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3rd Trimester
How are you scheduling visits from family who are out of town?
Pretty much our entire family lives elsewhere including all 7 of our parents (divorced and remarried parents)....so already there seems to be some stress on my end about all these visits. Of course I want everyone to meet their newest family member but how does this all work?
I want my mom to have the first visit...she is my mother and we pretty much worked out her visits! DH's dad and stepmom sent an e-mail about asking us when they should come to visit in August. Thank you for asking. Seriously. My dad and stepmom have a major work conflict that they really can't miss too much of so their visit would be very difficult to plan until after August (sounds weird bu the summer is when the work happens) I feel like others are assuming!
This all came up because my BIL called last night and mentioned hopping in car to come visit after the baby is born and my MIL said she better be in the car too. Ok great but could you ask me first when is the good time for us. I know it is hard (and expensive) to schedule flights in advance when you don't know exactly the baby will be born so I am aware of that and sympathetic....but I have this vision of all of our weekends filling up and being about entertaining, picking up people at the airport and housing people and all that.....and I just can't envision that right now. Besides I plan to breastfeed and I really don't want to be getting comfortable with BF in front of all of these people in the first two weeks or so...
Is this selfish? Am I being emotional pregnant woman? Any advice on how to plan for visits from the out-of-towners?
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Re: How are you scheduling visits from family who are out of town?
Here's what we are doing, my family lives a 5 hour drive away. My plan is to call them once we are admitted to the hospital and then they can decide when to start driving up. They are all aware of the local hotels, and I informed my mom that our house is closed to overnight guests as we only have 2 bedrooms and they are now full. So she can come up and stay as long as she wants, but she has to stay in a hotel and no dogs are welcome to visit.
DH's family all live within minutes so we've let them know that we'll arrange visit times with them as our schedule allows- but anyone who brings food is welcome to come for an hour or two.
we've resigned ourselves to the fact that family wants to come and see the new baby immediately; luckily, we only have 2 sets of parents to deal with...my folks "commute" from shanghai, so they'll be here for 6 weeks (staying in their own house, of course!) and the ILs will be coming from LA for a week as soon as the baby is born (staying with us)...my rule to my husband is that i will not entertain or cook for them (unless i should feel up to it) and that my parents do the cooking since they know what i enjoy eating...
my sister had to deal with more b/c her DH's parents are divorced/remarried...my folks who are local visited daily and really helped with the baby (took care of baby, cleaned house, cooked all the meals, did laundry, etc...even did night duty for my sister and her DH)...his folks who live on the east coast arranged 1 week visits each, about a month after the baby was born, and over separate weeks. mom always stays with them b/c she doesn't have family in CA; dad always stays with his own sister...all other extended family waited until we had the traditional "red egg/ginger party" after 2 months and they all stayed either with my parents or in hotels.
try to stay positive - all of the family ended up being very helpful and not at all in the way; my BIL is very private, and we worried about him feeling overwhelmed by all of us...he's actually shared that it was great to have the extended family around b/c they took care of all the "life" things that tend to get dropped with a new baby (dog walking, cleaning the house, laundry, cooking, etc)...if you have higher maintenance family (like BIL's own parents), just schedule them for a week at a time...
you are not being selfish at all, my mom (long story short is not helpful in any way and needs to be taken care of herself) is planning a trip to see the baby. I was and still am dreading it, but I set ground rules, she must bring someone with her to help with her needs, she must stay in a hotel and they must have a rental car. I also said she could not come till at least 4 weeks after the baby was born.
I know this sounds harsh but there is a lot of background people don't need to know with her. But what I suggest is you set up a schedule and let everyone know up front you dont want more than X people at a time, and that you want this and this. They should be pretty understanding.
Wow... 7 parents to schedule. GL!
We just straight up talked about it with our parents/family (DH's siblings live out of state and want to visit), like we would for any travel plans. Everyone wants to shower us and the baby with attention, but ultimately we had to be practical. It's wonderful that some of them are asking!
I'd be proactive with the others so that there's no misunderstanding.
The first thing we laid out was that only one set of guests were coming at a time. Also, we were clear that they were staying with us to help, not just coo at the baby (although they can do that too
My parents are coming first, because DH has observed with his siblings that the mom's mom should get "first dibs." They'll be with us for about a week when my husband returns to work. Not only does that give us a good excuse for having time to ourselves, but it really is when we anticipate needing some extra help.
His parents have been through the grandbaby thing before (it's #7 for them), so they are cool about coming later. They aren't the kind of folks to plan actual dates for their visits (weird, but I've started to adjust), but they plan on being out when LO is about two months, so I don't care about having dates.
DH's brother and sister are going to put our house on their summer vacation path. They will only be with us for a day or two. They have given us dates that are fairly firm and do not conflict with any other visiting family.
One of DH's sisters would NOT be helpful. In fact, she's a PITA in general. Plus, her and I don't get a long. Fortunately she hasn't mentioned visiting and we aren't going to put the idea in her head. If she does, we're going to say that we're all booked up for the summer (when I'm on leave, so we'll need to look at how our schedule works once I return to work... which of course is just a way to shake her off. Or, we'll steer her to come out with DH's parents - because we can only have one of them stay at our house (and DH's parents made arrangements first!) so she and her family would have to stay at a hotel. She'll throw a big fit and refuse to come. Either way, we win.
All our family is out of town as well. When everyone started making plans and informing us of them, I put a stop to it. I simply said we have a lot of family that all want to see the baby at the same time and it is not feasible for us to entertain/have everyone in town at the same time.
Anyway, first rule was everyone had to stay in a hotel. We explained it as we would have to adjust to having a toddler and infant in the house, and we felt everyone would sleep better with guests in a hotel (us and the guests). This went over well and wasn't a surprise, because we had the same rule when we had DD.
Next I just opened a calendar and began slotting people. We gave priority to the grandparents (our parents). They are coming around the due date and will stay a bit after. We will have my parents and my ILs at the same time. They get along so its not an issue. Next we began slotting our sisters and their families. One family per week with them.
Most people still angled to have things their way, so DH and I listened to their reasons and tried to take them into account, but we couldn't always. For example, that meant my ILs couldn't be here at the same time as my SIL (their daughter), but they couldn't argue that SIL deserved the visit before my parents so they didn't say anything. We aren't hosting a family reunion...we're having a baby.
Thank goodness I am not alone in this. I love my family but I am starting my own family and need a little space and control over that in those first few weeks! Thanks everyone....and if there is any more thoughts/advice...please send then in!
You are totally not out of line - its a stressful time, and the most important thing will be to keep you happy, so that baby can be happy.
We have 3 sets of parents (one together, one divorced & remarried, one single) who live a 5 hour drive away. DH and I agreed its my call in what order people come to stay with us, as having company one after the other is a lot of work without baby, forget with a newborn, learning to breastfeed etc...
So, we decided that we'll take the first three days at home to ourselves. Just for us to enjoy each other, and our son, new familiy dynamic and get settled in with the chaos of it all.
My mom will drive into town the fourth day we're home, and she is staying 10 days, at my request. She's a neat freak like me, so I know she'll cook & clean and help lots with the baby. My dad will drive in to spend a long weekend with us, but he wont be here the whole time... I dont need my dad hanging around while I master BF. Once mum & dad leave, we'll have 2 days before my mother in law comes for a week with her husband.
Im actually REALLY not into my MIL's hubby staying with us, as he's a bit frustrating to be around, and Im just not too keen on the men around while I master BF! My FIL will actually be waiting till we drive into our hometown for the long weekend in September.
Im not sure what to do about my sisters in law who also want to come, but Im not putting up all those people in my house with a less than 4 week newborn, so Im not sure how that will work out... They may have to stay at a hotel!
whatever you do, dont be afraid to make decisions based on what your comfortable with... those first few weeks arent about them, they're about you and your DH and new little one!
You SHOULD be shelfish. this is your time to be selfish.
We have tons of out of towners too, and we have not sugar coated a thing. We have made it perfectly clear that they are coming out to see a brand new baby and that we are brand new parents-- this is NOT a vacation.
That being said- we've laid some ground rules: one set of parents (biological parents- so mom/SD or SM/Dad) staying with us at a time for up to 3 nights- that way if there are more than one set in town, they can each have their time with the babe. If you aren't a biological parent (or their spouse) we have suggested tons of hotels that are very close. As for transportation: everyone is on their own. Cab it or rent a car.
The way I look at it: I have what they want to see...so, play by my rules and no one gets hurt
As for entertaining-- my advice to you is: don't do it!!! instead- ask your guests to help out around the house...ie: hey stepdad-- I need to feed the babe- would you mind unloading the dishwasher for me? Hey mom- babe is super upset, but I know we were looking to have dinner in 20 minutes-- would you mind chopping these veggies for a salad while I go take care of business?
If they want to get out and see the city- give them a map and tell them to have at it. If you want to nap while you have a houseful, do it! Trust me- they'll find things to do.
if anyone starts to grumble...just remind them that it takes a villiage
GL!!!
HA! That is the best line! I agree 100%.