I know I'm new here....but i have a question (long - sorry)

leigh517 · May 2009

Hello ladies,

My husband and I don't have any children just yet (it is in the plans to start trying this summer), but I'm already fearing a big problem. As it is right now, we both work full time (I work from home, but it is a full time poisition) but I do ALL of the housework. He says he will take the garbage to the road for garbage day, but rarely does he bring the cans back up after the garbage has been collected (they usually stay there for like 3 days). We have a dog that he is supposed to walk in the mornings and evenings, and I do twice during the day. IF he does his 2 walks a day, he complains about it or tries to get out of doing it by telling me he has to get to work early so can I do it or something like that. I do all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes, bill paying, errands (like dry cleaning, grocery shopping, buying things for the dog and taking him to the groomer), etc. He keeps saying that has to work and that is his contribution, but I am really exhausted and frustrated. I am hoping to SAH when we have kids, but I am terrified that it's just going to get worse and I will still get no help at all.

Any thoughts or suggestions that you ahve for me would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

mgra328 · May 2009

if you do decide to stay home, you jsut have to realize that if you're the only one doing everything, sometimes there are things that just don't get done. you both will have to accept that.

i have 3 LOs so i do what i can. if DH feels like things need to get done or the house is a mess, he either deals with the mess or pitches in. that's it.

you're only one person and there aren't physically enough hours in the day sometimes to tend to yourself, a baby, a pet and a home!

GL!

gobigblue · May 2009

IMO, odds are he still won't contribute much to the housework. DH doesn't do any more than he did pre-baby. if i ask him to do something, he'll do it. rarely does he do something on his own. having said that, DH is wonderful w/ DD. helps a ton! you could try to have another talk and stress the importance of needing his help. it might help or this could possibly be a battle you may not win. (you could make a list of chores, have him do hiwsown laundry or flat out NOT clean the kitchen for a few days and just wait to see what he does/doesn't do). good luck!

citygirl_ · May 2009

You have to both be frank and come to some sort of compromise. In our home, I do ALL of the cleaning, cooking, bill paying, errands, etc because that is what we agreed on. My husband works 50ish hours a week, so it's part of my job to keep things running smoothly! I really wouldn't bank on him changing when you have a child, though... Figure this sort of thign out now so it doesn't eat away at you.

funchicken · May 2009

So, if you're both working why are you the only one who has to contribute to the housework? Does he have an answer to that question? Is his work exceptionally exhausting? It seems like things are only going to get worse after you have a baby if you guys don't talk about this now.

I guess, you have two options: 1. hire a cleaning person to help you out, 2. talk to your DH about taking on more of the household responsibilities.

Every family has to figure out the arrangement that works for them. My DH and I share chores pretty equally, and when DH is home we share the childcare equally, too. Other moms on here do the lion's share of the housework. Think about what arrangement would make you happier/less exhausted and frustrated and talk to your DH about it. Good luck!!

leigh517 · May 2009

he actually does not have a good answer. he's a lawyer, which is mentally challenging i guess, but not so much so that he shouldn't be able to help out at least a little bit when he comes home....

cfitz16 · May 2009

My experience was that I was so tired during 1st and 3rd trimesters that he had to do more---great practice for when baby comes.

charlatti · May 2009

Wait. You're both working full time, but his excuse is that work is his contribution? That would not fly with me. If you're not happy with the way things are, you need to just sit down with him and talk it out to reach some sort of agreement.

With my DD, it's very challenging to get anything done while she's awake and her naps are short and unpredictable. So if DH didn't help out, the house would be a disaster pretty much all the time!

leigh517 · May 2009

thank you, everybody. you have made me feel better for sure...

kbud9 · May 2009

I honestly dont mean this to sound fresh, but i have noticed that a lot of times women are also to blame for this because they dont assert themselvs with men and allow it to continue. If you are both working there is NO reason he should do nothing. I work full time and my DH works full time at home. My job is more demanding than his so many times he will do more of the housework, but by no means all. It is my job just as much as his. And even if one parent stays at home it does not mean they should work 24/7 while the "worker" gets to come home and take it easy. You should assert yourself and let him know this is a partnership

HarrietNJMommy · May 2009

This is a tough one. It doesn't sound like he's going to contribute any more when the baby comes, since he's not doing a lot of this stuff now. You are also enabling him to be like this since you are taking on most of the housework.

You and your DH need to come up with a plan that will not leave you bitter, angry and annoyed at him - whatever that plan is. It's different for everyone.

I know with me, it's very hard to get everything done with 3 kids under the age of 4. I have a cleaning crew come in. DH pitches in and helps with dinner and bedtime when he gets home. He takes care of everything outside the house (garbage, lawn, etc.) and I deal with laundry, cooking, etc. It keeps us both happy.

GL to you!

mominatrix · May 2009

IMHO, if you don't stand up NOW and say, "um, honey, we both work, we both bring in money - - we BOTH need to be doing work to contribute to the running of our house" it will only get worse...

it sounds to me like he doesn't value the work you do (either the paid work or the work on your home)... and from that, it's not a far jump to him not valuing you, either.

believe me, I was a lawyer before I was a SAHM... it's not THAT much of a mental challenge... and after a day of doing lawyering, a walk with the dog or a brainless activity like sorting recycling is actually kinda nice...

what does he do when he's home? does he work sooooooo many hours that he's only home to sleep, or does he spend time vegging out (in front of the computer, with video games, with the TV?)...

if he gets vegging out time every day, do you?

I'm saying this in only the kindest of ways - - if he doesn't value the work you're doing now (including work for money) he sure as shootin' isn't going to value your work with a child... the dads I've seen like this have only gotten worse when there's a child in the picture - - I know dads who go to the place of "I don't have to do anything because I bring in a paycheck and you don't"...

you don't want to be in one of those situations, I promise you...

work this out BEFORE you have a child...

hayleydeee · May 2009

kbud9:
I honestly dont mean this to sound fresh, but i have noticed that a lot of times women are also to blame for this because they dont assert themselvs with men and allow it to continue. If you are both working there is NO reason he should do nothing. I work full time and my DH works full time at home. My job is more demanding than his so many times he will do more of the housework, but by no means all. It is my job just as much as his. And even if one parent stays at home it does not mean they should work 24/7 while the "worker" gets to come home and take it easy. You should assert yourself and let him know this is a partnership

Agreed.

Personally I am totally guilty of this. I tend to run myself ragged trying to do everything alone and not asking for help. It's hard, but the more you can?vocalize?your needs, and see them as?valid?the better. ?

Just as an example: in the title of this post you?apologized. When asking you husband to do something, be sure not to do that. It's?belittling?and it makes it sound like you believe that what you are asking is unreasonable (which of course it's not). As women we tend to?sabotage?ourselves this way without even?realizing?it.?

When he does something around the house, positive?reinforcement?can work wonders. A?sincere?"thank You" and even an observation about how well he did the task will help motivate him to do it again later. I've also found that asking with the words "would you" instead of "can you" helps too. It's?subtle?but affective. ?Good luck!

?

mandymack · May 2009

hayleydeee:
kbud9:
I honestly dont mean this to sound fresh, but i have noticed that a lot of times women are also to blame for this because they dont assert themselvs with men and allow it to continue. If you are both working there is NO reason he should do nothing. I work full time and my DH works full time at home. My job is more demanding than his so many times he will do more of the housework, but by no means all. It is my job just as much as his. And even if one parent stays at home it does not mean they should work 24/7 while the "worker" gets to come home and take it easy. You should assert yourself and let him know this is a partnership
Agreed.
Personally I am totally guilty of this. I tend to run myself ragged trying to do everything alone and not asking for help. It's hard, but the more you can vocalize your needs, and see them as valid the better.
Just as an example: in the title of this post you apologized. When asking you husband to do something, be sure not to do that. It's belittling and it makes it sound like you believe that what you are asking is unreasonable (which of course it's not). As women we tend to sabotage ourselves this way without even realizing it.
When he does something around the house, positive reinforcement can work wonders. A sincere "thank You" and even an observation about how well he did the task will help motivate him to do it again later. I've also found that asking with the words "would you" instead of "can you" helps too. It's subtle but affective. Good luck!

Hi and welcome to this board!!!

I whole-heartedily agree with what has been already stated and I truly hope your DH came come around to see how hard you work as well and that you won't be working any less just because you are going to SAH full-time to raise your child. Very best of luck!

ithadtobeyou · May 2009

Agree with the pp's, Mominatrix said it really well I thought.

He is not going to spontaneously take on more responsiblity around the house on his own. Talk about this now!

With my DH I do all the cleaning and laundry, etc BUT he gives me at least two hours on the weekend where he takes the baby and I am able to catch up on the bigger cleaning jobs that are hard to get done during the week because DS is not a good napper and he is into everything. DH is also great with DS and that helps alot. There is no guarantee this will be the case with your DH but I would talk to him about it now and let him know parenting is a partnership and it will not all be on your shoulders.

Let him see all you do, and demand appreciation and help!

Emily_Ann · May 2009

I agree with some of the things stated above. However, I have sort of been in this position before too, and it worked itself out. When DH and I first got our house, it was summer and I was out of class and only working part-time. I kept the house pretty spotless and ran all the errands. When we talked about having kids/me staying at home, he acted like there was no reason on Earth I shouldn't be able to do it all. That concerned me BIG TIME.

Then, the next semester started. I had class, was working, and DH was travelling a lot for work. He suddenly realized that the house wasn't as clean and his laundry wasn't getting done as fast on the weekends. Needless to say, when Sunday rolled around and he needed clothes to pack for the next week of work out of town, he washed them himself while I was studying.

Since then, he has realized that when baby arrives, the house isn't going to be as clean and everything won't get done - unless he helps.

I'm certainly not saying just start refusing to clean. I'm just saying that when you have something going, don't be afraid to let stuff go and explain to him that you need help. I do advise that you get this talked out before having kids though.

EmilyS714 · May 2009

You could tell him that you need help (because you will!), and that if he isn't willing to than you'll have to hire a maid. My husband and I just hired 2 cleaning ladies (they work together as a team) to come in every other week to help us out. I have a 7 year old and an 8 week old, and I'm lucky if I get to shower let alone scrub floors, dust, vacuum, wash and fold laundry, etc. I hate the idea that because someone is staying at home all of the housework is his/her responsibility. Part of me, I will admit, is embarrassed to admit that I'm hiring help with the house, but I feel like I'm drowning. I need the help so screw what others thing; it's none of their business, and my house will be somewhere that I enjoy as opposed to feeling like one gigantic list of endless chores. He helps to make the mess, he gets to help clean up! Good luck.

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I know I'm new here....but i have a question (long - sorry)

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