baby shower unfairness

mikeandjen · May 2009

DH's sister had a baby in September, and DH's family threw her a huge baby shower. We're talking 50+ people, tons of wonderful gifts, etc. My MIL has told me they are not having a shower for me. She says she was not comfortable having the shower at her house last time, and doesn't want to do it again. I just don't think it's fair! But it's not like I can force them to have a shower for me....am I being unreasonable if I'm hurt by this? *throws myself pity party*

H4'sFan · May 2009

Yes, you are being unreasonable to expect anyone to throw a shower for you.

SAMANTHAGP · May 2009

I think it's understandable that you're hurt but you have to remember that's HER daughter. Even if you two are super close, you're still her daughter IN LAW. I think it's reasonable that she would go above and beyond for her own daughter. Has your mother offered to do something for you?

My boyfriend only has a brother, so his mother is going crazy for our shower, but she will never have a daughter to be close to.

Jason'swife · May 2009

Did she say why she's "not comfortable". That's kinda weird. I think it's reasonable to be hurt. What does DH think?

browneyes_24b · May 2009

I am one who doesn't believe people should feel entitled to a shower, whether it's a bridal shower, baby shower or any other type of shower.

taelir · May 2009

You're not entitled to a shower.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here...it was her daughter vs. daughter-in-law. If my MIL decided to throw showers for every single daughter-in-law plus her one daughter, she'd be throwing SIX showers. See how that could become an issue?

zoieglow · May 2009

mikeandjen:
DH's sister had a baby in September, and DH's family threw her a huge baby shower. We're talking 50+ people, tons of wonderful gifts, etc. My MIL has told me they are not having a shower for me. She says she was not comfortable having the shower at her house last time, and doesn't want to do it again. I just don't think it's fair! But it's not like I can force them to have a shower for me....am I being unreasonable if I'm hurt by this? *throws myself pity party*

Re-read this and I bet you can answer your own question.

madonnadouwanna · May 2009

I hate to break it to you, but technically you are just the daughter-in-law and not the daughter... My MIL kinda has this same mentality about me and my SIL. It sucks and I'd be a little hurt if it was me. Could you offer to have it at your house if she agreed to host?

mollymurphy · May 2009

I guess I can understand being hurt by it, but there's really not much you can do: your MIL (or anyone else) isn't obligated to throw you a shower in the first place.

ETA: I just re-read the title of the post...I don't think there's anything 'unfair' about your situation...she is a daughter. You are a daughter in law. Did you expect your mother to throw a shower for you, or just your MIL? But I'll stick by what I said originally: what's unfair is you expecting anyone to throw a shower for you.

staycee · May 2009

well, I find that very rude of them.

but it's not like you can expect a shower from anyone.

peachypear · May 2009

I think it's totally reasonable to throw yourself a pity party. Just don't actually hold it against your MIL.

BTW, my in-laws (who I get along with really well) didn't throw me a shower. They just mailed gifts to the shower my mom hosted. And my mom didn't throw my SIL a baby shower, and she adores her.

jkipp82 · May 2009

My MIL kept talking about throwing us a shower.....since my family (who IS throwing a shower) is 1.5 hours away - many of DH's older relatives wouldn't be able to make it.......but now we're moving back to my hometown...BEFORE the baby will be born..and I think MIL is mad about that...so we will see what actually happens. As much as I want her to do one, if she won't just because we're moving...oh well!

rbidi · May 2009

Are you not close with your own mother? I don't expect anything from my MIL. She and I have a good relationship, but I know it's different when it's your own kids.

GypsyEsq · May 2009

I can totally see why you're hurt but I agree with the majority of posters, you can't expect your MIL to throw you a shower at all much less one that is on par with the one she threw her daughter. It's just a different scenario. But I'm still sorry because I'm sure this has hurt your feelings and probably at least in the short term damaged your relationship with your MIL.

Pesky · May 2009

Yes and no, for the following reasons:

1. No one is entitled to a shower (as pps have pointed out).

2. You are the DIL, not the daughter. There will naturally be a bit of a different bond there.

3. It can still hurt because it is her son's LO on the way and yes, I get that you might be upset she doesn't seem to want to do something (i.e. reading into it that she doesn't care as much about this GC than her DD's child).

4. From what your MIL said, it could be she was roped into or forced into hosting it at her house and simply doesn't want to deal with that again. There are a lot of machinations behind a shower, not all of them pretty, so hard to throw stones until you know what she had to deal with.

MrsG.060708 · May 2009

You shouldn't expect ANYONE to throw you a shower.

grinsandgiggles · May 2009

Can you throw it elsewhere? We had mine at a lodge's hall (similar to an American Legion or a VFW). It cost us $50 for the day to have it there and it turned out nice:

But yeah, you are just the daughter-in-law....just saw that part. Are you super close? My mom threw mine for me...MIL stayed far away when it came to shower plans and we're pretty close. Maybe someone else can throw it? I know it stinks, but you can't really expect someone to throw you a shower. Even if you don't have one, you'll still get gifts.

babsrut · May 2009

I think it's silly to be jealous. As others have said, a shower is not an entitlement, and it's perfectly normal for your MIL to throw a shower for her daughter as opposed to her daughter in law. Sure, plenty of MILs throw baby showers all the time. Mine isn't going to be one of them, and that is a-ok with me. But if you want a party, throw one, or perhaps your friends or mom already have one in the works for you.

katiefyd84 · May 2009

My MIL is throwing my shower, but I was totally SHOCKED when she offered to do so. My own mom would have but my MIL really wanted to do it. But I told her I by no means expected one from her or anyone else. If someone is throwing you a shower its because they really want to and not because you expect it.

katypresson · May 2009

Why can't they have the shower somewhere other than her house??? We invited over 100 people to mine (which is tomorrow)...so we're having it at a local park...and my mom and MIL are throwing it...what about your mom?

lucyatx · May 2009

I don't think that you can expect her to do it for you. Can you ask your mom or an aunt or someone to do it?

I reliaze that having a shower means that you get some much needed things for your baby but you can't really feel entitled to one.

I did not have a bridal shower and that was just fine with me.

kristin329 · May 2009

I would be a little hurt since they just had a shower for her daughter but wont someone else throw you a shower that they will come to? Your own family or friends?

She could be trying to throw you off too, maybe she is planning something.

amber_tynan · May 2009

Can your mom organize one? Or sister, best friend? I can see how this would upset you, but it's not really the MIL's place to throw a baby shower, it's your side of the family who should be planning one. Maybe even have your DH set one up. My shower is being organized by my mom, sister, best friend, and MIL. She was more than willing to help out, but I doubt she'd throw it on her own.

peeper72 · May 2009

My feelings would be hurt too. You know your "just" the daughter-in-law. It's kind of rough to have you lack of importance in the family pointed out to you - it never feels good to be told that you aren't as special as someone else.

I didn't really get the impression that you consider yourself entitled or that you consider you MIL as obligated. Rather, it was a nice gesture that would have been great to have lavished on you too. Too bad that it's not regardless of the reason.

DarcyLongfellow · May 2009

As others have pointed out, I think it's natural for her to throw a shower for her daughter but not her daughter in law.

Another thing that might be coming into play here is that she probably feels like she just hosted a baby shower, so she doesn't really want to ask those same people to buy another present for another grandchild of hers.

Mike&Care · May 2009

Neither of my MIL's came to our shower or sent a gift. (They didn't even give gifts to us when we got married - but that is a whole other post)

You are not her daughter. You are also not entitled to a baby shower. Hopefully one of your friends throws you one.

Cella_24 · May 2009

You are not being unreasonable at all, and honestly if it was me I would have DH say something to his mother about it. Something like "mom, you know you can't throw a shower for sister and not throw one for wife, it is going to upset her and me".

My Dh is a twin and up until BIL divorced last year the family always made sure if they did something for one they did it for the other.

You have every right tobe hurt!

kellyperk85 · May 2009

katypresson:
Why can't they have the shower somewhere other than her house??? We invited over 100 people to mine (which is tomorrow)...so we're having it at a local park...and my mom and MIL are throwing it...what about your mom?

Good Lord .. that's alot of Thank You Notes to write!!!

chat_noir · May 2009

Pesky:
3. It can still hurt because it is her son's LO on the way and yes, I get that you might be upset she doesn't seem to want to do something (i.e. reading into it that she doesn't care as much about this GC than her DD's child).

This. I would be upset.

acherryfamily · May 2009

I would suggest a different venue.

JasonsMauiMama · May 2009

My MIL favors her other son over DH. If she'd gone all out for BIL's baby and not mine, then, yes, I would feel hurt and slighted.

It does stink - you saw the awesome huge shower that DH's family threw for your SIL and expected you'd get something similar. It's just not going to be like that. So be hurt for today, and then move on. You can always throw a Welcome Baby party after LO is here.

katypresson · May 2009

kellyperk85:

katypresson:
Why can't they have the shower somewhere other than her house??? We invited over 100 people to mine (which is tomorrow)...so we're having it at a local park...and my mom and MIL are throwing it...what about your mom?

Good Lord .. that's alot of Thank You Notes to write!!!

Oh I know!!! So far about 70 have RSVP'd...and there are alot of couples....so I will only have to send about 40-50 thank you's...still ALOT!

jolis_petits_bijoux · May 2009

chat_noir:

Pesky:

3. It can still hurt because it is her son's LO on the way and yes, I get that you might be upset she doesn't seem to want to do something (i.e. reading into it that she doesn't care as much about this GC than her DD's child).

This. I would be upset.

This, too.

I don't think that anyone is ever "entitled" to a shower (just wanted to get that out of the way)... but I understand why the OP is hurt.

Sadly, OP, there isn't much you can do about it, of course. If you were to complain, it would probably not be well-received. Hopefully someone else will throw you a shower.

stever · May 2009

Yes. you're being unreasonable.

johnsoar · May 2009

Although showers are not mandatory it does suck to know what a huge party she had and now they don't want to do anything for you. Is it possible that somebody else might throw a shower for you?

Daisy22 · May 2009

I don't think I'd be upset but I'm pretty sure it would hurt my dh's feelings that his mom didn't want to do something for his LO. But there's nothing you can do about but move on.