Would this bother you? Re: DH cosleeping

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

So for some reason, Arlo was sick last night and threw up a couple times before bed. We are thinking it's because he tried a new type of veggie burger at the IL's that didn't agree with him. I was at work when it all happened. At 10:30 last night, DH heard Arlo throwing up again and apparently it was pretty bad, all over himself, the sheets, etc.

DH didn't feel comfortable letting him sleep in his crib/room alone, so he brought him to bed with him and when I came home this morning I walked into our bedroom and found Arlo asleep on my side of the bed resting face up (very comfortably I might add!) on my pillow. It freaked me out, but I remained calm and let DH explain the situation. I gently reminded him that Arlo isn't supposed to have pillows or anything in bed with him because it still poses a suffocation risk/hazard. I could tell he was annoyed at me, but didn't get upset or anything about it. It also bothered me because I know dad's don't have the same insticts we moms have when it comes to cosleeping and our bed is not "set up" for it since Arlo sleeps in his crib.

Then I started thinking, is it more ok now that he's getting older? What do other cosleepers do out there with their almost 1 year olds? I don't want to come down on my husband, but his lack of knowledge in this area did frighten me a bit (I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule). Just looking for feedback. Thanks!

punkn · April 2009

I started letting DD co-sleep with me after 12 months and only when really needed (when we are oot and she's scared). She has slept with a pillow in her bed since around 10 or 11 months, so that part doesn't bother me. My biggest concern is her rolling out of bed.

I'd imagine DH thought he was doing the right thing with Arlo, he saw his baby not feeling well and wanted to make it better. Maybe say something like "next time if you do this can you not let him sleep on pillows" or "maybe nex time bring in the PnP for him to sleep in"?

E C · April 2009

No, it wouldn't. While I occasionally point out a different way of looking at things, or something else to consider, to my husband, I try not to be condescending.

Honestly, it sounds like you berated him, and his parenting. It also sounds like you don't give him a lot of wiggle room to find things that work for him (seeing as how "I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule," I wonder how many other rules he has to follow).

lizzie53084 · April 2009

Ditto to the pp, I would be more worried about him falling out of bed since your not set up for it. The pillow doesn't bother me so much at this point either. We recently put one in DD's crib when we found her balling up all her blankets and toys under her head to use as a pillow lol. If I were you I would discuss with your DH how to keep him safe from falling if there was ever the need to co-sleep again.

Califlorida · April 2009

we've been co-sleeping since she was about 5 months. i've started letting her share my pillow lately. she's such a wiggleworm i just figure whatever it takes to make her comfortable, i'm fine with it. and dh's have instincts too. maybe just go thank him for keeping your son comfy thru the night.

Amya · April 2009

It would bother me...not because of the pillow, though. I would be terrified of him rolling out of bed.

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

You are right, I didn't think it was SO bad that they coslept, it was mostly the pillow that bothered me. I agree that his heart was in the right place.

KittenGator · April 2009

We have been bed-sharing since day one. I used to put her way down, with her head just below my chest and she'd stay there. Now, it seems like she wants to mimic me and lays her head on my pillow. I watch her until she falls asleep, then I move her down by my chest. She can crawl/sit up/ stand et all so there's no real way I can stop her from doing it, and she could definitely get out of a tough situation. I'm still really careful about her being in our bed, before I get attacked.

jenifairies · April 2009

My only concern would have been him falling off the bed or waking up and crawling off without the H noticing. But yours has him overnight to himself while you work so I think I would trust him more than mine.

Re: the pillow thing. i don't put dd on my pillow, but she's darn close to it when I bring her in bed with me. I'm not too worried about it - if she can't breathe I'm sure she'll move. At this age, it's not really a concern.

Buckets of Moonbeams · April 2009

I would have been glad H was comforting our sick baby, thought no harm no foul and then pointed H towards the correct way to co-sleep at a later time so it didn't seem like I was critiquing him too much. We co-slept for about 5 months, so H is all up on how to do it, but the same reaction applies for other less-than-kosher things I've seen H do with K.

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

MTUEm:
No, it wouldn't. While I occasionally point out a different way of looking at things, or something else to consider, to my husband, I try not to be condescending.

Honestly, it sounds like you berated him, and his parenting. It also sounds like you don't give him a lot of wiggle room to find things that work for him (seeing as how "I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule," I wonder how many other rules he has to follow).

Err, I'm pretty sure most parents have a "no pillow" rule for their babies until they are around Arlo's age. I actually asked DH directly if he felt berated in any way when I brought it up and he said not at all. I was just concerned since we don't co-sleep regularly and didn't know what others did/what was ok with their older babies. I do the majority of the reading when it comes to this stuff, so yeah, I told him early on that babies shouldn't have any pillows or blankets around them in bed and I don't think that's inappropriate at all since he was pretty clueless about newborn stuff.

DH has Arlo several nights a week on his own, so he has lots of "wiggle room" to do things his way. I don't constantly tell him how to do things, I just don't want my kid suffocating because of his lack of knowledge.

lanie26 · April 2009

Rob&Heidi:
MTUEm:
No, it wouldn't.? While I occasionally point out a different way of looking at things, or something else to consider, to my husband, I try not to be condescending.
Honestly, it sounds like you berated him, and his parenting.? It also sounds like you don't give him a lot of wiggle room to find things that work for him (seeing as how "I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule," I wonder how many other rules he has to follow).
Err, I'm pretty sure most parents have a "no pillow" rule for their babies until they are around Arlo's age.? I actually asked DH directly if he felt berated in any way when I brought it up and he said not at all.? I was just concerned since we don't co-sleep regularly and didn't know what others did/what was ok with their older babies.? I do the majority of the reading when it comes to this stuff, so yeah, I told him early on that babies shouldn't have any pillows or blankets around them in bed and I don't think that's inappropriate at all since he was pretty clueless about newborn stuff.
DH has Arlo several nights a week on his own, so he has lots of "wiggle room" to do things his way.? I don't constantly tell him how to do things, I just don't want my kid suffocating because of his lack of knowledge. ?

It's not a suffocation risk at 1. He's big, and strong and can roll/move etc...

Jo has a pillow. Its fine. I don't get what the concern is at 1. I also probably wouldn't have said anything until much later. AndI'd have said "how was she with the pillow? we haven't done that yet so I wondered."

But his parenting decisions are just as important as yours and it does sound like you berated him because why else would you ask if you berated him later?

Weird. Its a pillow. I don't get it. ?

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

lanie26:
Rob&Heidi:
MTUEm:
No, it wouldn't. While I occasionally point out a different way of looking at things, or something else to consider, to my husband, I try not to be condescending.
Honestly, it sounds like you berated him, and his parenting. It also sounds like you don't give him a lot of wiggle room to find things that work for him (seeing as how "I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule," I wonder how many other rules he has to follow).
Err, I'm pretty sure most parents have a "no pillow" rule for their babies until they are around Arlo's age. I actually asked DH directly if he felt berated in any way when I brought it up and he said not at all. I was just concerned since we don't co-sleep regularly and didn't know what others did/what was ok with their older babies. I do the majority of the reading when it comes to this stuff, so yeah, I told him early on that babies shouldn't have any pillows or blankets around them in bed and I don't think that's inappropriate at all since he was pretty clueless about newborn stuff.
DH has Arlo several nights a week on his own, so he has lots of "wiggle room" to do things his way. I don't constantly tell him how to do things, I just don't want my kid suffocating because of his lack of knowledge.
It's not a suffocation risk at 1. He's big, and strong and can roll/move etc...
Jo has a pillow. Its fine. I don't get what the concern is at 1. I also probably wouldn't have said anything until much later. AndI'd have said "how was she with the pillow? we haven't done that yet so I wondered."
But his parenting decisions are just as important as yours and it does sound like you berated him because why else would you ask if you berated him later?
Weird. Its a pillow. I don't get it.

As usual lanie, you are looking for a reason to flame me, so fine, here we go...

I asked him after reading the other posters post if he felt that way because I wanted to be certain I didn't come off that way. I. like most others on this board, am a new mom and don't have all the answers, so I was looking for feedback about co sleeping with older kids. I now understand that pillows at his age aren't a great concern anymore and appreciated those responders who helped me realize/understand it. We don't co sleep regularly, so it caught me off guard when I walked in and here was our son lying on my side of the bed with a pillow under his head, it's not something I had ever seen before, so my initial reaction was one of concern. Shoot me.

lanie26 · April 2009

Rob&Heidi:
lanie26:
Rob&Heidi:
MTUEm:
No, it wouldn't.? While I occasionally point out a different way of looking at things, or something else to consider, to my husband, I try not to be condescending.
Honestly, it sounds like you berated him, and his parenting.? It also sounds like you don't give him a lot of wiggle room to find things that work for him (seeing as how "I thought I had made it very clear early on about the no pillows rule," I wonder how many other rules he has to follow).
Err, I'm pretty sure most parents have a "no pillow" rule for their babies until they are around Arlo's age.? I actually asked DH directly if he felt berated in any way when I brought it up and he said not at all.? I was just concerned since we don't co-sleep regularly and didn't know what others did/what was ok with their older babies.? I do the majority of the reading when it comes to this stuff, so yeah, I told him early on that babies shouldn't have any pillows or blankets around them in bed and I don't think that's inappropriate at all since he was pretty clueless about newborn stuff.
DH has Arlo several nights a week on his own, so he has lots of "wiggle room" to do things his way.? I don't constantly tell him how to do things, I just don't want my kid suffocating because of his lack of knowledge. ?
It's not a suffocation risk at 1. He's big, and strong and can roll/move etc...
Jo has a pillow. Its fine. I don't get what the concern is at 1. I also probably wouldn't have said anything until much later. AndI'd have said "how was she with the pillow? we haven't done that yet so I wondered."
But his parenting decisions are just as important as yours and it does sound like you berated him because why else would you ask if you berated him later?
Weird. Its a pillow. I don't get it. ?
?As usual lanie, you are looking for a reason to flame me, so fine, here we go...
?I asked him after reading the other posters post if he felt that way because I wanted to be certain I didn't come off that way.? I. like most others on this board, am a new mom and don't have all the answers, so I was looking for feedback about co sleeping with older kids.? I now understand that pillows at his age aren't a great concern anymore and appreciated those responders who helped me realize/understand it. ? We don't co sleep regularly, so it caught me off guard when I walked in and here was our son lying on my side of the bed with a pillow under his head, it's not something I had ever seen before, so my initial reaction was one of concern.? Shoot me.

LOL. I don't "have all the answers" but like others said above (and um, I'm not the only one) It would have concerned me that he could have tossed himself off the bed. A pillow seems weird to be upset about in a one year old.

I honestly don't think you intend to come off the way you do in your posts. If you had posted "Hey does anyone else still worry about pillows?" You'd have received a different response.

Do you ever re read what you say and think "eeeeep?" I know I do. This might need to be one of those times for you. ?

?

mommyofmiles · April 2009

We cosleep, so I am used to that. However, I do know what you mean about being the source of information for my husband. He actually depends on me for that. I tell him "the rules". I don;t think it is that odd that you would inform your husband of what is expected in many areas. I will also add that although my ds sleeps around pillows in our bed, our pedi says that babies should not use a pillow until two years old fwiw.

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

LOL. I don't "have all the answers" but like others said above (and um, I'm not the only one) It would have concerned me that he could have tossed himself off the bed. A pillow seems weird to be upset about in a one year old.

I honestly don't think you intend to come off the way you do in your posts. If you had posted "Hey does anyone else still worry about pillows?" You'd have received a different response.

Do you ever re read what you say and think "eeeeep?" I know I do. This might need to be one of those times for you.

I agree that sometimes I don't articulate myself as clearly as I'd like. I blame it on sleep deprivation most of the time. I worked last night, got 4-5 hours sleep today and am not exactly fully functioning right now. I do usually reread my posts, and I can see how it might have been interpreted as me sort of attacking DH, I do appreciate all responses as they do help me realize how I sound sometimes. "Gently reminded him" does sound pretty condescending and I can see how people would think I treat my DH that way from the way I worded the post. I don't mean to sound that way at all and appreciate the opportunity to clarify my thoughts.

J+O · April 2009

No it wouldn't bother me.?

roses_wish · April 2009

I definitely woudnt worry about the pillow. Your baby should be strong enough to roll and move if he is feeling constricted. Just be grateful that your hubby was so caring and loving to take the time to care for your precious one!! You are blessed to have a guy who would do that!!

Heidi Lanigan-Potter · April 2009

roses_wish:
I definitely woudnt worry about the pillow. Your baby should be strong enough to roll and move if he is feeling constricted. Just be grateful that your hubby was so caring and loving to take the time to care for your precious one!! You are blessed to have a guy who would do that!!

You are right. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees. Thanks for reminding me of that.

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