MIL rant, advice needed

CrystalDaun · May 2009

I've had some issues w/ my MIL and her watching DD. When my soon to be ex SIL & niece are around MIL completely ignores DD when she's watching her. Wouldn't change her diaper, would leave her in the bouncy chair in the corner, wouldn't give her the bottle. DH talked to MIL about this months ago & we told her she could not have DD when SIL & Niece are around. It's to distracting. She got bent about it but let it go.

Then when MIL would have DD she wouldn't change her diapers. We'd have issues w/ diaper rashes. So again, DH talked to her about it & she got all sarcastic everytime we'd pick up DD & she'd say "I changed her 6 x's, wanna see the diapers?"...Urgh.

Well now the new problem is she doesn't feed DD. I am at my wits end w/ MIL. Once a week DH & I play walleyball for 2 hours. MIL has DD for 3 hours (considering commute time). It's very nice of her to watch DD so I have a hard time criticizing her. This past mon. MIL was even nice enough to stop by our house & pick up DD. So I told her DD was cutting an upper & didn't take much formula & wasn't eating much so to please try to feed her. I understand if Amber wouldn't of eaten, but I only asked she try to feed her. We picked her up at 8:30pm & MIL flat out told us she did not give DD a bottle or feed her. WTF????? Seriously!!!! DH & I just looked at each other. Didn't say anything. On our way home he said he'd talk to her.

He works w/ her (family business), the next day she comes in YELLING at him that she was made to feel as if we think she's neglectful and that she is not neglecting Amber & we are way to concerned and she is so insulted over how we made her feel. WTF we didn't say a thing to her. I don't even want her watching DD anymore but this is Amber's grandma. I don't even know what to do here. DH even told me he's not sure what to do because he can't believe she's acting this way...any suggestions/advice would be really appreciated!

Cookies to all who read this far!!!! Big Smile

pinksweetpea2 · May 2009

Easy- just don't leave her with your MIL anymore.?

fauxbunny · May 2009

That is child abuse/neglect.

Would you let a stranger get away with starving your baby? Of course not.

A douchey MIL is no exception. Stop letting your daughter NEAR her. I'd be tempted to call someone on her. This is outrageous.

J+O · May 2009

If she's neglecting your daughter I wouldn't have her watch her. ?And you're right she is her grandma, just invite her out with you guys so you can be there and care for your DD yourself and you're not depriving her of a relationship.

What a horrible situation. GL

punkfiction · May 2009

ok number 1 - "but this is _____ grandma" is the dumbest thing i have ever heard. who gives a damn? she didnt feed her. she didnt actually care to feed her. so i dont care who it is - don't leave her with her.

MI-bride · May 2009

"But this is Amber's Grandma"

Big deal. She doesn't seem to really care about Amber, so it doesn't matter what her title is. She is not a good babysitter.

Crazycrustacean · May 2009

pinksweetpea2:
Easy- just don't leave her with your MIL anymore.

This. There is no reason your mil can't spend time with her while you're all around. My mil spends a lot of time with my dd and has never babysat for her.

And quite frankly, she is neglecting your dd. How do you leave her in a corner, not feed her or change her diaper? That's terrible. Enough talk. Talk is cheap at this point. ?

?

JAC1027 · May 2009

If she can't feed and change her, she has no business babysitting. I agree with PP, that is abuse/neglect. There is no way in helll I would leave my child with someone who wasn't taking care of him. She sounds pretty awful.

Tnkrbelle · May 2009

grandma definitely doesn't mean automatic babysitter. she can see her all she wants, with you guys there. i wouldn't let her babysit if she doesn't take it seriously and neglects her.

punkfiction · May 2009

oh, and tell her to stick that guilt and BS she is pulling right up her ass_ bc if you fall for that you are dumber than a sack of rocks.

smfinallymg · May 2009

punkfiction:
ok number 1 - "but this is _____ grandma" is the dumbest thing i have ever heard. who gives a damn? she didnt feed her. she didnt actually care to feed her. so i dont care who it is - don't leave her with her.

This. 110%.

CrystalDaun · May 2009

Thank you ladies. I was up Tuesday night (Wednesday morning) arguing w/ DH over this because I feel the exact same way that you ladies do. I told him it was breaking my heart that she was ignoring her & we've given her several chances & talked to her several times. I know he wants to keep giving her chances because it's his mom but I told him if it were my mom he'd be so pissed off he wouldn't want DD over there anymore. I try to invite her out w/ me but she wants nothing to do with me. She only hangs out w/ the soon to be ex SIL and niece. She shoots down every invitation. She doesn't know we're planning on moving 3 hours south w/ in the next year so soon this won't be a problem anymore. We don't even know how to break that news to her. Urgh. Thanks again! You all made me feel like my feelings were not in the wrong. :-)

CHS2005 · May 2009

Sounds like you already know that its not a good situation - just decide what is most important (which I am assuming is DD's welfare) and go with whatever that demands, even if it means upsetting MIL.?

Pacheco825 · May 2009

I would only let her be with her when someone else can over see things. It might hurt her feelings but you have to think about your child here. Not her feelings

punkfiction · May 2009

CrystalDaun:
Thank you ladies. I was up Tuesday night (Wednesday morning) arguing w/ DH over this because I feel the exact same way that you ladies do. I told him it was breaking my heart that she was ignoring her & we've given her several chances & talked to her several times. I know he wants to keep giving her chances because it's his mom but I told him if it were my mom he'd be so pissed off he wouldn't want DD over there anymore. I try to invite her out w/ me but she wants nothing to do with me. She only hangs out w/ the soon to be ex SIL and niece. She shoots down every invitation. She doesn't know we're planning on moving 3 hours south w/ in the next year so soon this won't be a problem anymore. We don't even know how to break that news to her. Urgh. Thanks again! You all made me feel like my feelings were not in the wrong. :-)

then drop her like a hot potato. she doesn't want to see you or your dd unless its on her time, she doesn't want to do what you ask, so see ya later!

Faith1318 · May 2009

pinksweetpea2:
Easy- just don't leave her with your MIL anymore.

This.?

CrystalDaun · May 2009

*punk & the other ladies*

you all are right. I just needed some validation that I wasn't being out of line. I plan on talking to her Saturday. (We're going to her house for a BBQ & I can get some alone time w/ her.) DH just automatically goes into defense mode when we talk about his mom but then he tells me he just doesn't know what to do. So since he's talked to her every previous time, I'm talking to her this time. I'm so annoyed/pissed at her. His cousin has no problem babysitting for us for our walleyball night & she's awesome, we're just using her from now on.

lpennie16 · May 2009

Grandmother or not, she is a neglectful "caregiver". If I were you I would never leave my child with her again. She is making it seem as if it is a hassle (and not a joy) to watch her own grandchild! ridiculous.

Crazycrustacean · May 2009

CrystalDaun:
*punk & the other ladies* you all are right. I just needed some validation that I wasn't being out of line. I plan on talking to her Saturday. (We're going to her house for a BBQ & I can get some alone time w/ her.) DH just automatically goes into defense mode when we talk about his mom but then he tells me he just doesn't know what to do. So since he's talked to her every previous time, I'm talking to her this time. I'm so annoyed/pissed at her. His cousin has no problem babysitting for us for our walleyball night & she's awesome, we're just using her from now on.

I wouldn't even feed into her bs by telling her you're not allowing her to babysit. Just have your cuz do it & be done with it. If she can't handle it, that's her problem. ?

wareto · May 2009

Yay! I get a cookie. Anyhoo, ditto PPs: it's great that you have another sitter lined up for your walleyball night. Just let her know that the babysitting situation doesn't seem to be working very well for anyone so you've made other arrangements. Being her grandma isn't a good excuse for being able to treat the two of you like crap, should she have a relationship? Sure. Just keep inviting her to stuff-she'll probably accept once the babysitting is cut off.

Lisichka · May 2009

Crazycrustacean:
CrystalDaun:
*punk & the other ladies* you all are right. I just needed some validation that I wasn't being out of line. I plan on talking to her Saturday. (We're going to her house for a BBQ & I can get some alone time w/ her.) DH just automatically goes into defense mode when we talk about his mom but then he tells me he just doesn't know what to do. So since he's talked to her every previous time, I'm talking to her this time. I'm so annoyed/pissed at her. His cousin has no problem babysitting for us for our walleyball night & she's awesome, we're just using her from now on.
I wouldn't even feed into her bs by telling her you're not allowing her to babysit. Just have your cuz do it & be done with it. If she can't handle it, that's her problem.

I agree with this. I don't think you owe her too much of an explanation at this point: the woman has clearly exhibited her lack of care and concern for her own granddaughter, too bad for her. I'd just tell her that you'll arrange for your DH's cousin to watch DD and that's that. I'm also a bit disappointed in DH's attitude here.

silvurturtle · May 2009

Supervised visits and pay for an official babysitter. -- perhaps soon to be ex sil.

jenifairies · May 2009

There is no rule that says grandmas are allowed to babysit. Do not feel guilty. She is obviously neglecting your DD. Find a babysitter, and if you don't feel comfortable telling MIL that you don't trust her, make something up about why the babysitter is better (closer to home, has a kid for DD to play with, is available times MIL isn't... you get the drill).

My MIL hasn't babysat DD. Neither has my grandma or GMIL. The greats would mean well but aren't physically capable and MIL is a dingbat. DD won't go to her house without DH or I until she's probably 3-4.

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