confused, you can't spend $ unless it's "yours"? DH and I have one account and if I were to SAH (which I can't) I would still manage the finances and go shopping if I pleased. I'm not flaming I am just confused

Sorry, I wasn't clear. Of course I can spend the money in our joint account, but emotionally it just FEELS terrible knowing I no longer have my own money to do what I please with, no questions asked. Again, it isn't about shopping, it is about missing financial independence

Hmm- when DH and I married we made everything joint - I have a savings but I don't use it. We each have a master card for one account - we use that for all expenses possible and pay it off each month from the master checking account (we like earning miles and do not pay interest).

I guess this issue delves further into how you and DH initially merged your finances when you were married. I do understand the financial independence thing - I've been there and done that - it was hard until DH made it clear to me that what is his is mine and visa versa and to get over it. lol

I think you should sit down and have a long conversation with DH about your feelings and emotions, and see if you can come to a joint plan of action to help not only reduce your personal worries but also meet your practical needs like new clothing -etc.

bnljane1988 · May 2009

jacksjerseygirl:
MrsGsoon:

JLS0320:
I'm confused, you can't spend $ unless it's "yours"? DH and I have one account and if I were to SAH (which I can't) I would still manage the finances and go shopping if I pleased. I'm not flaming I am just confused

Sorry, I wasn't clear. Of course I can spend the money in our joint account, but emotionally it just FEELS terrible knowing I no longer have my own money to do what I please with, no questions asked. Again, it isn't about shopping, it is about missing financial independence

I guess this issue delves further into how you and DH initially merged your finances when you were married. I do understand the financial independence thing - I've been there and done that - it was hard until DH made it clear to me that what is his is mine and visa versa and to get over it. lol

I think you should sit down and have a long conversation with DH about your feelings and emotions, and see if you can come to a joint plan of action to help not only reduce your personal worries but also meet your practical needs like new clothing -etc.

well said. With DH and me.....our money is our money. There's no distinction. (And over the years, we've gone back and forth with who makes more......that never mattered and still doesn't when considering spending the money. We spend according to what is best for OUR family and budget.)

MrsGsoon · May 2009

Clarification- we have always had 3 accounts. Each of us had/have an individual, and we have a joint. This has worked well for years. All of our "responsibilities" as a family come out of the joint account. We were both making enough to be lucky to have individual accounts with money to "play" with. Neither of us ever cared what we spent our individual money on because we knew all of our responsibilities were taken care of with the joint account

mommy411 · May 2009

I know exactly what you mean....I have always had my own account. We dont have a joint account...I am feeling the loss of control that way! I dont ever want to ask him for money either! I know its a weird thing but hey. Also I think being married in our 30's you have already established "your own" people dont understand but it works for us

julia0402 · May 2009

If it would make you feel better, I think you should calculate what you'd be spending on daycare if you weren't staying home, and consider that "your" money.

risysmama · May 2009

MrsGsoon:
Clarification- we have always had 3 accounts. Each of us had/have an individual, and we have a joint. This has worked well for years. All of our "responsibilities" as a family come out of the joint account. We were both making enough to be lucky to have individual accounts with money to "play" with. Neither of us ever cared what we spent our individual money on because we knew all of our responsibilities were taken care of with the joint account

I totally understand. DH and I have a similar financial arrangement and I feel weird asking for "his" $$ to pay for something for me (clothes, mani/pedi, massage, etc.) He has no problems with it but then again I have never been completely financially dependent on him either. Is there any way you can pick up a side job just so you have your own money? Perhaps watching another LO around your child's age?

bnljane1988 · May 2009

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

Donny-stfu · May 2009

bnljane1988:
I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

I think she is saying that after being financially independent for so long, it is just a rough transition. DH and I have 3 accounts too, and now that mine is drained, it's shiitty having to ask for money. Even though I know it is OUR money. When you have never had to ask for something before, it is hard.

MrsGsoon · May 2009

bnljane1988:

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

Of course. And we did. Like I have said, it is not an issue of us affording these things. DH would have no problem with me going shopping. I guess I am mourning my days of buying things without a second thought. If I was bored, I would go shopping! Those days are over bc it isn't the responsible thing to do. But does that mean I can't miss those days and be a little sad that they are over??

MrsGsoon · May 2009

sesa:
bnljane1988:

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?
I think she is saying that after being financially independent for so long, it is just a rough transition. DH and I have 3 accounts too, and now that mine is drained, it's shiitty having to ask for money. Even though I know it is OUR money. When you have never had to ask for something before, it is hard.

JOEBunny · May 2009

You got a lot of obnoxious responses. Nice...

I know what you mean. We have plenty of money, but we have is subdivided into buckets, savings, bills, DH's spending money (includes things like the car payment for his car and fun stuff for him), and my spending money. I feel like at the end of the month, there is not much left for me. Sure, I could spend some money from another bucket, but that isn't the point.

You can either scour your expenses and see what you could cut to find more discressionary income (I managed to cut $100 out of our groceries by paying more attention to sales and in season produce) or you could take on a task and get paid for it. I know a lot of ladies who do "consulting" in their previous feild for a few hours a week for smaller companies, others who take in children for daytime babysitting, some pick up a shift or two at a resturant weeknights, ect.

MrsGsoon · May 2009

MrsGsoon:
sesa:
bnljane1988:

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

I think she is saying that after being financially independent for so long, it is just a rough transition. DH and I have 3 accounts too, and now that mine is drained, it's shiitty having to ask for money. Even though I know it is OUR money. When you have never had to ask for something before, it is hard.

Yes, this exactly! (Thanks for your help sesa!)

bnljane1988 · May 2009

MrsGsoon:
bnljane1988:

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

Of course. And we did. Like I have said, it is not an issue of us affording these things. DH would have no problem with me going shopping. I guess I am mourning my days of buying things without a second thought. If I was bored, I would go shopping! Those days are over bc it isn't the responsible thing to do. But does that mean I can't miss those days and be a little sad that they are over??

Note taken on the clarification. That's all I was asking. I wasn't attacking you. You don't need my permission for the way you're feeling. I'm just suggesting that in your conversations re: becoming a SAHM, something I thought would have been discussed is having a "fun money" account or whatever you want to call it so that you can go shopping when you want without a second thought.

MrsGsoon · May 2009

JOEBunny: Thanks for your suggestions! I'm going to do some hard thinking about ways to bring in a little extra cash. Right now I'm looking around for things to sell on ebay/ craigslist

De-clutter + money = a happy me!

MrsGsoon · May 2009

bnljane1988:
MrsGsoon:
bnljane1988:

I guess my confusion lies in.....when you and your DH decide together for you to be a SAHM (assuming you made that decision together) wouldn't you then go into great detail about finances?

Of course. And we did. Like I have said, it is not an issue of us affording these things. DH would have no problem with me going shopping. I guess I am mourning my days of buying things without a second thought. If I was bored, I would go shopping! Those days are over bc it isn't the responsible thing to do. But does that mean I can't miss those days and be a little sad that they are over??

Note taken on the clarification. That's all I was asking. I wasn't attacking you. You don't need my permission for the way you're feeling. I'm just suggesting that in your conversations re: becoming a SAHM, something I thought would have been discussed is having a "fun money" account or whatever you want to call it so that you can go shopping when you want without a second thought.

FWIW, I didn't feel attacked by you. Money is such a charged issue for everyone, and everyone has different philosophies/ views about it

Donny-stfu · May 2009

No problem

I'm in the same boat and don't like these people jumping down your throat.

Kellina · May 2009

MrsGsoon:
Cassandra1028:

We went over the money coming in (just his) and money going out before deciding if we could afford for me not to work. My "husband's money" pays for everything, including my student loan.

Not trying to be a wise-a$$, but didn't you look at that before deciding to stay home?

And why can't your DH use "his" money to pay for your student loan?

Oh my god, OF COURSE we looked at that! We are living very well. Both have new cars, live in a home we built a year ago, etc. Money is not an issue for us as a family. Please re-read what I wrote. I was simply asking if anyone else felt a little depressed when they realized that their days of having their own income that they could spend any way they wished were over. Maybe you have to be there to realize it is just a weird feeling, thats all

So you're living very well on one income and you get to be a SAHM?? Must be nice.... I work 40+hr a week and see DS for 2.5 hr a night before he falls asleep...

Sorry I do NOT feel bad for you....

JillBean78 · May 2009

No, I spend OUR money freely. If I want something I buy it, within reason of course. You can't think of it like you don't have any money. You have a job, it is called taking care of the baby.

MrsGsoon · May 2009

Kellina:
MrsGsoon:
Cassandra1028:

We went over the money coming in (just his) and money going out before deciding if we could afford for me not to work. My "husband's money" pays for everything, including my student loan.

Not trying to be a wise-a$$, but didn't you look at that before deciding to stay home?

And why can't your DH use "his" money to pay for your student loan?

Oh my god, OF COURSE we looked at that! We are living very well. Both have new cars, live in a home we built a year ago, etc. Money is not an issue for us as a family. Please re-read what I wrote. I was simply asking if anyone else felt a little depressed when they realized that their days of having their own income that they could spend any way they wished were over. Maybe you have to be there to realize it is just a weird feeling, thats all

So you're living very well on one income and you get to be a SAHM?? Must be nice.... I work 40+hr a week and see DS for 2.5 hr a night before he falls asleep...

Sorry I do NOT feel bad for you....

I wasn't even going to respond to this, but I have to just to say that I'm sorry if you are frustrated with your situation. I DO NOT take for granted how fortunate I am though.

divakat · May 2009

Hmmmm...maybe I'm old fashioned, but I never looked at it like my money or his money. It's always been our money. We don't have separate accounts. That's just the way marriage is to me. It was hard for me to SAH in the beginning, because both DH and I have high power/high stress jobs (we're both attorneys) and then I had to put my career aside while he advanced. I stayed home with dd for 10 mos. and it was the most fulfilling 10 mos. of my life. We make sacrifices as parents, and I was so happy that she wasn't being raised in a daycare by strangers----she was being raised by her mother. I got to see all her milestones. That said, I now work from home and I think it's also great. I get to see my children but we have a nanny who takes them to all of their activities. When my ds is hungry, I can still BF him because I'm home. Sometimes I have to type up a contract with one hand while I BF, but I'm not complaining. Seriously, though, money is not everything. I'm sure after your loans are paid off it will be better for you. Plus, I'm sure once they're paid, if you want to get a few things at Kohls you'll be able to. Don't think of it as "my" money or "his" money. This is yours and Dh's baby together. And you both are making a life together. Your job is just as important as his, even more so.

KathrynMD · May 2009

divakat:
Hmmmm...maybe I'm old fashioned, but I never looked at it like my money or his money. It's always been our money. We don't have separate accounts. That's just the way marriage is to me. It was hard for me to SAH in the beginning, because both DH and I have high power/high stress jobs (we're both attorneys) and then I had to put my career aside while he advanced. I stayed home with dd for 10 mos. and it was the most fulfilling 10 mos. of my life. We make sacrifices as parents, and I was so happy that she wasn't being raised in a daycare by strangers----she was being raised by her mother. I got to see all her milestones. That said, I now work from home and I think it's also great. I get to see my children but we have a nanny who takes them to all of their activities. When my ds is hungry, I can still BF him because I'm home. Sometimes I have to type up a contract with one hand while I BF, but I'm not complaining. Seriously, though, money is not everything. I'm sure after your loans are paid off it will be better for you. Plus, I'm sure once they're paid, if you want to get a few things at Kohls you'll be able to. Don't think of it as "my" money or "his" money. This is yours and Dh's baby together. And you both are making a life together. Your job is just as important as his, even more so.

You might want to be a little more thoughtful about how you phrase things: my husband and I are raising our daughter; not daycare.

divakat · May 2009

KathrynMD:

divakat:
Hmmmm...maybe I'm old fashioned, but I never looked at it like my money or his money. It's always been our money. We don't have separate accounts. That's just the way marriage is to me. It was hard for me to SAH in the beginning, because both DH and I have high power/high stress jobs (we're both attorneys) and then I had to put my career aside while he advanced. I stayed home with dd for 10 mos. and it was the most fulfilling 10 mos. of my life. We make sacrifices as parents, and I was so happy that she wasn't being raised in a daycare by strangers----she was being raised by her mother. I got to see all her milestones. That said, I now work from home and I think it's also great. I get to see my children but we have a nanny who takes them to all of their activities. When my ds is hungry, I can still BF him because I'm home. Sometimes I have to type up a contract with one hand while I BF, but I'm not complaining. Seriously, though, money is not everything. I'm sure after your loans are paid off it will be better for you. Plus, I'm sure once they're paid, if you want to get a few things at Kohls you'll be able to. Don't think of it as "my" money or "his" money. This is yours and Dh's baby together. And you both are making a life together. Your job is just as important as his, even more so.

You might want to be a little more thoughtful about how you phrase things: my husband and I are raising our daughter; not daycare.

Sorry, that's how we view daycare. Not everyone agrees with us, but many people do.

almostabuck · May 2009

I think you need to adjust how you think about money a bit. I can totally understand that you don't feel that you contribute as much financially and the guilt that follows when you spend freely.

The way DH and I have set it up, neither of us are really allowed to spend a ton on our own. We have "fun money". This is an amount that we each get every month to spend as we please. In your case, you and your DH could decide on an amount and move that money to your personal account. You can do whatever you want with that money and don't have to answer for it.

Things like clothes and other predictible items can go directly into the budget so that there is an amount there (we do $50/mo) to spend on clothes.

You are very fortunate that you are able to SAH and still live well on one income. Being frugal is one thing, but you shouldn't have to feel bad about spending money on yourself if you can afford it.

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