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Adoption
jacksjerseygirl
member
Birth Fathers - Interesting
jacksjerseygirl
member
in Adoption
At our last workshop that we attended which focused on communication with children from 0-12 about their adoption. A counselor brought up an interesting event that she has been seeing recently with some of her adopted children clients ...
In today's adoptions (or really in the recent 5 years) there is a lot of focus on birth parents and talking with children about their origins.
However, most of the focus from adoptive parents is on the birth mother, not the birth father. So when talking with children about their origins and adoption more is put on the discussion of birth mother, first mother, tummy mother, etc.
What the therapist has started to notice is that adopted children have an understanding of their 'mom' (a-mom) and of a b-mom. However, it isn't until they reach 6-8 that they start to realize that they ALSO have an a-dad and a b-dad. The children are under the impression that their dad is their ONLY dad, but that their mom is not their only mom.
I thought this was interesting, and really reminds us to make sure that birth father's play as much of a role in discussions with our children.
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Re: Birth Fathers - Interesting
Some of the couple's asked about that (the workshop was for both FA, IA, DA).
The counselor suggested that in cases where you don't know anything about the birth father or even birth mother that you put them into normal conversation from birth when you tell them of their adoption story (recommending that adoption stories be told from newborn stage so that you can become comfortable 'telling' their story to them).
So, you might say: your birth father is from korea just like you. As they get older you can ask them follow up questions like, how does that make you feel? Or other things like, I wonder if your birth father liked to fish, or ride a bike or whatever it might be. This makes the conversation about birth father or the term 'birth father' a part of their understanding and vocab like birth mother.
That is very interesting...
Thanks for sharing this. Definitely something to think about.
You're totally right and this is one of those things that I catch myself doing. I have to make a conscious effort to talk about the family. I even caught myself in a post a week or two ago talking about orphanage gifts for her orphanage director and birthmother. After the original post when I was responding to a question, I realized that I subconciously referred to only a Birthmother and tried to correct myself. As we prepare to go to China and hopefully meet her foster mother/father/siblings I'm trying to let DD know that there may be only a Birthmother but there might also be a whole foster family. I'm sure that once I can put faces to these roles if will probably be easier for me, but it's just one of things that I constantly need to work on.
BB&J
OMG, in the post just below I'm referring only to a Birthmother. Wow....I've really got to work on this.
BB&J
lol up until the workshop a few weeks ago, DH and I only ever talked about the e-mom/b-mom too. We are trying to work on it too when we talk to other people or just with each other.
I think that is part of it. I also think that the 'system' itself is not geared around the birth father and involving him in the process.
I think it is a chicken-egg situation. Did BFs stop being involved because reproduction in and of itself is geared around the woman's rights, choices and responsibility or the other way around.
Unfortuantely, I also think that there is a higher number BMs, than we want to believe, claim to not know the birth father or his name when in reality she may but just don't want him involved in the process.
Anyway, I think there is a lot of societal issues involved in how we value fathers in general when it relates to child rearing and caring.
THis is really interesting. My nephew (we have an open adotpion) has always known his birth story & had a story book includign photos of entire birth family-we are the birth family.
He is 8 now & whiel we have regular contact with him his b-dad does not. This is his choice & not due to lack of effort on a-parents side. He receantly has asked more questions about him. His a-parents answer as openly as they can I think he is starting to wonder why he isn't around as much.
Really good information. It hadn't even crossed my mind, but it's got that ring of truth to it.
Thanks!
My agency addressed this. ?A guest adoptee also brought it up, saying that it wasn't until she was much older when it really occurred to her that she had a birth father out there. ?
Does that mean that most agencies don't discuss the birth father as an important role? ??