Would you be upset?

dani921 · May 2009

My SD did not call me for Mother's Day . She is 10 years old and I have been in her life for 7 years , and we get along very well. I was a little hurt that she did not call for Mother's Day? My husband said I was being too sensitive , how would you guys feel?

Kyah · May 2009

Honestly I probably would be a little hurt (more at your DH) but I wouldn't expect her to call. I don't think that is the kind of thing a 10 year old does on their own without prompting from a parent. Maybe I am wrong, SS is only 8. But he wouldn't do anything special for his mom let alone me if DH, myself, or the school didnt suggest it to him. If anything your DH should have had her do a little something for you before Sunday.

Mrs.H. · May 2009

you are over reacting. A 10 year old doesnt do those things on their own. I highly doubt her mother would prompt her so get over it. It was your DH's responsibility to help her do something for you for mothers day.

lizlopez23 · May 2009

I agree dh dropped the ball, if you are going to be upset it should be at him

MrsHK · May 2009

Ditto, it would have been up to your DH to do something. Given that she likely spent Mother's Day with her mom she was a little preoccupied, and a 10yo doesn't think of these things herself.

Has he done something with SD for you before? Yes, before you may have simply been a SM and now you are a mom with your own DC. However, that still doesn't change the fact that you are not SD's mom. I think it's great with SK celebrate mother's day/father's day for their step-parents as well but I don't think it's to be expected. Unless of course the precedent has been set previously; or the SP is custodial or BP is out of the picture, etc.

GeoffreytheGiraffe · May 2009

Too sensitive. And ditto Mrs.HK, your SH has a mom. That's one of the things about being a great SM...even if you are a superstar someone else is always mom....

DREWLILY · May 2009

I would be a tad upset too. You've been in SD's life a long time, so you have definitely been a mother figure to her. Even tho you aren't technically SD's mom, I can still understand how you would be a little hurt. I def think DH should have done something or at least listened to you vent about it and not tell you that you are too sensitive. This coming Sunday is step mother's day, maybe put a bug in DH's ear about how nice it would be to celebrate that.

sarabeth05 · May 2009

I have the same issue. My SS is 91/2 and I have also been there since he was 3, and he never calls me on Mother's Day. I blame his Mother, who should be considerate and adult enough to prompt him to make the call. It upsets me and my Husband every year. Sorry to hear you are in the same boat! But remember, you are not alone!

Karma1969 · May 2009

My SS is 10, and I have been in his life for 6 years. I didn't expect him to call and he didn't. It's Mothers Day and I'm not his Mom.

I didn't call my Step Mom. It never entered my mind to do it, and I'm an adult. The day is about my Mom.

Ilumine · May 2009

Here is the thing, 10 yo won't do anything for their parents on their own...so why do you think you are any different?

My SS has missed his own mother's birthday and valentines day this year. I even got him a card for V-day and gave him plenty of warning to get it out on time. He couldn't be bothered until after the fact.

And the entire time he was with BM, he never once called DH on fathers day, got DH a present for his birthday or on the Christmases BM had him. In fact, this Christmas, it took DH calling SS at 8:00 pm to talk.

Kids lack empathy and forward thinking. It is up to their parents to teach them these things.

Its the same concept with families who send various holiday/special events cards to the adult vs those who don't. These families are taught it.

So ask yourself this - why didn't your DH think to remind her? Does he understand how important it is to you?

Mrs.Astros_Fan · May 2009

My SD is 14 and I didn't hear from her. We have a pretty good relationship and it did hurt my feelings a little. I'm not going to bring it up so she doesn't feel guilty. I blame DH a bit, but I'm not going to make a big deal about it. You have to pick your battles.

xmaryrickx · May 2009

Yes and No.

I understand being hurt, but I would let it roll off. Meaning I would not say anything to the child or your H about it.
Neither my 14 yo SS, or my 22 yo SD called me. Of the two, I have to admit I was bothered that SD did not call me-as I have been her biggest cheerleader, and support, but whatever. I did not expect a 14 yo, whose mother hates me to call me.

Kyah · May 2009

Illumine, I absolutely adore the latest pic of your DD!

To PP who said that its about moms and not the SM, imo Mother's day is about honoring the moms in your life. DH's grandma was like a second mom to him, so we get her a card and spend time with her too. If you are a custodial SM or have equal parenting time, the SM usually puts in a lot of the hard mom work. Its nice to get a little appreciation for that.

APJP610 · May 2009

My SD is 7, I have been with DH since she was 20 months old. Fortunetly, BM didn't want her until 2pm on Mother's Day, so I got to spend the majority of the day with her.

If she had been with BM all day and didn't call me, I wouldn't be upset. My SD is only 7 and doesn't have the forethought to remember to call people on holidays. And I'm sure BM wouldn't ask her if she wanted to call.

However, my DH always buys me Mother's Day gifts, even when we don't have SD.

jpowell3 · May 2009

Kyah:

To PP who said that its about moms and not the SM, imo Mother's day is about honoring the moms in your life. DH's grandma was like a second mom to him, so we get her a card and spend time with her too. If you are a custodial SM or have equal parenting time, the SM usually puts in a lot of the hard mom work. Its nice to get a little appreciation for that.

I agree. Also is there a chance he may have thought about it, but felt akward or didn't want to ask his mom to use the phone in fear of upsetting her? I also agree w/everyone else. Your dh dropped the ball.

Saran · May 2009

Karma1969:

My SS is 10, and I have been in his life for 6 years. I didn't expect him to call and he didn't. It's Mothers Day and I'm not his Mom.

I didn't call my Step Mom. It never entered my mind to do it, and I'm an adult. The day is about my Mom.

Wow harsh. While I agree a 10 year old isn't going to make the call without a reminder from a parent, Mothers Day is not about honoring only the woman who squeezed you out her butt. I appreciated the fact that my step kids mother shared the day with me and let me have the morning with them. She reccognized that I am the stand in mother half the week when she isn't there. I didn't give birth but I do all the things she does wed-sun. Yes, there are adults out there with step parents who they didn't like and probably don't call on the day, but I think most of them as they get older most likely do call or give a card. I have a great relationship with my step kids and even though they have to be reminded to make my card every year at the age of 7, I think they will probably call on their own or send a card when they get older. They know who their mom is but they also recognize all the hard work I do for them and love and support I give them. Wait til she's older, it will get better.

msmichelleh · May 2009

Karma1969:
My SS is 10, and I have been in his life for 6 years. I didn't expect him to call and he didn't. It's Mothers Day and I'm not his Mom.

I didn't call my Step Mom. It never entered my mind to do it, and I'm an adult. The day is about my Mom.

I wish my MIL a Happy Mother's Day, and she isn't my "Mom".

knmommy · May 2009

She has a mom, you may have been in her life for a long time.

mrs.conn23 · May 2009

I am a full time SM to my SS and have been for five years. He didn't even say 'Happy Mother's Day' to me until 8pm that night and we had been together all day. SS and I even went a bought Mother's Day gifts for my MIL on Saturday and Sunday. Did it bother me? No. 'Cause I know what I mean to him on a day in and day out basis.

So yes, I think you're overreacting. She's a kid. Kids don't remember to do things like wish someone a happy birthday, mother's day, father's day, groundhog day, etc. w/o a reminder.

DREWLILY · May 2009

Kyah:
To PP who said that its about moms and not the SM, imo Mother's day is about honoring the moms in your life. DH's grandma was like a second mom to him, so we get her a card and spend time with her too. If you are a custodial SM or have equal parenting time, the SM usually puts in a lot of the hard mom work. Its nice to get a little appreciation for that.

I totally agree, Kyah! It's not just about who gave birth to you, mother figures come in all types. I'm adopted, should I not celebrate my adoptive mom on Mother's Day? That's silly. I wish all mom's a happy mother's day even if they aren't mine...my mother in law, my friends who are mothers, my mom's friends who are mothers. IT's just a celebration day for woman who have children in their lives that they love and 'mother'.

Karma1969 · May 2009

DREWLILY:
Kyah:
To PP who said that its about moms and not the SM, imo Mother's day is about honoring the moms in your life. DH's grandma was like a second mom to him, so we get her a card and spend time with her too. If you are a custodial SM or have equal parenting time, the SM usually puts in a lot of the hard mom work. Its nice to get a little appreciation for that.
I totally agree, Kyah! It's not just about who gave birth to you, mother figures come in all types. I'm adopted, should I not celebrate my adoptive mom on Mother's Day? That's silly. I wish all mom's a happy mother's day even if they aren't mine...my mother in law, my friends who are mothers, my mom's friends who are mothers. IT's just a celebration day for woman who have children in their lives that they love and 'mother'.

I agree it's about Mom's. In my case my step mother isn't in a mothering role to me. She married my Dad when I was about 20 I think.

Everyone has a different view about what Mother's Day means to them. To me it's about my Mom.

The adoption comment is crazy. That is your Mom.

DREWLILY · May 2009

"The adoption comment is crazy. That is your Mom. "

That's my point, Karma. But I think you're right, everyone just has a different view on what Mother's day means to them. Some people think it's just for the person who gave birth to you and others think it's for any motherly figures in your life.

justslide · May 2009

I would not be upset. My SD is 11 and I have been in her life since she was 5 years old. I am not her mother. I am her stepmother. She spent Mother's Day with her mother and her attention was right where it belonged. She spends Father's Day with us and doesn't call her stepfather on that day either.

FWIW, we get along wonderfully and I love her with all my heart. But, I didn't even think it would be appropriate for her to call me on Mother's Day either.

JMHO

Pam

MichelleWP · May 2009

Honestly I never even thought about having my son call his step-mom on MD (they've only been married a few months though). I've been married for 6 yrs and my son's BD has never had him call my husband on Father's Day and I guess it doesn't bother us. It's an individual thing.

mom2one · May 2009

If the child thinks of the stepmom as a "mom" figure...I think it would occur to them to call. In our case, I sent ex's gf a "happy mom's day" text message since she's a mom to her own son...but not to mine. DS wouldn't think of it.

sdc81 · May 2009

I am not sure how I even feel about your H saying you're too sensitive... does he not understand the important role you play in your SD life?

I don't think you're overreacting; I would be upset, too. In fact, for the past 3-4 years my SS has kind of backed off Mother's Day a bit, and I have chalked it up to two things: his mother has, for some reason (but it's a good thing, nonetheless) decided to be more present in his life and thus I am no longer a fill-in like I used to be, and he's nearing teenage territory with each passing year.

As long as it's not SD's own mother who would keep her form calling and sicourage it, then I would say it's OK to feel a little sad about not hearing from her.

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