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How to know when you're ready?
I'm feeling pressured (not by DH) but by SELF! I feel the need to decide... to have kids or not to have kids! Part of me really desires to have children - I can't imagine looking back in 20 years and not having a family of our own. However, neither of us are really excited about giving up our lives. We want to travel and we both really appreciate our independent lifestyle. Kids will change everything, but... they're suppose to.
I'm so afraid of sitting on this fence too long and the choice being taken from me (meaning once we finally decide to try, we can't conceive - and I don't think either of us have the stamina to adopt - people who run that race amaze me with their perseverance, God bless them!)
Everyone says "you're still young" - Please... I'm 2 years from 35 when they literally title me "high risk"! I ain't no spring chicken! Is it time to get past our fears and not let the opportunity pass us by!? What if I just come off BC and leave it in God's hands (I realize some would say, that isn't leaving it up to fate - if you aren't on BC you'll get pregnant... well, statistics don't lie and so many women these days aren't able to get pregnant and again, I don't think DH and I would go the infertility route we'd consider it our fate.)
Part of me REALLY desires to have children (which means more than one which odds are I'll still have atleast one "high risk" pregnancy) - I know DH has the desire in him too - but neither of us are ACHING for it - is that the only time you should conceive?
I KNOW all my arguments are natural. I'm not sure I'll be a good mother (DH disagrees) - I'm not sure how a child(ren) will change our marriage and that scares me! I am afraid of growing a child in today's world. I am afraid of what we'll get (I won't get into this, other than to say this encompasses, birth defects, an unruly child or an out of control adolescent, etc.) I'm afraid my mother will smother me once I bear her a grandchild. I'm afraid my husband and I won't enjoy it and will wish we could have traveled and focused on OUR desires (I know this argument will be null and void the first time we see our child's face but we've yet to see it - so it's a valid argument at this stage).
I'll stop now. How did you decide it was time? I'm afraid everyone is going to say "I just knew" or "I had the overwhelming desire". But please, tell me how you can know!?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to know when you're ready?
I have to say I could only skim that because it was so long.
I think your fears are all very natural, I know I have had some of the same ones. However, I decided it was time when I could no longer envision my life without a child. Only you and your husband can make that decision.
ETA: Good luck.
I don't really have any advice except meditate on it. Are you willing to wake up one day and realize it's, maybe, too late? I hope that you and your DH make a decision you can be at peace with for the long haul.
Personally? I feel it. I have a wonderful marriage, a loving DH, but a tiny hole in my heart that is just aching for a child. I'm not sure everyone feels that way or even needs to feel that way. But, I wish you good luck with whatever you ultimately decide.
Whoa. That was a lot for one post.
And: we're all scared, parenthood does not and will not go smoothly. But bringing a new life into this world means that it is worth it, and you have to have that feeling to be ready to have kids. Please do not TTC if you aren't willing to sacrifice your lifestyle.
Do you feel like having kids is something one is "supposed to do?" If that's truly why you're feeling pressured, then I'd say wait a while longer. When you get the ache, you know it. I think a lot of women on here are still scared of some aspects of TTC and parenting, but the wonderful things all outweigh any fears we have. That's how I know I'm ready for baby #2, if that makes any sense.
Holy wall of text. There's no way I'm going to read that.
If you have to ask a group of strangers about whether or not you're ready to have a kid, the answer is NO.
and this exactly.
I am of the opinion you are never 100% READY to have kids. At least, we were never going to be. We didn't have a burning desire to conceive right then. We knew, like you, that we DID want to have kids. And like you, a lot of what comes along with that scared the bejeezus out of us.
What helped us is that we planned it in advance. We agreed that on DH's 29th birthday, we would start TTC. I turned 29 four months earlier than that. I knew that the older you get, the more complications are possible, and we both wanted to have multiple children. So we thought it through rationally and came up with a timeline to start. We knew it could potentially take a long time to get pregnant, so we were wanting to give ourselves about a 1-year buffer before I hit my 30s. As it worked out, we got our BFP about 3 months before my 30th birthday.
By the time we started TTC, we had been together almost 12 years and married just over 3. We made sure that we enjoyed our lives together to the fullest. We traveled. We slept in. We stayed up late. We loved it. If we had waited until the day we no longer wanted to travel, no longer wanted to sleep in, no longer wanted to stay up late, we never would have had kids.
It also helped that we talked a lot about what our priorities were, and about how we were determined not to let kids totally change who we were. We love to travel, so we agreed that we would do everything possible to continue to travel with our kids. Kids don't end your life, they just change it.
I guess that's a really long way of if you wait until you're ready to give up your life, you're never going to get there. If you know you want to have kids, sometimes you just have to jump and trust that life goes on.
That's what I was thinking.
I wish GL in your decision, DH and I just knew we wanted to have kids. I feel like children will only add to our wonderful journey through life. They are a blessing and I agree that you should wait until you and DH agree on the issue.
dx: Male Factor Infertility, low sperm count, low motility
History:
3 Clomid IUI's=3 BFN
took a break from trying for the last 3 years
Currently:
met with doctor 2/2/16, actively TTC #1 again, excited
***Fost/Adopt Parents, 1 y/o, 3 y/o***
BFP #3 -mm/c @ 7wks, discovered at 9wks, D&C 9/28
BFP #4 5/29 EDD 2/9 - please be our rainbow
This is what bothers me in your post. I'll be 35 this year and my dr says that they have to consider high risk but it doesn't necessarily mean you will be. I have a friend who had 2 kids from 36-40 and they are both perfectly healthy.
I will agree w/the other pps in that you BOTH need to be ready and to WANT it. I'm not a mom yet, and I KNOW it changes your lives (I see friends and family who have had children)
So did your DH disagree that you WOULD or would NOT be a good mother? If he's not on board and isn't there to support you and your child(ren) then it won't work.
And yes, it will change EVERYTHING.
I'll play nice.
I think it's normal to wonder if you're ready and to worry about not being able to have kids in the future. And I actually think it's pretty normal to reach out and ask other people if they feel the same--I mean, at least you're being honest.
But it's like one day the pro column outweighed the "Oooh! Am I ready yet?" and we went for it. I used to joke with DH that we'd have 9 months to really get used to the idea.
It's still sinking in, but I'm thrilled. ;-)
For me it was the holidays. Every Christmas DH and I would wake up, open our ONE big present and move on to our extended familes to enjoy watching their kids open gift. It was a true sense of family. I saw what joy those kids brought to my sisters. I wanted that. So we waited a full year after that to make sure it was what we "really" wanted.
Sure enough I really wanted that sense of family. I wanted my own child to spoil, to yell at, to feed to love. My age had something to do with it too if I'm being honest. It sounds like your on the verge. I say wait a year and see how you both feel. These are the inkling that I got prior to starting. Good luck
Thanks for your thoughts!
"I think your fears are all very natural, I know I have had some of the same ones. However, I decided it was time when I could no longer envision my life without a child." Hmmm - I can't say I'm to that point yet.
"Are you willing to wake up one day and realize it's, maybe, too late?" That's a good question... I'll have to think on that!
Do you feel like having kids is something one is "supposed to do?" No, I can't say I feel that way. DH and I have talked about should we decide to not have children and that is an option for us.
RSSNLVR - thank you for your post! I've always heard that, if you wait for the perfect time, you'll never have them. I guess fear is holding us back more than anything. We know what life is like now - with the two of us. We are very happy and we don't feel like anything is missing or like we have to have a child to complete our "family" (not that all people who conceive feel that way) - but I think we are scared of changing the dynamic! We'll have to talk more indepth about how we'd make sure we keep US alive after a child. Maybe that would sooth some fears!
i would just say don't have kids unless you're sure you want to. but it's not true that you have to stop doing everything you do now after you have kids. all of our close friends with kids do everything they used to do and almost always have their kids with them. they have dinner parties and have people over late and their kids just go to bed when it's their bedtime.
it is definitely not like that with everyone but if you still want to travel, there's no reason you can't with kids unless you just don't want to. the only difference our good friends have made as far as travelling is they usually have to take a babysitter with them but i don't even think that's necessary for everyone. if you want to keep up your lifestyle after kids, you will make it work.
i would definitely suggest that if you plan to have biological children you make the choice soon because unfortunately as women, we don't always have the luxury of being able to have kids in our 40s (even though you could be one who gets lucky and is able to). good luck!
I'm 34, and I'm not sure I want kids, so I hear you. Some people know 100%, others don't. I don't think you need an a-ha moment before you start trying, but its also ok just to decide to not have them or put it off.
I don't think you have to give up your life to have them, but I agree with you that some people do. When we were on our honeymoon in Vietnam and Laos we saw lots of young families backpacking, and it was really refreshing and hopeful to see. I've lived all over the world and really want my child to experience that too. It might be harder to do, since most of your friends may not travel with their kids (certainly not to exotic locals or in a "traveler" v. tourist style) but there are people out there that do and love their lives.
A friend told me once that you don't have to turn your life around to fit a baby, that you can fit the baby into your life. Of course your life will change, but you don't have to lose who you are. If you and your husband have desires to travel, move around a lot, etc., impart your desires to a child. everyone will be better for it.
plus, honestly, and i've learned this the hard way, this isn't the website to look at if you're questioning. most everyone here is totally on the baby train. check out indie bride/indie mom.
good luck.
I agree with those who have said that you'll never be 100% ready. DH and I are holding on to the idea that we'll just know when we know. We also want to make sure we have all of our ducks in a row with careers, finances etc.
GL with your decision!
Ditto this. If you have to ask, your not ready.
except this isn't what she was asking. she was asking how did other people know.
This has probably been said but I will put in my 2 cents anyway. I went through a period like this last fall when I thought I wanted it then I thought we are not ready....etc. But then I literally woke up one morning and decided I really was ready and wasn't going to look back. I told my DH (who was back and forth just like me) he said ok, I made a preconception appt. for 3 months later (which was last week) and we just went for it. Now we couldn't be more excited.
Try to picture your life in 20 or so years...are there children there? Where do you want to be, do you want to have grandchildren one day? Hopefully that will help. GL
i think if you have to ask then you aren't ready.
if you think your life is over when you have a child then you aren't ready.
if you don't feel a desire to have a baby then you aren't ready.
if you don't have the financial resources to care for a child, then you aren't ready.
if you can come up with 100 "cons" to having a child, and the only reason you can come up with as a "pro" is that it might be harder for you later if you wait, then you aren't ready.
Having a child IS life-changing (not life ending) but you have to be 100% sure that you are ready (and welcome) that change.
Wh