Contacting bio family - yay or nay? — The Bump
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Contacting bio family - yay or nay?

deleted for privacy :)

gist of question was whether or not to contact bio family members

Re: Contacting bio family - yay or nay?

  • I feel if you wanted to reach out and see if they contact back that is ok. I wouldn't go in with a set of expectations on anything. You never know what can happen. If they are interested they will respond.

    That has to be a hard spot to be in. I would follow your gut and heart to make the decision. 

    Best of Luck.

     

    Amie 

    P.S. your little one is adorable 

  • I really don't know what to advise you.  I have heard of "reunions"/meetings like this going well and not going so well, to be honest.

    Regardless, I doubt your making your presence known will ruin their lives or relationships.  It may lead to questions, but other than that, I'm not sure what harm it can cause.

    You state that you don't want a relationship out of it, but are you sure?  I'm sure you are curious about them, but I really don't see much reason to introduce yourself if you don't want at least some sort of relationship--even if it's just at arm's length.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to see where things go, so long as you are prepared for the possibility that they will not want to develop any kind of relationship.

    I guess that would really be the determining factor for me:  weighing what I stood to gain versus how much I might be hurt.  I don't think anyone can really answer this question for you, but I hope I've given you some things to consider.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


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  • Thanks for your reply. I certainly won't be offended if they don't care to speak to me....I just don't want to feel like a "bad guy" by "ruining" what they might think is their perfect image of their parents by letting them in on the fact that there was a little baby out there before their parents met.

    I can't decide if I want to risk being the person to make them question things. Perhaps I'm blowing it out of proportion. Perhaps they even know. I don't know. :(

    ETA: oh and I think I would be happy with a Facebook-type relationship. vicariously peeking in online to see where they are in their lives and occasionally saying hi. that's pretty much it. So maybe it's not worth it.

  • 1) I hope you don't delete this post - it is a good topic,

    2) I love the picture of your LO (I lurk on 0-6 and thought how cute the other day),

    3) I have a similar situation (so feel free to PM anytime)

    My parents divorced when I was young. My father was not a nice person, in short, to himself nor my mom. I otherwise, grew up a very happy life with my mom and younger brother. Have no desire for contact with my father and refuse any contact by him.

    I recently connected, through FB of all places, with a younger half-sister (who is 8 years younger than me). We have been 'getting to know' each other via email for the past few months. She just gave birth to my first niece on Thursday. Smile Even though she is 8 years younger, grew up in a completely different environment than me (my father was abusive and she unfortunately spent her whole life with him - I realize how lucky I am), we have different socio-economic backgrounds and current-day lives. However, over these past few months of getting to know her - I see SO many similarities between us. At times, I just sit in aw of how much we are alike in some regards.

    Through her, I have learned that I was not my father's first born. He had an affair before he and my mom were married. I apparently, have a brother who is five years older than me. Who is african american/caucasian, a police officer, and has a wife with children. My half-sister has not met or connected with him, but she found letters and pictures from him to our father.

    Even though, my half-brother and I seemingly also have very different lives and backgrounds. I can't help but wonder about him, his family and his life. I would very much so like to find him. But my plate is so full right now, and frankly connecting with one sibling has been a bit of an emotional whirl.

    Just as with many/most adopted children there is a pull inside of us to know our 'roots'. I have such a strong internal pull and connection for my newly found half-sister and a brother I have never spoken to that it is hard to explain. I think it is a part of our human dna in some regards. So I think if you have this pull then you should pursue it but doing so knowing that they may not have the same instinct as you. At least not at the very moment you connect with them. I think there is a tactful way to do things, but of course it will be a shock to anyone to find out they have siblings that they never knew of.

    I wish you luck!

  • This is so hard to answer b/c people just react so differently in these situations.

    I'm an adopted child and personally, I do not want my bio family to contact me. I am just not interested. I don't know... I can't really even be objective on this one just because it is so extremely personal. They may be thrilled to hear from you, they may be upset. You just can't predict.

  • I say go for it.

    My Dad has a half-sister (who was placed for adoption) that he didn't know about until a few years ago (he is 62).  She contacted him by mail - just to see if he was interested in talking/meeting/whatever.

    While my grandmother (her birthmother) and uncle did not want contact, my Dad was OK with it and they have a nice relationship now.  They have met a few times and send e-mails regularly.  While they are not necessarily grew-up-together-sibling-close, they like each other very much and my (new) aunt is very pleased to know more of her biological relatives.

    2 years TTC with 5 losses, 1 year recovering, 6 months applying for adoption approval, and almost a year waiting for a placement. Then, a miracle BFP at age 36!


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  • I agree.  Please do not delete this post.

  • image fredalina:

    2) Not contact them via a social networking site.  Try to get an address or phone number instead.  Also perhaps involve an intermediary to contact them and ask if they would like you to contact them, rather than contacting them directly.

    You know as much as I want to agree with this, and I fully understand the down side of it. There really is no easy way to introduce yourself to a sibling  or family member you have never met.

    My half-sister and I did connect through FB (email feature on FB not by posting it on our main pages and I did have my FB page OFF from the general public to see you can still send a note to a person even if you can't see their information).

    If she had called me - I would have hung up. If she had sent me a letter - I would have been angered that she knew where I lived. I would have felt violated and maybe even stalked. Even with the email I felt shocked but I felt 'safe' (though I realize that online is not wholly safe for your identity). 

    For my situation, email was really the best way to contact because it allowed for immediate contact but not intrusive in the way that I think a phone call or a letter to my home address would have been. I can maintain my privacy of where I live and what my phone number is, or an illusion of that privacy. Online allows for more easy, non-intimidating conversation.

    Even though she and I have been communicating now for months. And I feel comfortable with her, I have not shared my phone number or home address. I feel safe in that because I am not listed with our home/phone number only husband, and she doesn't know my married last name.

    That's just my own personal experience.

  • image BurkeJax:

    I feel if you wanted to reach out and see if they contact back that is ok. I wouldn't go in with a set of expectations on anything. You never know what can happen. If they are interested they will respond.

    That has to be a hard spot to be in. I would follow your gut and heart to make the decision. 

    Best of Luck.

     

    Amie 

    P.S. your little one is adorable 

     

    I completely agree with this. 

    Also, your baby is SOOO cute.  

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  • I think the ladies here have provided you with some really good advice, so I don't have much additional to add, except that I think it is very considerate of you to think this much about how your contact could impact their relationship within the family.  I don't think that you will wreck their lives as it sounds like you were born before your biodad got together with their mother.  What about talking to the aunt and uncle you are friendly with to see what they think about you contacting your half-siblings?  Even if they aren't in contact with him, they might have a better idea of the family dynamic. 

    your LO is adorable! 

  • ok, I'm basically going to say "ditto everything up there."

    If it were me, I'd wait a bit until everyone was over 21 and then I would send a note introducing myself and, because I'm me, quoting Elf: "I just wanted to meet you and I thought maybe you would want to meet me." 

    And see what happens. And be prepared for a lot of confusion. And be prepared to walk away if it all goes south.

    It's rough. You could have a whole new extension of your family that you mutually genuinely enjoy and  grow to love. Or it could all end in tears.

    Fingers crossed for you!

     

    (Oh, and that ditto included all the schmooze about how cute your baby is. They're not lying.)

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  • thanks, ladies, for all your wonderful advice! I'm going to chew on this a bit more. Perhaps I will wait the the younger ones are older (though I don't know their ages exactly).
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