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Blended Families
Questions about SK(s)
Three questions:
When did you first tell the SK(s) you and your SO were: in a relationship, engaged, married?
How did you tell them?
How did they react?
My BF and I haven't told them yet, for a few reasons, but I was curious as to how everyone else's kids reacted to it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Questions about SK(s)
My dh and the bm were divorced before I came into the picture. BM had been dating for a while even before we started dating. My dh didnt introduce me to the kids until we dated for six months and he was somewhat sure it was a committed relationship. I moved in about 6 months later and we both talked to the kids about what that would mean for the family unit. They adjusted nicely. We were married this past year and the kids were very exited. I think its important for the children to feel comfortable with their emotions in front of you and dh/bf, you should be as comforting as possible even if you dont get the reaction that you were hoping for, remember they are kids and are entitled to their feelings.
We are telling them this weekend that I am pregnant, this is the first time I feel nervous about their reaction...
My honey decided not to have any girlfriends meet his DD until he was pretty certain it was serious. I didn't meet her until we had been dating for a few months. She was 3 years old at the time. They talked about it beforehand.
When we got engaged, he told her in separate conversation between the two of them. This was best because she could ask all her questions without worrying about hurting my feelings. She was confused about some things (wanted to know where I would live, how things would change, etc.). Then when we got back together, I asked her if she had any other questions and they were mainly wedding questions. She's still getting used to everything since we only get her every other weekend and we've only been married 7 months.
She reacted pretty well, but she's only 5 and I've been part of her life for quite a while.
My honey told his ex that he was going to tell SD ahead of time so she was ready for the questions when she came back home too. It was good for her to have a heads up.
My DH and I got married when SS was almost 3 yrs. He had gotten used to seeing me with his daddy and we had spent almost 6 months together on weekends- as the mother was not really involved. She made it easy though for me- SS now tells me I'm more the mom (at 8 1/2 yrs.). So really it depends on their ages to me- in how they tell them. He was excited to have someone like a mommy in the house again.
Best wishes!
I met SD about two months into our relationship. She knew DH and I were seeing each other and we had talked on the phone before we met. We told SD about a week after we got engaged (it was the first week we had her afterwards). She was excited but she was also 6 at the time and had said previously she wanted me to be her stepmom.
I don't know if you are thinking of not telling your future stepkids until after you are married but I would HIGHLY suggest you tell them before and try to get them involved. Obviously it depends on what the relationship is like with them and their BM but as a stepchild myself whose own father got married without telling me first, I lost a LOT of respect for my stepmother. I realize I am my father's issue however, any woman who is okay with marrying someone whose child/ren don't know about the relationship is low on my list. I have my own issues with my father I know, but I just don't see as a stepparent how anyone could be okay with keeping such a life change to themselves.
We dated about 3 months before we were planning on introducing me to the SK's... However, that didn't happen as we ran into the BM and the kids at Walmart... I still remember "Daddy, Daddy! Mom, I saw Daddy!" from the (then 6 yr old triplets...) He froze in his tracks-we saw our neighbors also there and wanted to sneak up on them... I looked at DH and thought... oh no! Glad I was looking decent-the BM said I looked "high maintenance"...
As for the wedding/engagement... DH had promised BM that he would tell her before telling the kids... So, we piled them in the SUV and he got out. He told her(BM)-I'm going to tell the kids when we get home. This way, she wouldn't spoil the surprise... and tell them before we did!
Funny thing, we were unloading the dishwasher and he decided right THEN to tell them. They were a little wigged out-as was I. I had thought we'd sit down and chat, not gang up in the kitchen... They're fine w it now... we took it VERY SLOW-and it's 3 1/2 yrs that I've been in their lives... and we just got married 6 mos. ago. They were involved w the wedding-which I think truly helped.
GL!
Oh, no. We definitely plan on telling them before we get engaged and before we get married. We're going to be telling them soon that we're in a relationship. I know BM just told them she was engaged to her guy, but I don't think she ever told them that she was dating him, which I think could cause confusion but who knows they haven't mentioned it to BF or I. I was just curious how others had handled it. Thanks so much for all the insight thus far!
My SD was very young when I started dating my DH. She was only 20 months old. On our second date, it was DH's weekend with SD, so he brought her along. (We went to a car show.) She didn't talk much to me and kinda looked at me weird most of the time, like she was thinking, "Who is this lady?" LOL.
The next weekend he had SD, I went to his house to visit and she was more open and talkative with me. She just kinda got used to me being around and used to ask DH (and BM) where I was if she hadn't seen me in a few days. She was so little, he didn't really have a conversation with her.
She was 2 and a half when we got engaged. DH told her that we were getting married and she said, "Today?!" LOL. It was cute. Again, she was very young, so she didn't quite get what it all meant.
We took her with us when we started looking at houses and told her that we were all going to live together. She was very excited about that.
She was at our wedding, so she knew we got married. But, as I said, she was so young when all of this happened, there was no real conversations. We answered any questions she had, but she kinda just went along with it.