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Blended Families
I think SS is testing me
..to see what he can get away with when dad is not home.
According to dad, (i've never seen it - but certainly CAN) that he has his mom wrapped around his finger & life goes HIS way 24/7 over there.
S/O has a strong set of rules over here. The first day back from his moms is always tough with complaining and whining, but he goes back to remembering that he is held accountable here.
Anyways, I'm starting to notice that when S/O is gone & it's just me and SS - he tries to manipulate me & get me to bed the rules for him. He whines when I say no & pouts & will pull alot to get me to cave. So far I've been strong & stuck to the rules that S/O has put into place.
My problem is, I don't want him to perceive me as mean. I'm not trying to be his friend, but I want him to think of me as someone who is enjoyable to be around, and that he can trust/rely on.
Do you think this will be an on going thing, or he will eventually get it? I'm totally new at this, plus I'm just his dad's girlfriend. Any tips for dealing with this? He is 7 (will be 8 in Aug.)
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Re: I think SS is testing me
Are you a SM or a girlfriend/FI? I think that will put things into perspective. If you are a SM - by all means you need to set things straight with him and explain that you and your DH are a team unit - ONE set of rules regardless of who is around.
If you are a girlfriend/FI - he may be testing the waters because he knows that you are NOT his SM... I remember doing that when I was little.
Do you live with him or do you just stay over his dads house?
We still have this problem with my SD. Her house is so hectic when she is with her BM and there are NO rules that when we comes to us - the first few days are always rough (we used to have her all summer and then it was the first few weeks and the last few weeks). When she would try to get me to cave when her dad was not around, I would explain to her that her dad and I were a team... it needed to be explained (although my SD was a little older)
Best of luck to you!! I'm sure that the others will have some advice
I was his long term girlfriend-but we were long distance so I rarely saw "SS." I moved into his place 4 months before we got the (unplanned) BFP. (Yikes, I know!)
S/O has stressed that I'm an adult in this house too. Regardless of our maritial status.
You make a good point about testing the waters since I'm not his SM (& he knows it.) He may not get it & think of us as equals. EX: the other day @ dinner S/O said he needed to finish his meat before moving on to the rest of his meal. He looks at my plate and says "she didn't"
I think you just answered your own question with the last paragraph
What did your SO say when your SS said about the meat? Hopefully he stood his ground. Since you guys just moved in together and it is a fairly "new" thing for your SS, it may just take a little while 
And even though you guys are not married - you are not living in the house - which makes your status a lot more than just "girlfriend"
You could always talk to him about being respectful and following the rules because of the baby - and his responsibility of being a big brother
That may make him feel happy and WANT to do good things. Congrats on your BFP (we've been trying now for awhile with no luck!)
Best of luck to you - and your precious baby!!
I disagree with the first poster saying that it matters whether you're SM or GF/FI... fact is, you're there, and you're there with SO enough for SS to know that together you enforce certain rules.
SS is completely testing you, but understand that they all do and it's nothing personal against you. You just need to stay firm on house guidelines while SO is gone... and your SO will hopefully have no problem with you saying something like, "SS, this is the rule, you know this and should be used to it, this is what your father wants in this situation and I have a responsibility to amke sure that is what happens when you're in my care", or something similar. Maybe he will think you're mean-- so what? Then he should think SO is mean, too, if you enforce the same rules as when SO is gone... and I might even remind him of that if he pushes you enough.
By the time my SS was the same age as yours I had been together with my H for almost 4 years, and SS was *always* trying to test me... ALWAYS... and finally he got the idea that H and I are what is coined as a "United Front"- meaning we agree with one and other (because enough talking about discipline/when to bend have been had over and over) and that what one says, the other agrees with, etc.
Stay strong- he'll be better off for it in the longrun!
I think SS may also be testing you because you are a female. ?He knows what he gets away with at mom's (the big female in his life) and he is subconsciously trying to see if he can pull the same stuff with you. ?
Look him straight in the eye and hold firm. ?
Also, a behavior contract is another suggestion. ?I can't tell how old your SS is from your posts, but if he is more than 8 or 9, you might want to write down his responsibilities, his privileges and the consequences. ?Sit down together as a family and hammer these out together. ?You might even want to add your own list as parents (pay bills on time, pick up responsibilities etc.) so that he sees that everyone in a family has a set of things to do to make the family run well. ?Everyone should sign it and keep it handy in the kitchen. ?Then, when there is a problem, you can tell him that he needs to live up to his contract/word. ?By having the child take ownership of his/her part in the family, a lot of problems can be avoided.
Good Luck!?
He stood his ground. He basically said that I'm an adult and I can choose what I eat. When he is an adult he can make those choices, but until then he needs to eat all of his meat. etc, etc.
We've def. been pushing the whole doing things to be a great big brother. He responds really well to positives like that. So we do it as much as possible.
Thank you. And good luck TTC! I'll send some magic dust your way
Hello!
I wanted to respond mainly to that part about you worrying your SS would think you were "mean" and not want to be your "friend".
I moved in with my DH, who was just my boyfriend at the time, 2 months after we met. He shares 50/50 custody with BM. 1 month after I moved in he was deployed for four months, and I basically became BM's free babysitter 5 days a week.
The first month was a nightmare. Truly. I had no idea what my boundaries were, neither did SD, but I knew her dad's rules and wasn't going to let her run me over. There were a lot of temper tantrums and tears (mine and hers) before we got everything figured out and had an understanding about what I was and what my rules were.
I've been her SM now for almost a year, and i've been her "parent" for two before that. I help her with her homework, go on school trips, volunteer at her kindergarten class, etc. She knows when she is with DH and I that there are rules, but she likes the structure and familiarity now. She tells me she loves me all the time, and even calls me mom (she calls BM "Mamma").
Kids like structure and rules, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. He will learn to love and respect you eventually. Just be consistent and don't force it.
Hope this helps!