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Blended Families
BM and visitation and it's long...
Hi, I'm new here. I have a question though about what my DH and I should do regarding my SS and his BM. Here's a little background:
My husband has sole custody and his ex has normal visitaion like 3 weeks in the summer and then they have alternating holidays. She never visits tho. My SS is 5 years old and his BM left when he was about 1 1/2. He doesn't know her very well, but he's starting to get to know her now and he's excited about it! Last October, she called my DH and asked if she could start talking to SS regularly. My DH told her that she could as long as they set up a time and she called every week and didn't flake on him and stuff like that. She agreed and she's been calling once a week since October. She did good at first but in January, she started "forgetting" to call him. She's forgotten like 5 times, which may not sound like much, but it's frustrating because my SS is asking when she's gonna call and when she doesn't we either have to explain to him that she was busy and she couldn't (which obviously is a lie, but we don't want to tell him that she doesn't care) or we have to let him call her. Which we feel like shouldn't be our responsibilty. If she can't remember to call, she shouldn't have made this agreement with him. You know? She always has a silly excuse for not calling.Anyways, last time she forgot to call, DH emailed her and told her that this is getting old and he wouldn't allow her to call anymore if she was forgot one more time. She was supposed to call last night and she forgot. SS called her right before bed and she told him she didn't realize what time it was and she was sorry. But really? How hard can it be to pick up the phone and call your son.
DH and BM have been emailing in the last week about a stipulation to their current visitation agreement. She doesn't want to take SS for 3 weeks in the summer, instead she wants to take him for 3 weekends. Dh has no problem with this, but he's the one that is having to submit the stipulation paperwork to the court and it's such a headache.
So, we've thought about it and we don't thnk it would be right if we didn't allow her to call anymore because she forgot again. We think that would only hurt SS. So instead, DH was thinking about telling her that he's not going to do the stipulation for her and if she wants to change her visitation time, she needs to do it herself.
Do you think that's ok? Should he still agree to the stipualtion or should he make her do a motion to modify? I just hate that he's been making this so easy for her and she still doesn't care. thanks for any advice or suggestions on how to deal with her!
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Re: BM and visitation and it's long...
1) Don't let your child feel bad. You can control that. You shouldn't be telling him when she's going to call. And when she doesn't and he asks about it, just tell him you don't know why. When he asks when she's going to call, tell him you aren't sure but it will probably be in a few days. You can definately call her yourself if you feel the need and when she answers, pass the phone to your SS. You don't have to say anything to her.
As to the visitation, why do you have to go to the court for anything? The order stipulated what she's entitled to at minimum. It's not an iron clad, set in the stone, the cops are coming for you if you do something else. The two parties can do whatever they want to as long as both parties agree.
For instance, our order says he can't have pinky for more than two weeks at a time. However, because of the distance, we've agreed that he can do his six weeks in one stretch. But we didn't go back to court for that. People would be in court all the time if the custody order had to be changed each time the parties decided something else would work better for them.
p.s. he should make it reasonable for her. If she doesn't want to take him for the full three weeks, why in the hell would you want to force her into it? As for the phone calls, it's an opportunity to get SS acclimated to the idea that his mama doesn't always follow through. It's the way his mother is and the sooner he accepts that, the easier it will for him to not be hurt when she doesn't and to enjoy the times that she does.
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Originally, my DH or I didn't tell SS when she's going to call. When they decided she would call every saturday she told him that, not either one of us. Then she decided that she would call at 7pm every saturday and she also told him that. So now, he expects her call every saturday at 7pm. He knows what time it is and he knows what day it is. We can't control the things she says to him. My DH has asked her many, many times not to tell him things that she plans on doing, but she keeps doing it. I just feel like it's not my responsibility to calll her when she forgets. Sometimes, she's not available when we've had to call. One time she was camping, She didn't tell us that she was going camping until a few days later when she got back. So SS was waiting for her call, didn't get it, he called her, no answer. I felt like we got his hopes up for nothing. Another time, she was at a concert, I mean really? Why wouldn't she call earlier in the day or email and let us know. I just don't understand why it's so hard for her.
I understand that we don't have to go thru the court for every change, but my DH told her that he wants to follow what the divorce says. They did try to have an agreement between the 2 of them and it just didn't work out.
I guess I just want advice on how to get it through her head that she's hurting her son when she doesn't call.
So just tell the child that sometimes his mom forgets. Tell him that just like you tell him the sky is blue. The less of a big deal you make it, the less of a big deal he'll think it is.
And no, you don't have to call her. I was saying that if it bothers you that much, go ahead. But honestly, pinky's father usually calls on Saturday afternoon. But if we don't answer the phone, either because we didn't hear it or because she was at the babysitters or whatever, I don't call him back. He can call back if it's important to him, at least that's how I see it. And clearly it isn't because he'll wait until the next week. Although sometimes he calls during church on Sunday and I don't answer the phone then either.
As for the visitation, do what you want. But honestly, I'd tell her she can pick him up for just the weekends if she wants to. Chances are she'll show up for the first one and get too busy for the others. I can't help but think that's better for him than her taking him for three weeks. If she's that damn flaky, he probably isn't getting the best looking after when she has him.
And there is nothing you can say to convince her that she's hurting him. In fact, that's not your responsibility anyway. Your responsibility is to help him not to have high expectations of his mother so that her flakiness won't hurt him.
There are just some things some people just won't ever get. And you're wasting your breath trying.
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Why does there have to be a set time for her to call? She is going to create her relationship with your SS with or without putting time limits on her. Maybe that is a bad time for her - she may think about it during other times of the week so let her call then.
As for changes in the visitation, do you even have to go to modify anything? We rarely go by our court order. It's there in case there's a problem, but we are pretty flexible with our schedules.
I agree with the second paragraph. We never really followed our (very bare bones) agreement. We went with what worked for us. Fortunately, it wasn't a problem for us.
WRT the first paragraph, we had a set schedule for calls because neither had cell phones at the time we first separated. The set schedule was so that we knew when to be home for the kids to talk to me or ex (whomever didn't have the kids at the time) and so we knew it wouldn't interrupt anything else that was going on or disrupt scheduled events (It *was* 15 or so years ago, after all). Now, though, with more people having cells she can call the cell or leave a message at home for SS to call her back when it's convenient for them both. "Call me back at (phone) at (time) or (time)" or DH can pick up from whatever they're doing and SS can talk or not (depending on what it's interrupting) or DH can give a better time, rather than having a prescheduled time, for her to call.
In her case, I suspect the scheduled time is because mom's a bit disorganized and forgetful and more into doing what she wants when she wants and it's not necessarily a good thing for her to call "whenever" at the drop of a hat and bring that sense of chaos into SS's life. Or so she knows to call since she's not involved in SS's life, and preset times means she's not interrupting family time, homework time, organized sports time, playtime, etc. But really, having a preset, scheduled time means that SS is hanging around, waiting for the phone to ring. (Speaking from experience - lol.) Not necessarily a bad thing, but not necessarily the right idea to choose between "organization/chaos" and "talk to mommy."
I would like douchetwat to call pinky, not necessarily at a certain time on the dot but within an hour time frame on preset days. Not that he couldn't call at other times. But he tends to get pissy if I don't answer the phone and won't call again until the next week. If I knew he was going to call at a certain hour on certain days, I would be prepared to answer the phone and have pinky around to talk. I would also let him know ahead of time if his planned call would need to be rescheduled.
As it is, we don't know when he's going to call. Sometimes it's Saturday, sometimes Sunday, sometimes early, sometimes not until 6. I can't guarantee she'll be with me, much less that I'll be able to answer the phone.
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Ditto on the bolded. I would not spend the $$ and use the court's time for such a minor change. Would you only have it changed for this summer? Or every summer moving forward? I couldn't imaging going to court for every minor deviation in the visitation.
If you guys don't go back to court, and you do decide to let her take SS for those three weekends, make sure the dates are decided on ahead of time and set in stone. Your BM is striking me as the type who will try and reschedule last minute. Let her know up front that these are her days, and if she chooses not to use them it's her loss.
Also, don't let SS know ahead of time that it's his mom's weekend. That way if she does flake he doesn't feel so bad.
If he does know, and she flakes, plan some sort of family outing that will distract him a little and show him that you guys care.
It appears that Saturday nights are a bad time to schedule the calls. ?I know she picked the day/time, but it hasn't been working out because she is out socializing. ? Perhaps it is time to suggest another time -- Tuesday evening or some such. ?That should make it less likely that she will be out and about. ?
Also, perhaps your SS can initiate the call. ?That might make him feel more in control of the situation, rather than being subject to the whims of mom. ?He can leave her a message with an update of his week. ?Then, even if she doesn't call back, he can still feel he shared with her.