When are tantrums more than just tantrums?

howleyshell · April 2009

Dylan has tantrums. ?All kids do.

But... his seem different than most.

He will seriously flip out over something small (I cut his waffle and he wanted it whole). ?No biggie, right?

But then he seriously can't get back in control of his emotions.

I'm talking 30+ minutes of major flip out.

So... at one point we tried giving him what he was flipping out over to see if that made a difference. ?Nope... ?he just turned that same flip out energy towards a new thing he wanted or was upset about. ?

He seriously doesn't want anything.. he just wants to scream and have a flip out session.

We've tried everything from ignoring to time outs to deep breathing (counting breaths) to try to help him learn to get back in control.?

So my question.... what "degree" do tantrums need to reach before you seek mental help for a child.

I see other kids have tantrums but they seem to be able to get back in control over their emotions in a more reasonable amount of time.?

I'm at a loss at this point about how to help him.

TIA for any feedback.?

?

Amy720 · April 2009

I had a similar question the other day. Ben gets his mind on something and just want let it go. We try to ignore, redirect, tell him no, nothing seems to work. I did what you did and gave in to see what would happen and of course, he stops whining. I truly believe that some children are just wired to be more stubborn and strong willed. Sorry I can't really help you out more, but I understand.

howleyshell · April 2009

You see... that's my concern.

When we did give him what he wanted he KEPT flipping out - just about a new subject. ?The object isn't the issue, he's just totally out of control of his emotions and can't reign them back in - even when he gets what he originally wanted.

I'm concerned that we need some professional help.

I've read everything I can get my hands on and tried all kinds of things to teach him "tools" for calming down and nothing seems to be working.

?

DevonPow · April 2009

I personally think it is normal for some kids who are higher intensity. DS gets like this - he had a BAD 2-3 week period a few weeks ago (I was convinced he was getting his 2 year molars but nope - just having a really bad few weeks).

We started doing 1-2-3 Magic and it has helped a LOT. He is now calming down a lot more frequently before I hit "3" - he goes into his room on his own to get his bear and will ask to either go in his crib or for hugs to help calm down. He still goes ballistic over ridiculous things (one day he had a 40 minute tantrum over hsi sippy being the wrong color), but now we have a consistent way of dealing with it so at least we all know what to expect.

howleyshell · April 2009

Thanks for letting me know that maybe I'm not alone in this.

Our pedi recommended 1-2-3 magic and parenting with love and logic.

We've tried them both.

1-2-3 does work if he's not in full out flip out mode.

Sadly he goes zero to flip out pretty darned quick so it still doesn't get us on top of the really bad ones. ?Once he's in the zone he seriously doesn't even hear a word I say.

?

neverblushed · April 2009

Howley, you strike me as a fairly no-nonsense, down-to-earth mom, which makes me inclined to believe your description 100%. That intensity of tantrums could indicate merely a stubborn child, just a very sensitive child, or some real problem brewing.

As a teacher, special ed person, and mom of 2, I'd take one of the two following paths:

1. consult his pediatrician and ask for signs to look for other than the tantrums that might indicate problems. Ask when it would be appropriate to get consultation from a pediatric neuropsychiatrist or a child psychologist.

2. set a time window "if the tantrums are unchanged or worse by the time he's _______ months." Then observe him and document the behavior closely. Keep written records of the tantrum date, duration, and what seemed to trigger it, or anything else of note that might be important. We tend to live in the moment, and it's hard to recognize when things have slowly gotten better. If you've kept records for a time, and things get worse or are still just as bad, THEN go to the pediatrician.

FWIW, I just asked my pediatrician about my 4 y/o DS's anxiety. She said they don't really like to refer a child for psych consults for something like that until kindergarten, because a year or two of maturing can really change things and round off the rough edges in a toddler/preschooler's personality. I, too, felt like "this much anxiety can't be normal!"

HTH!

howleyshell · April 2009

Thanks NeverBlushed.

I have discussed it with his pedi and he kinda blew it off. ?I guess it's a normal thing for a mom of a 2 yr old to bring up, huh?

We did just start documenting things this week. ?I'm documenting the trigger, time of day, length of tantrum, and previous sleep/food. ?He's a good sleeper, a good eater, and the tantrums can easily come at the end of a meal so I doubt they're sleep or food related but we'll see.

It does help too to hear that kindergarten is a time frame where they start to seek treatment. ?I guess that makes more sense.

I've just gotten laid off and will have more time at home with him this summer. ?I'm going to read everything I can get my hands on and see if I can find SOME tool that will help him get more in control when he flips out.

All I know is that when things are good they're great. ?When Dylan's having a string of flip outs everything else goes wrong. ?Dylan's behavior is really taxing our marriage at this point.

I do my best to stay calm with him but after being yelled at like that I do tend to be less than civil with DH. ?It's hard for me to always be the one absorbing all of that negative energy.

It's making me sad to see how it's impacting our family.?

I owe it to all of us to find some solutions.?

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