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Washington Babies
Anyone else have an MIL...
who acts as though spending time with her grandchild is the biggest inconvenience she can be bothered with?
Maybe it's because I was raised in a family with... I dunno... LOVE?! that this gets to me so much. Maybe it's that she made all these promises before we moved here... from BOSTON... to watch DD all the time, and now doesn't really follow through... or does so begrudgingly. Maybe it's that MY mom is in VT crying her eyes out on a regular basis b/c she misses me and DD so much, and we miss her just as much.
Don't tell me it's cultural - it might be a little cultural, but it is not all that. One of my close friends has a Chinese MIL that she fears never being able to get rid of once she has a baby. Her MIL has a closet in her house full of baby clothes for a baby that doesn't exist yet. Plus, I've yet to meet an Asian family as distant and emotionless as DH's. They are on the extreme side of the spectrum, I am telling you.?
Maybe my friend's MIL would be worse to have, I dunno... but we only have DH's family out here and they could give a rat's a$$ that we're here. MIL skipped DD's birthday party just for the he!!, for cripe's sake. And we had to cancel it - we have NO ONE ELSE here. I don't know how much more I can take of this not caring. I wish I knew how bad it was before we moved out here, because I certainly didn't.
Sorry, I posted something similar on the Parenting board a while ago, so I'm sorry for those of you who are reading this twice, but I am really having a hard time with this. MIL just baby-sat, w/the same kind of attitude, which is why it's fresh on my mind again. Whatever the cause, I will never understand not wanting to spend time with your family just for the sake of being with them, because you love them. UGH.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Anyone else have an MIL...
You know it's a catch 22. Either you have a MIL who is not wanting to be involved or one that's too involved. And either they are normal, or crazy. I am sorry your MIL is being like that when she said she would help out more. I don't know if it's a cultural thing because I don't know the Chinese culture very well. I can say though, in some ways you maybe thankful for that. I sometimes wish my MIL wasn't so involved. She can be helpful and at other times she thinks she is the kids mother. Drives me nuts. There really should be a happy medium.
Have you tried talking to your MIL about it?
I guess I should specify that the ILs are Korean, not Chinese. The only reason I would lump them is that MIL does it a lot when referring to certain behaviors - yesterday she was telling me DH worries a lot about finances b/c that happens a lot w/Asians, b/c they set a higher bar. Plus I just kind of know from college studies, etc. that Northern Asians (Chinese, Japanese, Korean) tend to be more similar to each other than, say, SE Asia or India. Aaanyway...
I guess I could try talking to her about it, but something about her is so intimidating, you know? It's harder to talk to your MIL like you can your own mom... for me, anyway. Plus, I feel like since she's been like this forever and actually has sets of values attributed to it (like, money is more important, we show we care by giving you money and sending you to good schools and keeping you out of the ghetto) I don't really believe she's capable of change at this age.?
I don't really know which would annoy me more, but sometimes I think being too involved might be better, just b/c at least then I'd know she actually cared about us at all. ?
Thanks for the support, anyway, ladies!?
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My MIL always tells us how much she wants to see DD, but then doesn't call or response to invitations. THEN makes it sounds like I don't want her around. BUT shes just plain crazy......
Sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks!
Lots of asians value career/status/money/family face as top priority. What I mean by family face is to make everything seem like everything is perfect so that others will be envious of them and to never show any sort of problem in their lives. Some parents do think money is the ultimate key to happiness but often they are wrong. They feel if they can provide for the family financially then their kids can go to school to get a better education and live in a nicer home in the suburbs and etc. That way they can have children with a good career, have some sort of status because so and so is working for this top company, which shows the money at the end with the glamorous house and luxury cars they buy, and maybe their kids will take care of them when they get old. But then again, who doesn't want money since it is known to be the root of all evil?
Some mothers say things empty handedly and it's not all asian moms. Once in awhile, yes, that does happen, but I think it varies from person to person and circumstances on this one. Maybe your mil feels lazy and doesn't feel like spending time with her granddaughter. It definitely sucks in your position since she's not your mom but maybe your dh can talk to her. Does she say things to make it sound like it's too inconvenient for her to take care of your dd? Can you drop dd off at her house? My sister went through the same with her mil but my mil would watch my dd anytime. My mom would watch my dd most times if she's not already busy.
Oh, and I'm speaking from a Chinese perspective incase you're curious.
Exactly, this is exactly it. It's more important to look like the perfect family from everyone else's perspective, and looking perfect means having the perfect job, the perfect house, car, basically perfectly high socioeconomic status.??And in the case of my ILs, that gets you... your son's resentment for his entire life. He cannot even STAND his parents. He thinks they are so selfish, and he resents them for caring about those things more than his interests and spending time with him. He hates his childhood, and he can never imagine raising our kids this way. He used to get smacked and threatened if he came home with bad grades, and they would force him to do golf and keep him away from any extracurriculars they considered a "waste of time". One of these days, I hope ppl who think that way see what a crappy way that is to raise a child.?
I did hear about the empty-handed promises thing from our Indonesian friend - she explained to me that that's common... but that was after we'd already moved here! I had NO IDEA about that particular custom. Definitely wish I'd known about it beforehand. MIL does watch DD one day a week, but she does it soooo reluctantly... it makes me not want her to do it at all!?