NBR: How would you handle this?

FeistyFille · May 2009

DD'ed - thanks for the advice, ladies. I'm shooting a quick, noncomittal email.

GuavaGal · May 2009

I think I know where you're coming from in this situation--I ended a friendship with a toxic person after being friends with her from elementary school through college. By high school, her behavior wasn't great, but tolerable. We shared an apartment in college, and she became so out of control that we spent the last year of college not speaking. And I haven't spoken to her since!

If I received an email from her now, my response would largely depend on what she said in the note. If she somehow acknowledged the craziness and expressed a desire to be in touch, I might correspond with her.

Would I be friends with her on FB? No. (Which reminds me, perhaps I'll look for her there, ha!) But would I exchange an occasional email with her? Probably. Would our friendship go beyond that? Very doubtful.

Even if she made a comment about the past (like "thank goodness I no longer have that awful personality/behavior I did in college), I'd need a lot of proof that she wasn't just acting normal before I let the correspondence/friendship progress.

s-a-r-a-h · May 2009

As someone who was once a toxic friend, I'd give her another chance. I know I've grown a ton in the past nine years, and I feel like I'm a completely different person. I'd at least email or have lunch with her, and if she turns out to be the same person she was in junior high/high school, then I'd distance myself again.

Duckie07 · May 2009

I don't think there's any harm in responding to her (if you want). You can get an update on her and she on you. Perhaps she's curious about what happened to you too. Responding to her email in no way obligates you to let her back into your life.

MrsBeckO · May 2009

I think it would depend on the context of the email.

I cut ties with a toxic friend a few years ago, and when she got wind (we have several mutual acquaintances) of our pregnancy, she emailed me a very generic 'Congratulations.. I know you've wanted this for a long time.. Hope all is well.." type email. I responded with a very simple "Thank you" and did not really open the door to further communication. She hasn't emailed since, and I'm thankful for that.

I felt like while she may have grown in the few years we've been out of touch, I cut ties with her for a reason and am in a good place now with great friends -- no need to revisit the past. ?

FeistyFille · May 2009

Doo dee doo....

Emer · May 2009

I had a similar situation and we talked through email/fb a few times and then I saw her briefly once or twice. I realized she wasn't exactly toxic anymore, but she really hadn't changed such that I would want her to be a regular figure in my life. So, it just sort of fizzled and we don't talk much now. I'm glad we checked in with each other, though, so I would say respond to the friend and just don't commit yourself further than you are comfortable.

borah22 · May 2009

I would just write a quick note back like "Oh hey it is me things are going well. very busy. hope things are going well with you. take care"

then she how she responds and then you will know more about her intentions. FB has re-introduced me to a lot of hold friends and former toxic people are now settled and in domestic bliss and totally rock. Others--well actually one other ---I can tell she is still the same and she is sitting my pending request box and will stay there forever. I tried ignoring but she kept inviting me so this way it will say "pending" to her forever.

anyway--I google lots of people because it is sort of fun and everyone once it a while you do need to send a "hey I found you" type of email but everyone does it so I am not freaked out by it.

MrsMillerTime · May 2009

s-a-r-a-h:
As someone who was once a toxic friend, I'd give her another chance. I know I've grown a ton in the past nine years, and I feel like I'm a completely different person. I'd at least email or have lunch with her, and if she turns out to be the same person she was in junior high/high school, then I'd distance myself again.

I have to agree with this. I think a polite email back would be appropriate, but I don't think you need to be her BFF.

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